Andrew wrote:
Three things about the fic that I would change.
First thing, Belldandy sounds too much like Jeanie from "I Dream of Jeanie." I
can't see her calling Keiichi "Master" or something like that. And, why couldn't
you use Urd instead of Bell-chan? Isn't love, sex, and bondage right up her
alley?
Urd, shmurd.
I can see where you're coming from when you make that suggestion, but
there's one big problem with it: it's right up Urd's alley. Yes, it
would most likely be funny, but on the other hand, it wouldn't leave a
whole lot of room for character development. Keiichi would stay a
frightened little boy, and Urd would stay a sex fiend... both of which
are very flat versions of their characters at that.
As it's written, there's some pretty interesting character development
there already. Keiichi and Belldandy are both in a vastly different
situation from either the OAV or the manga... and that's the sort of
thing that makes alternate-universe fics fun to read--and write, for
that matter. Putting characters in different situations like that
allows you to develop them beyond where canon takes them... which, by
the way, is *not* a cardinal sin, despite popular belief.
Anyway... to Twoflower: keep it going. It's cool, it's interesting,
it's original, and you're making it work. :)
Second thing is Keiichi is far, far, far shier than you've made him out to be,
and I don't think he'd say he wanted a sex slave right out. If he wanted
something like that, I would have say in a round-about way. Tentatively, and
with more loopholes than a typical tax bill going through the House of
Representatives.
That's a matter of debate, I suppose, but people will say some pretty
odd things when they're under the assumption that they're not being
taken seriously. Besides, Ootaki basically goaded him into it before he
left.
Also, you run into a problem saying that someone absolutely would or
wouldn't do a certain thing in a given situation. I mean, taking my own
life... how I react to things, which conflicts I back off from and which
conflicts I stand up to... it depends on how I feel at the time. If I'm
in a good mood, I might let something go that I wouldn't if I was
feeling overconfident or irritated or somesuch.
Real people--along with well-written story characters--are dynamic.
Finally, it looks like you're rushing the pace, causing the action to set up in
a bang-bang style that tired me out and maybe a little too fast for a romantic
lemon comedy.
He's remaining parallel with the first episode of the OAVs--a good thing
in an alt-uni fic. It keeps the story from feeling like it's related to
the original, but at the same time different. The first episode, if you
recall, moved pretty fast. I didn't see any problem with pacing there.
Otherwise, it's a pretty good fic as it stands.
Agreed, minus the 'otherwise'. :) Excellent work.
Peace,
Bart Kelsey