Since I've mildly hounded you about this series, I better provide a
little C&C, hey? :)
$Appreciated, appreciated, but you're not at all obligated.
Apologies for any duplication of other's efforts; I didn't read any
of the other C&C.
$Possibly because none of it was posted publicly?
> "Come out of that closet Ranma,"
closet, Ranma,"
$Umm, yes. This is some of the older stuff, and I have since learned that
if I don't get it at least mostly right the first time, it's probably not
going to be right. I suck at catching my own mistakes. And my personalized
spell/grammar check was on MY computer, rather than this one.
>Akane pleaded.
>
> "G'way," came the muffled reply.
>
> Akane lightly rapped on the door and sighed. Soun
>and Genma
>stood outside, Soun in a mild state of shock, and Genma was
>occasionally interrupting Akane in an attempt to get Ranma to
>emerge.
Suggest: Soun and Genma stood outside, Soun in a mild state of
shock and Genma occasionally interrupting Akane in an attempt to get
Ranma to emerge.
$Does sound better.
> Kasumi had followed Ranma's example and locked
>herself in
>her room. No one had tried to get her out yet.
SOUN: Kasumi? Are you in there?
KASUMI: DAVE'S NOT HERE!!
SOUN: *scratches head* Dave? Is that a joke?
(For those of you who've forgotten Cheech and Chong... and happily
did so. ^_^)
$Hey, I liked Cheech and Chong.
>
> Ranma, much to her displeasure, was not so
>fortunate. You'd
>think they'd get the hint that she wanted to be alone
>from the way
>she had squeaked and hid in a closet.
Nope. That just invites action. :)
$Kind of like an open sore.
> "Come on, boy!" Genma yelled. "At least open the door so I
>can give this to you!" He hit the on switch and buzzed for
>emphasis.
LOL!
$Genma is a closet perv.
> "GO AWAY!"
>
> Akane turned to Genma. "So it's some sort of magic curse?"
>
> Any theatrics that Genma might have been tempted to add in
>seemed hollow in the face of his condition, causing him to just
>sigh. "Yes. We fell in cursed water, and now we turn into
>girls."
>
> "And to turn back you have to..." she
She
$Right.
>raised an eyebrow as
>Genma nodded.
>
> "So Ranma's really a boy?" Soun asked.
>
> Genma nodded again.
>
> "Changes nothing!" he declared. "Ranma will marry
>Kasumi!"
>Although no one seemed about to object, Soun stalked off to
>prevent argument.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of engagement...
$Or one bottle of prescription medication. Redeem at your local retailer.
> Akane looked back at Genma. "So you really have to..."
>
> "Yes."
>
> "-Every- time?"
>
> "Yes."
>
> "As a girl?"
>
> "Yes."
>
> "Even if you..."
>
> "FOR THE LAST TIME, YES!" Genma roared.
>
> "Geez, sorry. Didn't realize you were so touchy about it,"
>Akane replied.
>
> Genma growled softly at her, then left in search of his
>friend.
>
> Akane knocked on the door again. "Ranma? It's okay,
>they've both left now." Silence was her only reply. She tried
>again. "Ranma?"
>
> "What."
"What?"
$Err, that was intentional. It's a way of saying a question word flatly,
indicating that you don't want an answer but are too polite to say what you
really feel.
> Akane blinked. "They're gone."
>
> "So?"
>
> "Don't you want to come out?"
>
> "You're still there."
>
> Akane sniffed. "Oh, please. You don't have anything I
>ain't got. Or that I haven't seen."
>
> Ranma groaned faintly. "Oh, all right." A few moments
>later the door eased open and Ranma stuck her head out the door
>and looked around.
Second "door" redundant. Suggest: ...door eased open and Ranma
stuck her head out and looked around.
$Right.
>She finally walked out, still naked.
>
> Akane handed her the vibrator, dropped in the mad dash away
>from the embarrassment.
>
> Ranma accepted it dubiously.
>
> "So tell me. You were really just trying to change back?"
>
> Ranma looked at her like she'd grown a second head.
> "Didn't
>you listen to anything my father said?"
>
> "Well, yeah, but it's kind of hard to believe.
>Pretty cool,
>but hard to believe."
>
> "You saw him right?
him, right?
$Right. Note, I rarely make this kind of error anymore.
>He came in as a girl and is
>now a guy."
>Ranma
guy," Ranma
$Ditto.
>pointed out.
>
> Akane thought to herself for a second. "Well, she could
>have snuck out and your father sneak in."
Tense confusion. Suggest: "Well, she could have snuck out and your
father in."
$Or something similar. Akane does know how to talk properly, I suppose,
even if I don't.
>
> Ranma slapped a hand to her forehead. "Gah! Why!
>Tell me,
>why would we do that?"
>
> Nabiki walked in from around the corner, saw her sister
>talking to their naked guest, eeped so quietly that a mouse
>wouldn't have heard her, and snuck back out.
A mild-mannered Nabs is so hard to get a grip on.
$Not that she'd mind, just be sure you have a white horse.
KUNOU: You're telling me?!
$Heh.
> Akane shrugged. "I don't know, but it's easier to believe
>than a girl turning into a guy after playing with herself."
>
> "Listen," Ranma said, exasperated. "I'll lock myself in a
>room and I'll come out as a guy. Will that satisfy you?"
>
> "Hmm, okay. On one condition."
>
> "Fine! Whatever!" Ranma turned and started to walk away.
>Then something occurred to her. "Umm, where...?"
>
> Akane shook her head. "The guest room is this way. Follow
>me." She lead the way through the house to the guest room and
>opened the door.
>
> They both saw a pair of packs leaned against the wall, one
>of which appeared to have been dug through recently.
Suggest: They both saw two packs leaned... (When I first parsed
that, I read it as "a pair or pants." ... Don't say it! :P
$Nothing, nothing. That does look better.
> "Hmm, so that's where she, I mean he, went," Akane mused.
>
> Ranma shook her head. "Anyway, just leave me alone and let
>me change back."
>
> "Okay!" Akane bobbed her head in agreement. "You
>won't even
>know I'm here."
>
> "Great." Ranma turned and picked through her pack for a
>second, until something occurred to her. "Wait, wait, wait a
>minute. What do you mean, 'won't know you're here'.
here'?
$Question mark would be good.
>Un unh.
>No."
>
> "But you�hey! What do you�HEY! Leggo!"
>
> Downstairs, Soun was just cracking the seal on another
>bottle of cheap sake when he heard his daughter yelling in
>protest. He paused as he heard a door slam, and Akane start
>beating on the door and yelling 'Not fair! You promised!'
>
> When he heard the faint buzz, something he'd missed
>earlier,
>he shrugged and poured a glass for his longtime friend.
>
> Genma nodded in sympathy as he and Soun started catching up
>on old times.
>
> ****************
>
> Kasumi practically had to be pried out of her room, a task
>accomplished only by the comment, "I'm sorry
sorry,
$Must be a grammar thing, rather than a speech one. Will change.
>Kasumi, dear, you
>seem unwell.
However, suggest: ...comment, "I'm sorry, Kasumi, dear, *but* you
seem unwell.
$Will consider.
> Maybe I should call the doctor..."
>
> She, while not exactly meekly, complied with the request to
>meet in the dining room.
>
> When she arrived, she saw her entire family sitting around
>the table, in addition to Mr. Saotome and a strange boy she could
>only guess was Ranma. The pervert.
>
> She sat down primly beside her father.
>
> "Kasumi," Soun began. "As
"Kasumi," Soun began, "as
$Right.
>I'm sure you've realized by now,
>this is your fianc�e, Ranma."
>
> "B�" she started.
>
> "SHH!" Soun interrupted.
>
> "I�"
>
> "SHH!"
>
> "N�" she tried again anyway.
>
> "SHH!" Soun waved his finger at her. "I've got a
>whole bag
>of 'SHH' here with your name on it."
O_o What a fatherly thing to say. ;)
$Seemed appropriate.
<snip>
$Snipped the rest of the grammar comments, they're largely repeat errors.
Will fix.
>as Kasumi, naturally defending herself from the increasingly
>violent tendencies of this strange male, quickly punched him in
>the groin.
Yup, she's a Tendo.
TOFU: GLARG!!!
$Tofu is mooning after a girl he can't have. Vow of chastity, and all
that.
> "Yes, father," she called. Turning back to her sister who
>was laying on the ground, she said, "Breakfast is ready, Akane.
>And there is a place for you too," she spat, then walked
>back into
>the house.
I think you need to clarify to whom Kasumi is speaking in the last
sentence. Suggest:
"Yes, Father," she called. (Oh, yeah. Cap Father.) Turning back to
her sister, (comma) who was laying on the ground, she said,
"Breakfast is ready, Akane." She stabbed Ranma with her glare in
lieu of her broom. "And there is a place for you, (comma) too!" she
spat, and then walked back into the house.
$Umm, had originally intended for it to be deliberately vague, as a way of
showing Kasumi's distaste for Ranma. She's a touch more viscious than canon
Akane.
> "I don't know," he replied doubtfully, staring in the
>direction of the house. "YIPE!" he exclaimed, as Akane patted
>something other than his shoulder.
Ranma's so dense...
$But he get's no sympathy.
> Akane squealed and clapped her hands together. "Great! I
>thought you had took
Either "you took" or "you had taken". I'd go with the first.
$Right.
>appearance.
>
> Akane shrugged slightly. "No, I really didn't play it with
>Them...
Did you mean to cap "Them" or is it your word processor being
naughty in a way that would be consistent with this story? ;p
$Heh, no, They don't show up till next chapter. Unless you count Ryoga,
and I, for one, don't. An H-demon that blushes at an ankle glimpse, what a
pathetic specimin. Miko would be ashamed.
> Ranma's higher functions went offline and he felt a funny
>feeling in his head, his nose, and one place a bit farther south.
DAISUKE: How far?
$Roughly two feet. He had a funny feeling in his tummy.
HIROSHI: Yaoi pervert.
$Heh, the only homosexual in this fic is going to be Mikado. All he wants
to do is kiss the girls, he saves his all for the boys...
> Akane naturally landed on top, but quickly got off
$Unintentional, believe me.
AKANE: It never DOES last long enough!
RANMA: GLARG!
$You know what they say, practice makes perfect. So practice, practice,
practice. ^_-
>
> School the first bell had already rang when they made it to
>school,
The first bell had already *rung* when they made it to school,
>but they easily made it to class on time, boys scattering
>before them.
Two "mades" in the sentence, and not the kind in the frilly black
outfits. Suggest:
The first bell had already rung when they arrived at school, but
they easily made it to class on time, boys scattering before them.
$Right.
> Even in that much of a hurry, Akane still made time
>to grab an ass or two as she passed if the owner wasn't fast
>enough.
Akane's own brand of training her peers, hey? ^__^
$If she ever met Ataru, there would be an explosion on a cosmic level.
>
> Ranma even saw Kuno Tatewaki as he was on his way to class
>with yet another girl by his side. He waved politely and nodded
>at Akane, not breaking eye contact with Ranma. Ranma shook his
>head, prompting Kuno to nod back.
>
> The first day Ranma showed up at Furinken,
I'm fairly certain it's 'Furinkan'.
$Me too, but my spell checker seems to have different ideas. Me, it, and a
large hammer will have a talk about it later.
> About lunchtime, Ranma started wondering about Akane's
>friend they were supposed to meet later that day. What type of
>guy did Akane like to hang around with, after all? He
>looked over
>to where Daisuke had worked his hand under the shirt of Yuka's
>uniform, exposing a black leather bikini top. Better not answer
>that, he decided.
Racy crowd, our Akane-chan's...
$Everyone needs friends. So what if they consider ink blots to be first
rate smut, Akane has an open mind. Legs too, but that's this story.
>am I doing this?"
>
> "Because you didn't say no," Akane pointed out.
>
> Ranma sighed. "I knew it had to be something like that."
Funny how that happens. ;)
$Has got me into trouble on more than one occasion.
> "Ah. Well, there's the park." Ryoga, he thought. That
>sounds really familiar.
>
> "Yup, lets
let's
$One per chapter. That's all I ask. Give me the one per chapter.
>go find him."
>
> They walked quickly through the park, occasionally climbing
>a tree to look around. In the end, it was Ranma who spotted the
>sidewalk that was cracked for nearly 20 yards. It looked like
>someone had done it with their fists. His eyebrows rose and he
>started to have a sneaking suspicion of who
whom
$Never _did_ learn those rules.
>that they were both fighting over
>who got to make love to her, and almost told them they could both
>do it to her at the same time before she caught herself.
Hehehehe. And just HOW did she catch herself? And did she enjoy it?
:P
$Wouldn't you like to know?
> "Whatever, lets
let's (being a contraction of 'let' and 'us'. </lecture mode>) :P
$Damn. Okay, howabout two? I swear, I almost never do this anymore.
> One of the other little quirks of the local doctor, Akane
>mused, was that he was as blind as a bat. She sighed. "Never
>mind, Doctor Mousse. Sorry to trouble you."
O_O Yes, folks, this is definitely Ranma.alt. ^_^
$Easiest way to justify Kasumi's change. Almost valid, too.
> "He didn't fall for it?" Ranma asked, unable to contain her
>curiosity any longer.
>
> "Oh, no, he fell for it. Bad. But then my damned
>long hair
>and his blind clumsiness got us wrapped up in that skeleton. My
>hair got knotted around his throat until he passed out, and I had
>to cut my way free." She fingered her fairly short strands of
>hair. "I swore I'd never have long hair again."
Well, that's an interesting twist on the canonical reason for the
short hair. ^_^
$Kasumi thought so as well, especially since later Mousse swore it was
really Kasumi and that they had 'done the deed', so to speak.
> Ranma searched for something to say. Akane had this way of
>rendering her speechless, and now was no exception.
HAHAHA!! Touche. :)
$Hard to talk with your tounge on the ground. Ruins all the best pick up
lines.
>"Well, umm, I
>think short hhair
h-hair? Or just a stray, lonely 'H'? :P Every pun intended. ^_^
$Bad author, no biscuit. I do have this nice ecchi manga though...
> But then she pulled on her
>hair absentmindedly. "Still, it would have been nice sometimes.
>I could have braided it into reins for my boyfriends if I'd have
>kept it long.
Ah, rendered speechless yet again! :)
$Yes, but that was because of the ball-gag.
> Ranma shrugged. "I've been thinking about it, but
>I think I
>remember him now. I thought he looked like a guy who I went to
>school with a few years ago. If so, this is probably over the
>bread."
>
> "Bread? You mean money?"
Heh. I do this too, but it always amuses me to make English language
jokes when they are supposedly talking translated Japanese, more or
less. Oh, the conceit of authorship. ;)
$It's called... Umm, localization? Anyway, when they are translated the
cultural in-jokes are supposed to be replaced by jokes from the appropriate
culture. This usually meets with varying degrees of success. SO the way I
see it, I'm just doing a bad job. ^_^
> Ranma's pigtail stood on end.
ARGH!!! And THEN what happened?!?! O_O
$Akane got distracted by a cute male butt and Ranma was left to her own
devices.
> His curse wasn't exactly high on his list of
>favorite things
>either. Dozens of springs at that Jusenkyo place, and he had to
>fall in the spring of drowned baby tentacle demon.
O_O O_O O_O O_O O_O
Can you give me the Chinese, please? <something>-niquan
or -niichuan? ^_-
$Err, no. Heh, the guide didn't tell Ryoga, and he didn't tell me. See?
I don't know.
> And for the
>life of him, he couldn't figure out how it had drowned. He
>certainly wasn't having any trouble breathing water.
The old Tarou-octopus question, ne?
$Easy one to answer, really. If all the oxygen is removed from the water,
anything will drown except for certain types of bacteria. Coincidently
enough, the bacteria that are usually reponsible for removing all the oxygen
in water are the ones that decompose dead flesh, such as what ever drowned
there before. It's easily possible, but Ryoga doesn't know this.
Heh, and my microbiology/genetics professor accused me of never paying
attention...
> Ryoga looked like a cross between an octopus and a squid,
>with an enlongated, bulbous head, huge yellow eyes and thirteen
>tentacles curled beneath him. Usually
Usually,
>he liked to wrap them
>around something,
Or snake them into something... *wink, wink, nudge, nudge...*
$Of course. Instincts don'tcha know.
And, er, just how does he manage that feat? Octopoidal masturbation?
Hmmm...
$I can only assume. I didn't ask.
AKANE: (Doing her best American voice-actress Nene warble from BGC)
OOOOO!!!
$Heh.
> He had just enough time to take in the red hair, long
>pigtail, nice breasts, and huge eyes dialated in pure terror
>before the scream hit him.
HAHAHAHA!!! Revenge, of a kind.
$It's not bruised and bloody, but hey, take what you can get.
> Ranma-chan surged out of the furo, frantically trying to
>scrape the still clinging thing off and screaming at the top of
>her lungs.
You know, this could have degenerated into some series tentacle
hentai right about here...
$Chapter after next, really. 'Sides, Ranma is a guy. It takes the fun out
of it for me. First impressions are the lasting ones, you know.
>functions cut off and his body started operating on
>instinct.
YES! Tentacle-demon instincts!
$Cling and wiggle, cling and wiggle!
> And
>its instinct was to cling tightly to Ranma's leg.
Aw, nuts. :)
$No, Ranma is a girl now. I doubt Ryoga's instincts would be to cling to
Ranma's nuts anyway.
> She
>ricocheted
:) good word
$Although it took me 15 minutes with a dictionary to find out how to spell
it.
> "AHHHH!" she screamed, shaking the broom around to
>throw off
>the vile monstrosity. "Die foul demon!"
"Die, foul demon!"
Mamono Hunter Kasumi!
KUNOU: HEY! That's MY line!
$If you mean Kodachi, then yes. ^_^
> "Yes, it's gone." Kasumi's face hardened. "Now
>look at the
>mess you made! Now I've got to replace all those doors..." she
>walked away grumbling.
CINDERANMA: Yes, stepmother! Of course, stepmother!
BABA KASUMI: And be quick about it!
Or would that be Ranmarella? Hmmm, why am I thinking of Jane Fonda,
all of a sudden? ;)
$Because at one time she had a nice rack?
Of course, in the original Brothers Grimm, it was Aschenputtel, so
perhaps Ranmaputtel? Hmmm... Aschenranma? ... I digress. :P
$O_o
> Although she had been sickened by the reccuring thought of
>the monster, the lure of being male had called her and Ranma had
>been able to change back.
It occurs to me that there is probably a much more interesting and
long-lasting way for Ranma to change back to male. *waggles
eyebrows* ;)
$I wussed out, I admit it. But I really want the next lemon scene to
involve _more_ than one character. Even masturbation looses it's fun after
a while.
>felt nothing from the strange beast in Akane's arms. "Yeah, I'm
>fine. I was just surprised, that's all."
>
> "You were up there an awful long time, have any trouble
>changing back?"
Suggest: "You were up there an awful long time. Have any trouble
changing back?"
$Akane: Or were you just having a good time?
> Ranma had highly trained reflexes, and a good
>danger sense.
>Add that to her sensitivity to the eldritch perversion
Well, that description certainly leaps out of the page at you. ^_^
$Add Akari the Cthulu priestess and you've got a recipie for fun and
neckstrain.
> "Hmph, look at them," she said to herself.
>"Playing without
>a care in the world. I wish I could be like that." She drifted
>off into fantasy, imagining her and a handsome stud
>playing horsey
>on soft grass.
All right, Kichigai. Enough teasing. ^_^
$Never did believe in instant gratification.
Heh. Well, the plot moves apace.
$Plot? Donny said it'd go away.
Will comment on TToL4 when I get a
chance.
$Hope you enjoy it!
Thanks for continuing the series.
$Thanks for the comments!
Adios,
Kichigai