Allyn Yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:
"You ought to put something on that bruise." Akane
bruise,"
said briefly, glancing at San Pu's attempt to print a map of
Shan
"Listen you," Ukou flushed angrily, making the bruises
"Listen, you."
stand out in horrid contrast. "I know you did something to my
Ran-chan. Ranma honey wouldn't have cut class unless you
did something to him!"
Actually, in "Beat Up the Principal" Ukyo and Akane caught Ranma cutting class
with Hinako; so if Ukyo really thinks this, her memory's being rather selective.
(Which is certainly possible, considering who we're talking about.)
"_Your_ Ranma-honey" Akane continued, "would cut
Ranma-honey,"
class if the sky turned blue or someone told him rain was
wet." Akane's mouth twisted slightly. "You don't know him at
[Cut to classroom scene]
RANMA: Rain is *wet?!?* Whoa! This I gotta go see! 'Scuse me, teach!
HINAKO: Hey!
"Why you----"
"Why,
Recovering somewhat from her initial surge of anger Ukyou
anger, Ukyou
took a more solid stance before starting her attack."Don't you
Need a space: attack. "Don't
Green fire crawled across her skin, burrowing deep,
like an unseen army of insects, pricking her with thousands of
tiny bites that drove her mad.
I like most of the description here, but "drove her mad" seems rather vague.
"Then take it out of _Genma's_ hide." Akane snapped,
hide,"
Yes, it's another "dump on Genma" scene. :(
"Would you cut that out before you hurt someone!"
Akane did a split that dropped her below a double handed cut,
then rolled out of the way of a reverse spear strike."Ahhhh,"
^^
Missing space.
Something snapped."That's really nice of you!" Akane
^^
And again here.
felt as if the pain had exploded her brains out the top of her
skull, leaving it empty and cold. Her fist moved in a blur, and
Ukyou was left staring stupidly at the headless shaft of her
battle spatula. "But you see . . ." Akane got slowly to her feet,
"I _want_ to hurt you."
Suggest: "_I_ want to hurt _you._" (this emphasis would seem to make more sense)
"I could kill you . . ." Akane _lifted_ the taller girl free
of the ground, holding her at arm's length until her toes
dangled inches above the path. ". . . but I'm not." Ukyou had a
UKYO: You're not what?
Suggest: "... but I won't."
"You must have thought the 'Tunnel of Lost Love' was
pretty funny?" Akane asked. "And when I was possessed by
that Demon Doll?"
Um, Ukyo wasn't there for the doll story. Perhaps a reference to "Secret Sauce"
instead, or to Ukyo and Kodachi attacking Ranma to steal (what they thought was)
the engagement ring he was going to give to Akane.
"please . . ."the word came faintly from Ukyou's lips.
^^
Spacing, and capitalize "The."
"You're disgusting,"Akane spat in Ukyou's face. "Ten
^^
Spacing.
years looking for vengeance and you give it up the first time he
says you're cute? You're not samurai. You're nothing but a
whore."
UKYO: That's a lie! Not true at all! He had to say it TWICE!
"You're not samurai." she repeated. "Samurai don't
samurai,"
give up. Samurai don't . . . don't . . ." Akane's entire body
KUNO: [glomps Akane from behind] Oh, Akane Tendo! Finally, you appreciate the
glorious persistence which is the true virtue of the noble warrior!
AKANE: AAAAA! [punts him away]
shuddered, as if fighting an invisible current.
*You are Samurai.* She heard her mother say. *The
Samurai,* she
*You are Samurai.* Again and again she'd heard that
from her father. *You are Samurai. You must always protect
the weak.*
SOUN: And if you happen to meet an old perverted martial arts master, you must
always fight against him and never, ever bow down to... why are you looking at
me like that?
A tiny frown creased Kasumi's smooth brow
indicating, for her, a severe disturbance of her normally placid
nature. "Please come down to dinner." she asked again. "I've
dinner," she
"Yeah sis," Nabiki slipped up beside her older sister.
"Yeah, sis."
"You haven't been to class in four days. You haven't been
downstairs except to use the furo in three. You could at least
let us see you at dinner." She narrowed her eyes, as if trying to
see through the door. "If you come down, I'll let you borrow
my new dress." she wheedled. Kasumi smiled slightly at her,
dress,"
and Nibiki squirmed under "the" look. "well, _your_ new
Nabiki ^_^
"Well, (caps)
dress, "she admitted reluctantly. "But I had it cleaned."
dress," she (spacing)
Heh.
There was a thumping noise behind her and Kasumi
looked around to see her father and Uncle Genma pressed in
close behind Nabiki. At the top of the stairs, hanging behind
the others, stood an uncharacteristically chastened looking
chastened-looking
Ranma.
"Ranma is worried about you." Kasumi added before
you,"
"Alright," Kasumi said softly. "but if you are not
softly. "But
or
softly, "but
feeling better by tomorrow you are going to see Dr. Tofu. I'll
just leave a tray outside your door." Placing her burden on the
floor Kasumi turned and left, followed by Nabiki, Souun,
floor, Kasumi
Panting a bit, Akane mopped her brow with the edge of
her blanket. This next part was going to be tricky. Fixing her
gaze on the tray she concentrated, streamers of green fire
flowed from her finger-tips to surround the tray.
Run-on sentence.
Setting the tray and juice on the floor she quickly
floor, she (and fix the indentation)
"Oh-- No--You-- DON'T!" She snarled, glaring over
her shoulder at the icon. Straining she forced her hand, finger
Straining, she
"Two. . ." Frowning she saw in the mirror that her
Frowning, she
Shifting slightly until she was properly positioned
positioned,
Akane found herself skittering like a spider across a
sky the colour of clotted blood--following the faint traces of
her prey. Without pausing, without a thought of what she was
doing, she followed the trail into a roiling thunder head that
towered hundreds of miles into the sky. A bolt of lightning,
wider than the Sea of Japan, blasted a hole through the
blackness, vanishing into the depths below. Lightning was near
kin, and bothered her no more than the city sized tornados
city-sized tornadoes (I think)
Moving swiftly through the storm she gained on her
storm, she
prey. She could taste it's fear on the magnetic winds, delicious
its
tangles of pain and terror in the complex web of radiation that
swept the ammonia skies of the gas giant. Extending her senses
senses,
she watched her prey, exhausted and desperate, seek sanctuary
inside a vortex of plasma erupting from the planets center, half
planet's
a million miles below the cloud cover. Faintly amused she
amused, she
Hiding her presence she slipped through the storm like
presence, she
Panting, shivering ,the cloud creature huddled inside
shivering, the (spacing)
Somewhere in the back of her mind she had a sudden
insight into her sisters mind. She put that though aside for
sister's
thought
KASUMI: Oh, hello, Akane! So you've learned to fly too?
She felt like a bottle of soda that had been shaken hard.
If she didn't let the bubbles out, she would explode. Without
stopping to think about how stupid she was being she launched
herself out of the window. Air rushed past her face as she fell,
then with a lurch she soared upwards and the breath she'd
been holding escaped with an explosive burst. She hadn't been
_really_ sure she would actually be able to fly. Focusing on
the lights of Tokyo she raced across the sky.
Tokyo, she
Hiroshi looked up from where he was discussing the
differences between boys and girls with his new girlfriend. A
charming young lady, refreshingly free of curses, challenges or
magical artifacts.
HIROSHI: Now what was her name again? Tsubaka? Yubasa? Something like that.
Daisuke pondered this as _his_ new girl friend, also
enchantment challenged and martially marginal while still
being possessed of all the right parts in all the right places,
nibbled on his ear.
suggest: 'while still possessing all the right parts' (avoid the passive)
H&D are getting some? Wow, this must be an alt univ. :)
Akane circled Tokyo Tower again, doing a lazy barrel
roll, finishing with an outside loop. She grinned involuntarily
at the stunned look on the face of the single custodial worker
leaving nose prints on the glass of the special observatory,
two hundred fifty meters above the street. Zooming in closer
closer,
She felt too good to let a little thing like that upset her
for long. Turning away she spiraled up around the tower, past
^^
away, she (and fix the spacing)
Streaking through the night she left a trail of emerald
night, she
Akane had just decided that it was going to be harder
to catch the clouds than she first thought when the green halo
than she had first
surrounding her flickered. Alarmed she jerked her attention
Alarmed, she
There! A darker patch among the city lights. A park. A
flat-place to land. Maybe even water to cushion her fall. She'd
flat place
Until the flame was snuffed ----- like a candle in a
typhoon, as the last of her self induced rage was consumed.
self-induced
I liked the chapter; the Akane-flying scene was particularly well done; plenty
of detail and her reactions were very believable, though I could have done
without the scientific explanations inserted by the narrator. I'm not sure if I
have a sense of where the story is going overall; presumably it'll be Akane
struggling to master her new power without being mastered by it, but it'd be
nice to have more of an idea of what her main obstacles are likely to be.
Looking forward to the next one....
Gary