Date:
Wed, 27 Sep 2000 12:26:00 -0400
Subject:
[FFML] [C&C][R.5] The Akane Factor
From:
"Douglas MacDougall"
<dougmacd@mediaone.net> | Block address
To:
Knight Writer <Jedediah@tri-countynet.net>
CC:
ffml@fanfic.com
My comments@@
IMO ONLY.
<SNIP>
"I really hate mornings," she mumbled as she
drew the blue
dress off
the rack. Akane gathered her clothes for the day and
set off for the
bathroom when it hit.
Akane goes jogging first thing in the mornings, so I
don't see her
as that much of a morning hater. This might be better
expanded.
Maybe she gets up early and jogs because it takes that
much time
and effort to shake off her drowsiness? Maybe her
recent attacks
made mornings harder, and she's reluctant to do her
normal jogs?
@@Excellent point!!!
I'm going to harp on my point for more detail. This is
a
perfect beginning. Start with Akane's first attack,
show her
deterioration. Until you get to this point where it's
an effort
to get out of bed. Along the way intersperse bits of
anti-mutant
stuff from other characters. BUILD to the climax. (or
the first
of many at least)
The sensation started in her chest,
spreading throughout her
body
with tingling fingers that lit every nerve like a
roman candle and
sending
her head into a tailspin.
Okay, you're getting to the interesting stuff quickly.
Good. :)
@@I like the description. Just needs more back story,
IMO.
[...]
"Maybe I ought to see a doctor," Akane mused
as she made her
way out
the door. Had she turned around, she would have been
startled to see
her
digital alarm clock was reduced to a smoking pile of
charred
circuits.
If Tofu's around in this timeframe, I can't think of a
reason why
she wouldn't see him. Even if he can't help, she can
ask him about
it, and he's on the way to school.
@@Good point. I usually avoid Tofuu just to simplify
the
number of characters I have to deal with. In this case
it does seem
natural. IF the author wants to use him.
[<SNIP>
<SNIP>
Doesn't the episode when Akane had a cold and Ranma
was under the
hypnotic suggestion to hug people that sneezed kinda
contradict the
statement that she's stubborn as a mule when it comes
to admitting
she's sick?
@@Recall Kasumi was going to stay home or call a
neighbor and
Akane insisted she could take care of herself. She
also, at first, rebuffed
Ranma's attempts to help.
<SNIP>
This is probably too scientific a question to ask,
but...
is Akane AC or DC? ^_^
@@Well, "electric" animals are DC. I suppose it
depends on
how "mutants" generate electricity. Perhaps she's
both?
An AC generator with a storage capacity that's DC?
OR perhaps she "acquires" her charge from the
environment
stores it internally and then can release either DC or
AC (using
some sort of organic transverter)
In the former case, Ranma would have been thrown off
immediately
as his own muscles spasmed, while in the latter,
Ranma's muscles
would clench, and he wouldn't be able to let go until
she ran out
of juice...
@@Unless the initial charge was DC, then switched to
AC?
Good point though. I missed that one entirely.
<SNIP>
You have a rather bad collision of the Rumic and
Marvel worlds, here.
In Ranma 1/2, people might be surprised at what
happened, but they'd
hardly call her a freak.
@@??? No?
I found the scene a little wooden myself. But only
because I think there
needs to be more build up of the anti-mutant feelings.
And is the "FREAK" comment even really necessary? If
everyone's
staring at her with fear and confusion, she'd probably
run away on
her own, out of self-loathing for what she's done.
@@Oh sure. What's a good mob scene w/o a chanting mob?
Of course I miss the old days with the dogs and
torches (the
flaming kind, not electric for our British readers)
If you want to keep this reaction, you *need* to work
more of the
Marvel anti-mutant hysteria into the background by
this point.
Make it apparent that this isn't the Ranma world, even
though it
has the same settings and characters.
Maybe you could have Soun suggest that Akane was
feeling bad
because of "one of those mutants" did something to
her.
@@Ohhhh, I like it. Spend a lot more time on things
like
this to build the back story.
Isao watched from the roof of Furinkan, his
heart going out
to the
poor kid below.
ISAO: One point twenty one gigawatts has GOTTA hurt!
@@Killed and cremated in one move. Very tidy.
He knew exactly what it was like to first discover
the power
that lurked inside all his kind, the fear of the
initial experience
as fresh
in his mind as if it had been yesterday. Of course,
that was nothing
compared to what was to come for Akane.
You mean he doesn't even consider what
happened to the boy she used her powers on?!
@@Isao: Of course I did. Some of my best friends are .
. .normals.
<SNIP>
flowed from her in waves. It was never easy,
especially not in Japan,
for a
mutant to accept what he or she was. Often, when it
was discovered
sepukku
was the preferred; even expected, way of dealing
with it. Would
Akane's
family expect that of her? Would they be so damn
coldhearted?
sp: seppuku
I kinda doubt seppuku would be expected or preferred.
Firstly,
does anyone do that anymore?
@@Oh yes. It's not as common as it use to be. AND
there
is more of an onus against it. Still, there is a lot
of suicide (as opposed to seppuku) in Japan.
There are much easier ways for
modern Japanese people to kill themselves. ^_^ Also,
as I
understand it, seppuku is only appropriate for someone
who
already HAS honor.
@@Ummmm, this is a tricky one. I certainly don't
pretend
to understand it very well. However committing seppuku
seems to be a way to keep or regain honor. Therefore,
If
Akane shamed herself or her family by being a mutant
she
could wipe away the dishonor through seppuku.
(btw, female samurai or females of samurai families
had the option of slitting their throats rather than
the
belly.) It might not be a matter of her family forcing
seppuku but convincing Akane NOT to.
Given the Japanese views on conforming and "gaijin,"
would a
mutant still have any honor?
@@If she committed seppuku? Possibly. And the key
would not be HER honor, but that of her family. By
committing
seppuku she would or could wipe away the stain on her
family.
Again, this is something you've glossed over in the
fic at this
point. You need to address what the *Japanese,* and
Ranma
characters in particular think about mutants. The TV
announcer
only referred to US and Europe mutant menace. That
implies there's
no such problem in Japan.
Hell, for all we know, the Japanese think of mutants
as their own
group of Ultramen. ^_^;
@@^_^ Yet another interesting plot point.
However, the fact that the TV doesn't mention Japan
means nothing. Japanese news only reports the
government
party line. For instance, Japanese financial news
never said anything
about banking/stock/real-estate problems until well
after the crash.
Officially there is no HIV in Japan (or China for that
matter) and
Rape and sexual assault are almost non-existent. On
paper.
<SNIP>
Unfortunately, what Isao hadn't considered was that
the chilling effect would make Akane
super-conductive...
AKANE: [zakk!]
ISAO: [dead]
AKANE: Oops, I did it again...
@@ Errr, Britany Tendou?
{On the brighter side, this gives the
author an excuse to dress her in tight fitting
rubber.}
[...]
"You're a mutant, too?"
suggest: "You're a mutant?"
(Has Akane so readily accepted being a mutant that
she already applies that designation to herself?)
@@Good point.
How about . . .
"You're a _mutant_!"
[...]
Akane could only watch in shocked amazement
@@Ohhhh, BAD pun.
as the stone
punched a
hole through the center of the bench. A fine webwork
of cracks spread
out
from the impact, the sound of splintering ice
reaching her ears
before the
entire bench collapsed into a heap of frozen shards.
And thus was the first Japanese mutant superhero
born...
AKANE: How dare you smash that bench? It's used by
people who want
to sit down, old people who feed the birds, and
young lovers on
a rendezvous. On behalf of them all, I will
punish you!
@@Quickly changing into her bright red, VERY form
fitting leather and latex suit . . .
[...]
Isao followed close behind Akane, mentally
checking off just
how
much of Taki's information had been correct. So far,
he had been dead
on.
The man had told him a great deal about Akane's home
situation, and
about
Ranma.
However, that whole Jusenkyou bit was
something he'd have to
see
before he'd ever believe it.
Are mutants completely perfect, or something? I'm
already a
little miffed that you're completely dismissing
martial arts
over mutant powers.
@@Atom Bomb: 2
Martial Arts: Zero (GROUND Zero)
I think the author has already demonstrated that
kilowatts beat kempo. (Unless Ranma can find
a rubber suit in his size)
Hmmm, I sense a spam-fic in here someplace.
But now they know absolutely everything
about all the Ranma 1/2 characters?
That's a recipe for Annoying New Characters.
@@Isao: I'm not perfect. I just have a VIZ
subscription.
[...]
Part 2 inserted here. I don't know
why you broke it up in the first place...
Oh, stop it! Nabiki leaned back against the
cinderblock wall,
crossing her arms at her chest and staring into
space. Her little
sister
simply could not be a mutant, and that was that!
Things like that
just
didn't happen to her family!
Then what about Mom?
A little more context is needed. You've just implied
that their
mother was a mutant. Did you mean to? If not...
@@I figured it was foreshadowing.
suggest: Horrible things like that didn't happen to
her family!
Then what about what happened to Mom?
@@Nabiki:: Poor mother. If she'd only known
that French "Tension Reliever" was 120 cycle, she'd
be with us today. At least she died . . .happy.
[...]
Akane froze at the tone in Nabiki's voice,
authoritave and
firm. She
had hardly ever heard her sister use that voice, and
red flags went
up in
Akane's brain. Something was amiss here, and she had
a feeling she
had
walked right in the middle of it.
@@Errrr, she's just NOW figuring out something is
"amiss"?
<SNIP>
Huh? Why would Genma be so POed? He trained Ranma to
be a
fighter, so in his eyes, it would be a failing of
Ranma's that
he fell prey to the attack.
@@Contamination by the filthy mutant. ^_^
[...]
"NO! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"
Why is Akane denying it's her fault? I'd expect her
to apologize,
here. Maybe she'd say that he shouldn't have grabbed
her...
@@Fear, anger, guilt. These are not rational. And it's
normal to have a denial stage in traumatic events.
<SNIP>
Isao was quickly growing tired of the
arguement with Nabiki
Tendo,
the desire to simply freeze her solid a rather
seductive one.
sp: argument
I like the direction Nabiki's thoughts are taking.
It's an
intelligent take on what's happened, and could lead to
interesting
stuff down the road. Maybe the family will blame the
man for doing
this to Akane...
@@maybe Soun will try to get him to marry Kasumi.
Think
on the savings on refrigeration or shaved ice during
the summer.
(between Isao and Akane the Tendou utility bills
would drop to zero. They might even be able to
sell excess to Tokyo power during peak
hours)
<SNIP>
Technically, this is pretty good. There are few
punctuation
or spelling errors, no grammar problems, and it reads
well.
I'm having problems some accepting it, though. While
people
hating mutants for being outsiders and having strange
powers
is standard fare for Marvel, it isn't for the Rumik
world.
No one's seen the Hiryu Shoten Ha or Moko Takabisha
yet, so
mutant powers certainly are more dazzling than the
martial
arts techniques they've seen so far. But even when
they were
seen for the first time, no one called Ranma a freak.
Hell,
no one called Ranma a freak when he changed genders.
@@Yes. But Ranma & other are examples of Japanese
spirit. Mutants, OTOH, are nasty freaks. (doesn't have
to be
logical or reasonable.) Just look at the Japanese
attitude
toward Koreans. And the Japanese ARE Korean, or rather
Korean stock. But if you suggest that to most Japanese
I
hope you have a good head start.
(A weirdo, maybe... ;)
Also, even though Shampoo has a stereotypical speech
pattern,
the Chinese characters in Ranma all seem to get a fair
shake,
without prejudice or racism.
I'm not saying you can't change the world to make it
more
Marvel-like, but you need to make it clear that this
world
is very different than Takahashi's
@@Unless it's a slap-stick comedy it's already
very different. I don't think this is much of a
problem. The "normal" Ranma cast do things
that would get you thrown UNDER the jail in Japan.
Isao is also a problem. He's an Annoying New
Character. He's
got super powers, Akane immediately trusts him, and
(most
annoying of all) he's ALWAYS right.
@@Good point. Isao needs more depth. Good chance
to build back story. Have him make mistakes. For
instance
have Akane blast him the first couple of times he
shows up.
Make him work harder to win her trust.
When he said that Akane's family would hate Akane, I
naturally
thought it wouldn't be true. And when they did, I
couldn't
help but think that it was HIS fault. It's why I
identified
with Nabiki's reaction.
I guess I'd just urge you to find a balance between
the Ranma
and Marvel aspects of the story. You've basically
dismissed
martial arts and the friendly aspect of Ranma,
completely
going for the Marvel side. And yet you called this a
"Ranma"
fic (you didn't mention Marvel or x-over anywhere).
Why not give the Ranma 1/2 side more of a chance?
Instead of
everyone hating her, Akane could have just run away in
fear at
what she had done. When she visited Ranma they didn't
have to
be accusing eyes; maybe they were just confused, but
Akane
couldn't tell. Maybe her powers went off, endangering
the
equipment attached to Ranma, and she ran off, thinking
she had
to stay away from those she loved, in order to protect
them.
Maybe Nabiki is right, and Isao is the bad guy, just
trying to
mold Akane into a tool for his use...
@@Ohhh, Isao as secret bad guy. Actually the whole
good bad thing is relative. Isao can think he's good,
have
the best motives and still be "bad."
I LIKE the hate-mutant-Akane part very much.
{of course I'm doing my own "evil" Akane
story as part of my "How to write fanfiction" essay
for SLR_AE so I'm biased}
I DO think the anti mutant/anti Akane is good stuff
and
urge you to keep it.
Don't alienate your readership!
@@Ummm, well the FFML readership is large and
varied. IMO, write what you want to read. Write what
you WANT to write.
No single writer can please everyone.
After all, there are people who don't like "Hearts of
Ice"
{You CAN be helped.}
While other people think "Bitter End" ranks with War
and Peace.
Don't worry about your "readership". Write what you
want to write.
Enjoy writing, and you're on the right track.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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