Hey, DA!
Well, I finally got around to C&Cing this one. Sorry for the delay.
No notes at the beginning? Wow, this is something new. What am I going
to do with all the jokes I had prepared now, eh? ^_^
A Sailor Mercury fanfiction
Not "Sailor Moon"? Nice detail.
NOTE: C&C will be appreciated. Thanks.
Ah, you have much to learn in the way of begging, my good man. ^_~
You should know that from now on, you might find a number of comments
and criticisms, and that all and every one of them belong to me. So, if
you happen to disagree with any of them, you can yell me at FFIRC. :-p
In other (acronym-filled) words, all C&C IMHO.
RIPTIDES One
Why the caps in "riptides"?
==--
She screamed in pain as the a boot slammed into
Choose either "the" or "a" here and drop the unlucky one.
her chest region, despite her attempts to cushion the
Is this "region" really necessary? It seems superfluous to me.
impact with her arms
Missing period.
As her glasses clattered along the hard asphalt
uselessly, Ami doubled over, clutching to her chest.
...clutching her chest?
This was it for her, she thought as she felt intense
pain flare in the region. At least two of her ribs must
Fells awkward. Why not simply:
...flare in it.
have broken, judging from the pain...
Another blow struck her directly behind her left
ear, snapping her head to the other direction.
Crashing to the ground, she tried not to cry out
and failed. Sniffing, she opened her eyes hesitantly
I'd place a comma after "cry out", and perhaps change the "and" for a
"but".
But maybe that's just me... ^_^
and saw two dark figures approach her with intent to
maim. She drew her body closer to herself and pleaded,
How did she know they intended to maim by only seeing them? For that
matter, how do you approach someone with intent to main?
"Please don't hit me again, please. I didn't do
Please, don't...
anything!"
"You think you're so smart and mighty, aren't you?
AMI: Yes, I do.
DARK FIGURE #1: See, man, I told you.
DARK FIGURE #2: (handing DF#1 some money) Okay, okay, you were right.
Well, here's a news-flash for you: nobody likes a snob
like you. I HATE people like you; always showing off
their smarts!" One of them growled as he brought up his
...off they're smarts! one...
arm, preparing to strike again.
She flinched at the sight and squeezed her eyes so
she would not have to witness it coming. Expecting the
blow, she was momentarily surprised when none came.
Instead, despite having her eyes closed, she registered
a bright flash of light, followed by a loud crashing
noise. A scream that was not her own followed before
being cut off abruptly.
"That was not her own" seems redundant, too, especially since this whole
scene is narrated from Ami's POV.
Silence followed, except for an occasional
You repeat "followed" in two consecutive sentences. "Ensued", mayhaps?
...for occasional... (as "noises" is in the plural)
metallic noises. Still dreading blows, she kept her
eyes closed for what seemed like an eternity to her. In
reality, only a minute had passed before she finally
worked up some nerve to open her eyes. What she saw was
This sentence: "In reality, only a minute had passed before she finally
worked up some nerve to open her eyes." is, if I'm not wrong, written
from the viewpoint of an omniscient narrator. As the rest of the scene
seems to be related from Ami's, you might want to consider dropping it.
Besides, it's not really needed, and does nothing to describe Ami's
state of mind (which appears to be the major point of this
introduction).
not what she had expected.
"Wha...?" Ami blinked in surprise as she saw the
Again, I'd look for a synonym of this "saw", so as to not put the same
word so close together.
ruined structure of an air conditioner resting atop of
her abusers. Glancing up, she realized that the machine
had somehow toppled off the top of a two-story building
and had conveniently landed on top of the boys.
For several moments she dared to hope that her
I _think_ you oughta put a comma after "moments". Then again, I usually
abuse commas in my stories, so...
ordeal would be over at last. Unfortunately, it was
quickly dashed. Her eyes widened as she saw the pile
shift noticeably. "No..." she whispered as she shook
her head in fear. They were still coming after her.
Instinct took over her thoughts and she turned
around and tried to run, only to fall to the ground as
Maybe:
Instinct taking over her thoughts, she turned around and tried...
one of her legs gave out under her.
"No, no, no!" The blue-haired girl pushed herself
up through sheer willpower, ignoring the unbearable
pain. She had to escape!
"Oh, no no no no..." Ami sobbed to herself as she
limped deeper into the dark alley, ignoring the pain in
her broken leg. She had to escape, run away. They were
You already said she was ignoring the pain in her leg.
...to escape, to run away. (I think)
after her, and there was nothing she could do about it.
They always came after her and hurt her. She wanted the
pain to stop.
She wanted it to stop. Insults, hatred, rejection,
abuse, bullies. She wanted them all to stop. But most
importantly, she wanted to be left *alone!*
Having lost all semblance of sanity, Ami Mizuno
I think the sentence would have much more strength if you delete "Having
lost all semblance of sanity". It feels like you're explaining what's
going on instead of letting your readers draw their own conclusions.
half screamed, half sobbed hysterically as she drove on
deeper into the dark path.
Great line. I love it.
--- --- --- --- ---
The faulty G3 Studio presents:
A Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Mercury fanfiction
RIPTIDES
Segment I of VII:
ICE - The Temptation of Water Senshi
Suggestive, definitely suggestive.
By Dark Alpha
--- AlphSailor@aol.com
Sailor Mercury and its associated characters are
copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi. Please do confuse it
with its alias show, Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon,
though. I'm just writing some fics for that series,
even though BSSMercury technically doesn't exist, for
fun.
No profit? Gee, then what did you do with that monet I sent to you last
month? Remember? When I told you'd better get to write or else? :-p
BEGIN segment I of VII: ICE - The Temptation of Water
Senshi
Gah, title segments for my fic just keeps on getting
longer and longer...
No kidding.
--- --- --- --- ---
"AMI!" The cat heaved a huge sigh of fear as he turned
Not indented.
into the branch of the alley and came to stop,
...to a stop.
horrified by the scene before him. Ami was cuddling to
herself on the oil-slicked asphalt. She was sobbing.
I'd make one sentence of these two. Like:
Ami was cuddling to herself on the oil-slicked asphalt, sobbing
uncontrollably.
Throwing caution as well as common sense to the
wind, he ran over to his 'owner' and called out her
Maybe it's be better if you used quotes here instead of single quotes.
Those are usually reserved for quoting inside quotes, IIRC.
BTW, Artemis is Minako's pet--but I'm sure you know that. I wonder if
this is an Alt Uni fic... ^_~
name. He didn't mew out; he called out in a human-like
I believe it's "miaow" ("miaou", maybe?).
voice that didn't quite sound human. "Can you hear me?"
Still not budging from her side position, she
lifted her head hesitantly, "W-What do y-you want?" Her
Change this comma for a period.
voice quivered for a moment before she recognized the
cat as her pet, "A-Artemis? H-how...?"
And do the exact same thing here.
The cat nodded. "A-are they g-gone...?"
Why did he nod? Move the quote to a new paragraph, as Ami's the one
talking, and not Artemis.
Again, the animal nodded his head and was about to
open his mouth when Ami suddenly lapsed into a violent
seizure.
"AMI!"
ARTEMIS: You've just eaten! This is no time for shaking--don't you know
you could have a heart attack?
Fortunately it was short-lived, but Artemis didn't
A comma after "fortunately" is in order, methinks.
want to take any chances. "Can you hear me, Ami? How
bad is it?"
AMI: Seeing that I'm hearing my pet talk, I guess it's pretty bad.
She blinked at him. "D... did you just talk?"
"Yes." The girl blinked again.
And move the second sentence to a new paragraph, too. As it is, I get
the impression Ami's the one saying "yes".
"Really?" Ami didn't feel any pain as she pushed
herself up to a sitting position against the brick
wall, shocked beyond her senses.
"Yes, I can talk! But that's not important right
now; we don't have much time left!" Ami didn't reply,
Same here. I'm going to give you an advice a pal gave me once: when you
name someone immediately after talking, readers believe that the person
you named is the one who spoke.
but shook her head instead, mumbling something. She
shook her head again. This time it was too much for her
as she felt dizziness overwhelm her.
She shook her head one last time, and died instantly.
AMI: *Gee, maybe I should've stopped doing that...*
"Are you okay, Ami? Can you stand up?"
As the brief nausea passed, she gave Artemis a
brief look before drawing into herself and mumbling,
"Wonderful. My pet cat can talk. Either that, or I'm
going crazy."
"No, you're not going crazy. I'm real thing."
Is there something missing between "I'm" and "real", or are Artemis and
Shampoo relatives?
Ami tried to inhale in some air to relax herself,
Drop that "in". "Inhale" and "breathe in" are synonyms.
to lessen the effects of the adrenaline coursing
throughout her battered body. Suddenly, she doubled
over and groaned loudly in pain, clutching to her
chest. The cat quickly jumped down from the crate and
ran over to her.
"My chest... it hurts." She coughed weakly. The
kick she had received to her chest was more serious
I think we all know by now where the kick hit, ne? That "to her chest"
seems superfluous to me.
than she had thought.
"They really worked you over, didn't they?" Ami
nodded weakly, and Artemis noticed that she seemed be
bit paler than few moments ago.
"A couple of broken ribs, at least..." She
squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the pain.
"And a concussion, probably. How else could I explain a
talking cat..."
...cat...?"
ARTEMIS: Well, maybe they drugged you or something. *frowns* Or maybe
it's time you and I had a serious talk, young lady.
With that last statement, Ami had lifted her head
to gaze at her pet cat. Artemis took a step back in
shock when he realized that her eyes had become glassy,
undilated. Ami was in danger of going in shock!
...going into shock!
He thought fast and hard, but came up with the
only thing he could think of at the moment; he quickly
Um, this looks like a contradiction. Why not:
He thought fast and hard, but was only able to come up with one thing of
at the moment...
Or just rephrase the whole bit.
jumped on Ami's lap and bared his canines, then sank
them into the warm flesh of her arm.
ARTEMIS: *Yezzz, thiz iz the ztuff...*
AMI: What are those bat wings for, Artemis?
ARTEMIS: Er... We talking cats have them so we can fly over battle zones
and advice our Senshi.
AMI: Now that I think about it, why do you always sleep hanging from the
ceiling fan?
ARTEMIS: Um, it helps me stretch my limbs and get rid of those awful
kinks?
AMI: Wow, you have very long canines, Artemis.
ARTEMIS: ... ... ...Okay, I'm a vampire! So what?
Anyway...
He didn't have to know from being thrown clear
across the space between the walls before crashing into
several trash cans that his attempt had been
successful; Ami's piercing screams told him that his
point had been made.
"Damn you, Artemis! That **hurt!**" Ami spat out
some vile obscenities, though they were lot milder than
the ones he was used to.
Or that the ones SM fans are used to, for that matter. ^_^
He quickly crawled out from under the pile of
refuse, silently cursing whoever invented trash cans.
It would take him days to air out the stench from his
white coat, which was also now pretty much soiled,
thank you very much.
Um, this "thank you very much" may well be an stylistic touch, but it
disrupts the flow of the prose, IMO. Your choice.
"I'm really sorry, but you were about to go into
shock!"
"You think I _don't_ know about the symptoms of
shock?" Ami replied sarcastically as she clamped down
on her bleeding arm wound with her free hand, despite
Arm-wound, maybe? Actually, I'm not sure that word exists, but if it
doesn't, then drop either "arm" or "wound".
the fact that she had a fractured radius bone. One of
her assailants must have been wearing steel-toed shoes.
"They're just playing game of cat and mouse with
me. If I don't resist and play 'dead,' they'll
eventually get bored and leave." She seemed to be
unconvinced by her own statement, however.
The cat quickly played on her uncertainty. "Are
you sure? If you do that, you'll get hurt pretty badly.
Most likely lot worse than what you're feeling right
...likely a lot...
now. Do you _really_ want that?"
A pause, then a reply, "I don't care what happens
Um, there's no verb in that first sentence. If you want to keep it,
anyway, change the last comma for a colon.
to me, I just want to be left alone."
"I can't let that happen."
Ami turned to him, "Do you have any better ideas?"
..him. "Do...
He smiled slightly. For a cat, that is. "As matter
As a matter...
of fact--"
Artemis was interrupted by a loud rattling noises
from somewhere down the alleyway they had just exited,
and angry voices.
"I'm sure I heard her scream somewhere down that
way--"
"Blast it - who the hell put this thing in the
Aren't the one after "way" and the one after "it" both dashes? They're
different, though.
way?!"
"LOOK OUT!"
"When I get my hands on that bitch, I'm gonna--"
The rest of words were erased by loud crashing noises,
but the intent was crystal clear.
A third set of loud crashing noises quickly
followed, and Artemis had to smile at that. When he had
trailed Ami after the fight, he had used his Chance
"Chance Magic", perhaps?
magic at random behind him, hoping that it would help
buy them both some time. He was glad that his gamble
had paid off.
But it wouldn't hold two angry boys for long, so
he had to hurry. He quickly turned to injured Ami, "We
...to the injured Ami. "We...
don't have much time, so I'll get to the point right
now. Here," The white cat did a sort of back-flip,
...Here."
trailing white particles behind him. The magical
particles quickly swirled together and condensed into
an object that appeared seemingly out of nowhere. It
Um, as it formed from the magical particles swirling together, it
wouldn't be correct saying it appeared "out of nowhere", right?
landed on the hard asphalt with a metallic clanging
...with a clanging sound that wasn't quite mettalic.
sound that didn't sound quite metallic. It rolled to
stop near her.
"What... was that?" Ami blinked, not believing
what she had just saw.
"Take it - Hurry!"
IIRC, no caps after a dash:
"Take it--hurry!"
At Artemis' insistence, Ami involuntarily picked
up the object on the ground. When the cat didn't
object, she quickly took this opportunity to study it
in detail. Except that it didn't have much detail to
"Except that" doesn't belong here. Say simply:
Actually, it didn't have...
Or similar.
it, being a short cylindrical stick not longer than the
palm of her hand. Bearing blue and gold colors, it also
featured an unusual symbol on one end. She was sure she
had saw a similar design before somewhere, but couldn't
...had seen a...
quite recall. Something related to astronomy?
Artemis walked closer to Ami, who flinched at his
stink. He chose to ignore it and explained, "You've got
to stand up and raise that henshin stick up in the air
...stand up, raise that...
and say these words, 'Mercury Power Make-Up!'"
...words: 'Mercury...
"'Mercury Power... hey, hey! Hold on -- what are
Hey, hey!
you taking about? None of this makes any sense! And
what's with this stick?" Ami held up the object.
"That's yours, but we don't have much time left.
Just do it! And HURRY!" He heard a sixth banging noise
and urged Ami on. Not much surprises left. "I'll
explain everything after you do it! Please!" He spoke
fiercely, casting frequent nervous glances back at the
darkened alleyway.
Still feeling slightly dazed, she nodded a little
Can you nod "a little"?
before struggling to her feet as she tried to favor her
left leg despite almost unbearable pain. After what
seemed to amount to an inhumane effort for her, she
managed to stand and wobble a bit. She raised the stick
...stand, albeit wobbling a bit.
Or something.
up high and opened her mouth, even as Artemis looked at
her expectantly...
"On a second thought, forget it." Ami abruptly
changed her mind and lowered her arm.
Heheh. Nice.
The cat _almost_ had buried himself two feet under
the ground after her unexpected response. "What did you
just say?! Stop being an idiot and do it now!"
"Why should I?" It had taken her brain some time
to rouse out of its state of confusion and defensive
mechanisms during the savage attack, but she could see
things more clearly than she had moments ago. Too many
things sounded too fishy for her, and it wasn't the
horrible scent of Artemis'. "I don't trust you. For all
...of Artemis.
I know, you could be some kind of demon who's trying to
make a deal with me for my soul." She replied with a
...with cool...
cool caution and suspicion, regarding the cat she had
once known as her pet.
Artemis hissed, "No, I'm not. How could you think
of a such thing? And after saving your life too!"
...think such a thing?
She folded her arms in distrust. "There's no such
thing as talking cats, and I don't believe in magic.
Whatever happened back there was purely by coincidence,
nothing more." A bulky air-conditioner unit tipping
from the roof of a building on the thugs' heads was
almost too much for her to believe in.
"Give me a benefit of doubt." The cat pleaded,
...me the benefit...
"All you have to do is hold up the wand up in the air,
and shout the words, 'Mercury Power Make-Up!' There's
...words: 'Mercury...
no harm in doing something like that. Everything will
become clear to you after that."
Another crashing sound occurred, but it was lot
closer this time. Artemis decided to give it one last
shot, "Look, I don't care if you believe me or not, but
Period after "shot".
I'm trying to save from those monsters! What you've got
in your hands is probably the only thing that'll save
your life, so please do it and we'll discuss the
details later!"
The last of rattling noises ended and Artemis knew
...of the rattling...
that there was nothing to stop them now. To make things
worse, judging from their voices, they were *very*
angry. Noticing Ami's fearful glance back at the dark
alley, he added, "Or would you rather that they have
their way with you?"
The girl's eyes widened considerably, paling
slightly as she recalled the treatment she had
experienced not long ago. "No..." Squeezing her eyes
tightly, she hesitated for a moment before making a
decision.
There wasn't one, really.
Ami turned to the white cat for a confirmation,
...for confirmation...
receiving a nod in return. As the girl was about to
raise the wand, she paused and glanced back to the
white cat. "You sure you're not a devil in disguise?"
AMI: And in a pretty lousy disguise at that.
ARTEMIS: Hey!
"Yes, I'm sure!"
Well, he *might* be telling truth. After all, if a
demon was involved, the cat would probably have *black*
fur, rather than a white one. "What's in it for me?
Other than probably feeling foolish when nothing's
happening?"
"All you have to do is say those words. No strings
attached, I swear! Hurry up and transform before those
thugs come!"
*Transform?* Ami regarded the white cat for few
...for a few...
moments, then the way she had just come from, and back
to the cat before shrugging. "Oh hell with this. I'll
Um, I don't think you can use "to regard" this way. Try:
...from, and the cat one more time before shrugging.
Though I'm not sure that works, either.
And it's: Oh, hell...
even dance buck naked in front of the devil if it'll
take 'em off my back."
LATIN_D: If you do that, I might try to convince DA to change this
scene.
This was NOT the response Artemis had expected, or
wanted to hear.
Ami raised the henshin stick high again and
steeled herself. "Mercury Power MAKE-UP!"
Where she had expected nothing to happen, she
As she had expected...?
gasped as brilliant blue ribbons rushed out of nowhere
...gasped when brilliant...
and surrounded her, comforting her. Her clothes
Um, this "her" repetition sounds extremely awkward to me. I'd rephrase
if I were you.
dissolved in contact with the ribbons, leaving her
exposed to the tendrils of wispy blue trails. They
explored her body thoroughly, hugging close to her
skin, and reassured her. She tossed away any of
inhibitions she had harbored as she moaned in pleasure.
...away all of the inhibitions...
Moaned? O_O
I never saw THAT in the anime. Or heard it, actually. ...Damn! :-p
It was an incredible sensation for her.
Ami slowly spun around and tried to sweep up the
ribbons into her arms. She began to manifest a bright
blue hue, which excited her even further. Each wave of
Okay, okay, we're approaching Lime lands at high speeds, DA. Not that
I'm complaining. ^_^
glittering blue magic over her exposed skin sent
tingles throughout her body. More strips of blue color
Until this point, I liked the description. What follows felt like if you
were overdoing it, truth be told. You already described these thing,
even if you employed varely different words.
manifested and she continued to embrace them, reveling
in the sheer pleasure of it; so much of it that she had
nearly orgasmed, in fact.
Orgasmed? Now I understand why they keep fighting evil...
As blue ribbons continued to build up on her
This is what I mentioned. You used "ribbons" five times in the last two
paragraphs--tautological (if that's the word I was looking for--crappy
memory!) sentences tend to bore readers.
certain parts of her body, they solidified into a
fabric that she was not familiar with. Sadly, as
dictated by the nature, nothing was to last forever;
...nothing lasts forever;
the transformation was all-too brief, yet it had
All-too? Um... I don't think I ever saw it written that way, my good
man.
spanned countless seconds from Ami's perspective. She
I think "countless hours" would be more strong a phrase. "Seconds" feels
short, no matter the number of them.
felt a pang of sadness as the magic drifted away, but
it was short-lived one.
...was a short-lived...
Then in a blink of an eye, she *understood.* She
Then, in...
knew who she was; after years of disjointed feeling. A
...was, after...
piece of herself that had been so conspicuously absent.
For the first time since her birth, she felt like a
complete person and she knew what she could do.
As the blue hue that had enveloped her slowly
faded, she gazed at her new outfit in awe. Only moments
ago she had been wearing a soiled and torn school
uniform that bore no resemblance to her newest attire.
Her new uniform resembled a white leotard with a
Resemblance - resembled. Try a synonym.
YES, I'm a nitpicker. But you knew that already, ne? ^_~
short blue skirt. A very _short_ one, she noted, and
revealing more of her legs than she was used to. It
...noted, that revealed more...
made her seem bit more sexier than usual, though, in
...seem a bit more....
her opinion, but she wasn't sure whether it was a good
thing or not for her.
The new fuku wasn't the only change, though. Gone
were her slip-shoes, replaced by long blue boots with
white trim. Other newest additions were long white
gloves, dainty blue bows on her bosom and back, and
earrings. She was pleasantly surprised by the latter;
she hadn't gotten around having her ears pierced yet.
....around to getting...? Not sure.
Noting that her new outfit resembled a sailor's
uniform, she idly wondered how long it would last
before she ran into some trouble.
However, the biggest difference was her physical
well-being. She tested her arms in surprise. She felt
no pain at all. Taking in a deep breath, she found out
that she had no difficulty in breathing at all. In
fact, if she hadn't known better, she would've sworn
that her previous abuse had never occurred. The
injuries she had sustained should have taken at least
three months to heal completely, yet they had recovered
almost instantaneously.
AMI: This is even better than a Band Aid!
"Oh... wow," was her tiny reply.
No, it went way beyond 'wow,' it was absolutely
...'wow;' it...
GREAT! She could feel immense amounts of raw power
inside her, just waiting for her beck and call. She
reflexively closed her fists and opened them. She
repeated the exercise two more times. Raw power...
...them, then repeated...
And _she_ was the one who possessed it...
Then just as Ami was coming to the realization of
Then, just...
what had just happened, two boys burst into the dead
end, with angry expressions on their faces, "There's
...faces. "There she is!"
she is! Yer gonna get it for real this time, bitch!"
Ami snapped her attention from her arms to the
duo. The instant she saw them, her expression flickered
into fear momentarily before darkening into a scowl.
Not expecting an almost scantily clad little girl
with a blue hair in a ridiculous outfit, the angry boys
...with blue hair...
came to an abrupt halt as the said girl faced them,
brandishing them with a cold glare.
...brandishing them a cold glare.? Um, again, I'm not sure about this
one--but you might want to check it out.
"Who the hell are you?!" The first boy pointed at
her, "And where's that bitch?!"
...her. "And...
"She's not here! She must've doubled back
somehow!" The skinny boy said to his partner, glancing
around for any signs of the beaten-up girl.
As the boys accused at her for her identity, Ami
Huh? What did you mean with this?
frowned at their words; what did he mean by her being
not here? Surely they should've recognized her...
Unless...
"We've gotta find her, quickly!" The lean boy
...her quickly!
or
...her! Quickly!
pulled the first boy along into the direction where
they had just come from. "Come on!"
Something must have happened to influence the
perception of the boys, Ami deduced, so that they would
not recognize her as Ami. Most likely the same magic
that transformed her into Mercury was responsible.
So that meant... she really wasn't Ami. No... she
wasn't Ami at this moment, but Sailor Mercury. She
clenched her hands into fists as she thought
decisively. That's right, and where she had been
previously unable to do so, she had power to protect
herself as well as... for revenge.
Um, very interesting approach. A senshi gone awry...
"STOP!"
The boys blinked as Sailor Mercury suddenly
appeared in front of them, blocking their only escape.
She had been nearly five meters behind them less than a
second ago. How'd she cover the distance so quickly?,
Never double-punctuate: ...quickly? they...
they wondered.
"You're not going to get away from me that
easily."
Slightly intimidated by Mercury's threat for a
moment, they backed several steps before they realized
it. Eyeing the girl up and down, especially her long
exposed and slender legs, wicked grins came to their
...long, exposed...
face. They glanced to each other and gave each other a
You repeated "each other" in this sentence. Rephrase.
knowing glance; She's just a little girl.
Um, if you're quoting their thought here, you might want to do something
to make that clearer. If you're not, it'd be: She was just...
And change that semicolon for a period.
Even though they had worked that Ami-bitch over a
plenty, they weren't satisfied. They wanted to do more
than that, and worse. And here, standing before girl
...before a girl...
with legs exposed like that, they felt incredibly
horny. Even though the girl struck too much of
similarity to that bitch for their liking, they didn't
care, as long as they'd pop her hole for some fun. In
fact, they were turned on even more by their fantasy of
screwing up that Ami-bitch.
Um, I'm starting to dislike these guys... a bit too much. You see, so
far, they are pretty common evil thugs, who want to maim, rape, torture,
kill, and generally be mean for no special reason. At the beginning,
when you gave a clear reason for their hate (namely, the inferiority
complex caused by Ami intelligence and their own inadequacy--which, by
the way, is very common and believable), I could understand their
motivation and thus symphatise with Ami's struggle. Now, when they
become the usual bastards seen in many fics, it comes as a
dissapointment.
Maybe I'm being overly picky, but that's how I see it so far.
Mercury read their faces loud and clear, and,
Can you read something "loud"?
quite frankly, was disgusted by what they had planned
for her.
AMI: Whipped cream? I HATE whipped cream!
Nodding to each other, the boys turned to Mercury
with lecherous grins on their faces. They raised their
outstretched arms in preparation of grabbing her. No
...preparation for grabbing her.
longer named as Ami, the senshi brought a grim knowing
I think it's:
...longer known as Ami,
or
...longer named Ami,
smile to her face and relaxed her body. She knew
exactly what they would do, although still disgusted.
"...do, despite being still disguted." maybe?
As she brought up her arms in defense, her body
distributed itself over the spot she had chosen to
I tried to picture this, but I coulnd't. What do you mean by
"distributed itself"? Unless she transforemed into water or something...
^_^
stand, seemingly to move of its own volition, almost as
if remembering some skills long forgotten. She grinned
a smile that did not seem to be a smile, beckoning to
"A deceptive little smile", perhaps?
them. "So you want a piece of me, eh? Go ahead and get
me."
Just as she had predicted; they lunged forwards as
...predicted, they...
one, with the bulky boy taking the clear lead. As the
boys approached her, she allowed her body relax and
react naturally.
She had already "relaxed her body."
At the last moment, she sidestepped the bulky boy.
Even as she used her right arm to pull the boy's out-
stretched arm into passing past her harmlessly, she
"Outstretched", IIRC. Anyway, you've got a formatting glitch there.
spun around, still propelling the boy forward past her
and giving him an added momentum. Releasing him,
Mercury completed her spin and delivered a well-placed
hand-chop to the back of the boy's neck. Having been
caught off-balance by the added momentum, the blow
easily sent him sprawling to the ground.
Um, what about:
Thrown off-balance by the added momentum, he was easily sent sprawling
to the ground by the blow.
Ignoring the cries of the fallen boy, she quickly
shifted her attention around to the lean boy as she
came face-about with him. And caught his incoming right
Don't begin a sentence with "and" if possible.
She caught...
fist with her left, stopping it.
...her left hand?
Surprised by the unexpected resistance, Yaseta,
Ah, a name! Actually, I'd have giver the boys' names far before, so as
to help recognize them. That way, you could've avoided refering to them
so many times as "the thugs" or "the boys" (ESPECIALLY "the boys").
whose Mercury had quickly dubbed the weaker, skinner
"Who" instead of "whose".
fighter as, seemed to hesitate for a moment in
Drop the "as".
indecision before delivering another blow, with his
"In indecision" is already implied by "hesitate". Drop it.
free left this time.
Mercury deftly intercepted it with her free right
arm as well.
They remained in that pose, straining to move
their arms out of their lock and staring at each other
with fury in their eyes, unwilling to budge even a
centimeter. For several moments they did not blink.
Somewhere in the background a white cat meowed,
Comma after "background."
and Yaseta blinked involuntarily. This was all Mercury
AMI: ...
YASETA: ...
AMI: ...
YASETA: ...
AMI: ...
YASETA: *blink*
AMI: I won! I won! Another staring contest, another yen.
needed to break the stalemate.
Snapping into action, she executed a swift kick to
his groin. Yaseta doubled over in pain, ululating a
piercing scream as his testicles were crushed.
Ouch. >_<
Couldn't you have used another word instead of "crushed"? It sounded
almost too painful, y'know. ^_^
His knees buckled and he clutched to his now
nonfunctional sex organ. In a single blow, she had
effectively rendered him incapable of reproducing for
the rest of his life. Not to mention the fact that he
would never be able to experience an orgasm again.
...And that his voice would be high-pitched from now on. It might be
good for his physique, though.
This "Discovery Channel descrives the consequences of the blow" bit was
unnecessary. Leave something to your reader's imaginations.
"How'd you like that, you big, bad boy?" Mercury mocked
coldly, her eyes unforgiving.
Not giving the wretched overly hormonal boy a
"Overly-hormonal", methinks. And put a comma after "wretched".
BTW, is that really needed? It feels as if the narrator is talking to
the reader directly, and doing his very best to make him hate the boy.
chance to recover, she delivered a roundhouse kick to
his chin. His head snapped back as he was sent flying
across the empty space before crashing into the brick
wall.
Not a moment after she had delivered her
punishment to Yaseta, than she had quickly dodged to
her left, and at same time drove her right elbow deep
...Yaseta, she quickly dodged to her left, at the same time driving
her...
into the incoming Futotteiru's gut as he had tried to
AMI: Your parents hate you, ne?
FUTOTTEIRU: As a matter of fact, yes, they do. Why?
AMI: *rolls eyes*
ambush her from behind, forcing him to grasp to his
belly with his air forced out of his lungs.
"I haven't forgotten you either," Mercury replied
...you, either,"
"Replied" to what?
as she grasped both of her hands together into a two-
hand blow against his chin, sending him reeling
momentarily. "And don't think about getting off easy
either."
...easy, either."
The senshi turned around to face Futotteiru,
having slapped the name on him to describe his
deceptively plump body. Despite having more muscles
than fat, he was obviously out of shape, with more skin
sagging out in places that no gymnast would have dared
to exhibit in public.
Their groins? :-p
Futotteiru, having recovered his bearings, growled
at the girl.
"How terrible of you to be beaten by a frightened
little girl like me," Mercury brought her arms to her
...me." Mercury...
face and twisted her body around a bit, painting
herself as a comical pose of a scaredy girl, as she
Typo: scared
Unless it's a colloquial term I don't know.
taunted the angry boy. "Can't you handle even a
thirteen year-old girl like me?"
BTW, I think you never told us how old the boys were. As they blamed Ami
for "always showing off [she's] smart", I assumed they were from her
shool, maybe classmates.
Something inside the boy snapped as her words
sparked the boy into fury. With a loud shout of rage,
...sparked him into...
Futotteiru lunged forwards, intending to strangle the
girl. He didn't care if he wouldn't have some pleasure
...have the pleasure...
of screwing the girl or not; he would personally wring
life out of that bitch!
Prepared for his incoming lunge, Mercury jumped
...the incoming...
nearly two and half meters straight up, splitting her
legs wide like a runner leaping across a hurdle with
grace. Even as Futotteiru sailed underneath between her
legs, she brought down her double-fist against the back
of his head. Futotteiru staggered under the force of
the blow like a drunk, and nearly lost his balance as
his momentum drove him onwards.
Landing effortlessly, Mercury wasted no second of
her opportunity as she spun around into a run after the
swaying boy. Executing a flying kick, her blue boot
smashed against Futotteiru's back with a resounding
crack. This time, the boy lost his balance and crashed
into moaning Yaseta, who was still clutching to the
...into the moaning...
spot between his legs. Together, the boys crashed to
You used "crashed" twice in consecutive sentences.
the ground amidst screams of pain and... new element of
fear.
...and... a new... (I think)
After executing a perfect back-somersault, using
the plump boy as the springboard, Mercury landed softly
...as a springboard,
several meters from the pile of boys, satisfied but
prepared for any attack.
When she didn't encounter any, she straightened to
her fullest height, feeling more rejuvenated than she
had ever in her entire life. Training her gaze on the
quivering and moaning mass of boys, she pinned them
with the coldest stare she could muster. If looks could
kill, they would have been frozen in an instant. Her
And if loooks COULDN'T kill, she would have to find another way.
tone chilled their spines as she spoke with words that
seemed to convey force behind them, "I'm not a 'bitch,'
and I've been bullied by the likes of you and others
for as long as I can remember. Well, I've had enough. I
won't let anyone push me around anymore now."
Drop the "now."
She paced her arms through a complicated set of
patterns and poses, before settling into a final body
pose that almost resembled a martial artist's. "I am
the senshi of intelligence, and water is my element. I
am... SAILOR MERCURY!"
Facing her abusers, she slowly smiled at the looks
of horror on their faces. "You thought of me as cheap
person, some one to pick on... well, not anymore!
...someone to pick on... Well, not...
"I hope you enjoyed the fun you had with me," she
...me." She...
frowned deeply as her lips thinned. "Because it won't
happen again. And I'll see to it that you won't raise
your fingers against helpless girls ever again."
Her eyes sized up the quivering boys and grinned
I don't think an eye can grin... ^_^
...and she grinned...
as she raised her right arm. A small glowing spherical
orb of water manifested suspended mid-air from her
Comma after "glowing".
curved fingers. Her smile was not a pleasant one...
By the time the local cops had discovered their
cold prison, they were already long time too late.
* * I C E * *
Sailor Mercury was literally hopping with delight,
bouncing across vast chasms between buildings and
bridging busy streets and highways, abandoning caution
to the wind.
"Slow down, Mercury! WATCH OUT FOR THAT CAR!"
The senshi simply laughed as she bounced off the
roof of the car, patting Artemis's head. "Don't worry,
Um, where's Artemis at the moment?
I can see it!"
A semicolon instead of a comma after "worry", perhaps?
Needless to say, his fears were not assuaged.
"That's not what I meant!"
She did not appear to hear him. Instead, she
gushed on, marveling her newly-acquired abilities.
...marveling at her...
"This is incredible! I mean, this should be technically
impossible - this jump alone," Mercury noted as she
Um, I don't think the dash belongs here. A period?
executed another of her gravity-defying leap,
...leaps,
"practically violates the square/cube law! The only
logical explanation is that my mass must have changed
drastically..."
She quickly remodified her hypothesis the instant
she landed flawlessly, allowing her legs to absorb the
force of the impact, before bounding back into the air
again. "No, if this was true, my legs would've been
No. If...
crushed by the force of the impact. The concrete
beneath me would've been cracked under the combined
inertia and increased mass..."
"It's magic!"
"Not to mention that muscle tendons on my legs
lack energy to propel my body to such heights..."
"I'm telling you; it's magic!"
This time his words caught her attention. "What do
you mean, 'magic'?"
"I'll explain, just please STOP RUNNING!" replied
a frazzled cat.
...the frazzled cat. (as Artemis is the only cat there)
BTW, is "frazzled" the adjecctive you wanted?
"Oh, okay."
True to her words, she stopped running almost
instantly, having found a suitable place for them to
relax on top of a building located in the Thirty-second
district. No sooner than she had come to complete rest,
did she turn around to face the direction she had just
come from in awe. "Unbelievable! I've covered nearly
five kilometers in less than three times as many
minutes! That's strange, considering the amount of
...strange.
or
...strange:
distance covered in such a short time, I should be at
the brink of physical exhaustion, yet I'm perfectly fit
as fiddle."
...as a fiddle.
"I'll explain..." Artemis panted, trying to get
his racing heart under control. "That's... magic at...
work..."
"Magic? You're not making any sense."
"The source of your abilities comes from an unique
form of energy, of which only few has ever been able to
tap into. You'd know it best as Magic." Artemis
explained, "It basically amplifies your--"
"That's ridiculous! There's no such thing as
magic!" Mercury retorted, interrupting the cat.
"Yes, there is and deep inside you, you know that
...is, and...
it's true."
Her carefully maintained expression of
professional demeanor instantly crumbled afterwards as
she realized that Artemis' words were indeed true.
However, her rational side argued fiercely against
irrationality of magic. She shook her head, "We spent
...head. "We...
almost two thousand trying to scientifically prove the
"...two thousands years..." right?
<SNIP>
Mercury gazed intently at the shape floating above
her hand. "Next to sphere, it's the most perfect
...to the sphere,
representation of mathematical discrete structure
known. It could be said that it is the Universal
Formula. It's also widely believed that it may have
extraordinary abilities, or perhaps even... magical
properties."
In a blink of eye, the triangular figure winked
out of existence as she dismissed it.
Mercury lowered her arm and stood still as she
tried to cope with the implications of her words.
Gradually, her face twisted as she frowned, reflecting
her struggle.
Artemis quickly realized the core of Mercury's
inner turmoil. "Don't fight it; just accept it!
Nobody's asking you to throw out everything you've
learned. Just think of magic as a separate category,
with their own physics and laws, bearing no relation to
...with its own...
the physical properties." Well, in a way, it was true.
He, however, decided to 'neglect' to mention that magic
did not have ANY form of properties or laws to follow.
Magic simply was. "Think of science and magic as water
and oil. They don't mix, but they don't clash either!"
"I... guess I'll have to accept your explanation
for now. Until I can find a reasonable explanation,
it'll do for now." She resigned, sighing.
"Speaking of explanations," Artemis piqued up,
"What happened back there? Why did those guys attack
"what...
you? I almost didn't make it!"
Just as Mercury opened her mouth to reply, a
shrill sound of alarm shattered the night. The cat
instantly snapped into attention, "That's the burglar
Period after "attention".
alarm!"
"So?"
This time Mercury almost wilted under Artemis'
glare. "So? _SO?!_ In case you've forgotten, _Sailor
Mercury,_ you're one of the Sailor Senshi, and one of
your duties are to uphold the Justice _and_ punish
those who dares to oppose you and the Justice!"
Mercury had the decency to be embarrassed by her
pet's words, but Artemis' next line quickly wiped it
out of her system, "Or have you conveniently
...system.
<CLIC! ...I MEAN, SNIP!>
Having barely had begun her observation of the
...barely begun...
scene of littered bodies, her eyes caught a flash of
cloth, and English lettering, proclaiming some obscure
American music band, emblazoned across the back of the
shirt. She recognized that particular shirt, and knew
of only one person who wore it.
Hoping against fear, she instantly jumped down and
Hoping against fear?
sprinted across the bodies until she came before the
familiar shirt. She reluctantly turned over the girl
and gasped in shock, even as her blood turned into ice
as she recognized the unconscious girl. It would be the
sight that would haunt her for the rest of her life.
Despite the fact that the girl's skin tone had
unhealthy blue tone, indicating lack of oxygen to skin
cells, she recognized her. It would be the sight that
would haunt Mercury for the rest of her life.
Um, you have an indentical sentence at the end of the previous
paragraph.
"Miami!" She cried out as she shook her sister's
...she cried...
prone body. She quickly grasped Miami's arm and felt
for signs of pulse. It was barely felt, but still
beating. "No, no! Please wake up! I lost Daddy," Even
Please, wake...
...Daddy." Even...
though she was Sailor Mercury, she was still Ami Mizuno
Um, this is an understatement, especially for SM fans.
inside. "You're all I have left of my family! I don't
want to lose you!"
After several minutes of failed attempts to wake
up her sister, she decided to resort to her last
measure. After positioning Miami until she was resting
comfortably on her back, Mercury got to her feet and
stepped back for more room.
She closed her eyes as she tried to concentrate,
pushing aside her emotions aside for a moment. The
Two "aside" here. Drop one of them.
maneuver she was about to attempt was a risky one, and
she needed to maintain her control, despite the fact
that she had been a Senshi for barely an hour.
Using her abilities offensively already had proven
to be simple for her earlier, but this time, she had to
adapt to more defensive position so there would be low
risk of serious harm to her sister. She spread her arms
wide open, as if about to embrace a family relative,
and breathed out her commands, "Shabon--"
A shrill scream interrupted her. She quickly
swiveled around, prepared for anything that might
happen. She froze in shock as she stared at the source
of noise, an ugly creature throttling life out of a
hapless young woman.
A honest-to-god monster. Never in her wildest
dreams had she believed that a such creature would have
...that such a creature could have...
existed. Well, except perhaps in her nightmares. Then
again, if magic really did exist, her irrational side
pointed out, then why not monsters?
As she momentarily observed the beast, an
overwhelming sense of revulsion filled her. This
creature appeared to be a cross between a cockroach and
plant. It sported six hairy appendages with what
appeared to be plant sprouts at ends, of which one was
currently sucking some form of energy out of an
unconscious woman. Oh, yeah, it also had scales
covering its torso and abdomen. She noted that it
appeared to be female, if it could be believed that
those two mounds on her torso were mammary glands.
No, a demon was a more fitting than a beast for
this deformity, she thought as she gazed at her with
morbid fascination, yet unable to pull her eyes away.
Remove the "yet".
Suddenly, the monster swiveled her head to gaze at
Mercury, its pupil-less green eyes narrowing slightly.
Pupilless?
It belched out, "Mmmooooreeeeeeee eneeeeergggyyy..."
even as it released the woman.
The sickening noise of the drained woman as she
crashed to the ground rose Mercury out of her shock.
Everything suddenly became crystal clear to her.
It didn't take a genius of Ami Mizuno inside her
for her to figure out what had happened to her sister
and others. Miami obviously had been caught by this
monster, and had suffered the same fate as this poor
woman. This creature must have sapped so much of her
energy that she had collapsed.
She didn't know what this creature's intentions
were. She didn't want to know, nor had a heart to. She
... had the heart...
took one step towards the filthy beast as icy calm
settled into her heart.
She regarded the monster coldly as she bit each
word through her teeth. "You. Hurt. My. Sister." The
senshi raised her arm, her fingers snapping open.
An instant later, the deformity was pinned against
the brick wall behind it, holed by five icicles, each
measuring at least three meters long and ten
centimeters wide. It didn't even have a chance to utter
a scream. Mercury didn't spare the deceased creature a
glance as it collapsed into pile of smoldering dust
...into a pile...
that evaporated moments later.
Even as the corpse dissolved, Mercury had already
turned her attention back to her pale sister. Her
attack, how brief it had been, had taken up too much of
...attck, however brief...
her time. Rechecking Miami's arm for pulse, she was
quite relieved that it was still steady. What was more,
it had seemed, was that it seemed to be beating
Um, this sounds off. What do you mean by "What was more, it had seemed"?
BTW, you repeated "seemed".
somewhat faster now.
Picking off where she had been rudely interrupted
earlier, she stepped back and closed her eyes as she
tried to picture power flowing through her arms and
intoned the magical words; "Shabon Spray!"
Instead of a usual water blast she had used
...of the usual...
earlier against her abusers, she tried to will forth a
surge of liquid dihydrogen monoxide into existence
while simultaneously retaining its movement. Gradually,
as she concentrated harder, the acceleration of her
attack slowed to zero. After nearly ten seconds of
intense concentration, she slowly opened her eyes...
Perfect! She could see a rather large glob of
free-floating mass of water dancing before her. It
squiggled a bit along that way, then squirted into
another before swishing into a different direction. It,
however, remained suspended before the Senshi, above
her unconscious sister. She managed a slight smile,
relived that her gamble had worked.
Now to dump the water on her sister! With a flick
of her fingers, the floating sphere ruptured and...
"..." Mercury blinked as nearly forty-three
I never liked these "...". And it's not really needed.
gallons of water was dumped on her sister, and
...water were dumped on her sister, drenching...
drenching her down to bone in the process as well.
Okay, she reflected, she hadn't quite perfected it yet.
Needless to say, it had been more than sufficient as
Miami sat upright abruptly, spluttering angrily.
Well, at least it _has_ worked...
...it _had_ worked...
"Can you hear me, Miami? Are you all right?!"
Mercury helped her sister up to a sitting position,
hoping that it would enable her to breathe easier.
"Oww, my head hurts," Miami groused for a moment
before blinking at her rescuer, unable to focus her
eyes clearly. "Wh...who the heck are you?"
Mercury stared at her in shock; she didn't
recognize her?! "Miami, don't you recognize me? It's
me, AaaAIOOWW!" She cried out and clasped her gloved
hand over three long and angry red slits across her
Long and angry red slits...? Um... :-p
exposed thigh. She glared at Artemis.
The white cat glared back defiantly, and shook his
head briefly.
Oh right, Mercury realized belatedly what she had
Oh, right,
been about to do. Technically, her half-sister and she
had never met, as Sailor Mercury.
...met as...
"Who are you?" her sister repeated.
If her earlier actions were of any indication, she
did not doubt that she would gain a _lot_ of potential
enemies; both human and non-human ones, with allies
sorely lacking for her to fall upon. Given this
perspective, her sister would be in danger if she was
ever to discover her secret identity.
This left her with no choice, really.
"I'm..." she swallowed as she tried to suppress
She swallowed...
her emotions for her sister, "I'm Sailor Mercury."
...sister. "I'm...
Wiping her eyes clean of tears, she added, "I'm glad
you're all right. You must've fallen and knocked
yourself out. Just relax and you'll be all right.
"Now that you're okay, I've got to check others
and make they're okay as well so just sit here and
...make sure they're...
don't move, okay?" Not bothering to wait for Miami's
response, she hastily got up and diverted her attention
away from her sister by examining other unconscious
people.
Ho, hum. This guy appeared to be in similar
condition as Miami had previously been in. Low pulse
rate, but gradually regaining. Probably will recover
his consciousness soon.
Mercury moved on to another victim, and another.
They all had exhibited same status ailments as her
younger sister had. It didn't take her long to deduce
that whatever this creature she had just iced had done
...creature was, she...?
There's somehing amiss in that sentence.
no permanent harm to its victims. Given plenty of rest,
they would be as good as new.
Just then, she heard sirens. Her face quickly
contoured into extreme disgust. Hoo, boy here comes the
Typo: contorted
If it wasn't a typo, then you've got the wrong verb.
...boy. Here...
local blunders. Heading back to Miami, who appeared to
be massaging the muscles in her arms. "You okay?"
Miami nodded.
"That's good. I've got other stuff to do, so do me
a favor and the cops that you smelled some kind of gas
...and tell the...
and felt dizzy. Whatever you saw was just your
imagination. Oh, by the way, don't tell them about me;
they won't believe you. Thanks."
Actually, she just wanted to get the hell out of
the place before the police arrived. It would be pain
in neck to convince them about what happened here
...in the neck...
<SSSSSSSNIP!>
For some eerie reason, that blue-haired girl had
seemed familiar to her, and... hadn't she called her by
her name? She shook her head, must be her imagination,
she thought as she felt hands prod her for injuries.
...head. It must...
* * I C E * *
Mercury sighed as she watched some paramedics
administer some aid for her sister even as cops
...aid to her... (I think)
scurried around, searching for clues as to explain the
unexplained. Not that she expected them to find any.
Even the traces of the dust left behind by the creature
when it had dissolved had vanished.
She had never held much faith in local law
enforcement organization, not after they had let that
bastard slip through their fingers months ago...
The senshi shook her head to herself and cupped
her face into her hands as she stared at Miami. She had
really wanted to stay and help her sister as much as
she could, but Artemis was right; it was too risky for
her to stay with Miami, even with her disguise spell in
effect. Besides, she had no desire to place her
remaining family relative in danger.
...relatives...
"That HURT," Artemis groused as he preened his
neck the best he could do atop a bent pipe.
She ignored him. She wasn't in mood to listen to
his complaining anyway. The near-scare and latest brush
...complaining, anyway.
with a monster had seen to that. Instead, she simply
scooped him up into her arms and jumped off the roof,
eager to escape from the scene of crime.
"You've got a lot to explain, Artemis." Mercury
said as she landed on another roof of a building, not
feeling bit winded up at all despite her latest
encounter with the demonic creature.
Nested between her arms, the white cat replied
meekly, "I know."
"Why don't you start with that monster?"
"That's a Youma."
Mercury came to a stop on the top of a low-rise
apartment building several dozen blocks away from the
incident and released the cat to the ground. "Youma?"
Artemis nodded. "Yes, youma. They're released by
AMI: A youma? Didn't you say it was a Youma?
ARTEMIS: That's right. A youma.
AMI: Not a Youma?
ARTEMIS: Yes, a Youma!
AMI: Wait, wait, was it a youma or a Youma?
ARTEMIS: A YOUMA!
AMI: Did you have to use all-caps there?
an evil agency known as Dark Kingdom. While I have no
idea why they've come back after all these years, I do
know that they're planning to conquer this world and
destroy everything! That's where you come in!"
"Me?"
"Yes! You're Sailor Mercury, and you're part of a
small group of Senshi who have sworn to stop them
before they accomplish their dark motives."
"That I don't have a problem about stopping them,
but if I'm part of the group that you mentioned, then
why didn't they come to help when I needed it?"
The cat did not reply. "They're not here, are
Move this line to a new paragraph.
they?" Mercury sighed and ran her fingers through her
hair. "Figures. Just as I thought, I'm on my own."
"No, it's not that..."
"Then _where_ are they?"
"I don't know--"
"You _don't_ know where they are?!"
Artemis quickly tried to placate the upset Senshi,
"But I DO know who one of them, or at least a possible
...them is, or...
or
...know one of them,
candidate..."
<SNIPPETY-SNIPPY>
Mercury broke out of her trance immediately glared
at him, "Just for how *long* have you been following
...him. "Just...
me?"
"*Ulp.*" Artemis sweatdropped. He hadn't intended
to let that slip. "Umm, four weeks?"
"With you jumping in like that, especially since I
was about to commit?" She replied tartly. "Too much of
a coincidence, if you ask me. No, I don't buy it. Care
to try again?"
Artemis hesitated at Mercury's unrelenting gaze
and finally gave in, regretting his mistake. "Almost
eight weeks."
Mercury sucked in air involuntarily and leaned
against a nearby chimney to steady herself. She was
hyperventilating. During his stay with Ami as her
'pet,' he had never seen her react like this. It took
the senshi a long minute to bring her breathing under
control.
Um, you've got me all curious now. WHAT happened? WHAT?!
After few moments, she steeled herself and
clenched her jaw shut.
"Exactly what had happened? I need to know!"
They stared at each other for a full minute before
Mercury turned around and jumped off the roof with a "I
don't have to tell you that."
"MERCURY!"
As the girl-turned-into-senshi bounded across the
rooftop with ease, the cat sighed. That girl needed
some talking to do, and quite possibly a psychiatric
Drop the "a".
help. The unexpected mood swings Ami had been
experiencing within last few weeks were starting to
appear at increasingly frequent occasions.
But first, he had to chase down the stubborn girl.
* * I C E * *
In the end, it took him almost three hours to
track down Ami again. The fact that as Sailor Mercury,
she had an uncanny ability to traverse ten-meter gaps
between buildings in a single leap. She'd easily scale
Um, this sentence makes no sense at all. "The fact that she had an
uncanny ability..." what?
a three-story building with almost no effort at all.
And he was only a cat. Granted, a magical one at
that, but a cat nonetheless. So he had to take long
detours around obstacles where Ami would easily
overcome them. That explained the reason why it took
him so long to track his disciple to a desolate parking
lot, barely illuminated by two street lights.
Fortunately for him, Mercury had made it easy for
him to track her down. All he had to do was to follow
the trail of frozen people. At first, he had been
afraid that she had gone on a rampage, turning people
into human Popsicle at random. But after lingering
Caps: popsicle
around for several minutes as police investigated these
cases, it slowly became apparent that Mercury had only
been targeting criminals. He wasn't surprised that
among her victims, abusers, kidnappers, and rapists had
ranked high among those frozen.
He really didn't mind Mercury's choice of
pursuits, but her actions had been... bit too extreme,
... a bit too...
in his opinion. Mercury had to know beyond doubt that
several of the law-breakers would suffer massive cases
of frostbite and probably lose fingers and toes as the
result. And more than once, deaths had been confirmed.
The cat shook his head; this wasn't what he had
wanted! He had everything already planned out! He had
located not just one, but TWO potential Senshi
candidates. The plan had sounded so simple; go and
reawaken their submerged memories and locate the rest
missing Senshi. Once they had reunited all of the
Senshi, they would search for the elusive missing Moon
Princess and protect her from the Dark Kingdom.
Located Mercury earlier than he had anticipated
Locating...
had been an unexpected bonus for him. With her nearly
unparalleled intellectual capacity and aid of her
Mercury computer, he had no doubt that they would cut
the amount of time wasted in their search for the
missing Senshi greatly, thus improving the odds of the
Princess' survival.
Except that Ami wasn't reacting as he had
anticipated. From what he could vaguely recall of
Sailor Mercury, she had been the most reserved of the
Senshi and rarely took the initiative.
Ami simply wasn't following his carefully arranged
agenda at all!
Heheh. Great line.
"What a day - I'm bushed!"
Artemis stopped when he heard Ami's response and
thought about the past events. If her reaction to the
boys she had iced, as well as her brutal assault
against the now smoldering pile of what used to be a
youma, were of any indication, he reminded himself not
to get on her bad side.
He jumped up onto a nearby discarded cardboard box
for a place to sit, failing to find one, then turned
around in time to see Sailor Mercury glow a faint
bluish aura.
"Ami, NO - WAIT!"
Artemis's warning came too late as the senshi
willed herself to detransform from Sailor Mercury into
an Ami Mizuno. She perhaps had only a split-second to
utter an exclamation of surprise before she screamed in
pain as her body crumbled to the ground in an ungainly
fashion.
"Argh! What's going on?!" She groaned, clutching
to her pain-ridden chest. She had _felt_ the ribs in
her chest snap, as well as her right radius bone! To
make things worse, her left tibia had almost gave out.
She could sense the warning signs of upcoming
concussion, so she slowly shifted her body to her back,
and raised her legs up in air against the wall, to help
...in the air...
<SNIP>
"Without magic, there is nothing to maintain
preserve your condition, so your body reverts to its
"Mantain" or "preserve". Not both.
original state. In another words..."
"...any broken bones healed by magic will break
again when I turn back into myself." Ami finished
flatly. She sighed and covered her face with her
uninjured hand. "Great."
Artemis nodded solemnly. "Unfortunately, any
injuries sustained as Senshi will carry over once you
detransform as well."
"Do me a favor and spare me bad news." Ami gritted
her teeth as she rolled over to her side. "I'm not in
mood to hear any more of them." Closing her eyes, she
took a deep breath. Releasing it, she reached out to
drag her body along the ground.
"Ami! What are you doing?!" The cat cried in
shock.
"What do you think I'm doing," Ami grated through
...doing?"
her clenched teeth, trying her best to block out pain
...out the pain...
as she used her arms to drag herself towards the maw of
the desolate parking lot with immense effort. "I'm not
going to sit in a place like _this_ and do nothing. I'm
going to sit on that sidewalk over there instead and
wait until someone comes by so I can ask him to call
for some help for me."
She did just that.
Heh. Liked the ending.
END
--- --- --- --- ---
Phew. I don't think I ever C&Ced something this long before. 40 K was my
record... ^_^
For now.
Yay! I enjoyed the ride, y'know?
CONTINUED IN -
RIPTIDES
Segment II of VII:
COLDNESS - Desire to be Alone
Um, the title is decided. How's the writing going? ^_~
And so that concludes Ami Mizuno's first adventure
as Sailor Mercury.
In Segment II, Ami transfers to Juuban, and meets
someone who may turn out to be a friend that she so
desperately needs. And during one of her nightly
missions, Sailor Mercury encounters an unexpected
resistance in form of Sailor Moon.
Um, I _think_ I heard you talk about a Lemon scene at FFIRC. When is
THAT coming? ^_^
How will the Senshi resolve their differences?
If Ami can do the things showed in this chapter, AND has mood swings
like these, VERY violently.
--- --- ---
Author's notes:
Ah, it's rare indeed when an author doesn't have any notes. ^_~
<SNIP LONG-WINDED NOTES> :-p
By no means, don't expect to see the normally meek and
reserved Ami Mizuno that you're familiar with
throughout this series.
I kinda guessed that already.
And before anyone complains about Ami's OOCness, she
HAS the right to be. The drastic turning point of Ami's
life took place _years_ before Artemis found her.
The details of which, I'm certain, you'll let us all know soon. ^_~
And before I forget, I'd like to thank: Andrew Norris
and Murmur the Fallen for their suggestions and
encouragement. If there's anyone I've forgotten (and
over the year, I might've), I apologize! ^_^;
Oh yeah, and Kickaha too!
Three great gents, of course.
For those who're interested, here's her ice score:
09 criminals (crippled and/or killed)
01 youma
And that's only the beginning...
I shudder at the thought...
1872 criminals
234 youma
3 Dark Kingdom generals
2 senshi
1 Beryl
1 Moon Princess
Well, let's recap. Punctuation, I'm afraid, needs work. And you seems to
have a problem placing "a"s and "the"s--minor mistakes, all right, but
repeated throughout the story. Dialogue was really good--some of the
Ami/Artemis interaction was simply priceless. The prose flows smoothly,
and I couldn't see any major grammatical errors. Thie, together with the
flawless formatting, made reading a very relaxing exercise--something
I've come to appreciate lately, especially when C&Cing.
One of the things that surprised me the most was Ami's usage of her
magic powers. The control over her magic attacks displayed in this first
chapter makes me wonder what new moves Ami might come up with, or at
least new ways to employ the old ones. A very refreshing change from the
usual Ami, who relied on fogs and mists for the first season, IIRC.
So, if there's anyone reading this C&C who haven't read the actual story
yet, please notice the error in your ways before it's too late!
RIPTIDES's first chapter is defenitely a winner.
That's all for now. See you soon!
Latin_D