I couldn't resist. Thanks W*ING. This was too good to pass up, and it
interrupted my work on Getting Home Wednesday...
INT. MORE NO MANGA STORE - DAY
A pile of manga are on a shelf next to myriad others. The most
prominent one is called "INSANE MARTIAL ARTIST ALIENS. A hand reaches
in and pulls one out of frame. MOUSSE opens the comic and flips through it.
He shakes his head. RANMA looks over his shoulder.
RANMA: Thought this day would never come. No fighting, and issue number
two is finally out.
MOUSEE: Whoohoo.
RANMA: Don't ruin it! Think about it. There's no fighting, I haven't got
jumped by any of the girls, and how often does a guy get to purchase
something with his name on it? (points to manga) Ranma Saotome. (Points
at the letters for Mu Tsu) Mousse.
MOUSSE: I know my name.
RANMA: Come on, man. We got the rest of our lives to be surly and fight.
We can even draw some real art like that guy (points at a Shirow drawing)
someday. But right now, after that last fight, we need the money, and this
is what the people want!
MOUSSE: Yeah, it pays the old lady and Nabiki. Just don't forget that
we're better than this.
RANMA: I'll tell you who we're better than. The old lech who bought and
runs this store.
They approach the counter, where Happosai, the store owner-manager, and
Pantyhose Taro are playing cards.
RANMA: (placing book on counter) Alright, you ol' lech. Give it a break and
ring us up.
HAPPOSAI: (not looking up) Well, well, well. Pantyhose! Look who it is.
The local celebrities. We can sell one of those books for almost 150 yen if
they sign it.
TARO: Don't call me that.
(Happosai takes a draw on his pipe, and Taro continues to study his cards.)
RANMA: You two operate the smallest ladies bridge circle I've ever seen.
TARO: For your information, fem-boy, we're playing Pokemon, a Nintendo card
game. Not that either of you would care, there's no crazy fighters or
people getting the shit beaten out of them in it.
RANMA: (To Mousse) I don't think they're fans.
TARO: No, we're not, fem-boy.
RANMA: Don't call me fem-boy.
TARO: Okay, fem-boy.
HAPPOSAI: You're both a couple of no-talents who got lucky with a
third-rate manga, and you turned out a piece of shit like Insane Martial
Artist Aliens. Ranma, m'boy, what the hell did that thing do to the villian
in the last issue?
MOUSSE: The Stinky-palm.
HAPPOSAI: The Stinky-palm? You who makes weapons disappear and the kid who
tosses ki around come up with an attack called the Stinky-palm? I tell my
customers to buy Tenchi. This is the reality here at More No Manga.
Pantyhose and I think you two stink. And I think that that stupid
convention won't help you at all.
TARO: Don't call me that, you old lech!
Ranma and Mouuse exit the store, shocked.
TARO: I've got Mew. 40 power-ups and twelve bonus points! I get your
Raichu!
HAPPOSAI: Oh well. (Takes his pipe and flings Taro into the back of the
store.)
Suddenly, a ki blast comes through the window. Happosai ducks, but it hits
Taro dead on.
TARO: You know that was fem-boy! Call the cops and tell them to get him!
HAPPOSAI: Oh, like they'll even bother. (A dagger appears in his hand,
with a note attached to it.) Besides, it's not really necessary. (Reads
note aloud.) Dear Lech: Thanks for the insights. But like I learned from
Shampoo, obstacles are for killing...or at least, break their window. Bite
me. Ranma.
------------------------------------------------------
Madd Hatter Productions presents
A Patch Monkey Fan Fiction:
Chasing Akane
Author's Note: I really don't think too much of this. (400XP circumstance
bonus to EXP if you get this reference)
-------------------------------------------------------
INT. CONVENTION, specifically the LECTURE AREA. We are at a panel
discussion. The room is full. Five author/creators sit at a table, their
names on placards in front of them. TSUBASA fills the frame, dressed as a
Knight of the True Fiancee. One of the panelists is a blue/black haired
girl. TSUBASA appears to be very male right now.
TSUBASA: For years, whenever we see a strong girl who gets what she wants,
she gets slapped with whatever hatred the fanfic author feels. Names that
singled her out as a bad girl: Mallet-Girl, Pervert-girl, Scarlet, The
Uncute One, bitch, Violent bitch, ronin, PMSer, tomboy, princess...
VOICE FROM CROWD: She's not a ronin.
TSUBASA: She's not? (beat) We'll bust this, regardless. Now my manga,
"Scarlet Artist", doesn't have any of that bullshit. The heroine's name is
Scarlet, she never hits this "fiancee", and she can kick everybody's ass,
and none of these other girls who were after her fiancee even dare go near
her. That isn't gonna play the violent chick no more, we're taking a
stand! She's a strong role model that every girl can look up to, 'cause
we're gonna make it that way.
(During this, Ranma and Mousse make their way to the front.)
RANMA: Bullshit! Princess Leia's a girl, and no one would say she's a
bitch after Episode 4!
TSUBASA: Who said that?
RANMA: I did. Leia, Ayeka, Ryoka, Asuka...Sure, they're strong willed,
maybe a little too strong. But I think all girls could look up to them.
Especially Leia. Her buns!
TSUBASA: Fuck Leia! She's a wuss! She's been raised a princess, in the
lap of luxury, just like Ayeka. They don't know the hell some other girls
go through. They're trying to tell you that inside, every girl just wants
to be a coddled little love toy!
MOUSSE: Well, isn't that true?
Tsubasa pulls what appears to be a gun out from under his platform and fires
at Mousse. Mousse goes down, as the rest of the crowd goes off screaming.
TSUBASA: I'll kill all you fuckers!
The crows is gone. Tsubasa gets off the stage, and picks Ranma up off the
floor.
TSUBASA: Damn. You almost made me laugh! Honey, you shouldn't vary from
script. You might mess us all up.
Tsubasa sounds different. Actually, he sounds like the stereotypical
hollywood gay person.
MOUSSE: Crossdresser.
TSUBASA: When you say it, it sounds so sexy. (Kisses Mousse full on the
lips)
MOUSSE: Hey, I'll play your victim. Not your catcher.
VOICE: How is it that you sound like a crazed Knight when you're on
stage...
They turn around to see a cute blue/black haired woman swinging her purse in
a circle. Her name is Akane, and she was the girl from the panel.
AKANE: ...and like Konatsu when you're not?
TSUBASA: Ohhhh look out boys. This kitten's got a mallet.
AKANE: (punches him): And always before I get to speak!
TSUBASA: Sorry boys. This pile of PMS is Akane Tendo. She does that book
"Those Crazy Italians"
----
I'm quitting here. This is getting stupider and stupider. If anyone is
offended, I'm sorry. It's pretty close to the Chasing Amy script, but yeah.
Oh well. Hope you laughed at least once.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Levine
Patch Monkey
"There was no difference between the behavior of a god and the
operations of pure chance..."
patchmonkey@patchmonkey.net jlevine@wam.umd.edu
maddhatter@earthling.net jerry@jancomm.com
AIM: maddxhattr
http://www.patchmonkey.net
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