A Woeful Life, is it to me? Woe is life, oh my oh
me!
by David A. Brown
Dedicated to those who have cashed in on
It's a Wonderful Life before me, starting with
Jimmy Stewart.
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The panda stood atop the rail of the bridge,
staring into the icy depths below. The evening
started out normally enough; a game of go, a bottle
of sake, Akane force feeding Ranma supper
resulting in the expected eruption. The usual.
Then, however, something happened that made
Genma Saotome conclude that the schools would
never be united, and thus his life's goal would
remain unrealized. That something, which had
something to do with Nodoka, a katana, and certain
artifacts left over from years of training with the
Master, was entirely unimportant. What was
important was that Genma Saotome was about to
die.
Genma stepped forward over the side of the
rail and then WHAP fell back over upon the bridge.
A strange man stood over him, wearing a red
spandex suit and was carrying a spoon. He had a
pot belly.
<Growlf?>
"Genma Saotome, you have done well
enough for me. You must not die, because I have
need of your services if I am ever to get a spork, or
maybe even a pitchfork."
<Growlf?>
"I am Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light.
Let me show you what life would be like without
your actions. Remember, you cannot touch
anything."
<Growlf?>
"I don't know why. All I know is that I'm
supposed to tell you that. It says so right here."
Phil holds up a copy of You Can't Touch Anything,
a Guide to Life Interventions, copyright 2000
Dogbert Press, Inc.' "That's too bad, because you
cannot get any hot water to change back from your
cursed form, all the water I can give you is only
luke-warm, and I can't read Japanese."
<Growlf?>
The first stop was outside of Okayama.
Ryoko and Ayeka stood along the side of the road.
A bus pulled up, and out stepped Tenchi Masaki
and a very pretty young woman with long brown
hair.
Ayeka greeted the two students, "Welcome
home!"
"Hi!"
Ryoko stepped up to the girl, "Hey Ukyou!
Did'ja put the moves on Tenchi during lunch like I
told you to?"
Ukyou replied, "Please Ryoko, I know you
want to see me and Tenchi-chan together, but we
are still too young. Even though we were engaged
to be married by our fathers, we have plenty of time
to get to know one another and I have to help
Sasami with dinner."
Phil leaned over to the panda and said
"Without you, Ukyou never spent her life building
up a violent rage against you and your son. Her
father wound up engaging her at an early age to the
grandson of a Shinto priest. She will live a very
happy life without you."
<Growlf?>
Let's go, Phil said.
Phil rapped his spoon onto the ground and
the scene changed to a rustic Chinese Village.
"Moose, you must master this technique if
you want to marry Shampoo. She is the best fighter
in the village and you are the only man good
enough to be her husband."
"Thank you Elder Cologne. I will try
harder."
"Moose, let me give you an incentive.
Shampoo wants you to win."
"She loves me? If that's so, then I cannot
fail. Catsu Tenshin Amagurikin!"
Phil explained, "See, without your
interference in China, Cologne realized that Moose
was the only one with the potential to become
Shampoo's husband. They never become cursed,
and Shampoo and her heirs will rule the village for
generations to come.
<Growlf?>
"Let's go", Phil said as he rapped his spoon
against the village's challenge log.
The scene changed again, this time to the
familiar confines of the Tendo dojo. Akane was
facing her sparring partner, with an angry look on
her face. "Why can't you try to hit me? If I don't
spar for real, I'll never get any better. Is that what
you want?", Akane asked her fiance.
"Listen, you know how I do not like to hit
women. It's not right."
"It's not right? I'll show you what's not
right!", Akane exclaimed as she struck her hapless
fiance into unconsciousness with her Mallet
O'Doom.
"Akane-chan, you know that you shouldn't
treat your fiance like that. It's not appropriate. Now
apologize."
"Yes mother. I'm sorry Ranma."
<Growlf?>
"Maybe you should wake him up first?
Kasumi made dinner this evening and she would be
really disappointed if Ranma isn't there to eat it."
"Yes, Nodoka-mama."
<Growlf?>
Phil said, "You see, without your presence
and constant training, Ranma isn't quite the marital
artist that he became, but nevertheless his
relationship with Akane is nearly the same. Still,
with Nodoka's constant supervision, Akane and
Ranma will overcome their differences and get
married soon after graduating from high school.
Akane even learns to cook."
<GROWLF?>
"You want to live? That's what I wanted to
hear. Now will you give me your soul so I can give
you the power to continue your work towards the
eternal darnation of all those around you?" Phil
rapped his spoon one last time and the two of them
reappeared on the bridge.
<GROWLF!!!!>
"You don't want to sell your soul?"
<GROWLF!!!!>, the panda said one last
time as he knocked Phil over the edge of the bridge
while running to Nodoka to ask a few pointed
questions.
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