rgorman@telusplanet.net (David Johnston) wrote:
Actually, of course, the bat-shaped being had already
forgotten the encounter. He had more important things
to think about. This time nothing would stop
him. All he had to do was find and claim his prize.
"De letter I got zaid I may already have won a meelion dollars! BLAH!
AH! AH!"
Suggest putting some sort of scene break marker between this and the
next bit; an extra skipped line, if nothing else. The unmarked
transition really took me off-guard.
"Ranmaaaa..." The low pitched voice had an ominous
low-pitched
Akira, on the other hand, hadn't been sleeping at all well,
There was nothing like knowing that his demented ex-girlfriend
might be sneaking into the house to maim his fiancee, or crawl
into his bed to ensure that any small sound would bring him wide
awake.
AKIRA: So let me get this straight... Kodachi is crawling into my bed
because she wants to make sure that small sounds will wake me up?
KODACHI: Of course not.
AKIRA: Yeah.
KODACHI: In bed together, we'd be doing anything *but* sleeping.
AKIRA: *ahem* Check, please!
Seriously, suggest you re-word that sentence. Put a comma after 'bed.'
if nothing else.
After school, the ribbon was still giving Ranma fits. The methods for
using it effectively ran counter to her training and instincts.
This is rather vague. Can you describe what's going wrong specifically
enough that we can picture it?
"Famous last words, Ace. My battery's running low, so I'll see you
later" Nikkei sauntered out the door and into
Suggest: into... or into-- (as is, it looks like you just forgot to
finish the sentence)
Looks good so far. I like the characterization of Nodoka and Tatchi, and
the gender-reversed characters are different enough but not too
different from the originals.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html