In a message dated 10.27.00 10:09:17 PM, latin_d@uol.com.ar writes:
Hey, hey, a C&C! :D
Hey, DA!
Well, I finally got around to C&Cing this one. Sorry for the delay.
No prob! Better late than never. :)
No notes at the beginning? Wow, this is something new. What am I going
to do with all the jokes I had prepared now, eh? ^_^
Nope. I make it a policy to put notes at the end. Don't want to
take unnecessary chances of turning off potential readers with
boring garbage, y'know? ^_^
A Sailor Mercury fanfiction
Not "Sailor Moon"? Nice detail.
Thanks. I wanted to emphasize this difference; RIPTIDES is
more far Sailor Mercury-centered than one would expect of an
average SM fic.
NOTE: C&C will be appreciated. Thanks.
Ah, you have much to learn in the way of begging, my good man. ^_~
Well, I like to be polite. (although you'll notice that I've
subtly implanted suggestions more than once throughout the
fic :)
You should know that from now on, you might find a number of comments
and criticisms, and that all and every one of them belong to me. So, if
you happen to disagree with any of them, you can yell me at FFIRC. :-p
You can expect me to have some words with you in FFIRC. If
anything, to help understand why you've got some gripes
about certain parts of this fic. :P
In other (acronym-filled) words, all C&C IMHO.
Of course. Good thing this isn't a Communist-run ML... :)
RIPTIDES One
Why the caps in "riptides"?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To be honest, I don't know why. All I know is that I've been
using it in caps since I began writing RIPTIDES. Whatever the
reasons I had, I don't remember anymore. Riptides is just as
good as RIPTIDES, I suppose.
==--
As her glasses clattered along the hard asphalt
uselessly, Ami doubled over, clutching to her chest.
...clutching her chest?
I was almost sure that "to" should be there, but after
rereading the scene, I decided to omit it.
and saw two dark figures approach her with intent to
maim. She drew her body closer to herself and pleaded,
How did she know they intended to maim by only seeing them? For that
matter, how do you approach someone with intent to main?
Wouldn't you assume the same if someone just broke your ribs
with a kick. Not to mention a broken leg and arm?
"You think you're so smart and mighty, aren't you?
AMI: Yes, I do.
DARK FIGURE #1: See, man, I told you.
DARK FIGURE #2: (handing DF#1 some money) Okay, okay, you were right.
Heh. Why does this remind me so much of "Birdy the Mighty" series? :P
Well, here's a news-flash for you: nobody likes a snob
like you. I HATE people like you; always showing off
their smarts!" One of them growled as he brought up his
...off they're smarts! one...
The this guy's remarking about how he thinks that Ami's showing
off how smart she is. More appropriate statement would be "...always
showing off [their intelligence]."
The bad grammar here was deliberate. But if you still feel
that I used it in wrong context, do let me know.
Instead, despite having her eyes closed, she registered
a bright flash of light, followed by a loud crashing
noise. A scream that was not her own followed before
being cut off abruptly.
"That was not her own" seems redundant, too, especially since this whole
scene is narrated from Ami's POV.
Hm, right. Will fix that.
metallic noises. Still dreading blows, she kept her
eyes closed for what seemed like an eternity to her. In
reality, only a minute had passed before she finally
worked up some nerve to open her eyes. What she saw was
This sentence: "In reality, only a minute had passed before she finally
worked up some nerve to open her eyes." is, if I'm not wrong, written
>from the viewpoint of an omniscient narrator. As the rest of the scene
seems to be related from Ami's, you might want to consider dropping it.
Besides, it's not really needed, and does nothing to describe Ami's
state of mind (which appears to be the major point of this
introduction).
You're right. Ami's state of mind is an important part of this
introduction, because it will play an important role when she
finds out that she's Sailor Mercury.
It's not always easy NOT to play an role of omniscient narrator,
though. ^^;
For several moments she dared to hope that her
I _think_ you oughta put a comma after "moments". Then again, I usually
abuse commas in my stories, so...
I think it looks fine to me.
Instinct took over her thoughts and she turned
around and tried to run, only to fall to the ground as
Maybe:
Instinct taking over her thoughts, she turned around and tried...
I like this one better.
"No, no, no!" The blue-haired girl pushed herself
up through sheer willpower, ignoring the unbearable
pain. She had to escape!
"Oh, no no no no..." Ami sobbed to herself as she
limped deeper into the dark alley, ignoring the pain in
her broken leg. She had to escape, run away. They were
You already said she was ignoring the pain in her leg.
Oops, hadn't noticed that mistake. ^^;
She wanted it to stop. Insults, hatred, rejection,
abuse, bullies. She wanted them all to stop. But most
importantly, she wanted to be left *alone!*
Having lost all semblance of sanity, Ami Mizuno
I think the sentence would have much more strength if you delete "Having
lost all semblance of sanity". It feels like you're explaining what's
going on instead of letting your readers draw their own conclusions.
Done.
half screamed, half sobbed hysterically as she drove on
deeper into the dark path.
Great line. I love it.
Glad you did. This line is somewhat of a homage to a fic
that never made past the prologue stage. I REALLY wanted
to read more of that Ranma/Xenogears fic... :(
--- --- --- --- ---
RIPTIDES
Segment I of VII:
ICE - The Temptation of Water Senshi
Suggestive, definitely suggestive.
Heh, heh. That's only the beginning!
By Dark Alpha
--- AlphSailor@aol.com
Sailor Mercury and its associated characters are
copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi. Please do confuse it
with its alias show, Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon,
though. I'm just writing some fics for that series,
even though BSSMercury technically doesn't exist, for
fun.
No profit? Gee, then what did you do with that monet I sent to you last
month? Remember? When I told you'd better get to write or else? :-p
What money? I guess I must've misplaced the green somewhere...
Hey, waitasec! I'm not supposed to be admitting this! :)
You misspelled money, btw. :)
--- --- --- --- ---
"AMI!" The cat heaved a huge sigh of fear as he turned
Not indented.
I purposefully left it that way, as many novels did in each
chapter. But since it seems to be more of a distraction,
I'll indent it.
horrified by the scene before him. Ami was cuddling to
herself on the oil-slicked asphalt. She was sobbing.
I'd make one sentence of these two. Like:
Ami was cuddling to herself on the oil-slicked asphalt, sobbing
uncontrollably.
Done.
Throwing caution as well as common sense to the
wind, he ran over to his 'owner' and called out her
Maybe it's be better if you used quotes here instead of single quotes.
Those are usually reserved for quoting inside quotes, IIRC.
Okay, will do that. It's a nasty habit of mine to use single
quotes for anything that's not quoted. Or funky-charactered. ^_^
BTW, Artemis is Minako's pet--but I'm sure you know that. I wonder if
this is an Alt Uni fic... ^_~
Yesss... Artemis is _normally_ Minako's pet, but let's
just say that in this case, Minako haven't had the
opportunity to meet him.
I'm somewhat surprised that you hadn't picked up on the
fact that this is an Altuni fic. There's just so many hints
that I could drop before the readers until they clue into
the fact. Artsy being Ami's pet is just one of them... :)
name. He didn't mew out; he called out in a human-like
I believe it's "miaow" ("miaou", maybe?).
I'm not sure. I was trying to make it clear that Artemis
wasn't a normal cat. He didn't go "meow" like most cats
did, but "talked" like a human.
I'll change "mew" to "meow," though. That should clear it
up somewhat.
The cat nodded. "A-are they g-gone...?"
Why did he nod? Move the quote to a new paragraph, as Ami's the one
talking, and not Artemis.
Right. I wasn't sure if I should do that, but figured that
it'd be already clear that it was Ami's the one talking.
Guess it wasn't.
want to take any chances. "Can you hear me, Ami? How
bad is it?"
AMI: Seeing that I'm hearing my pet talk, I guess it's pretty bad.
ARTEMIS: Yes, I'm just a figment of your imagination.
Everyone knows that cats can't talk!
She blinked at him. "D... did you just talk?"
"Yes." The girl blinked again.
And move the second sentence to a new paragraph, too. As it is, I get
the impression Ami's the one saying "yes".
Again, I assumed that it would be clear that Ami'd be the one
saying "yes." Will fix that.
"Really?" Ami didn't feel any pain as she pushed
herself up to a sitting position against the brick
wall, shocked beyond her senses.
"Yes, I can talk! But that's not important right
now; we don't have much time left!" Ami didn't reply,
Same here. I'm going to give you an advice a pal gave me once: when you
name someone immediately after talking, readers believe that the person
you named is the one who spoke.
And I follow the same advice all the time. Well, _most_ of
the time. I have an aversion to breaking up paragraphs into
multiple one-liners. I prefer to have them to have at least
two lines.
I'll still fix them, though.
but shook her head instead, mumbling something. She
shook her head again. This time it was too much for her
as she felt dizziness overwhelm her.
She shook her head one last time, and died instantly.
AMI: *Gee, maybe I should've stopped doing that...*
Heh. That explains why everyone's shaking their heads
all the time in SM; they're trying to die so they can
be reincarnated into better anime shows!
"Are you okay, Ami? Can you stand up?"
As the brief nausea passed, she gave Artemis a
brief look before drawing into herself and mumbling,
"Wonderful. My pet cat can talk. Either that, or I'm
going crazy."
"No, you're not going crazy. I'm real thing."
Is there something missing between "I'm" and "real", or are Artemis and
Shampoo relatives?
Oops. "I'm the real thing."
And I don't want to consider the implications of a relationship
of any sort between Shampoo-cat and Artemis. >_<
"My chest... it hurts." She coughed weakly. The
kick she had received to her chest was more serious
I think we all know by now where the kick hit, ne? That "to her chest"
seems superfluous to me.
True...
squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the pain.
"And a concussion, probably. How else could I explain a
talking cat..."
...cat...?"
ARTEMIS: Well, maybe they drugged you or something. *frowns* Or maybe
it's time you and I had a serious talk, young lady.
AMI: I'm not taking any drugs, I swear! Well, except for a
couple shots of LSDs, and maybe some marijuana as well, but
that's all, I swear!
He thought fast and hard, but came up with the
only thing he could think of at the moment; he quickly
Um, this looks like a contradiction. Why not:
He thought fast and hard, but was only able to come up with one thing of
at the moment...
Or just rephrase the whole bit.
I _think_ your suggestion reads funny, but it looks lot better
than what I could come up, so I'll take it.
jumped on Ami's lap and bared his canines, then sank
them into the warm flesh of her arm.
ARTEMIS: *Yezzz, thiz iz the ztuff...*
AMI: What are those bat wings for, Artemis?
ARTEMIS: Er... We talking cats have them so we can fly over battle zones
and advice our Senshi.
AMI: Now that I think about it, why do you always sleep hanging from the
ceiling fan?
ARTEMIS: Um, it helps me stretch my limbs and get rid of those awful
kinks?
AMI: Wow, you have very long canines, Artemis.
ARTEMIS: ... ... ...Okay, I'm a vampire! So what?
Oh, oh! It's time for that dreaded Sailor Garlic Attack!
ARTEMIS: Say, why does your breath smell funny...?
Anyway...
He didn't have to know from being thrown clear
across the space between the walls before crashing into
several trash cans that his attempt had been
successful; Ami's piercing screams told him that his
point had been made.
"Damn you, Artemis! That **hurt!**" Ami spat out
some vile obscenities, though they were lot milder than
the ones he was used to.
Or that the ones SM fans are used to, for that matter. ^_^
Lot more, actually. I don't think I've read SM characters
use words worse than "damn," "dang," "blasted," or the such.
Maybe it's time I went back to my SM fansubs, ne? ^_^
Just remember that this Ami's lot more likely to use more,
ah, rather harsher forms of obscenities here. It just remains
to be seen if I'll actually write that scene, though. I have
the oddest aversions...
He quickly crawled out from under the pile of
refuse, silently cursing whoever invented trash cans.
It would take him days to air out the stench from his
white coat, which was also now pretty much soiled,
thank you very much.
Um, this "thank you very much" may well be an stylistic touch, but it
disrupts the flow of the prose, IMO. Your choice.
Right. I'll take it out.
"I'm really sorry, but you were about to go into
shock!"
"You think I _don't_ know about the symptoms of
shock?" Ami replied sarcastically as she clamped down
on her bleeding arm wound with her free hand, despite
Arm-wound, maybe? Actually, I'm not sure that word exists, but if it
doesn't, then drop either "arm" or "wound".
Hmm. I must've accidentally added the extra word there while
I was revising the fic.
now. Do you _really_ want that?"
A pause, then a reply, "I don't care what happens
Um, there's no verb in that first sentence. If you want to keep it,
anyway, change the last comma for a colon.
There was a pause, then a reply...
"I'm sure I heard her scream somewhere down that
way--"
"Blast it - who the hell put this thing in the
Aren't the one after "way" and the one after "it" both dashes? They're
different, though.
The dash after "it" has been changed to a semicolon.
A third set of loud crashing noises quickly
followed, and Artemis had to smile at that. When he had
trailed Ami after the fight, he had used his Chance
"Chance Magic", perhaps?
Don't think so... We don't call the magic the Senshi use,
"Senshi Magic," so I think the same logic'd apply here.
trailing white particles behind him. The magical
particles quickly swirled together and condensed into
an object that appeared seemingly out of nowhere. It
Um, as it formed from the magical particles swirling together, it
wouldn't be correct saying it appeared "out of nowhere", right?
Humm... Point, I'll have to reword that somewhat.
"That's yours, but we don't have much time left.
Just do it! And HURRY!" He heard a sixth banging noise
and urged Ami on. Not much surprises left. "I'll
explain everything after you do it! Please!" He spoke
fiercely, casting frequent nervous glances back at the
darkened alleyway.
Still feeling slightly dazed, she nodded a little
Can you nod "a little"?
Changed to: "...she nodded slightly before..."
seemed to amount to an inhumane effort for her, she
managed to stand and wobble a bit. She raised the stick
...stand, albeit wobbling a bit.
Or something.
I'll take the suggestion; reads much better to me.
up high and opened her mouth, even as Artemis looked at
her expectantly...
"On a second thought, forget it." Ami abruptly
changed her mind and lowered her arm.
Heheh. Nice.
Isn't her reaction simply priceless, yet classical? :)
receiving a nod in return. As the girl was about to
raise the wand, she paused and glanced back to the
white cat. "You sure you're not a devil in disguise?"
AMI: And in a pretty lousy disguise at that.
ARTEMIS: Hey!
Hehe. Maybe I should've given him a pair of horns on the head,
a forked tail, and a forked pitchfork to suit him better? :)
moments, then the way she had just come from, and back
to the cat before shrugging. "Oh hell with this. I'll
Um, I don't think you can use "to regard" this way. Try:
...from, and the cat one more time before shrugging.
Though I'm not sure that works, either.
The change is subtle, but I'm sure it sounds much nicer.
... moments, then the way she had just come from, and the cat
once more before shrugging.
And it's: Oh, hell...
Hey, watch your language! :)
even dance buck naked in front of the devil if it'll
take 'em off my back."
LATIN_D: If you do that, I might try to convince DA to change this
scene.
Oh? And here I thought everyone'd appreciate the prospect of
a fanservice... :)
Ami raised the henshin stick high again and
steeled herself. "Mercury Power MAKE-UP!"
Where she had expected nothing to happen, she
As she had expected...?
Nah, I'll keep the original line.
and surrounded her, comforting her. Her clothes
Um, this "her" repetition sounds extremely awkward to me. I'd rephrase
if I were you.
...right.
dissolved in contact with the ribbons, leaving her
exposed to the tendrils of wispy blue trails. They
explored her body thoroughly, hugging close to her
skin, and reassured her. She tossed away any of
inhibitions she had harbored as she moaned in pleasure.
...away all of the inhibitions...
Moaned? O_O
I never saw THAT in the anime. Or heard it, actually. ...Damn! :-p
Heh. I'm taking things just a _mite_ further with the
transformation thingy here. :)
Actually, considering Ami's position, it makes a _lot_ of
sense. I hope I'll be able to cover this in later segments,
but if I can't, I'll be glad to discuss this in detail on
FFIRC.
It was an incredible sensation for her.
Ami slowly spun around and tried to sweep up the
ribbons into her arms. She began to manifest a bright
blue hue, which excited her even further. Each wave of
Okay, okay, we're approaching Lime lands at high speeds, DA. Not that
I'm complaining. ^_^
Unlike my previous fic works, this is going to be very limey.
Not that it won't be an interesting experience for me. ^_^
I still doubt that it'll become a lemon, though.
glittering blue magic over her exposed skin sent
tingles throughout her body. More strips of blue color
Until this point, I liked the description. What follows felt like if you
were overdoing it, truth be told. You already described these thing,
even if you employed varely different words.
I've revised the scene somewhat. I wanted to keep some parts of
the scene that you complained about, most notably the next bit.
This because it should help the readers understand why Ami is
acting like she is when a particular conflict occurs later on
in this series.
manifested and she continued to embrace them, reveling
in the sheer pleasure of it; so much of it that she had
nearly orgasmed, in fact.
Orgasmed? Now I understand why they keep fighting evil...
Yup! Fighting evil's just a side-effect of donning the pretty
suits; the transformation phase is just the best part! Why
do you think we've got those pretty "Make-Up" scenes? ^_-
As blue ribbons continued to build up on her
This is what I mentioned. You used "ribbons" five times in the last two
paragraphs--tautological (if that's the word I was looking for--crappy
memory!) sentences tend to bore readers.
I've already omitted this sentence, as it's wholly unnecessary.
All-too? Um... I don't think I ever saw it written that way, my good
man.
I don't think I have either. I must have instinctively written
that in.
faded, she gazed at her new outfit in awe. Only moments
ago she had been wearing a soiled and torn school
uniform that bore no resemblance to her newest attire.
Her new uniform resembled a white leotard with a
Resemblance - resembled. Try a synonym.
YES, I'm a nitpicker. But you knew that already, ne? ^_~
I don't have a problem with that. :)
The new fuku wasn't the only change, though. Gone
were her slip-shoes, replaced by long blue boots with
white trim. Other newest additions were long white
gloves, dainty blue bows on her bosom and back, and
earrings. She was pleasantly surprised by the latter;
she hadn't gotten around having her ears pierced yet.
....around to getting...? Not sure.
I'm not either, but I'll keep the original.
However, the biggest difference was her physical
well-being. She tested her arms in surprise. She felt
no pain at all. Taking in a deep breath, she found out
that she had no difficulty in breathing at all. In
fact, if she hadn't known better, she would've sworn
that her previous abuse had never occurred. The
injuries she had sustained should have taken at least
three months to heal completely, yet they had recovered
almost instantaneously.
AMI: This is even better than a Band Aid!
*grins* I should've known that someone'd have made that
remark. :)
came to an abrupt halt as the said girl faced them,
brandishing them with a cold glare.
...brandishing them a cold glare.? Um, again, I'm not sure about this
one--but you might want to check it out.
Right. Somehow I had a wrong definition in my head for this term.
...them with a cold glare.
"She's not here! She must've doubled back
somehow!" The skinny boy said to his partner, glancing
around for any signs of the beaten-up girl.
As the boys accused at her for her identity, Ami
Huh? What did you mean with this?
Meaning the boys are accusing Mercury of being Ami. Maybe I
should've removed that "at" to make it clearer?
So that meant... she really wasn't Ami. No... she
wasn't Ami at this moment, but Sailor Mercury. She
clenched her hands into fists as she thought
decisively. That's right, and where she had been
previously unable to do so, she had power to protect
herself as well as... for revenge.
Um, very interesting approach. A senshi gone awry...
It was bound to happen eventually. You can't expect her
to pass up an opportunity for revenge once she finds out
that she's got the POWER. Not after living the life she's
lived.
But that's what makes it SO interesting to me. There's also
the matter of how the rest of Senshi would deal with one of
their own going bad like Mercury did. And what about Usagi?
We know how she is, so the meeting of Usagi and Ami might
bring some surprises. You can expect that to happen in next
segment. :)
You just KNOW that things are NOT going to go smoothly for
Artemis and the other Senshi.
face. They glanced to each other and gave each other a
You repeated "each other" in this sentence. Rephrase.
I'd spotted this problem, but somehow I'd forgotten to
fix that.
knowing glance; She's just a little girl.
Um, if you're quoting their thought here, you might want to do something
to make that clearer. If you're not, it'd be: She was just...
And change that semicolon for a period.
Already fixed, on both counts.
with legs exposed like that, they felt incredibly
horny. Even though the girl struck too much of
similarity to that bitch for their liking, they didn't
care, as long as they'd pop her hole for some fun. In
fact, they were turned on even more by their fantasy of
screwing up that Ami-bitch.
Um, I'm starting to dislike these guys... a bit too much. You see, so
far, they are pretty common evil thugs, who want to maim, rape, torture,
kill, and generally be mean for no special reason. At the beginning,
when you gave a clear reason for their hate (namely, the inferiority
complex caused by Ami intelligence and their own inadequacy--which, by
the way, is very common and believable), I could understand their
motivation and thus symphatise with Ami's struggle. Now, when they
become the usual bastards seen in many fics, it comes as a
dissapointment.
I have to say, after reviewing this scene, I do agree with you.
I was trying to convey the impression that Ami was being beaten
up by students from her own school, not some common thugs.
Maybe I'm being overly picky, but that's how I see it so far.
But it's a valid point. I hope I'll have resolved this in the
revised version.
Mercury read their faces loud and clear, and,
Can you read something "loud"?
It's supposed to be a phrase, not to be taken literally. :P
quite frankly, was disgusted by what they had planned
for her.
AMI: Whipped cream? I HATE whipped cream!
And chickens! I'm fairly sure that Ami'd agree with
Ranma on both counts. :)
smile to her face and relaxed her body. She knew
exactly what they would do, although still disgusted.
"...do, despite being still disguted." maybe?
Much better.
As she brought up her arms in defense, her body
distributed itself over the spot she had chosen to
I tried to picture this, but I coulnd't. What do you mean by
"distributed itself"? Unless she transforemed into water or something...
^_^
Okay, this is where I usually have the biggest headaches. I was
trying to show that Mercury's twisting her body around and
spreading her arms and legs much like a martial artist would
do when he's assuming a ready stance.
stand, seemingly to move of its own volition, almost as
if remembering some skills long forgotten. She grinned
a smile that did not seem to be a smile, beckoning to
"A deceptive little smile", perhaps?
Ooo, how sinister! Will use. :)
one, with the bulky boy taking the clear lead. As the
boys approached her, she allowed her body relax and
react naturally.
She had already "relaxed her body."
Right, right. ^^;
Surprised by the unexpected resistance, Yaseta,
Ah, a name! Actually, I'd have giver the boys' names far before, so as
to help recognize them. That way, you could've avoided refering to them
so many times as "the thugs" or "the boys" (ESPECIALLY "the boys").
So noted. :P
and Yaseta blinked involuntarily. This was all Mercury
AMI: ...
YASETA: ...
AMI: ...
YASETA: ...
AMI: ...
YASETA: *blink*
AMI: I won! I won! Another staring contest, another yen.
DARK ALPHA: ... okay, that's the LAST time I ever get into
this stupid contest.
needed to break the stalemate.
Snapping into action, she executed a swift kick to
his groin. Yaseta doubled over in pain, ululating a
piercing scream as his testicles were crushed.
Ouch. >_<
Couldn't you have used another word instead of "crushed"? It sounded
almost too painful, y'know. ^_^
That's exactly what I wanted it to sound. Ami's NOT a nice
person anymore.
His knees buckled and he clutched to his now
nonfunctional sex organ. In a single blow, she had
effectively rendered him incapable of reproducing for
the rest of his life. Not to mention the fact that he
would never be able to experience an orgasm again.
...And that his voice would be high-pitched from now on. It might be
good for his physique, though.
This "Discovery Channel descrives the consequences of the blow" bit was
unnecessary. Leave something to your reader's imaginations.
Hmm. Good point. I'll try and simplify that paragraph.
"How'd you like that, you big, bad boy?" Mercury mocked
coldly, her eyes unforgiving.
Not giving the wretched overly hormonal boy a
"Overly-hormonal", methinks. And put a comma after "wretched".
BTW, is that really needed? It feels as if the narrator is talking to
the reader directly, and doing his very best to make him hate the boy.
Already omitted. I really need to rein in my narrator skills. ^^;
into the incoming Futotteiru's gut as he had tried to
AMI: Your parents hate you, ne?
FUTOTTEIRU: As a matter of fact, yes, they do. Why?
AMI: *rolls eyes*
Point being? Sorry, I don't quite get this joke. ^^;
ambush her from behind, forcing him to grasp to his
belly with his air forced out of his lungs.
"I haven't forgotten you either," Mercury replied
...you, either,"
"Replied" to what?
That should have been "said."
The senshi turned around to face Futotteiru,
having slapped the name on him to describe his
deceptively plump body. Despite having more muscles
than fat, he was obviously out of shape, with more skin
sagging out in places that no gymnast would have dared
to exhibit in public.
Their groins? :-p
Weelll... I didn't have much imagination to give to them.
Why bother, since they'd be dead pretty soon anyway? :P
face and twisted her body around a bit, painting
herself as a comical pose of a scaredy girl, as she
Typo: scared
Unless it's a colloquial term I don't know.
Thought I could use the term "scaredy," but I guess it
was a bad idea. Scared.
taunted the angry boy. "Can't you handle even a
thirteen year-old girl like me?"
BTW, I think you never told us how old the boys were. As they blamed Ami
for "always showing off [she's] smart", I assumed they were from her
shool, maybe classmates.
You assumed correctly that they were from Ami's school. I
didn't think it was important to mention their ages, and I
doubt that Ami would have been concerned about their ages,
with being abused and all. ^_^
I'll see what I can do to make Ami's abusers' identities
bit clearer.
When she didn't encounter any, she straightened to
her fullest height, feeling more rejuvenated than she
had ever in her entire life. Training her gaze on the
quivering and moaning mass of boys, she pinned them
with the coldest stare she could muster. If looks could
kill, they would have been frozen in an instant. Her
And if loooks COULDN'T kill, she would have to find another way.
happen again. And I'll see to it that you won't raise
your fingers against helpless girls ever again."
Her eyes sized up the quivering boys and grinned
I don't think an eye can grin... ^_^
Right, unless they're one of those contact lenses with Smiley
faces on them. (SCARY things these are...)
...and she grinned...
Ah, much better... :)
The senshi simply laughed as she bounced off the
roof of the car, patting Artemis's head. "Don't worry,
Um, where's Artemis at the moment?
Ah, good point. Mercury's supposed to be holding Artemis in
her arms like a baby.
BTW, I'm not sure if it's supposed to be "Artemis'" or
"Artemis's."
I can see it!"
A semicolon instead of a comma after "worry", perhaps?
I think you're right. Semicolon.
"This is incredible! I mean, this should be technically
impossible - this jump alone," Mercury noted as she
Um, I don't think the dash belongs here. A period?
I thought it'd fit in, but I guess not. A peroid.
"I'll explain, just please STOP RUNNING!" replied
a frazzled cat.
...the frazzled cat. (as Artemis is the only cat there)
BTW, is "frazzled" the adjecctive you wanted?
Now that you've pointed it out, I don't think so. I'll
have to replace that one with more appropriate one...
come from in awe. "Unbelievable! I've covered nearly
five kilometers in less than three times as many
minutes! That's strange, considering the amount of
...strange.
or
...strange:
I'll go for the former. Thanks.
almost two thousand trying to scientifically prove the
"...two thousands years..." right?
Oh, my! How'd that word get away from me? :)
<SNIP>
<CLIC! ...I MEAN, SNIP!>
Yes, I know it's quite LONG fic to C&C... ^_^
shirt. She recognized that particular shirt, and knew
of only one person who wore it.
Hoping against fear, she instantly jumped down and
Hoping against fear?
Yes. She's _afraid_ that this person could be her sister, but
she's hoping that it won't be the case.
sprinted across the bodies until she came before the
familiar shirt. She reluctantly turned over the girl
and gasped in shock, even as her blood turned into ice
as she recognized the unconscious girl. It would be the
sight that would haunt her for the rest of her life.
Despite the fact that the girl's skin tone had
unhealthy blue tone, indicating lack of oxygen to skin
cells, she recognized her. It would be the sight that
would haunt Mercury for the rest of her life.
Um, you have an indentical sentence at the end of the previous
paragraph.
Oops. Overlooked that fact while reworking on it after
resurrecting the fic after months of sitting in my drive.
I'm omitting the first sentence.
though she was Sailor Mercury, she was still Ami Mizuno
Um, this is an understatement, especially for SM fans.
Not sure about what you mean here. I'm merely showing the
major difference between a 'cold' Mercury and a 'vulnerable'
Ami Mizuno, despite the fact that they're the same person.
In SM, they're the same person, regardless of their identity.
A honest-to-god monster. Never in her wildest
dreams had she believed that a such creature would have
...that such a creature could have...
Whoops, a left over old habit of placing 'a' _before_
the word 'such' from my old days of bad grammar skills. ^^;
Suddenly, the monster swiveled her head to gaze at
Mercury, its pupil-less green eyes narrowing slightly.
Pupilless?
I'm still not sure if this word should be hyphenated or not.
her time. Rechecking Miami's arm for pulse, she was
quite relieved that it was still steady. What was more,
it had seemed, was that it seemed to be beating
Um, this sounds off. What do you mean by "What was more, it had seemed"?
BTW, you repeated "seemed".
Again, a left-over garbage from the revision of the fic after
I pulled it up to finish it. It's supposed to go like this:
"Moreover so, it seemed to be..." (after a slight rewrite,
of course.)
"..." Mercury blinked as nearly forty-three
I never liked these "...". And it's not really needed.
Okay, it's omitted then.
gallons of water was dumped on her sister, and
...water were dumped on her sister, drenching...
...water were dumped on her sister, drenching the Water Senshi
in the process as well. (Should've been BOTH of them, not
just Miami.)
Well, at least it _has_ worked...
...it _had_ worked...
Many thanks, I had quite hard time trying to find the right
way to phrase this sentence. Wasn't sure if it should be
either 'has' or 'had.'
Mercury stared at her in shock; she didn't
recognize her?! "Miami, don't you recognize me? It's
me, AaaAIOOWW!" She cried out and clasped her gloved
hand over three long and angry red slits across her
Long and angry red slits...? Um... :-p
Okay, I'll remove that 'and angry' bit. :P
"Now that you're okay, I've got to check others
and make they're okay as well so just sit here and
...make sure they're...
Runaway words strikes again... -_-;
no permanent harm to its victims. Given plenty of rest,
they would be as good as new.
Just then, she heard sirens. Her face quickly
contoured into extreme disgust. Hoo, boy here comes the
Typo: contorted
If it wasn't a typo, then you've got the wrong verb.
Blame it on MSWord spellchecker; sometimes it couldn't
give me the word I needed. I _thought_ it was the one I
was looking for...
"That's good. I've got other stuff to do, so do me
a favor and the cops that you smelled some kind of gas
...and tell the...
Whoops! How'd I miss that word there? :)
<SSSSSSSNIP!>
The senshi shook her head to herself and cupped
her face into her hands as she stared at Miami. She had
really wanted to stay and help her sister as much as
she could, but Artemis was right; it was too risky for
her to stay with Miami, even with her disguise spell in
effect. Besides, she had no desire to place her
remaining family relative in danger.
...relatives...
Relative. I mean it; Miami is Ami's last surviving direct-blood
family relative.
"Why don't you start with that monster?"
"That's a Youma."
Mercury came to a stop on the top of a low-rise
apartment building several dozen blocks away from the
incident and released the cat to the ground. "Youma?"
Artemis nodded. "Yes, youma. They're released by
AMI: A youma? Didn't you say it was a Youma?
ARTEMIS: That's right. A youma.
AMI: Not a Youma?
ARTEMIS: Yes, a Youma!
AMI: Wait, wait, was it a youma or a Youma?
ARTEMIS: A YOUMA!
AMI: Did you have to use all-caps there?
Bwahaha! Cute exchange, but I'll admit that was a mistake
there.
I'm curious; can one _really_ discern how some words are
captialized?
"You _don't_ know where they are?!"
Artemis quickly tried to placate the upset Senshi,
"But I DO know who one of them, or at least a possible
...them is, or...
I'll pick this one.
<SNIPPETY-SNIPPY>
Mercury sucked in air involuntarily and leaned
against a nearby chimney to steady herself. She was
hyperventilating. During his stay with Ami as her
'pet,' he had never seen her react like this. It took
the senshi a long minute to bring her breathing under
control.
Um, you've got me all curious now. WHAT happened? WHAT?!
You'll have to wait and find out. Artemis, at this moment,
has no idea what Ami's _really_ gone through. That's bound
to change, though, as the story progresses.
In the end, it took him almost three hours to
track down Ami again. The fact that as Sailor Mercury,
she had an uncanny ability to traverse ten-meter gaps
between buildings in a single leap. She'd easily scale
Um, this sentence makes no sense at all. "The fact that she had an
uncanny ability..." what?
Clearly, I'm missing something here. "...ability did not
help the matters." Or a slight rewrite here.
Ami simply wasn't following his carefully arranged
agenda at all!
Heheh. Great line.
Ami's gotten so interesting lately, hasn't she? ^_^
<SNIP>
You know, I honestly don't think anyone has truly explored
the limits of the Senshi's transformations. That's why I
found it so interesting, especially when Rei's cold had
carried over into her Senshi mode in the original season,
and the burns caused by that purple lady had remained intact
when she reverted to her normal form in SMR.
"Without magic, there is nothing to maintain
preserve your condition, so your body reverts to its
"Mantain" or "preserve". Not both.
D'oh! Wasn't paying attention when I rewrote that sentence
when I revised it after dredging it up after all these
months.
as she used her arms to drag herself towards the maw of
the desolate parking lot with immense effort. "I'm not
going to sit in a place like _this_ and do nothing. I'm
going to sit on that sidewalk over there instead and
wait until someone comes by so I can ask him to call
for some help for me."
She did just that.
Heh. Liked the ending.
Yup, I did as well. Nice to see her being so independent
now, right? I don't think we'll be seeing any of that
submissive Ami any more now. :)
END
--- --- --- --- ---
Phew. I don't think I ever C&Ced something this long before. 40 K was my
record... ^_^
Wow! I guess my fic makes your new record then! (It wasn't easy
task for me, revising the fic with all these mistakes, y'know. :)
For now.
Yay! I enjoyed the ride, y'know?
I'm glad you did! I enjoyed writing it as well; writing
Ami in relatively unexplored premise (at least where Ami
is concerned) has made things very interesting for me.
There's just so many possibilities this premise could lead
to.
CONTINUED IN -
RIPTIDES
Segment II of VII:
COLDNESS - Desire to be Alone
Um, the title is decided. How's the writing going? ^_~
Titles for the rest of the series already have been decided. I
just have to write the whole thing. Segment II's already seen
some progress.
In Segment II, Ami transfers to Juuban, and meets
someone who may turn out to be a friend that she so
desperately needs. And during one of her nightly
missions, Sailor Mercury encounters an unexpected
resistance in form of Sailor Moon.
Um, I _think_ I heard you talk about a Lemon scene at FFIRC. When is
THAT coming? ^_^
Hey, you're not supposed to remember that talk!
But seriously, I haven't decided yet. I'm not sure if it's going
to be merely lime, or lemon. I'll just have to see how things are
going when the story reaches that point.
How will the Senshi resolve their differences?
If Ami can do the things showed in this chapter, AND has mood swings
like these, VERY violently.
Well, you GOT this one right; it's not going to be very pleasant. :)
--- --- ---
Author's notes:
Ah, it's rare indeed when an author doesn't have any notes. ^_~
<SNIP LONG-WINDED NOTES> :-p
Feh, give me a break. I just needed vent some of my concerns. :)
By no means, don't expect to see the normally meek and
reserved Ami Mizuno that you're familiar with
throughout this series.
I kinda guessed that already.
Gee, I wonder how in the world you came to that conclusion? :P
And before anyone complains about Ami's OOCness, she
HAS the right to be. The drastic turning point of Ami's
life took place _years_ before Artemis found her.
The details of which, I'm certain, you'll let us all know soon. ^_~
Yes, yes. I'll spill everything in the next chapter... NOT! :)
However, rest assured that I'll reveal some, if not all, of the
major events that happened to her in next two chapters,
particularly segment 3, which I consider to be the turning point
of Riptides series.
The fate of Ami's father is among one of the events revealed...
For those who're interested, here's her ice score:
09 criminals (crippled and/or killed)
01 youma
And that's only the beginning...
I shudder at the thought...
1872 criminals
234 youma
3 Dark Kingdom generals
The scary thing is that this count sounds VERY likely, except
that I don't think Dark Kingdom had THAT much youma to spare in
SM. ^_^
2 senshi
1 Beryl
1 Moon Princess
However... THIS count... scares me. :)
Well, let's recap. Punctuation, I'm afraid, needs work. And you seems to
It's just that I have tendency to continue dialogue into
non-dialogue sentences. Like "I'm going home," he said. I'm
sure that it's probably a bad punctuation skill, but they seemed
okay to me.
have a problem placing "a"s and "the"s--minor mistakes, all right, but
repeated throughout the story. Dialogue was really good--some of the
Again, my biggest grammar weakness, the determiners. >_<
Ami/Artemis interaction was simply priceless. The prose flows smoothly,
and I couldn't see any major grammatical errors. Thie, together with the
flawless formatting, made reading a very relaxing exercise--something
I've come to appreciate lately, especially when C&Cing.
Me too. More than anything, I hate poorly formatted fics when
it comes to C&C OR reading. Authors reading this: It's ALWAYS
good idea to format your fanfics properly. You'll have greater
odds of getting C&C on your fanfics.
One of the things that surprised me the most was Ami's usage of her
magic powers. The control over her magic attacks displayed in this first
chapter makes me wonder what new moves Ami might come up with, or at
least new ways to employ the old ones. A very refreshing change from the
usual Ami, who relied on fogs and mists for the first season, IIRC.
I've been always a firm believer that Senshi've _already_ had
high degree of control and mastery over their powers. They just
have to break out of their mindset to develop new abilities.
So, if there's anyone reading this C&C who haven't read the actual story
yet, please notice the error in your ways before it's too late!
RIPTIDES's first chapter is defenitely a winner.
*blushes* Aw, you shouldn't have... :)
Anyway, thanks a LOT for your C&C! They've been VERY helpful,
lot more than I had hoped for. The revised version should be coming
out in few hours, along with the announcement of the website
for the series.
Again, many thanks!
That's all for now. See you soon!
Latin_D
DA/R
Dark Alpha -- AlphSailor@aol.com
G3 Fanfic Studio
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Bay/7233/