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----- Original Message -----
From: Matthew Johnston <caravan@cafe-pierrot.net>
To: 'Hans Holm' <hansholm@bredband.net>; <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 28, 2000 7:26 PM
Subject: RE: [FFML] (fanfic)(Ranma) Here We Go Again
I suppose I can't avoid asking for C & C.
It's unavoidable, but a good thing.
This has been spell-checked for British English, so some of the
spelling errors are actually spelled correctly.
I'll be sure not to make too many off-colour comments about it. ^^
It probably doesn't help that what I actually speak/write is
Trans-Atlantic (mix of American and British).
First a short explanation for those who didn't get through Night
Thoughts:
This story takes place several years after the end of the manga -
Lin
Lin and Ran Ran are sixteen and has been relocated to Nerima (and
Furinkan) while most of the original cast are away at various
universities and colleges.
This is exactly what I like in a Ranma story: no Ranma. ^_^
Usually I skip Ranma stories of all kinds, sending them directly to
the trash via a mail filter. This is how I missed Night Thoughts.
However, I got this at work, which has no mail filters set up, and I
remembered your name, and that you sent me a little C&C, so I
thought I'd respond in kind. Gotta love karma.
I want to say now, before I nit-pick a couple grammatical things
(like I should correct, given my recent descent in technical
quality), that I really like this story, and this genre in general.
Alt-character Ranma stories always get me interested because it
lacks the elements that really tick me off about Ranma fics: the
geeky, continuity mongering, anal-retentive Ranma writer. I cannot
say enough bad things about those writers; they are in my opinion
retrograde to all the good things about the creative spirit that
inhabits most writing. And they smell funny.
Technically speaking this is a continuation, with the possibility of
becoming a crossover. But continuations, especially those focusing
on others than Ranma, should be pretty safe from too much
continuity mongering too. Also, I feel that people seem to focus a
little too much on Ranma (well, he IS the main character) instead
of taking the opportunity to harrass the other characters. (I'll not
repeat my complaints about Ranma-is-a-father stories.)
Usually, alt-style fics mean the author has at least a modicum of
open-mindedness when writing the story. This story isn't as wild
and out there as some alt-fics, which is also good. The mythology
of the universe is intact, but the main characters don't loom too
large in the background. Also, two minor characters get to play the
spotlight for a little while, which also presses my happy button.
Now, that said, I didn't like one thing: how quickly and readily the
characters slipped into the previous character set's roles. Not
only that, but I didn't particularly like how ready they were to
admit it (Ran Ran's Nabiki remark left me thinking, "man, you could
do so much more").
It still remains to be seen if Ran Ran can actually be Nabikish(?).
Nabikiesque?
Hopefully, they will be a little less like their predecessors eventually.
You can make the characters reference back to
the old days in their actions (the argument between Lin Lin and
Kazumi were good, and the fact alone that Ran Ran had a bet against
her sister wasn't bad either), but the shift backwards into retread
was just a little too prominent.
Yes
But, that was the only thing I didn't thoroughly enjoy about this
chapter. It was short, sweet, both in the cliched term, and in the
way it made me smile even after four hours of sleep and a ton of
work. The story has a positive attitude to it that I really
enjoyed. I dunno why, but there's just something there that
captures the brightly-colored Ranma-verse, which is always nice to
see in a different way.
(BLUSH) WOW! Thank you.
Now, to pick itty bitty nits. I'm gonna miss a bunch because I'm
tired and at work, but you shouldn't have many problems getting
technical C&C because this is, after all, a Ranma fic.
Prologue
Lin Lin was pondering the injustice of it all. Ever since she and
Ran
Ran had been relocated, not entirely unwilling, to Japan she had
developed a habit of making lists and was currently listing all
the
injustices she was subjected to. Number one on the list at that
"she was subjected to" should be "she had been subjected to" since
you have a had been previously in the sentence.
Probably.
bed. Ryoga was married to Akari and the "okonomiyaki-guy" was
still a girl. The list went on and on. If Lin Lin had known that
the
current crop of eligible martial artists in Nerima had been
virtually
non- existent, she would have stayed in the village even if
you don't need a space after non-
I don't remember there being a space when I wrote it.
this meant
the perpetual risk of losing to someone from the Musk dynasty and
daily exposure to Feng Feng. Feng Feng had been OK when they were
kids, but since puberty he had been increasingly...trying,
much like a
second-rate Mousse without the latter's good points (like martial
arts
skill and chasing someone other than Lin Lin).
Chapter One
Lin Lin decided she hated Mondays. She particularly hated this
Monday because someone had moved the stairs an inch or two, which
meant another "wear your glasses"-lecture. She had almost
overslept,
don't need the dash after "wear your glasses", just a space. ^^
OK
Ran Ran had hogged the bathroom (as usual) and she was now getting
close to being late for school.
I think in this case it's unavoidable, but you do sometimes fall
into passive voice too much (I myself am a fine purveyor of massive
sections of passive voice, and am a card-carrying member of the
Passive Voice fanclub) -- it's fine most of the time I've read it so
far, but you may be running the risk of making thins more
complicated-sounding than they need be.
Yes. That is a problem, but this is the style that pretty much comes
natural to me.
A few blocks away from Nekohanten, she was stopped by a nervous-
looking garbage man carrying a paper bag.
"E-excuse me, m-miss. Y-you work at the Nekohanten, right? Is this
one of yours?", he asked, showing her the contents of the bag.
I don't believe you need the comma after the quotes there. Just
stick the lowercase "he" after it and call it good.
As far as I can remember, if I begin with someone saying something
there should be a comma after the quotes.
"You didn't defeat me, is that clear?", she stage-whispered once
they
were alone in the hall.
Bwahahaha! Stage-whispered! Too good.
"What are you talking about?"
"Just admit it, OK?"
"Admit what?"
"When I ran into you before. It doesn't count as a defeat."
"What are you talking about?" The exchange had by now passed
normal conversational volume and was approaching shouting.
"YOU DIDN'T DEFEAT ME!!"
"THEN WHY WERE YOU FLAT ON YOUR BACK MOMENTS
AFTER WE MET!!"
At this point they had managed to attract the attention of
most of the
nearby classes who wasted no time in misinterpreting this last
comment.
"...right after they met!?"
"...but I thought Ran Ran was supposed to be the loose one..."
O.o Oh my. I wish I'd thought of this sequence. Very crafty use
of some well-chosen words.
Thank you. Some of the praise for these comments should go to my
pre-reader Chester, currently a slave-labourer for Draconian overlords
from an alternate dimension.
"Don't you have to fight him first?"
"...do you think they're a couple?"
"...oh my, they sound just like Ranma and Akane..."
"Oh gosh, the cute one's are always taken!"
"THAT'S ENOUGH!!", Lin Lin screamed, "I CHALLENGE YOU!
AFTER SCHOOL. THE FOOTBALL FIELD."
"I don't fight girls...", Kazumi started.
The comma thing again.
Yes, yes, yes. It will get worse.
"DON'T THINK YOU CAN TALK YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS!"
Lin Lin aimed a series of kicks at him, most of which he managed
to
dodge.
"I don't...I mean...uh...today is no good. How about tomorrow
instead?"
The last kick sent Kazumi into first a wall and then
unconsciousness.
"You're on. Tomorrow it is."
Back in the classroom, Ran Ran was the only one keeping calm.
"Hey, Ran Ran, Mousse's sister just challenged the new guy to a
duel!"
"What a surprise. 5000 yen says she'll throw the fight."
"Why? And since when did you start taking bets on fights?"
"I told you about that defeated-by-outsider-male rule, didn't I?
There's no way my, uh, Mousse's sister can afford to pass on an
opportunity like this. Since it sounds like she's trying to fill
Akane Tendo's shoes, I'm picking Nabiki's while I still have a
choice."
"Does that mean you'll start dating Matsu-sempai of the kendo
club?"
"No."
The rest of the day was surprisingly calm. Lin Lin and Kazumi
glared
daggers, and other sharp instruments, at each other. Ran Ran tried
to
figure out how to get a betting pool going with the current crop
of
martial artists,
* * * * * *
"You know, sis. You shouldn't give in so easy", Ran Ran told Lin
Lin
on the way home.
This time, the comma needs to be inside the quotes. If there's
other iterations of this problem, they too can be corrected in the
same manner (when you end a line of dialogue with a comma, it needs
to be on the inside).
I simply need to find a text on how to write dialogues (placing of commas,
quotes, punctuation and so on). It's been very long since a wrote a work
of fiction to be read by someone other than me. (Seven years or so until
Night Thoughts).
"What are you talking about?"
"Come on, sis. This "I can't fight you today, how about tomorrow"-
thing. Did you really fall for that?"
You should use single quotes 'like this' to distinguish "I can't
fight you today, how about tomorrow" within a set of quotation
marks.
See the remark above.
And you don't need the hyphen/dash after the term.
"I thought he was going to stay unconscious for the rest of the
day.
And what's all this "sis" stuff, aren't you worried your friends
will
figure it out?"
single quotes around "sis".
"Oh! Great-grandmother, Lin Lin got in a fight with a new student
in
our class. They're having a re-fight tomorrow.", Ran Ran
explained.
"A re-fight? Why?"
"Well, first he knocked Lin Lin down, then..."
"He didn't defeat me, OK? I just ran into him and fell..."
"Flat on your back! The whole school must have heard it."
"It wasn't a real defeat. Besides, I knocked him out later."
"Quiet, children. Somebody defeated Lin Lin, correct?"
"NO! HE DIDN'T DEFEA..." WHACK!!
"OK, somebody had an inconclusive fight with Lin Lin and there'll
be
a re-fight tomorrow."
"It wasn't inconclusive. I knocked him out."
"Then why the re-fight? Who is it you're fighting, anyway?"
"Because she'll never get a boyfriend, unless she tricks someone
into fighting her."
"He's Doctor Tofu's cousin. Kazumi Ono. He just moved here."
Try changing the period after Tofu's cousin to a comma.
OK
* * * * * *
"So, how was your first day at your new school", Mrs Ono (AKA
Kasumi) asked.
I have a pet peeve with breaking the fourth wall in the "aka"
manner. I'd prefer it if you just said Kasumi Tendo-Ono or Kasumi
Ono or have Kazumi use Kasumi's name in a sentence or something.
Temporary mental breakdown.
Kasumi Ono would probably have worked as good or better.
The fourth wall may be broken again further on.
Just warning you.
"Great.", Kazumi muttered, "first this crazy Chinese girl
runs into me
and makes me late, then she picks a fight with me and knocks me
out.
Then she wants a re-fight tomorrow."
"Oh my. She must really like you then."
Kazumi facefaulted. "What are you talking about?"
Facefaulted: to me this is laziness. There's gotta be some way to
descripe a facefault without resorting to the cliche term.
Yes, but I don't know it.
"She's a Chinese Amazon. They have this rule that say that if
they are
defeated by a male outsider they have to marry him. So if she
wants a
re-fight then she must want to give you another chance to defeat
her."
"Or maybe she's just a violent maniac, who wants to beat me up.",
Kazumi muttered. <She was kind of cute, though.>
"Well, you just let her beat you tomorrow and she'll leave you
alone."
"You mean I should lose on purpose. To a girl!"
"As far as I can tell you have between to choose between getting
have between to choose? But Master Yoda, you can't die!
I think you should just go with "have to choose between", and call
it done.
the first between shouldn't have been there.
beaten by a girl, who's already beaten you once or getting a
violent
maniac for a girlfriend. Think it over."
Pondering this dilemma interfered with Kazumi's sleep, but his
cousin's kids didn't help matters, either. Since the re-fight
wasn't until
the afternoon, Ran Ran really outdid herself with the
snoring, just for
the hell of it. Things had been pretty dull recently, anyway.
This last paragraph seems to connect two events that are happening
in two different places (I almost thought Kazumi and Ran Ran were in
the same room). It isn't too confusing, but you may want to
consider keeping events like that more separate in the future...
just to please me. ^^;
Yes but I felt they were to short to be paragraphs of their own.
I could probably need more pre-readers.
For both fics.
I'm not terribly reliable, but I would like to help with this
storyline, if you like.
Hans Holm
Thanks again; this was a fun read.
--Matt