Hi,
Comments @@
-- Gary Kleppe <kleppe@mediaone.net> wrote:
Here we go again. Lotsa punctuation stuff ahead; the
rest of you might
want to just skim through and look for the jokes. :)
@@Hey, my punctuation's pretty funny. ^+^
Quick review of how to punctuate quoted dialog,
since that seems to be
the biggest source of trouble. Compare these two
examples:
@@Good examples. Thanks.
I DO try. Really. <sigh>
My wife think's I'm just
a little simple-minded because
I can't do this stuff. (OTOH SHE
doesn't understand how organo-phosphate
pesticides affect neuro-tranmitter/receptors)
<SNIP. Some REALLY concise and clear
examples of punctuation that _should_ be clear even
to me. (And they ARE. I understand it when
someone shows it to me. It's just trying to
SEE it when I'm writing it. ) Oh well, back
to the drawing board.
Allyn Yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:
"Ask Nabiki." Ranma grumbled, wincing as his
split lip
Nabiki," (assuming he's grumbling those words, as
opposed to grumbling
after he says them)
@@Ummm, I'd never thought of that.
Uhhhhh, I _think_ I meant he was grumbling
the words, but he could be grumbling after he
said them.
"Oh, quit being such a baby," Akane couldn't
seem to
baby."
stop grinning. "are you a man or aren't you?"
"Are
RANMA: I *am* a man! I'm just out of sorts because
my period's this
week!
@@LOL
<SNIP>
Normally he was of the opinion there was no
problem
that couldn't be solved by ignoring it. Or better,
letting it
become someone else's problem.
That's selling him pretty short. Ranma quite
frequently tries to solve a
problem once he figures out that he *has* one.
@@Hmmmm . . . yes, I see what you
mean. OTOH, he doesn't "take the bull
by the horns" to solve problems. And I don't
expect him too. It's not a Japanese
trait, for one thing. (at least according
to my _limited_ reading on the subject.)
AND from my, limited again, contact
with Japanese nationals (in this country)
And that's pretty much what
I was using for this bit.
However . . .
Yes, I can see thatRanma DOES try to solve problems,
once he figures out he has a problem
Of course, his "solutions" are sometimes
"counter-productive"? I factored that into
this bit.
On the assumption that Ranma is NOT
stupid, but is, rather a 16-17 year old
Male (which some might consider
synonymous with stupid) who
has had a rather "narrow" upbringing.
I'm of the opinion that Ranma usually
understand that there is a problem, but
not exactly what or how to fix it.
I'm also assuming that Ranma KNOWS
that he doesn't know . . .and therefore
often ignores or pretends to ignore
problems, hoping they'll go away.
{Example:: pretending to be Ranko.
Ranma HAD to know that was a "limited"
fix of his "mother" problem,at best. I think
he just ignored potential pitfalls, hoping the
problem would go away
or solve itself. (which it did, in a way))
<SNIP>
fair to the old guy to temp him with stuff he can't
have."
tempt
HAPPOSAI: That's what I keep telling all these
women! How can they be so
cruel as to wear such lovely undies around me and
not let me fondle
them!
@@LOL.
<SNIP>
"Someone?" Ranma had a bad feeling about this.
Only a
certified psycho would _voluntarily_ visit the old
freak.
AKANE: *I'm* visiting him voluntarily, Ranma.
RANMA: Um... y'know, present company expected.
@@ROTFLOL.
I only wish I could fit this into the story.
"No more chances, old man," the honey smooth
voice
man." The honey-smooth
made the absolute hatred all the more powerful.
"I'm tired of
playing. I'm going to kill you, but if you give me
a new name,
I'll make it quick."
HAPPOSAI: Okay, you're Garter-belt Taro! Hah! And if
you kill me now,
that's your name forever!
@@Oh, OH! STOP! ROTFLOL.
You're killing me.
I'd have to re-write the entire story to
fit this in, but it would almost be worth it.
Ohhhhh, my sides hurt.
<SNIP>
Inhumanly fast, Tarou grabbed her by one
starched
sleeve and flung her against the wall. "Don't
interfere in things
you don't understand."
NURSE: You mean like logarithms?
@@LOL.
I'm not sure why I bother trying to write.
This is MUCH better than the original.
<BG>
Maybe from now on I should just
send you the draft and let you MST it.
<SNIP>
Without pausing Tarou kicked up with his free
leg,
tearing free of Ranma's grip as he flipped in the
air to land
facing his opponents. The hospital guards, having
no idea of
what they were facing, pushed past Ranma, intent on
doing their
duty. Unfortunately this wasn't like the fights
they'd seen in the
movies, or even like their training. Real fights
are fast, brutal
and the first blow to strike home ends the fight
with death or
crippling injury. They didn't understand this, but
Tarou did.
This reads rather like direct author explanation.
Could the point be
made through one of the characters' internal
narrations instead?
@@Excellent point. I tried that. Didn't
really like the result. It too a lot longer
and seemed to slow the action more than
was acceptable.
I went with this only after checking with
some of my favorite writers (David Weber, Micky
Spillane, Laural K. Hamilton, etc) and they use it.
Of course, they're better writers, so I may
have just flubbed it.
<SNIP>
training. Unfortunately Tarou was reading from a
different
book.
PANTYHOSE: See spot. See spot run. See spot beat up
some orderlies.
@@LOL. LOL. LOL <oh help>
<SNIP>
Akane had almost enough time to register
Tarou's
words before he slammed her against the wall with a
powerful
word (it's only one)
@@Yeah, I thought about that one. Tried "word", but
it "sounded" funny, so I kept "words". I'll go back
and
look at it.
<SNIP>
the blow
she took hitting the wall, heading toward the
sounds of a fight,
all the way muttering under her breath,
"bakabakabaka
baka . . ."
NURSE: Note... must note on Ms. Tendo's chart...
patient suffering
from... gratuitous fanfic Japanese... uh. [thud]
@@<BG>
But, I tried "idiot", "stupid", "fool", etc. and
none worked as well as "baka"
And, according to the Japanese girl in the ESL
class my wife teaches, there isn't a good
English equivalent to "baka" (it took her
about a week or two before she could
even hear the word w/o blushing)
I still don't have a good feel for "baka"
but it's GOT to be a good fit for Ranma. ^_^
******************************************************
Tarou Pantyhose was having a surprisingly hard
time of
Isn't it "Pantyhose Tarou?"
@@I'm not sure. I looked on the Internet, but
got confused about what was proper.
I'm certainly willing to change it.
(I went with Ke Lun and Mu Si, even
though every other e-mail is to tell
me I've made a mistake. ^_*)
<SNIP>
"Jian Yao Guai means death," Ke Lun hissed,
her face
twisted in a grimace of fear and loathing.
SHAMPOO: What Great-grandmother talking? Chinese
word for "death" is
"Siwang!"
@@<VVBG> LOL.
<SNIP>
trunk sized thigh. The giant grunted in annoyance
and swatted at
the girl, as if she were a pesky fly. But like a
fly she wasn't
there and the blow was wasted on empty air.
And she's a poet who doesn't know it. (The
accidental rhyme there is a
bit awkward. You even got the meter to match up.
^_^)
@@I had to read that passage six times before I
figured out what you were talking about.
I'll change it.
<SNIP>
her eyes. "for a pervert named after women's
underwear." She
"For
AKANE: o/~ And all the fighters say, he's pretty
fly, for a pan-ty. o/~
@@<BG>
Well, even it no one likes the original,
your C&C is worth the price of admission.
<SNIP>
cameras
"She's . . . green?" Ranma watched wide-eyed
as
Akane darted in and around Tarou, like a sparrow
fighting an
eagle. "Why is she green?"
RANMA: I know! She musta ate her own cooking!
AKANE: What was that, Ranma?
@@<BG> Another one I wished I dared put
into the story. LOL.
<SNIP>
"My sister was never green until _you_ showed
up."
up,"
Nabiki countered with implacable logic.
RANMA: Yeah, well, my hair was never red until this
fanfic thing
started. At least not that anybody could notice. So
there.
@@I'm tempted to do a fanfic on hair-colour.
Hmmmm, maybe I could fit it into
my "Happy Magical-Girl Lesbian's
take over Japan" story. (I just noticed
one day that ALL Magical Girls
in Japan seem to be lesbians. HAPPY
ones, at that. Must be something
in the water.
<SNIP>
"Great-grandmother, what is it?" Shan Pu was
torn
KE LUN: It's a female relative three generations
removed. But that's not
important right now.
@@Must--fight--urge--write-- Leslie----Nielsen
into----plot.
"Great-grandmother, what is wrong?" Shan Pu
had
never seen the ancient Amazon like this before. If
she didn't
know better she would think Ke Lun was afraid.
Isn't Shamps the least bit curious about Akane's
green-ness?
@@Hmmmm . . .I missed that one.
Well just have to assume that she'd
MORE distracted by the thought
of Ke Lun being afraid of something. ^_*
<SNIP>
ground, whirling it one handed like a giant spear.
Tarou
one-handed
"Kill her. Kill Jian Yao Guai!"
RANMA: Us?
COLOGNE: Yes, you. I'd help, but... um, my favotire
soap is on in five
minutes.
@@^_^
<SNIP>
offered an incentive. "Kill it and I give you Shan
Pu to wife."
SHAMPOO: Oh? Then what *I* get?
COLOGNE: You help him, and I give you Mu Si to kill
as well.
SHAMPOO: Okay, that fair.
MOUSSE: At last, an arrangment that will satisfy us
both!
"Truly?" Mu Si squeaked over Shan Pu indignant
protest.
IMO, he ought to have a stronger reaction to this.
At last! The
fulfillment of my life's hopes! Oh, Shan Pu, I'll
make you so happy!
Happy happy joy joy!
@@OH, my ribs. ^_^
actually I DID have stronger reaction from
Mu Si, but decided that it might be
too slap-stick and went for under-stated.
It's an easy fix, I could go back and
"Punch up" his reaction.
<SNIP>
laws of the Amazon nation were confusing and often
contradictory. But, like any predatory pack,
outsiders,
especially fertile females or potent males were
driven off or
killed, lest they pollute the gene pool. Only the
strong could be
You've got some weird blank lines in here. This is
one of them.
@@Did it cut off after "strong could be...."?
It's fine in my copy (on this end.)
It should read::
Somewhat shakily Mu Si nodded. The customs and
laws of the Amazon nation were confusing and often
contradictory. But, like any predatory pack,
outsiders,
especially fertile females or potent males were driven
off or
killed, lest they pollute the gene pool. Only the
strong could be
allowed to breed. So the young boy was prepared, in
theory at
least, to kill an outsider female.
<SNIP>
"Potty mouth." Akane opened her fist and Ke
Lun
dropped in a heap to the ground.
MU: Hey, it's my potty and I'll cry if I want to!
@@<GROAN!!!>
KE LUN: "Forget the Jade Daemon! It's
the Kleppanator-PUN for your life!"
<SNIP>
Still pretty heavy with fight scenes,
@@Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention this
last time. I was _trying_ to do
things in threes (death, life, power)
Ukyou, Shan Pu, Taro in this case.
Three-ness is supposed to be a recurring theme.
but we're
getting into the thick
of the plot now. Lots of interesting possibilities
ahead as the cast's
loyalty to Akane gets put up against the need to
destroy the green
thing.
@@Thank you.
Looking forward to the next part if your hardware
holds out that long :)
@@^_^ There's a Bubblegum Lemon in that line
someplace. But I'm not going to write it.
For those interested (and a few seem to be)
in some of my characters being
distracted by trivialities in the midst
of life and death struggles . . .it's all
based on real life.
For example, Karamojo Bell (Ivory Hunter)
was once tossed by a Rhino. His first
thought, upon getting to his feet, that he'd
torn a nail off his finger and that it hurt
terribly. Then he noticed his native bearers
looking at him in horror. He looked down
ans saw that the Rhino has ALSO ripped
his chest open to the ribs and it looked
like a bloody bag of ground meat. ^_^
Again, thank you VERY much for reading
AND taking the time to comment. It means
a lot. (I also think I hurt myself when I fell
out of my chair laughing. But it was worth it.)
Thanks.
^_O
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
-
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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