HI,
My comments@@
Everything IMO ONLY.
Take what you find useful and ignore
the rest. (delete buttons are SO useful)
-<SNIP>
Disclaimer: I don't own them, and a couple sources I
wouldn't want to own.
@@ IMO it's better to give proper credit
to the original author, if for no other reason
than to show respect to the original creator(s).
Ranma's Bane
Chapter 7: New Faces
Since the sounds of battle were not accompanied by
screams, Ranma and Kasumi assumed that whoever was
involved was holding their own in for the moment.
With that in mind, they held back from engaging the
group of Hounds.
@@Nice opening.
It took a few minutes for Ranma to catch a glimpse
of the person fighting. When she did it came as a
surprise. There was a woman in the middle of the
group, apparently a normal human, unarmed except for
an odd staff. The staff was made of some silvery
metal, topped by a large, dark gem. As it swung
around, Ranma could also see a collection of small
blades on the opposite end.
@@minor nit:
You _might_ make a slight change::
There was a woman in the middle of the
group, apparently a normal human, unarmed except for
an odd staff-- made of some silvery
metal, topped by a large, dark gem.
<SNIP>
"I've seen enough," Ranma said at last. "Let's get
rrready to rrrumble."
@@Ranma's in the WWF?
They waded though the discarded metal parts, the
pieces of Hounds and their armor. A pair of sai
appeared in Kasumi's hands while Ranma reached into
her pack and pulled out a pair of swords made from a
black metal that cuts through anything.
@@Description is a bit bland. Odd tense change
in the middle with "cuts".
<SNIP>
Ranma almost wished that the Hound Masters did not
have helmets, so that he could see the expression
one's face when Kasumi appeared in a ripple behind
it. Kasumi's sai crossed like a pair of scissors,
removing the Hound's head from it's shoulders.
@@Hmmm, I'm not an expert by any means.
However, to the best of my limited knowledge,
the "sai" is a thrusting weapon. In Okinawa the story
goes that they were carries in threes, with one
hidden behind the back to replace one that
was thrown. If it hit, fight over. If it missed, it
might provide enough distraction to close and finish
the fight.
But, as far as I know it's a "thrusting" weapon only.
And, they're not attached, so a "scissor" motion
would be difficult. It seems more likely she'd bring
the
"blades" _apart_, rather than together like a
scissors.
You might want to clarify this, one way or the other.
Indicate that these particular "sai" do indeed have
a cutting edge, change them to something else (folding
Katars are nice. Thick cutting center blade, slender
blades
that unfold from the hilt on either side of the main
blade in a V
shape. The V blades give the disarm option of a "sai"
and the
grip gives incredible levarage.
(the Katar is held in the fist in a "motorcycle" grip"
with
extensions extending up the forearm) this also
provides
some protection against other edged weapons.
With THIS you could do some "scissoring" Although,
again, you'd probably pull the blades apart, rather
than pushing together.
Ranma launched herself at the other two as Kasumi
said a quick prayer over the dead creature, the
color of her eyes a dark blue. Ranma never asked
what she said in those prayers, or why she said
them. She respected Kasumi's privacy, and her
reasons.
@@Nice.
<SNIP>
"Who are you?" the woman asked.
Ranma couldn't help but laugh. "We save you frrrom a
bunch of Hounds and not even a thank you?"
A slight smile graced her lips. "Very well, thank
you for your assistance. Now who are you?"
@@Nice.
This time even Kasumi giggled a little. "My name is
Rrranma," Ranma answered, "and this is Kasumi."
"You can call me Susan. What are you?"
@@ But you can call me . . .Tim.
(sorry, reminded me too much of
an old Monty Python sketch) IMO
"Susan" just lacks a certain something
in terms of Swashbuckling or Sword & Sorcery.
<SNIP>
<SNIP>
Susan smiled. "I know one of you got a reading on me
earlier. It's only fair that I did the same to
you."
@@Hmmm, this "introduction" seems
just a little too smooth and contrived.
Especially since Susan has only been dealing
with the "Hounds" for about two weeks.
Not enough time, IMO, to get quite
this comfortable and blase about the whole
thing. They're ALL showing about as much emotion
as if they had just stopped by to borrow a cup
of Miso. There's no sense that any of them
were in danger, were ever afraid or even broke
a sweat. Some nice descriptions and decent dialogue.
It's good technically, but there's no "edge", no
dynamic tension, no emotion. It's . . .
"Ho hum, killed another dozen hell hounds. I could do
with
a spot of tea and some digestive biscuits."
"Uh..." Ranma was understandable nervous. The first
time the two of them had encountered a psychic, the
man had sensed an aura of extreme darkness and had
attacked them on sight. "And what did you see?"
"Some high energy levels, I guess that explains your
transformations. Aside from that, you looked
normal, trustworthy."
Kasumi and Ranma exchanged a glance. Either the
woman was lying, or something strange was going on.
"What about your powers?" Kasumi asked.
"What about them? Asking me to describe how I have
them or what it's like to use them would be like
asking me what it's like to breathe."
@@Again, too easy, too bland.
I can't speak for "Susan", but I
can tell you that when I was an EMT,
two weeks into the job was NOT enough
time to get jaded. I'd _think_ that acquiring mystic
powers and running from demonic killers would
take at LEAST that long to get used to. ^_*
As for R & K? They act like it's a walk in the park.
No blood, no fear, didn't even muss their hair.
Some good stuff but I'm not getting any "feel",
nothing
of their emotions. It might be that they don't feel
fear.
But the fearless super-hero lacks a certain empathy.
"<SNIP>
<SNIP>
"So where do we go from here?" Susan asked.
Ranma looked up from his breakfast. "We're heading
to America. Chicago to be exact. Do you know the
language?"
@@With a name like Susan?
<SNIP>
End chapter 7.
@@Overall::C+ to B-
Dialogue heavy and little or no
dynamic tension. I'm not really
sensing any emotion. Just a steady
move from point A to point B with
no conflict. It's all too easy, too bland.
I really don't care about any of the
characters because they don't seem to
care about anything.
I think it's got possibilities, but
needs more attention to the emotions
of the characters. Let the reader FEEL
the characters fear, fatigue, bewilderment.
Don't just have a character TELL the reader
he/she/it hates someone. Make the reader
FEEL the hate. Or love, or fear, etc.
I hope this helps.
AND remember, this is YOUR story.
IF I've said anything that you find useful, great.
If not, just hit delete and forget all about it.
YOU should write the story YOU want to write, the
way you want to write it.
Good luck.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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