My comments@@
Everything In My Opinion ONLY.
Take what you find useful, delete the rest.
(sorry it's so late. Still working my way through
my e-mail)
Before I get started, let me try to clarify a few
things. Comments and Criticism (C&C)
I read a story, then I tell the author what I liked,
and why; what I did NOT like, and why. Basically
I'm telling her/him how to write the story I want to
read.
This is VERY subjective.
Let me give an example:
Let us suppose that I'm reading a story, a Sailor Moon
story, and the author of this fanfiction has re-named
Usagi>> Gertrude. IF he/she has also moved the
SM universe to a Nazi-fied modern German, that
might work. (It's been done. don't know if he
ever finished it.)
However, if the author has, for no good
reason that I can see, re-name Usagi >> Bunny
or (gods, Allah to Zeus, forfend) decided to
call Usagi>> Betty and named the rest of the
Senshi after the spice girls . . .I'm likely to wince.
This does NOT mean that Usagi should never
be called Betty. NOR does it mean that I am the
final authority on how to write. That's just what I
think.
If something I say during C&C makes sense, make use
of it. Otherwise, just hit the delete key.
{I've run into a wee bit ^�o trouble lately with some
authors who have taken my C&C personally. Or it
could just be that I don't communicate very well. }
Now . . .the C&Cing . . .
From:
"Greg Housley" <coldmatrix@hotmail.com> |
Block address
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
Subject:
[FFML] [Ranma]Treasure Hunter 1 rev.
Date:
<SNIP> overly long intro.
Good information but, IMO, better that most of it go
at the end. ^+^
_____________________________________________________________________________________
<SNIP>
TREASURE HUNTER: Chapter 1
A RANMA 1/2 FAN-FIC
BY:GREG HOUSLEY
(Disclaimer)- Ranma 1/2 with all of it's characters
and situations
belong to
Ms. Rumiko Takahashi. I take no claim over the rights
to her work and
have
written this fic purely in fun.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- -
Kasumi entered the den with her usual bright
countenance carrying a
small
stack of papers. She glanced about the room at the
several oblivious
members, engaged in their own individual activities.
Nabiki and Akane
were
busy staring blankly at the TV watching their daily
soap opera while
Soun
and Genma were busy arguing over where the missing
shogi pieces were
disappearing off to. Ranma had engaged himself in a
small work out just
outside the door. Kasumi glanced back down at the
papers she had in her
hand
and looked back up. "Nabiki." She addressed
@@Hmmm . . .slow and awkward. This doesn't grab
the readers attention. One of the problems with
fanfiction
is that you're dealing with established characters and
situations. You're showing us stuff we've already
seen.
Awkward phrasing in places.
for instance, don't need "She addressed" at the end.
(Missing a period (.) ) ^_^ <Yeah> I got to do a
punctuation
correction. The world will now end. (this is probably
the ONLY time
I'll ever get that right)
It's HARD to do something completely original
right off the bat, sometimes impossible. I don't know
where you're going with this, yet, so I can't make a
specific
suggestions.
Nabiki glanced back at her older sister.
"What's up sis?"
"You have some mail, isn't that nice?" Kasumi
continued. "Ranma?" She
called. Ranma paused from punching at a rope wrapped
post and looked up
through the door. "You have some mail too."
@@I'd start here. Get to Ranma & Nabiki's mail.
"Really? From who?" Ranma asked as he grabbed
for a towel and
proceeded to
enter through the open door.
Kasumi looked down at the envelope. Nabiki
grabbed for hers and looked
it
over.
"IRA" Kasumi answered as Ranma reached for
his.
"Hey so's mine!" Nabiki looked up from her
envelope quizzically.
"Doesn't
that stand for Irish Republican army?" She asked no
one particular.
@@Hmmm, would a Japanese School girl pick up on that
so quickly? I'm not sure how much attention the
Japanese
pay to things like that. For example, can you name the
insurgents in East Timor? (MUCH closer to
Japan that Ireland)
I spend a lot of time on little things like that.
I worry about making it all hang together.
OTOH, other readers don't care at all.
<SNIP>
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Ranma lay in the dark next to Genma panda,
unable to get to sleep.
Whenever
he curled up in a ball his boxers would ride. Whenever
he stretched out
they'd start to creep off. When he turned on his side
his shirt would
begin
to slide up. When he turned on his stomach he had
trouble breathing,
@@Nice description.
and the
one thought that seemed to plague him was what was
that letter all
about. He
had tried to busy himself for the better part of the
day. Not wanting
to
think about the letter anymore. He had seemed
uninterested in front
everybody, sure. But the truth was he was dying to
know more. He hardly
ever
got mail to begin with and certainly not mail that
stated that he had
been
selected for anything. In fact the only mail he ever
seemed to get read
something along the lines of "prepare to die Saotome."
or "Meet me at a
designated time and oh by the way prepare to die
Saotome." or even "If
you
want to see Akane alive meet me at a designated place
at a designated
time.
PS Prepare to die Saotome."
@@LOL VERY funny.
Never anything that read you have been
selected.
He rolled over onto his back and was forced to pull
his boxers back up.
Then
was forced to pull them back down because he had
pulled them too far
up.
Frustration was starting to settle in and Ranma was
beginning to grow
hot.
He tossed the covers off and lay there momentarily
trying to decide if
that
was enough. Deciding it wasn't he also removed his
shirt.
He finally grew still. It wasn't just what he
and Nabiki had read to
the
family that bugged him. It was what they hadn't...
He felt his boxers begin to ride once more and
proceeded to struggle
with
relocating them in a more comfortable spot. Finding
this a more
difficult
task than he felt it should be Ranma finally gave up
and just decided
to get
some air.
He silently stood himself up making a
semi-effort not to wake the
panda,
and slipped out into the hallway. The house as
expected was dark and
absent
of activity. He walked his way over to the stairway
and descended down
into
the den, there he approached the back door and slid it
open. A shadowy
figure sitting on the edge of the porch caught his eye
and he realized
that
it was staring back at him.
"Ranma?" He heard a familiar feminine voice
ask, and he proceeded to
take a
seat next to her.
"Yeah it's me." He confirmed.
"Couldn't sleep either, huh?" Nabiki asked in
a small whisper.
"Yeah." Was all that Ranma said.
"Where's your shirt?"
"I got hot." He looked up at her gaze and
misread it. "Why you want me
to
jump in the pond for you? Need some new photos?
"No." Nabiki answered unconcerned. She let her
chin rest on her knees
as
she pulled them in. "What do you make of the letter?"
She finally
asked.
"You're asking me?" Ranma asked surprised.
"Don't let it go to your head Saotome, I'm
just curious is all." She
responded without looking up.
"I'm not sure." Ranma replied. "I wonder why
it's classified. Why
we're not
supposed to tell anyone what we're doing."
"Who knows." Nabiki answered. "It was specific
enough to instruct us
in
what could be told, and what couldn't be wasn't it?"
"Yeah but I don't see why the fact that it's
dangerous is such a
problem."
Ranma stated.
"Because whatever it is might be illegal."
Nabiki Hypothesized. "After
all
they were cautious enough not to say what the job
really is."
"I suppose." Ranma sighed.
"Did you burn your letter like it said?"
Nabiki asked looking back up
at
him.
"Yeah... I almost didn't though. None of this
makes sense." Nabiki
simply
nodded.
"Ranma lets just get some sleep. We'll have
our answers in the
morning."
Nabiki then got up and headed inside through the back
door. Ranma
watched
after and then proceeded to do the same.
@@Mixed feelings about this. On the one hand,
it's a nice scene. A little rough, but all-in-all
very nice writing. However, it's not
Ranma or Nabiki. Completely OOC.
I can live with that. IMO better choices
would be
1)Original fic
2)Different series
3)work on using characters IN Character
A bigger problem is that they are
not acting very Japanese (I'd suggest
reading Lost Japan by Alex Kerr;
Speed Tribes by Karl Taro Greenwood;
Dictionary of Japan's Cultural Code Words by
Boye Lafayette De Mente)
Further, they're not acting very . . .
sensible. I can see going down and checking
things out. HOWEVER . . .burning the letters?
I just can't accept that. Think about it, if this is
something illegal . . .some sort of scam . . .the
letters are proof or at least a clue.
Now if the letters SELF DESTRUCTED , that
I could believe.
(One simple trick is to impregnate the paper
with an acid solution. The paper breaks down
into ash in about 3-10 days depending on
conditions, type of paper, etc) There are other
tricks. There is a special paper that dissolves
in water. Even the moisture in the air will cause
it to start to break down. You can buy it in most
magic shops.
Little details like that make a lot of
difference, IMO.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The next morning to Ranma's distaste came
early. He was greeted by the
usual faces around the house and groggily marched
himself into the
washroom.
He dropped his boxers to the floor and began to run
the water.
"Ranma?" He heard through the door. It was
Nabiki.
"If you don't get your butt in gear we're
gonna be late."
Ranma shut the water off. "Yeah yeah, be out
in a minute." He said
uncaringly. He jumped into the tub and immediately
jumped out. "It's
freezing!"
@@ I think he'd be sitting on a low stool or bench and
wash
off there. The "tub" is the furo and for soaking, not
washing.
<SNIP>
@@Too many coincidences . . .letter, getting along
with
Nabiki . . .hot water running out. I could accept
one or two, but this is starting to boggle.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
<SNIP>
Nabiki looked up at Ranma-chan with a question
written on her face.
"Hey
what can I say? Akane doesn't know when to keep out of
other peoples
business. Hell she's always tryin to follow me around.
's like she's
obsessed or somethin. I mean geez she's as clueless as
an ox and built
like..." Ranma just barely managed to sidestep a large
mallet as she
felt it
brush past her and into the fence.
"OBSESSED AM I?" Akane shouted.
"Akane! Fancy meeting you here, of all
places!" Ranma-chan gloated
tauntingly.
'Wow.' Nabiki thought dully impressed. 'Ranma
actually did something
smart!'
@@ "mallet" :(
Cliched.
Try something different, like a mail-box,
paving-stone, etc.
I'm still having trouble with the Characterizations.
Why are Ranma and Nabiki so chummy?
Do so if you wish, but, IMO, it needs more development
to be believable.
Good writing otherwise.
<SNIP>
Overall:B?
This was a hard one to C&C.
The characterizations kept getting in the
way of the story-telling.
There were some times when it reminded me
of Get Smart meets Monty Python (esp. toward the end)
and I've got some REAL problems with the entire
Treasure Hunter secret organization recruiting
HS students. However . . .those CAN
be overcome with research. OR, just ignored.
(I pay attention to little things like that.
OTOH Edgar Rice Burroughs
had Tigers in Africa (changed in later
editions) and it didn't stop him
from being a best selling author.)
The INTERNAL logic and characterizations
are giving me a little trouble as I say.
IMO, ditch Ranma/Nabiki and chose
another series or go with an Original fic.
I think you need to do some
research to make the entire Treasure
Hunters bit more believable, but that's just
me. James Bond movies aren't believable
and lots of people love them. ^_*
So, final analysis . . .
I like your writing, hate the story. ^_*
Or, rather, I can't get past
the OOC Ranma/Nabiki, etc.
I've got problems with some
of the logical detail, but with
other characters might give it
a pass.
Hmmm . . .Other series . . .
Sailor Moon?
Usagi/Ten'ou ^_^
Marmalade Boy?
Hana Yori Dango?
(Of course, if THEY were
to OOC, I'd complain too. )^_^
Oh well. It's a good story.
It needs work, IMO, on characterization.
They need to be fleshed out. They're too
wooden, even forgetting about OOC.
But, boy do you do some nice stuff.
There were some spots when I was LOL
or ROTFLOL. And you've got a knack for
detailed description that really pulled me in.
For instance, when Ranma was having trouble
sleeping . . .very nice.
I THINK you inhibited yourself
trying to force Ranma characters into
your story.
I really think you've got something here and
should re-try this as an original. Just to see what
happens.
In any event . . .GOOD writing.
Story has some plot problems. Easy fix.
Characters, a little wooden. Cardboard.
Try just writing the story w/o worrying
about Ranma.
Characterization is difficult so don't worry. It
will come with time. AND a lot of writing and
critical reading.
I think you've got some real talent. Please
keep writing.
Good luck.
(Sorry this was so abbreviated but I've GOT to get
my MBOX cleaned out before it explodes)
^_*
If you REALLY want more detail or
clarification (though you should be heartily
sick of hearing from be about now)
e-mail and I'll see what I can do.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
End chapter one.
Thanks to everyone that read!
(PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, RESPOND!!!)
-Greg
DO NOT REPLY TO THIS ADDRESS
If you reply to this address I won't see it
EMAIL ME: Coldmatrix@hotmail.com or post your comments
on the FFML I'll
see
them there!
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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