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Most of these corrections should have been gotten by your prereader.
[snip]
Chosen
Chapter 3
***Masaki House***
Later that evening at the Masaki^�s house, Tenchi and the others
gathered in the living room. They had just finished diner and
Ranma left to help Grandpa at the shrine.
Ranma had left
Tenchi exited the bathroom and walked over to the couch where
everyone had gathered. Sasami played with Ry-oh-ki while her
older sister, Ryoko, and Mihoshi watched some drama on TV.
This phrasing seems to imply that Ryoko is Sasami's older sister.
Perhaps ...while Ayeka, Ryoko, and... instead?
^�Um^� Washu-chan?^� asked Tenchi, nervously. For some reason, he
always felt uncomfortable around her, especially, especially if
he had to ask her a favor.
You don't need to "especially"s.
^�Yes, Tenchi?^� Washu asked cheerfully.
Tenchi fidgeted with his thumb, ^�Have you been able to find
anything that might help Ranchan?^�
Washu shook her head, ^�I^�m afraid not. There^�s very little
information available on this Junsenko. I^�ve searched the
galactic database and so far, nothing useful.^�
Sounds awkward. Perhaps ...database, and found nothing useful, so far.
Tenchi sighed, ^�Thanks, Washu-chan.^�
^�I don^�t see any problem with him turning into a girl,^� Ryoko
commented. ^�I mean, he does have a great body after all. Much
better than some of the people I know,^� Ryouko grinned.
^�What^�s that supposed to mean, you dry up old mummy?^� Ayeka
shouted.
Ryouko snickered and floated before Ayeka. She turned sideways
and made evident of her body to the Princess. ^�I don^�t know,
Ayeka. Maybe we should find the spring of drown girl for you.^�
Should be "drowned," not "drown." And you probably should have it as
"drowned young girl," not "drowned girl," since they're both already
female, and probably talking about it making them young and pretty.
Ayeka glowed as she stared daggers at the space pirate. ^�Why
you!^� At her command, miniature cylinder blocks appeared and
surrounded her. ^�If anyone needs the spring, it^�s you, you
mummy.^�
^�Ayeka, Ryoko, please!^� Tenchi said sternly, but there were hints
of disappointment in his voice. That stopped the argument cold
and they looked at Tenchi sheepishly. ^�Please, let^�s not fight.
Ranma^�s been through a lot and I don^�t want him to be caught up
in one of your fight.^�
fights.^�
^�Meow, meow,^� Ry-oh-ki agreed.
^�I^�m sorry, Tenchi-sama,^� Ayeka bowed.
^�I^�m sorry, Tenchi-sama.^� Ayeka bowed.
Otherwise, it would mean that she bowed the sentence.
As a better example of the difference in meaning:
"This food is awful," he spat.
This means that he is spitting out the words.
"This food is awful." He spat.
He says the sentence, then spits.
^�I still don^�t see why we have to change because of some cross
dresser,^� Ryoko said, a little miffed.
Sasami and Ry-oh-ki glared at Ryoko, but she ignored them.
^�Ryoko, please. You heard some of the story Ranma told us. He
tired and he came here for help. I^�m not sure what kind of help,
but I^�m going to do whatever I can,^� Tenchi explained.
^�What^�s Ranma-niicha like when he was little?^� ask Sasami.
niichan
^�Heheh, I wished I could remember, Sasami. I mean, we were just
wish
[snip]
^�What^�s wrong, Washu-chan,^� Tenchi asked, bewildered. He didn^�t
like the sound of the tone coming from Washu. Nor did he like
the pleasing look. It was the kind that told you ^�you were in
pleased
trouble^�, or she had a brilliant idea. Unfortunately, some of
her brilliant ideas involved him, lots of needles, wires, and
other gadgets strapped to him. It was something he preferred to
remain a good distance away if possible.
away from, if possible.
[snip]
Ryoko stared blankly at the ceiling from where she floated.
<<Oh, Tenchi. If we could see into your mind, then I^�ll know
exactly what you^�ve been hiding.>> She suddenly hugged herself
as images of certain possibilities floated through her mind.
If you're going to use such nonstandard characters as ^� and ^� for left
and right double quote, you might want to consider using � and � for
left and right angle quote, instead of << and >>. In HTML markup, these
are « and »
Unfortunately, Ayeka had similar thought about Tenchi. However,
her images were more tamed, only by a small margin, than Ryouko.
tame
<<Oh, Tenchi-sama!>>
Tenchi big sweated as the girls started giggling.
big-sweated
This anime visual effect is one word, just as someone falling on their
face is either "facefault" or "face-fault," but not "face fault."
On the other hand, Sasami wanted a chance to see Tenchi in his
childhood. Also, she wanted to see what Ranma was like from
Tenchi point of view. She imagined Tenchi and Ranma happily
Tenchi's
playing.
Ry-oh-ki found herself with Tenchi and Ranma feeding her carrots,
petting her, and scratching behind her ears. ^�Meow,^� she poured.
purred
[snip]
Within a blink of an eye, Tenchi disappeared from the room.
Shouldn't this be "seemed to disappear?" That would imply that he has
in fact left, when he's actually hiding under the couch.
[snip]
Confusion turned to understanding as Ryoko and Ayeka faced each
other and shouted in unison, ^�LOOK WHAT YOU DID!^� ^�ME?^� ^�HOW DARE
YOU?^� ^�YOU SCARED HIM AWAY^� ^�WHY YOU!^� Lightening flashed
between them. Then both ^�hmpfh^� and turned in opposite
directions.
Tense confusion. Either "hmph" and "turn" (which is wrong for this
situation) or "hmphed" and "turned".
Also, you might be interested to know that "humph" is in my
spell-checker's dictionary, but hmpfh and hmph aren't?
The other relaxed that they didn^�t resort to anything else.
The others relaxed, glad that they didn't...
[snip]
The rain poured over the city, drenching everything in its path.
"its path"? the rain's path? or the storm's path?
Rain doesn't travel any direction except down. Storms and clouds travel
horizontally (over cities).
Lightning flashed across the sky and the thunder responded.
Thunder is a result of, not response to lightning. Perhaps "followed"
instead of "responded."
Beneath the pouring rain, a lone figure roamed the street.
Shoulder slumped, hair tied in a ponytail, fist clenched, and
Only one shoulder is slumped? How odd.
Does she have back problems? <gg>
eyes narrowed as it scanned through the street like a hawk
searching for its prey.
^�This can^�t be happening. It just can^�t turn out this way. I
won^�t let it.^� She quickly wiped the hot tears from her eyes and
forced the anger deep down her heart. ^�I won^�t loose. I will
not! You hear me?!^� she shouted against the fallen rain.
"fallen rain" is puddles, and she would be shouting "at" not "against."
Perhaps you should have this as "shouted to the sky?"
Determined, she ran through the street, ignoring the complaining
body and wet clothes. She had more important matters to attend
to and no amount of discomfort was going to stop her. She had a
dream and she would do what ever it takes to make it come true,
even if someone got hurt in the process.
The last phrase here sounds odd. She's willing to hurt one person?
She's willing to hurt herself? Perhaps you should use ...even if people
got hurt...
And so, she ran through the street of Nerinma until she reached
Nerima
her destination, Ucchan. The restaurant was dark and gloomy,
almost as dark as her mood, but that wasn^�t important. She
quickly entered the restaurant and ran upstairs to her room. She
needed to prepare for when the Konatsu returned, she had to be
ready.
Readied for action.
Tense confusion. "She is ready" and "She is readied" are two different
tenses, and to suddenly switch from one to the other breaks the flow of
the story.
Readied for whatever obstacles her opponents tossed in her paths.
She^�d be ready and she^�d fight back. Right now, she had a dream
to make true and no one will interfere with her dream. And so,
she gathered her belonging and packed what she needed for a
possible long journey.
Same readied/ready confusion. Also ...and no one will... sounds wrong,
perhaps ...and she would not let anyone...
[snip]
Ryouga sighed as the thought of Akane. His heart lifted for a
moment, but was suddenly shattered. Ryouga growled inhumanly.
How does he growl inhumanly? He is after all, human.
[snip]
And so Ryouga ran and search for his arch nemesis. At some
distant behind him, a small sphere floated several meters above
him. So lost in his depression, he was completely oblivious to
the floating object as he ran through the vast continent of
Japan.
He's in a vast desert. Are there deserts in Japan? Also, Japan is a
bunch of [large] islands, not a continent.
***Unknown***
The room was vast and dark. In the center of the room sat a
figure. He was leaning to his right with is elbow rested on the
arm of the chair. The only light reflected off the floating
screen two meters in front of the figure.
If there's only one source of light in the room, wouldn't it make more
sense for it to be originating from the screen, not reflecting off of
it? Unless the screen is turned off, that is.
[snip]
^�Well, doctor. How^�s your progress with the Kuno^�s sibling,^� a
man in business coat asked.
Kuno's means belonging to Kuno, and there're two siblings, not one.
Thus, "Kuno siblings," not "Kuno's sibling."
[snip]
^�I^�m afraid that^�s not all. It seemed that the dosage we gave
Tatewaki was ineffective. For unknown reason, he^�s immune to
many of our drugs. We^�re currently testing a divergent of
additive that might help him calm down to a level where we can
start talking.^�
"divergent of additive" doesn't make sense.
[snip]
He could understand why his cousin wanted to leave his previous
trouble behind and starts over. That thought had crossed his
start
mind several times, but he felt that if he left, he would greatly
hurt their feelings and he couldn^�t bring himself to pursuing
that course of action.
[snip]
^�I don^�t see why I have to be here,^� Ryoko nearly snarled.
Only "nearly" snarled? How does one do that?
[snip]
^�Answered me!^� she demanded.
Answer
[snip]
Washu gave her a small smile and a gleam crossed her feature as
she looked away from her screen at the retire space pirate. ^�You
^�re fat,^� she said cheerfully.
Strange line wrapping effect. "You're" should be one word, not split.
[snip]
Washu ^�tst^� and rocked her index finger back and forth as she
looked at the screen. ^�According the data, you^�ve gain 5.128
gained
centimeters to your waist.^�
[snip]
^�I AM NOT OLD!^� Ryoko stared daggers at the red head. ^�YOUR OLD
THAN ME!^�
"You're older than", not "Your old than"
[snip]
^�Argh^�. I bet you that I can beat him without any problem!^�
I don't think you need to follow an ellipsis with a period. I might be
wrong, though.
[snip]
^�That^�s not what I want to hear. Go find her! If my great
granddaughter dishonor the Masaki in any way, she will not only
Don't you mean harm the Masaki, not dishonor the Masaki?
dishonor herself, but also her clan and I will not stand by and
allow that to happen. I suggest you find her and make sure she
doesn^�t do anything we^�ll all regret,^� she threatened.
[snip]
Silently, she pulled out a piece of paper from her rope and laid
robe, not rope.
[snip]
clan symbol. With a wave of her hand and a flashed of light,
a flash of light
suddenly a shadow appeared in the room.
"suddenly" is not needed.
[snip]
Cologne made her way across the room and sat before a shrine in
her room with her eyes closed, head bowed, and looking very
solemn. For the first time in centuries, she felt tire and
tired, not tire. She's not round, made of rubber, and filled with air.
helpless. She had hoped to raise her great granddaughter in the
true ways of the warrior; she made her strong physically and
mentally. She taught her the honor of their magnificent tribe
Ehh? Shampoo, mentally strong? Yeah, right.
[snip]
So much had change with Nodoka^�s announcement and though she
would have preferred to add Ranma to the tribe by marrying
Shampoo, but she knew it was hopeless. She had hoped that she
would wear him down and have him submit, but he was too strong
will. She snickered, ^�I should have guess that from a Masaki.^�
guessed, not guess.
[snip]
He ran out of the restaurant near panic and searched the street
desperately. From the tone, he had no doubt that the old ghoul
was disappointed. However, it wasn^�t him that she was
disappointed in; it was his Shampoo. That only made him worried
even more. If it was him, then it was a simple beating, locked
up in his cage, and extra work. He didn^�t care for any of that;
I wouldn't care for it either :) To care for something means to like
it. To care about something means to mind it, be bothered by it. You
should have either "he didn't care about any of that" or "he didn't mind
any of that" or "he wasn't bothered by any of that"
[snip]
Mousse ran down the street to Ucchan and knocked violently on the
"Ucchan" is the person "Ucchan's" is the place.
door for several minutes without response. He quietly cursed his
luck and ran to the next house and hoped it would bring him
better news. As he reached the Tendou, he quickly composed
Either "the Tendou's" or "the Tendou home" or "the Tendou dojo." Only
with the possessive form ("Tendou's") is the word "house" or "home"
implicit. Without the possesive, "Tendou" becomes an adjective in this
position.
[snip]
She only smiled and disappeared upstairs and soon returned with
Nabiki who had her business like expression. Even though he didn
^�t like to deal with her, she was his best option in finding
Line wrapping of "didn't"
[snip]
[snip]
^�It was late last night while I was chasing over the rooftop when
she disappeared in the alley. I got splashed and tied.^�
"Tied up," not merely "tied." Unless you meant to type "tired."
[snip]
Before he left, Nabiki interrupted, ^�If you have any information
on her where-a-bout, I would appreciate the information.^�
The word is whereabouts, no hyphen. And in spite of ending with an s,
whereabouts is a singular word.
[snip]
[Masaki^�s house]
This is ok, but you don't need Masaki as a possessive. It is just as
correct to say "Masaki house," especially since "Masaki's house"
normally means belonging to the person who is Masaki (one owner), and
"Masaki house" means belonging to the Masaki family.
If japanese names pluralized like english names (they don't), "Masakis'
House" would mean belonging to all of the Masakis. Japanese words
pluralize the same way the english word "sheep" does -- in other words,
they don't change. Consider:
"Oh-hohohoho, Ranma darli-" WHAMWHAM! One Kuno down.
"Foul sorcerer, release-" WHAMWHAMWHAM! Two Kuno down.
"Aloha, keiki! Kuno-Kouchu's gonna-" WHAM! All three Kuno down.
Notice that no s gets added when 2 or 3 of the Kuno family are being
talked about.
[snip]
It was half pass three in the morning and Ranma had yet found a
"yet to find" is a more common phrase, and sounds better.
[snip]
He grumbled
silently and made his way to the kitchen, careful not to disturb
the other inhabitant.
inhabitant? Not inhabitants?
[snip]
In no time, he was in front of the refrigerator and was searching
through the left over. It was still quite surprising that his
left overs.
newfound sister made all the food for them that was on the par of
Run on sentence. Perhaps ...all the food for the, and it was...
[snip]
Ranma sat silently, enjoying his meal when light footstep alerted
him. With a sigh, he lowered his guards and continued eating.
"brought him to full alertness" would be better.
"lowered his guard" would be more correct.
Warily, Sasami descended the stairs and was surprise when she
Why was she wary, when she hadn't yet noticed Ranma? Or do you mean
weary? And that should be "suprised" not "surprise."
[snip]
[will change this to a scene with Ranma and Sasami instead.
It's already a scene with Ranma and Sasami.
[snip]
[incomplete scene]
Well, complete it then! <gg>
[snip]
^�Come on, let get you clean up.^�
cleaned up
Mousse nodded and followed Akane, not sure where they wereheading
add a space between "were" and heading
until they were at the gate and realized it was the Saotonme^�s
Saotome house or Saotome's house. No "n".
house. The appearance of the matriarch only confirmed his
conclusion.
"the Saotome matriarch," would be be better. With no qualifier, one
would think of Cologne.
^�Why, hello Akane-chan. What brings you here at such early
hours,^� she said cheerfully.
Correct, but "such an early hour" would be better.
[snip]
Akane blinked and shook her head, ^�No, obaasan. This is Mousse,
one of Ranma^�s^�er^�rival.^� She looked down at the plate and said
darkly, ^�I don^�t think I can trust any pet that wonders into my
house anymore.^�
You mean "trust any animal that wanders into"
Don't confuse wander and wonder. To travel aimlessly is to wander. To
be curios about something, or to be ponder something, is to wonder.
Ryouga wanders the world, then wonders where he is.
Nodoka smiled in understanding, ^�I can understand how you feel,
but you shouldn^�t blame yourself for it. You didn^�t know and he
used you trust to betray you.^�
your
[snip]
Nodoka gave her a small smile, ^�Yes, Akane-chan, we all make
mistake. My gravest was to allow Genma to take my only son away
mistakes
from me and allow my view of ^�man amongst men^� to blind me to
Ranma^�s suffering.^� She turned away and stared out the patio,
^�No so long ago, I turned away from my family and searched for my
own honor. After a while, I thought I found it and then I meet
Genma. He was the opposite of everything I believe and yet I
believed
fell in love with him. I thought I could change him. Teach him
about honor, but I was wrong,^� she shook her head.
change him, teach him about honor,
[snip]
You have your
mistakes and so do my son. All you can do now is take
so does
responsibility for it and try not to make the same mistake
again.^�
[snip]
Akane smiled wistfully and began the tale of Masaki Ranma, once
known as Saotonme Ranma.
Aargh! There is no n in Saotome! This is like spelling Ranma as Ramen
throughout a fic.
[snip]
^�Because I got tire of all the crap that kept happening to me,^�
got tired. "tire" is what genma-panda plays with.
[snip]
Ranma took a deep breath and laid back and thought for a moment.
^�I-I don^�t know. I guess it^�s the little things that just kept
adding.^� He paused. ^�The constant fights between me and Akane.
adding up."
The problem was with the other fiancees interfering. People
The problems with the other
coming after me wanting to kill or challenge or even marry me.
You could probably leave out "or challenge," since a simple fight, not
involving honor, or someone trying to kill Ranma or kidnap Akane would
probably not be all that stressful. There's nothing that stressful for
Ranma about a simple fight, a contest of skill -- it's the social
complications that come with some (most?) of the fights that cause
problems.
[snip]
Sighed, ^�After a while, it just got so confusing that I didn^�t
know what to do anymore. I mean, I don^�t mind some of it, but it
^�s the same thing over and over again, day after day. It never
ends,^� sounding dejected and lost.
it's got line-wrapped.
^�I guess I just got tire of all the crap,^� he said, defeated.
tired, not tire!
[snip]
Both of their shoulders slumped at the thought of spending an
entire day shopping. It wasn^�t something at the top of their
list, but it was them against the girls and even though both were
competent fighters, they still didn^�t stand a chance, not with
Washu in the mass.
in the mess. She's not adding herself for her weight (mass), she's
contributing to a fight (mess). And there's *certainly* nothing to do
with the Christian religious ceremony of Mass.
[snip]
Tenchi shrugged, ^�I have no idea. He always got out of it some
how.^�
gets out of it. He's not just talking about the past, but the fact that
granpa is sure to get out of it this time, too.
[snip]> He involuntarily shuddered, ^�No way. The last time I tried to
get out of it, all the girls gang up on me for a week because
ganged
[snip]
^�Yosho, what brings you here?^� Washu said in a polite manner.
^�At such late hour too. You wouldn^�t be up to something now,
would you?^� she winked.
such a late hour
[snip]
^�I thought that^�s why you^�re here. There^�s something protecting
him. When I tried to unravel the curse, a power surge from Ranma
nearly destroyed all of my equipments.^�
Protecting him, or protecting the curse? And did the power surge come
from Ranma exactly, or from his curse? After all, there's three
energies in him -- his ki, his Jurai powers, and the curse.
Also, it should be "all of my tools," or "all of my equipment."
Isn't English grammar strange?
[snip]
^�From the same source?^�
Nodded, ^�Yes, it came from Ranma, but it was different. I can^�t
conclude it yet, but the second energy came from the curse form.
If I didn^�t know any better, it was use to contain the first.^�
Who nodded? I presume Washu, but the sentence is grammatically
incorrect. Also, "the cursed form" not "the curse form." And "it was
used to," not "it was use to."
^�Hmmm... Very interesting.^�
You use an elipsis character (^�) elsewhere but write it out here as
(...); you should be consistent!
[snip]
Fortunately Yosho was able to cover from his startled with just a
That should be "to recover from his startlement," or "to recover from
his being startled." Unless it's "to cover up his being startled," or
"to hide his being startled."
[snip]
[needs to add a scene to tie the fight scene into the story.]
It was early the next morning and the entire cast sat around the
table, casually eating their breakfast when Washu interrupted
them.
^�I have great news!^� she chimed cheerfully.
^�What is it, Washu-chan?^� Ayeka asked.
^�Did you find my cure?^� Ranma nearly leaped to hug the red head.
Tenchi nodded his agreement as he stared wide eye at the greatest
scientist.
Washu just grinned and whipped out her floating laptop. With a
few keystrokes, the room dimmed and blue and red lights flashed
across the room. There were a few ^�oohh^� and ^�aaahh^� as the
light show came to a halt, with the main spotlight directed at
herself. Once she had everyone attention, her eyes tinkled and
she snapped her fingers.
^�Washu the greatest!^� one kappa appeared and shouted to the
audience with a small courteous bow.
Shouldn't these be mecha-Washu, not kappa? Aren't kappa what she turns
people who offend her into?
^�Washu the greatest!^� another kappa shouted from her left
shoulder.
^�The world^�^� continued the first kappa before a small cough
"The world's..."
interrupted her. ^�The galaxy^�^� Again, another cough disrupted
"The galaxy's..."
her announcement. A small bead appeared before continuing, ^�The
Universe greatest scientific mind,^� it said with emphasis on the
Universe's
second word.
Whether the word 'the' is counted is ambiguous. Instead say "emphasis
on the word Univserse's" or "emphasis on the word greatest."
[snip]
Then came the big question, ^�What^�s the great news?^�
Unfortunately, the voice originated from none other than our
favorite martial artist. And as usual, his infamous
foot-in-the-mouth took control and added this little comment, ^�I
mean, it couldn^�t be as bad as all the other one I heard about.^�
The other what he heard about?
[snip]
Finally, a soft growl permeated the silent. To bad it never
reached a certain martial artist ears as he continued.
permeated the silence
^�Man, you should have seen some of the food. I was positively
certain that some could be classified as toxic waste,^� he
recalled though his feature paled slight. Unbeknownst, a few
paled slightly. Unbeknownst to him, a few
other faceS also paled but for different reason.
faces
I must say, I don't get this scene. What *is* the great news? Why is
everyone worried for Ranma? How has he offended Washu?
Ryoko smirked as she faced off with her latest antagonist. He was
obviously no Tenchi, having just recently entered into the lives
of everyone here at the Masaki Shrine. He didn't have the
'benefit' of Tenchi's intensive training under his grandfather
with his Jurian power. Even if he is an extremely powerful
martial artist, he can't be that great without any power to back
it up.
Tenchi's traning was just in the sword, and without Juria power, until
Ryoko showed up. Of course, it could just be that she's 'conveniently'
forgetting that.
Ryoko snorted. Martial arts versus her powers of flight,
teleportation and energy blasts. She almost felt kind of sorry
for the poor kid. Almost. No one makes a crack about her age.
With a thought, she shifted her outfit to body-hugging red
clothing that left just her head free.
You mean "that left just her head uncovered" -- after all, a
body-hugging outfit leaves the the body's movement unrestricted or
"free."
Ranma studied his opponent from across the grassy glade. In the
background, the mountains tops that encompassed the Masaki shrine
"Encompassed" sounds odd. How about "surrounded?"
[snip]
Washu-chan whistled softly to herself. Ranma bio-readings are
typically very normal for an Earth/Jurian in very good physical
Instead of "very normal," which sounds wierd, how about "very close to
average."
condition. But since the beginning of the 'fight' subtle changes
were occurring in his aura. Washu chortled to herself as her
portable computer continued to record all of the data from the
sensors she had planted around the entire valley.
The word "entire" is extraneous.
Sasami and Ayeka watched impassively, kneeling on the grass to
either side of Tenchi. Ryo-oki mewed from on top of Sasami's
head, looking upset. Tenchi tried to appear calm, but a small
upset? why? Why not worried? (Who she's worried for doesn't have to
be said.)
[snip]
Ranma blinked, trying to see where she had gone. Could she really
be that fast? A change in the air pressure alerted him to Ryoko's
attack just a split second before she connected. A life long set
of ingrained training kicked in, as Ranma fell to one hand,
rolled to the side to avoid Ryoko's second swing, which burned a
line into the ground.
Hmm. How about, "As the ingrained reflexes of Ranma's life long
training kicked in, Ranma fell to one hand avoiding her attack. He then
rolled to the side, avoiding Ryoko's second swing, which burned..."
[snip]
The only response was the rustling of the tree's leaves, making
it almost impossible for her to notice where her opponent was.
How about, "to see where" or "to tell where"?
Ryoko started to growl in anger. That jerk. What a coward. Hey,
that gave her an idea. "Coward! Wimp! Girly-boy! Transvestite!
Come out and fight!" Ryoko sent out a request for Ryo-oki to tell
her where Ranma had hidden. It shouldn't take the cabbit long to
find him.
How about "Ryoko mentally requested Ryo-oki to..."
[snip]
Ranma came to a rest four trees, two bushes and one really hard
boulder later. His eyes swam, trying keep him from a sea on inky
unconsciousness. "Ouch. I ate your food, didn't I?" Ranma
complained dizzily as he sat up in the gravely remains of the
boulder. He shook his head to clear it. Funny, one of the spots
was getting bigger, not smaller.
I don't get what he means by "I ate your food, didn't I?"
Is he a little confused from a hit to the head?
[snip]
"That has to break several theorems of energy conservation
negation. I ought to know, I wrote them several thousand years
ago. He's actually recovered from his exertions and gotten a
second wind. Amazing. And without a single artificial
enhancement! And he just took a shot that's been exploding trees
and rocks, with out a defensive field."
If something appears to break laws of energy conservation, then
obviously you're not tracking where all the energy is.
Do Washu's sensors not detect ki?
"Hiryo Shotan Ha!" Ranma cried out, hoping that he would have
caught her off guard using a different technique. The wind howled
and tore at the trees, as a gigantic tornado was created,
striking at the flying, wide eyed woman. Ranma struggled to
maintain his control, feeling himself start to lose himself in
its fury. That hadn't happened since that fight with the Seven
Lucky Gods, a long time ago.
Didn't he learn that technique to combat Saffron, ruler of Phoenix
mountain -- which was much later than the fight with the Seven Lucky
Gods martial artists?
Ryoko was spinning round and round, up became down and back again
for seconds. Finally, nearing blackout herself, she managed to
regain her concentration and became as immaterial as a ghost. She
slowed to a stop, panting in exertion and pain. Where the hell
was this kid coming up with this stuff? Whatever the energy he
had used in that last attack had really hurt. It almost felt like
she'd blasted herself, dozens of times.
<gg> That's because she had :)
Slowly the dragon, as Chinese tornadoes are also known, weakened
and then finally imploded, leaving a frazzled Ranma in the center
of a field of desolation. Nothing existed within fifty yards
larger than a matchstick. Ranma lowered his right arm, staring up
at the floating figure.
Are tornadoes in China really known as dragons?
Also, I would expect a dying tornado to dissolve or dissipate, not
implode.
Anyway, that was a very good chapter, and I hope to see more of it soon.
Your writing seems to have improved some since the first chapter, but
could still use some work. If you get a prereader, and send him or her
parts of your story as they're written, your writing will improve much
more quickly.
Your most common mistake is tense confusion (incorrectly adding or
leaving out "ed" on verbs), followed by pluralization mistakes.
--
There are three methods for writing code in which no bug can be found:
1) Make the code so straightforward that there are obviously no bugs.
2) Make the code so complicated that there are no obvious bugs.
3) Insist that any apparent bugs were really intentional features.