On Tue, 3 Oct 2000, Tangent wrote:
NOTE: in this second section, Chinese dialogue is still
represented like so: "Good morning"; while other languages are
represented like so: <Good morning>. Specific thoughts are surrounded
by [brackets], and Genma's signs (when he finally starts using them)
by [[double brackets]].
I used to do this, but have since decided against it because I've found
it works better to let the reader know that this is happening through the
story itself. I suppose I have a snowflake's chance in hell of convincing
you, but thought it would be better to let you know of my opinion.
Ranma could feel his manhood slipping away as he drowned. The
water filled her gasping lungs as she tried desperately to find the
surface of the spring she had fallen into. Everything went dark for a
moment, and then the water turned hot as she broke the surface. Kho
Ome was there, adding soup stock, and looking at her with hungry eyes.
Heh. I liked that scene in the earlier chapter. ^_^
Genma had virtually crammed how to behave like a man down her throat
for as long as she could remember. But to abandon his only child just
because she had become a girl? It was beyond her comprehension!
No it isn't. He just told us why Genma left him in the same paragraph.
<Pop, you baka!> Ranma grumbled through tears of anger and
If < > means Japanese, then why is he still saying 'baka'?
<snip>
<When I get my hands on her, I'll.I'll.>
First of all, your ellipses should be more than one dot. Secondly, being
so extrovertive doesn't seem to mesh well with my conceptiaulzation of
Ranma. Then again, I do have to note that I'm working on an altverse type
fic that changes his characterization, and that could be clouding my
perception on this point.
Ranma turned to face the two amazons. After a moments thought she
said, <you could let me pound on her until I feel better.>
'Amazons' is a proper noun, and should be capitalized. 'You' is the
beginning of the sentence, and should also be capitalized.
<My baka father tossed me into one when I was five or six> Ranma
You still left 'baka' untranslated.
letting the horror she felt show. The neko-ken was a dangerous
Neko-ken is a proper noun, so capitalize.
It shouldn't be much of a problem to convince Xian Pu to come
along, although her great granddaughter would not be happy that she
was also considering bringing Mu Tsu along as well. Despite some of
the problems inherent with his coming along, such as his myopic vision
and thus far unrequited affection for Xian Pu, he was the only one in
the village besides Kho Ome and herself who spoke Japanese with enough
fluency to communicate effectively with Ranma.
But since Cologne can communicate well, how is this an issue? If Cologne
were not going, this would be a different situation.
Ranma was furious with Kho Ome for violating her like she had.
<snip>
It would be another year before the next tournament took place, and
Kho Ome was fuming over her loss in status.
Tangent, you talk too much.
Let me rephrase that. You've just fundamentally switched Ranma's status
with several people, and the immediate situation at hand, but you tell us
this through summary. I strongly recommend that you rewrite this with more
detail.
It's actually very simple to do, as what you've written is quite a good
outline. Perhaps either follow Ranma's viewpoint as he springs from
ambush, or Kho's as she walks unawares into his attack. Certainly,
describe her initial attitude as derisive (you've mentioned this
previously with regards to outsiders, so make sure you do it again), then
quickly have it fade into shock. And then, perhaps the scene where she's
begging protection from the Elders.
Personally, I would not write the fight scene, but that's just how my
writing style is. Certainly, though, I think that you need to write this
scene that you've just summarized.
country entirely. As it was, Ranma could speak upwards of a dozen
languages besides Japanese, and several dozen dialects within those
languages, but usually only just well enough to have an accent that
was best described as 'kawai'.
Actually, it'd probably be described as Cu Ai, since that's an
approximation of the phoetic sounds for 'cute' in Mandarin. But I think
just saying 'cute' works best.
And that had been when she was still a boy.
Why did you write this?
She was also unfamiliar with her knew body,
knew = new
Ranma, becoming aware of this problem, was distressed. She didn't
<snip>
I'd work these thoughts with some dialoug ni the next scene. The self
analysis is too wordy.
Shaking off the fatigue one last time, she jumped onto the log
and faced the other finalist, Xian Pu. Ranma didn't think that this
would be an easy fight, although she felt that she could beat the girl
before her if she was in top form.
could = could have
Deep in the subconscious mind of Ranma, her body ran through a
priority checklist. [Am I in serious need of rest and recovery? Yes.
Is anything-important riding on this fight? No. Is anyone's life at
stake? No. Is there a cat anywhere nearby? No. Okay, it's nappy-time!]
I didn't like this little insert here. You've barely begun to scratch the
beginning of a fight scene, and then THIS comes along?
Overall, I think your story has some potential (although I still have yet
to see where your main plot is), but you're going to have to expand on
some scenes. As of now, I feel like I'm reading a synopsis half the time.
-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble. A few more shots, then
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode. Ducking around a corner,
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of
my Anime supplier.
One look at his face and I knew that I had been betrayed. "Tell me,"
I insisted. He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance. Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao," he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...