Hi,
Once again, many thanks for taking the time
to read and C&C.
Comments on comments @@
--- Gary Kleppe <kleppe@mediaone.net> wrote:
Allyn Yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:
<SNIP>
"Listen, you."
stand out in horrid contrast. "I know you did
something to my
Ran-chan. Ranma honey wouldn't have cut class
unless you
did something to him!"
Actually, in "Beat Up the Principal" Ukyo and Akane
caught Ranma cutting class
with Hinako; so if Ukyo really thinks this, her
memory's being rather selective.
(Which is certainly possible, considering who we're
talking about.)
@@Selective memory. I was particularly thinking
about the Weakness Moxibustion story where
she fantasizes about what a happy life she and
weak-Ranma will lead>> She cooking, Ranma
staying home taking care of the children.
"_Your_ Ranma-honey" Akane continued, "would
cut
Ranma-honey,"
class if the sky turned blue or someone told him
rain was
wet." Akane's mouth twisted slightly. "You don't
know him at
[Cut to classroom scene]
RANMA: Rain is *wet?!?* Whoa! This I gotta go see!
'Scuse me, teach!
@@^_^
Which, IMO, he would do.
HINAKO: Hey!
<SNIP>
Green fire crawled across her skin, burrowing
deep,
like an unseen army of insects, pricking her with
thousands of
tiny bites that drove her mad.
I like most of the description here, but "drove her
mad" seems rather vague.
@@Hmmm . . .you've got me on this one.
I'll work on it and see if I can come up with
something.
I'm open to suggestions. ^_*
<SNIP>
in a blur, and
Ukyou was left staring stupidly at the headless
shaft of her
battle spatula. "But you see . . ." Akane got
slowly to her feet,
"I _want_ to hurt you."
Suggest: "_I_ want to hurt _you._" (this emphasis
would seem to make more sense)
@@One of the problems with ASCII.
No italic.
I was trying to reference Ukyou's
"I don't want to hurt you."
With Akane,
"I _want_ to hurt you."
Oh, well. It sounded good when I typed it. ^_^;;;;
"I could kill you . . ." Akane _lifted_ the
taller girl free
of the ground, holding her at arm's length until
her toes
dangled inches above the path. ". . . but I'm
not." Ukyou had a
UKYO: You're not what?
Suggest: "... but I won't."
@@Good choice. Does make more sense.
"You must have thought the 'Tunnel of Lost
Love' was
pretty funny?" Akane asked. "And when I was
possessed by
that Demon Doll?"
Um, Ukyo wasn't there for the doll story. Perhaps a
reference to "Secret Sauce"
instead, or to Ukyo and Kodachi attacking Ranma to
steal (what they thought was)
the engagement ring he was going to give to Akane.
@@^_^ She was there in the Anime.
(The cursed doll at the Inn. Takes over Akane's body
after Ranma knocks it off the shelf chasing Genma
who has stolen his milk? (At least in the dub. Haven't
seen the sub for that one))
<SNIP>
"You're disgusting,"Akane spat in Ukyou's
face. "Ten
^^
Spacing.
years looking for vengeance and you give it up the
first time he
says you're cute? You're not samurai. You're
nothing but a
whore."
UKYO: That's a lie! Not true at all! He had to say
it TWICE!
@@LOL!!!
"You're not samurai." she repeated. "Samurai
don't
samurai,"
give up. Samurai don't . . . don't . . ." Akane's
entire body
KUNO: [glomps Akane from behind] Oh, Akane Tendo!
Finally, you appreciate the
glorious persistence which is the true virtue of the
noble warrior!
AKANE: AAAAA! [punts him away]
@@LOL
shuddered, as if fighting an invisible current.
*You are Samurai.* She heard her mother say.
*The
Samurai,* she
*You are Samurai.* Again and again she'd
heard that
from her father. *You are Samurai. You must always
protect
the weak.*
SOUN: And if you happen to meet an old perverted
martial arts master, you must
always fight against him and never, ever bow down
to... why are you looking at
me like that?
@@<VBG>
<SNIP>
Lightning was near
kin, and bothered her no more than the city sized
tornados
city-sized tornadoes (I think)
@@Yeah, I think you're right.
<SNIP>
Hiroshi looked up from where he was
discussing the
differences between boys and girls with his new
girlfriend. A
charming young lady, refreshingly free of curses,
challenges or
magical artifacts.
HIROSHI: Now what was her name again? Tsubaka?
Yubasa? Something like that.
@@<VVBG> I can't decide if I'm glad I didn't think
of this myself or not. Because if I had, I might have
used it. ^_*
Daisuke pondered this as _his_ new girl
friend, also
enchantment challenged and martially marginal
while still
being possessed of all the right parts in all the
right places,
nibbled on his ear.
suggest: 'while still possessing all the right
parts' (avoid the passive)
@@I missed this one. Thanks.
H&D are getting some? Wow, this must be an alt univ.
:)
@@<ouch> you are cruel.
<SNIP>
I liked the chapter; the Akane-flying scene was
particularly well done; plenty
of detail and her reactions were very believable,
@@Thanks.
though I could have done
without the scientific explanations inserted by the
narrator.
@@I played with this scene for . . .oh . . .five or
seven days (including
research at the library and on-line) and this was the
best I could come
up with. You should have read some of the earlier
drafts. <groan>
NOT pretty.
(BTW, I've never left a plane at more than 3,500 feet
or so. Akane's
reactions are _partly_ based on my _one_ malfunction,
but mostly
on reading about people who are braver than I am.)
I'm not sure if I
have a sense of where the story is going overall;
presumably it'll be Akane
struggling to master her new power without being
mastered by it, but it'd be
nice to have more of an idea of what her main
obstacles are likely to be.
Looking forward to the next one....
Gary
@@Well, I _think_ things will be clearer with chapter
5
(four just went out) but I'm not sure.
I _thought_ things would be clearer with
Sukeban Senshi chp. 8, but my pre-readers
said no. So obviously I have no idea what's going
on. ^_!
Again, Thank you so very much for taking the
time to C&C. It's a lot of hard work and
I really appreciate it.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Shopping - Thousands of Stores. Millions of Products.
http://shopping.yahoo.com/