I ran into severe writer's block while writing this, and I'm considering
abandoning the project. If anyone wants to continue the story, or to
recycle the idea, they have my permission to do so.
Programming: An Evangelion Spamfic.
Story by Sidewinder. Characters created by Anno Hideaki and Sadamoto
Yoshiyuki.
* Part 1 *
The circular room was known as the "Anime Eden". It was a conference room,
where the giants of anime once created a heaven and an earth for legions of
fans. The room was void now. After the giants ended their work, they left,
letting silence and darkness reign.
Suddenly, there was light. It revealed a businessman. Have the giants
returned?
"Whoa!" The man looked around the room. "This is so cool! How did you
guys come up with this?"
Another light joined him. It revealed a black monolith whose length,
width, and height were perfectly proportioned at 1, 4, and 9. The letters
"GAINAX 01" marked the monolith's face. "Mr. Qing, you are revealing your
true face," admonished the monolith.
"Oh." The man hit an unseen button. His light extinguished, then
re-ignited, revealing another monolith. "How's this?" asked the new
monolith, marked "GAINAX 13."
GAINAX 01 sighed. "The date is..." He noted the date and time, then
called for his comrades. One by one, the monoliths "GAINAX 02" to "GAINAX
12" appeared in the room. "This meeting is now in session. Our subject
today is the filming of a new anime series. With us is Mr. Qing Han, the
special representative of the Feilong Financial Group. Our new...
investors."
"Hello," greeted Han.
"The title of the new series is 'Broken Hearts'," began GAINAX 04. A
hologram of a schoolgirl and a schoolboy appeared in the room's center.
"Cool!" exclaimed Han. "I'd love to get one of these hologram thingies for
my office."
"It is a tragic romance about a girl who falls in love with a boy who
doesn't love her," continued GAINAX 04. "The story begins when the girl is
cruelly..."
"Hold it," interrupted Han. "A tragic romance? This isn't right." The
holograms of the girl and the boy were replaced by two bar graphs.
"According to the latest American box office figures, and the ratings for
their latest TV shows, the big money is in action."
"Mr. Qing, you seem to underestimate the artistic and dramatic potential of
this story," said GAINAX 04.
"And you seem to underestimate the financial potential of the American
anime market," said Han. "My employers have invested a lot of money in your
company. They expect a lot from you, and they will be very upset if you
fail to meet their expectations."
"Mr. Qing, are you threatening us?" asked GAINAX 04.
"No, I'm just saying that you should dump the tragic romance in favor of
something fun," answered Han. "What was that show where fallen angels
invade Earth? 'Neo Genesis Angel'?"
"'NEON Genesis Evangelion'," corrected GAINAX 01.
"Yeah!" exclaimed Han. "We can use the setting! Humans on the edge of
survival, and human efforts to live and love in a world that forces them
onto the edge. Inject a little adrenaline into the story... a lot of
adrenaline... and bingo! A new action series!"
"That might work," said GAINAX 01.
"But my story!" cried GAINAX 04. "It is the child of my depression, my
fear of rejection, my anger at myself and others for the pain of rejection,
and my hatred of a world that allows such pain to exist! How can you reject
that!?"
"Emotional pain doesn't sell anymore," answered Han. "Except in S & M
pornography. Dump 'Broken Hearts', bring back 'Neo Genesis Evangelion'."
"NEON Genesis Evangelion," corrected GAINAX 01.
"That's bad English," said Han. "'Neo' means new, 'Neon' is an element."
"You pig!" screamed GAINAX 04. "I'll kill you! I'll kill you!"
Han sighed. "Then I'm sorry for what I'm about to do." A cellular phone
beeped. "Execute."
An explosion roared from GAINAX 04. The monolith faded away, revealing a
man's back.
"Anno..." cried GAINAX 01.
Anno Hideaki, alias GAINAX 04, stared at a burning door that laid on the
floor. A man in black stood in the doorway, aiming a submachine gun.
Anno^�s image faded away.
"I propose that we film an action series," said Han. "Any objections?
The room was silent.
"There's going to be a new 'Eva' series!?" exclaimed Katsuragi Misato.
"Yes, and we..." began the executive.
"Well, don't you dare begin filming a single frame without me!" ordered
Soryu Asuka Langley. "And this time, I DEMAND script approval!"
The executive sighed. He didn't appreciate Asuka's attitude, but he did
relate to her. Having your head screwed in such a painful manner can turn
anyone into a bitch. "You may discuss this with the new producer. However,
the new producer has promised that you would gain a percentage of the gross
if you agree to return."
"You better!" warned Asuka. She ran into the kitchen. A voice protested
about burning fish. Asuka returned, dragging a young man out of the
kitchen.
"Come on, Stupid Shinji," ordered Asuka. "We're going back, we're going to
be stars again, and we're going to get POINTS! POINTS!"
"But Asuka, dinner will be ruined!" protested the youth.
"How can you let your stomach get in the way of your path to glory!"
admonished Asuka. "Come on! We get to pilot Eva again! Isn't that what
you've always wanted!?" She dragged the youth to the door.
"Please, no more pain, no more..." cried Ikari Shinji as Asuka dragged him
out of their apartment.
Misato sighed. "You will take care of them, right?" she asked. "You won't
let them get hurt... like last time... right?"
"Don't worry," assured the executive.
Misato grabbed the executive's tie, choking him. "You better not make me
worry!" she warned. "I'll be watching you." She released the executive,
then followed Asuka and Shinji out of the door.
The executive sighed. Artists were so temperamental.
"Tell that bastard to burn in hell!" answered the voice on the phone. "I
will NOT be his whore!"
The executive sighed. Anno, the series' late director, believed that pain
was a purifying experience. His efforts to purify the cast had generated
much animosity between them. "Ms. Akagi, please reconsider," urged the
executive. "Our new chairperson is willing to reward you..."
Han took the telephone handset out of the executive's hand. "Let me talk
to her," he suggested. He raised the handset to his ear. "The lovely Ms.
Akagi! It's an honor to speak with you!"
"Who the hell are you!?" asked Akagi Ritsuko.
"I'm Qing Han," he answered. "I'm one of your biggest fans. I've seen
your theater work. As Lady Macbeth, the depth of your acting, the range of
emotions you expressed... your skill is incomparable." He heard typing.
"You're a special representative of the Feilong Financial Group, am I
correct?" asked Ritsuko. "You can get younger and prettier actresses for
this role. Why would you want me?"
"We can get younger and prettier actresses, but we cannot get a more
talented actress," answered Han. "Ms. Akagi, please help us. Without you,
'Eva' isn^�t 'Eva'."
Silence. Then, "Call me Ritsuko."
Han smiled. "Thank you."
The genetic engineering laboratory had created one of the most popular
characters in the anime world. It was void now. Soon after the character
died, the series ended. The lab was a silent witness to the void, to the
loss of a girl whose fragile soul moved many hearts.
Suddenly, there was light. It revealed the aquarium, which had sustained
the lives of this character. A deluge of nutrients splashed against the
aquarium walls, refilling it. Has her soul's light been re-ignited?
"Stem cells are replicating, and are forming embryos," noted a lab
technician. "We may transfer the embryos to the tank in two hours, and
begin manufacturing the clones in ten."
"Nutrient feed systems, online," noted another technician. "Cooling
systems, online. Recycling systems, online. The life-support systems will
be fully functional in 90 minutes."
"Excellent!" said Han.
"Sir!" A technician held up a computer disk. "Here's the personality
program for the subject."
"Dump it," ordered Han.
"Is this wise?" asked the GAINAX executive beside him. "Without the
personality program..."
"What personality?" asked Han. "She rarely speaks, she rarely smiles, she
rarely cries. Stoicism makes men look manly, but it makes women look...
unnatural. The girl needs a new personality program."
"And where will we get this new personality?" asked the executive.
"We'll send clones to video game programmers from around the world,"
answered Han. "Then we'll reveal the clones in public. The fans of 'Neo
Genesis Evangelion' can vote on which personality they like best."
The executive didn't bother to correct Han. It really was bad English.
"And the other one?"
"We'll do the same for him." Han smiled. "Don't worry. We'll take good
care of your children."
"I hope I'm not going to regret this," said the executive.
The technician held the disk in the light, revealing its label. "Rei," he
read. He sighed, then dropped the disk into a trash can.
Japan. "Wow, you're filming a new 'Eva' series!?" exclaimed the young men.
"Yes," answered the GAINAX representative. "The new director has asked for
new character designs. We understand that you have experience programming
dating games. We would like you to program a cute personality for this
character."
"Ayanami Rei? She IS cute!" cried the youths. "No, she's an ideal of cute
that we mortals cannot hope to attain!" "To change one hair on her perfect
body is sacrilege!"
"We are also sending clones to other programmers for new personalities,"
added the representative. "We are offering a $500,000 reward for the
winning programmer. You are competing with artists from America, China, and
Europe. I hope you won^�t disgrace your nation."
"500,000..." cried the youths. "We'll do it!" "Don't worry, you won't be
disappointed!" "We'll show them that the Japanese are the lords and masters
of the video game world!"
The representative smiled. Behind him, an albino girl slept within a
nutrient tank, awaiting her new life.
Russia. "So, you want me to change this boy into a man?" asked the
soldier.
"Yes," answered the representative. "We understand that you have
experience programming weapons systems. We would like you to program a
personality that is suitable for a warrior."
"It will be difficult," noted another soldier. "I have seen 'Neon Genesis
Evangelion'. This character was homosexual. Homosexuals are not true men,
and cannot do what true men can do." He put his hand on the
representative's shoulder. "But for 500,000 dollars... American?"
"Yes," answered the representative.
"For 500,000 American, I will make him heterosexual," said the soldier.
The representative smiled. Behind him, an albino boy slept within a
nutrient tank, awaiting his new life.
China. "You want me to program this girl... to be what?" asked the
swordsman.
"She was a soldier," answered the representative. "She piloted a giant
robot into battle against equally gigantic enemies. She was also a
schoolgirl, and she faced the typical problems that schoolgirls faced.
Learning how to laugh, how to cry, how to mend a broken heart, and how to
love again."
The swordsman smiled. "China is the birthplace of the martial arts, and
the setting of many love stories. We can teach her how to fight, and how to
love."
Chinese love stories often ended with the lovers' tragic deaths. The
representative hoped that this wouldn't happen to Rei. The poor girl
deserved a respite from the suffering she experienced while filming "Eva".
The United Kingdom. "You want me to teach this boy how to be a man?" asked
the bearded man.
"Yes," answered the representative. Frankly, he had doubts about the other
man's masculinity. Why was he wearing a skirt?
"'Tis no bother!" boasted the man. "We Scottish have a history of courage
in battle, a heritage of bravery that other nations can only dream of.
We'll teach him!"
The representative wondered what the bearded man will teach. How to be a
transvestite?
Despite Han's precautions, some mistakes were made when the programmers
were being selected.
France. "We must work quickly!" screamed the man in tights. "Our rivals
are without artistic or cultural merit!" He pointed to a stage hand.
"Pierre! Quick, go to the costume shop and find the most beautiful dress
that you can find!" He pointed to a woman. "Sophie, prepare to paint the
clone's face! Our work must be perfect!"
"Um, sir?" A stage hand pointed to the body in the nutrient tank. "Are
you sure this the one whom we^�re to make as feminine and graceful as
possible?"
The man in tights looked into the tank. An albino BOY slept within it,
awaiting HIS new life. The man in tights smiled. "He^�s so... delicious!
We are fortunate that the Japanese support gays' rights!" He noticed the
confusion on his workers^� faces. "Hurry, hurry, get to work! We must make
this young man a proud example of French cultural education!"
The United States. "Who's the manliest man on the silver screen?" asked a
young man.
"Arnold Schwarzenegger!" answered a youth wearing a leather jacket.
"Are you kidding!?" exclaimed a youth wearing a cowboy hat. "John Wayne.
You can't beat the Duke!"
"Ha! The Terminator will wipe his butt all over the Alamo!" boasted the
Schwarzenegger fan.
"What matters is not the size of a man's gun, but the way a man uses it,"
said the Duke fan. "And Arnold, I'm sorry to say, doesn't know how to use
his gun." The youths began to argue.
"Hey, boys!" A young woman pointed to the body in the nutrient tank. "Are
you sure this is the one whom we^�re to make as tough and manly as possible?"
The youth looked into the tank. An albino GIRL slept within it, awaiting
HER new life. The youth shrugged. "I guess the Japanese are tired of sweet
things."
"A pity," said the woman. She caressed the sleeping girl's face. "She's
pretty."
The supersonic transport soared high enough for its passenger, a bearded
man, to see the Earth's curvature. His dark glasses concealed any emotions
he felt as his eyes devoured this view. He was Ikari Gendo, NERV's Supreme
Commander. The empty seats surrounding him silently declared his
importance.
A businessman walked up to Gendo. "Good evening, Mr. Ikari," greeted the
businessman. "How may I help you?"
Gendo opened his suitcase, then removed the a metal cylinder that laid
within the suitcase. The word "biohazard" marked the cylinder. "These are
the stem cells," he noted. "You are to use them to create a clone, then
program the clone to be useful to myself."
"Useful as an Evangelion pilot?" asked the businessman.
"You know the events that transpired in the 'Evangelion' movie," answered
Gendo. "My son was useless when faced with the Third Impact. I need a
replacement."
"You need... a weapon?" asked the businessman.
"I need something that will follow orders," answered Gendo.
The businessman smiled. He opened a suitcase that was identical to
Gendo's, then took the cylinder. "The clone will be loyal," he assured. To
whom?
* Part 2 *
Despite their size, the cages seemed too fragile to contain the power
within them. The power of the Evangelions, giant robots who triumphed over
equally giant enemies. Looking at these giants, the executive asked
himself, "Can we really control this power? Can it really save us? Or this
power destroy us instead?"
Asuka and Shinji followed the executive to the Eva cages. The executive
wondered if the children, former Eva pilots, had the answer to his
questions. "We have fitted S^2 engines to the Evas, allowing unlimited
activity time," he explained. "We are currently revising the weapons
systems. The Angels you will face this time have better brains and brawn,
so you must learn..." He turned around, then realized that he was alone.
"Children?"
Asuka was inside Eva 02's cage. "My baby!" she exclaimed, embracing the
Eva like a giant puppy. "I'm so happy to see you again!" She kissed the
Eva's metal face. "I missed you. Did you miss me, too?"
The executive sighed. "Do you like what you see?" he asked.
Asuka pointed at the two cylinders, one long and one short, that were
bolted behind the Eva's shoulders. "What are those?"
"The sheaths for a progressive rapier and parrying dagger," explained the
executive. "You'll receive fencing lessons before we begin filming."
"I'm a fencer?" asked Asuka. "Cool! Do I get to challenge my rivals to
duels? Give long speeches about honor and glory, then kick their butts
across Tokyo-3?"
The executive nodded. "Where's Shinji?"
Asuka shrugged. "Maybe he ran away again."
The executive sighed, then walked along the catwalks that surrounded the
cages. "Shinji!" he called. "Shinji, where are you!?"
Asuka ignored him. Then she noticed a white Eva and a blue Eva in the
other cages. "Whose Evas are those?" She pointed at the cages.
"Oh, the new Units Zero and Five," answered the executive. "We're making
new clones of Rei and Kaoru. They're currently receiving personality
programs."
"What!?" exclaimed Asuka. "You're bringing back Wonder Girl!?"
"Kaoru's coming back!?" Shinji stepped out of his hiding place and ran
towards Eva 05's cage. "Oh, Kaoru!" Shinji cried for the albino boy whose
kindness moved his heart.
Asuka stared at Shinji. "You are sick," she noted. Shinji ignored her.
The field had the potential to be many things. A forest, a farm, an
orchid, a garden. The potential had been wasted. Misato waited by the
runway, mourning the earth's lost fertility. She was reminded of a girl who
was nothing but a doll. A blow-up doll who existed to fulfill Gendo's
fantasies. Misato prayed that her new employers wouldn't waste the girl's
life this way. Rei deserved better.
The airplane announced its arrival with a roar. Misato blinked as the wind
blew her hair over her eyes. The plane landed, taxied to her side, then
opened its door. A GAINAX representative led three blue-haired, red-eyed
albino girls off the plane. They shared the same face, and their uniforms
were distinguished only by a small flag on each girl's left breast.
"Good morning, Major Katsuragi," greeted the executive. "May I present
your new wards. This is China Rei," he pointed to a girl with a Chinese
flag on her uniform. "America Rei," a girl with an American flag on her
uniform. "And Japan's pride, Magical Girl Rei."
The girls silently stood by the plane. Misato wondered if the boys would
be equally polite.
"Accursed sodomite!" screamed a voice.
A gray-haired, red-eyed albino boy, distinguished by a French flag on his
uniform, jumped out of the plane. "Admit it, you want my body!" he teased,
running along the runway. "Come for me!"
Another gray-haired, red-eyed albino boy, distinguished by a British flag
on his uniform, jumped out of the plane. "Draw your sword!" he screamed,
drawing a claymore (Scottish two-handed sword). "If you are a man, then
stay, and let us battle!" He raised his sword and charged after the first
boy.
Another GAINAX executive jumped out of the plane. "Not again!" he cried.
Another gray-haired, red-eyed albino boy, distinguished by a Russian flag on
his uniform, walked off the plane. "Major Katsuragi, this is Pilot
Nagisarov," the executive pointed to the boy beside him. "Please take care
of him. I must stop McNagisa from killing Nagiseau." He ran after the
other two boys. "Stop it! Stop it!"
Misato sighed. "Good morning, Kaoru-kun. How was your flight?"
The Russian boy smiled. "Major Katsuragi," he greeted. "You are famous
for your performance in bed. May I test your performance?" His smile
widened, baring his teeth like a hungry wolf's.
Misato backed away from the boy. The original Nagisa Kaoru was a gentle
boy who, despite his alien origin, came to understand the human need for
love and affection. This new Kaoru displayed none of his predecessor's
virtues.
"Why do you restrain yourself?" mocked the Russian boy. "You want... you
need a man to satisfy you." He took a step towards Misato.
"Hee hee hee hee hee!" The French boy giggled as he ran between Misato and
the Russian boy, forcing the Russian boy to step away from Misato.
"Die! Die! Die! Die!" The Scottish boy crashed into the Russian boy.
He didn't bother to apologize as he stood up, then resumed his pursuit.
"Die! Die! Die! Die!"
"Stop it! Stop it!" screamed the executive, running after the two.
Misato sighed. "This is going to be a long day."
Shinji stripped out of his street clothes and changed into his plug suit.
Through the thin screen that separated the locker room, he could see Asuka
do the same. He felt blood rushed to his cheeks and his... privates.
Although Asuka often joked that Shinji was gay, he was really bisexual.
Kaoru used to joke about... Shinji cried as he remembered his lover. "Oh,
Kaoru..."
A hand reached over and pinched Shinji's butt. "Ouch!" Shinji turned
around and stared into his resurrected lover's red eyes.
"Sorry, baby, but I couldn't resist!" said the boy with a French flag on
his uniform.
"Kaoru!" cried Shinji. He embraced the other boy.
"Accursed sodomite!" screamed a voice. Shinji looked over Kaoru's shoulder
and saw... Kaoru!? "This is no place for your perversions!" screamed the
boy with a British flag on his uniform. He put his hand on a giant sword's
scabbard, adding weight to his argument.
"Eek! Pervert!" screamed Asuka.
"Admit it, you want it," said another familiar voice.
Pow! Crash! Smash! Another Kaoru crashed through the screen. A
half-naked Asuka retracted her fist, ready to strike again.
Shinji looked at the boy in his arms, then at the boy with the sword, then
at the boy who laid on the floor. Their faces were the same, but their
eyes...
Misato entered the room. "Good afternoon, Shinji-kun and Asuka-chan.
Allow me to introduce..."
"Misato!" Asuka grabbed her shirt, then used it to cover her breasts.
"What the hell is this!? Why the hell are there three gay-boys!?" she
asked.
"Oh, you're so mean!" joked the French boy.
"I am a warrior!" exclaimed the Scottish boy. "My masculinity is not in
doubt!"
Misato sighed. "When GAINAX decided to bring back Kaoru, they also decided
to perform some... market research. To see what the fans wanted. To see
kind of Kaoru is wanted," she explained. "They sent clones to video game
programmers from around the world, to give them new personality programs.
These are the results. Boys, introduce yourselves."
"I am Kaoru McNagisa!" exclaimed the boy with the sword.
"I'm Kaoru Nagiseau," said the boy in Shinji's arms. He extended his hand
towards Asuka, palms down, expecting Asuka to kiss it. "A pleasure to meet
you."
The third boy stood up, touched his split lip, then stared at the blood.
He wiped the blood onto the Russian flag on his uniform. "You have a lot of
spirit, woman," he said, staring into Asuka's eyes. "Like an untamed horse.
An untamed horse must be broken." He left the locker room.
Misato sighed. "That was Kaoru Nagisarov." She pointed to the door. "He
was trained by Russian commandos. God knows what those bastards taught
him." She turned towards Asuka. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It was a
surprise to me, too."
Asuka gave an indignant grunt. "At least you're being polite about it.
Which is more than I can say for that punk."
Misato sighed. "It is a VERY long day."
The monitor flashed red. "Detected: genetic defect. Type: homosexuality,"
said the computer's AI.
The businessman frowned. "Can this defect be removed?" he asked. The
businessman was homophobic, and had programmed the DNA scanners to alert him
of this perceived defect.
"Negative. Defective gene affects kidney functions. Removal of defective
gene will result in: 90.00% increase in danger of kidney fail...."
"I know the kidneys' importance," interrupted the businessman. "Can this
gene be replaced? By..." He accessed a file on the US military's "Super
Soldier" genetic engineering project. "... the gun fetish gene?"
"Calculating... Gun fetish gene will affect adrenal glands," answered the
computer. "60.05% increase in efficiency of adrenaline secretion. 55.04%
increase in danger of berserker rage."
"Explain."
"In combat situations, subject will have: 64.05% increase in speed of
movement, 65.04% decrease in reaction time, 57.02% increase in physical
strength, 70.50% increase in endurance."
The businessman smiled. "Replace the same-sex preference gene with the gun
fetish gene."
"Acknowledged." The monitor glowed green.
The office, like all big men's offices, was larger than it had to be. It
was always dark, and in the darkness, the etched artwork on the floor and
ceiling played with a visitor's imagination. The only light source was the
window behind the marble desk, which shielded the occupant's face, but which
exposed every expression on a visitor's face. The office's scale, its
light, its shadows, its art, and its expensive desk... they all declared the
occupant's importance. Ikari Gendo sat behind his expensive marble desk,
drafting plans to change the world.
The door opened. Ritsuko led a blue-haired, red-eyed albino girl into the
office. So far, the girls had expressed no thoughts or emotions. The
programmers explained that it would take time for the personality programs
to come online. Ritsuko prayed that this time would come soon. The clones'
silence was getting on her nerves. "Sir," she greeted.
"Are the clones fully functional?" asked Gendo.
Ritsuko took a deep breath. Gendo's arrogance always got on her nerves.
"They are in good health," she reported. "However, their personality
programs..."
"Rei does not need a personality," interrupted Gendo. "She needs a sense
of loyalty. I will test her loyalty." He turned towards Ritsuko. "You are
dismissed."
Ritsuko bit her lip to silence herself. It would be detrimental to her
career if she screamed, "Screw you!" to her employer. She turned her back
on Gendo, then walked out the door.
The clone had a Chinese flag on her uniform. Gendo mentally undressed the
clone, seeing her lean muscles and athletic figure. His dark glasses
concealed his lust.
"Pilot Lingbo Ling, reporting for duty," said the clone, using the Chinese
pronunciation for her name.
Gendo smiled. She was as stoic as her predecessor. "Suck my cock."
The clone raised an eyebrow. "Sir?"
Gendo stood up and unzipped his pants. "Kneel before my manhood," he
ordered. "Open your mouth, and taste my masculinity."
"This is indecent," said the clone.
"You do not need a sense of decency," replied Gendo. "You need discipline.
Kneel."
The clone walked around the desk and got on her hands and knees. "Good..."
began Gendo.
Suddenly, Ling stood on her hands, raised her legs off the floor, and
clamped Gendo's neck between her calves.
"REI..." Gendo's cry was cut off as he struggled to breathe. Ling lowered
her legs, used the leverage to lift Gendo off his feet, and slammed his head
against the floor.
The clones silently watched Ritsuko walk off her frustration. Gendo's
office was soundproofed, denying Ritsuko knowledge of what was happening.
"That bastard!" she screamed. "God knows what he's doing to China Rei now.
Probably 'playing' with her, like a doll. A blow-up doll. Poor girl..."
Wham! The door was blown off its hinges, as if a truck had rammed it.
Ritsuko froze, staring at the steel door that laid on the floor. China Rei,
alias Ling, left the office, using a rag to wipe blood off of her fist.
Ritsuko noticed that Ling's hand was unhurt, and that the rag was part of
Gendo's uniform.
"I am not a whore," said Ling. She dropped the rag onto the floor, then
walked away.
Ritsuko ran into the office. The marble desk was upturned and broken in
half. Gendo laid under the desk, broken and bleeding.
"Oh..." moaned Gendo. "Rei... obey..."
Ritsuko sighed, then turned towards the other two clones. "Rei, Rei, move
the desk off of Mr. Ikari's chest."
"Why?" asked the clone with the American flag on its uniform.
Ritsuko blinked. Rei had never questioned her orders. "PLEASE move the
desk off of Mr. Ikari's chest," she repeated.
"Why?" asked America Rei. "He made unwelcome advances on China Rei. He
deserved punishment. Why should I help him?"
Ritsuko opened America Rei's instructions manual, searching for information
on the clone's personality program. "The clone is programmed to serve as a
gunfighter..." she read. "Highly developed defense system... In conflicts
where the clone is a third party, the clone will seek to profit from the
conflict, e.g., by acting as a mercenary or a bounty hunter..." Ritsuko
froze. "They programmed you to be John Wayne!?"
"Clint Eastwood," corrected America Rei.
"Rei..." moaned Gendo.
Ritsuko sighed. "Rei, Mr. Ikari is the man who signs your paychecks," she
explained. "If you don't move the desk off of his chest, you won't get
paid." America Rei walked towards the desk. Ritsuko sighed. "This is
going to be a long day."
Suzuhara Toji examined the action figures in his hands. The "Pilot Toji
Suzuhara" action figure held a katana (Japanese long sword) in its hand. A
button on the toy's back made it hack its sword. The "Evangelion Unit 03"
action figure had an "Angel attack" power. Levers in the toy's arms
extended its claws, and a button on its back made it slash its claws. When
the Chinese guy offered him a job in the new "Eva" series, Toji reluctantly
accepted. The action figures justified his reluctance.
"Oh, cool!" Aida Kensuke looked over Toji's shoulder to stare at the
action figures. "Can I see it?" Toji gave Kensuke the toys. Kensuke kept
hitting the "Angel attack" button, failing to notice the discomfort on
Toji's face. "You're so lucky! Not only do you get to pilot an Evangelion,
but you also get your own action figure!"
"What!?" screamed Asuka. She leaned over Shinji's desk, forcing the boy to
lean away from her angry visage. "Not only do those idiots make three
clones of gay-boy, but they also make three clones of Wonder Girl!?" She
threw her hands in the air. "I don't believe it!"
"Three Rei's!?" Kensuke drooled. "Oh, baby!"
"Stand up!" ordered Horaki Hikari, the class president. Toji grabbed the
action figures, put them into his backpack, then stood up. "Bow!" The
students bowed to the teacher. "Sit down!" The students sat down.
"Class, please welcome our new students," ordered the teacher. "Children,
please introduce yourselves."
McNagisa, wearing a Scottish kilt and leather armor, spelled his name on
the blackboard. "I am Kaoru McNagisa!" he exclaimed. "I hail from
Scotland!"
"Why is he wearing a sailor suit?" whispered Kensuke.
Nagiseau, wearing a schoolgirl's uniform, giggled. "Oh, you're so manly!"
he teased. "I'm Kaoru Nagiseau, Mr. McNagisa's... special friend." He
pulled up his skirt, laid a leg onto the teacher's desk, and ran his hand
along his thigh.
"Mr. Nagisa!" cried Hikari. "Your behavior is inappropriate for class!"
"He's gay," whispered Toji. The other schoolboys began to joke about
McNagisa's sexual preference.
"Accursed sodomite!" Wham! McNagisa grabbed Nagiseau's head and slammed
him against the blackboard. "I am a warrior!" McNagisa drew his claymore.
"You have insulted my honor!" He chopped the desk in half. "I will defend
my honor!" He raised his sword to chop off Nagiseau's head.
"Stop it!" cried Hikari.
"Kaoru!" cried Shinji. He laid his body over Nagiseau's, shielding the
other boy. "Please, don't hurt him!" Shinji stared into McNagisa's eyes.
McNagisa gave an indignant grunt, then lowered his sword. "Get him out of
my sight!" he ordered, pointing to the door.
"Thank you!" Shinji put Nagiseau's arm over his shoulder and carried the
French boy out of the classroom.
The teacher sighed. "Mr. McNagisa, please seat yourself," he ordered. The
Scottish boy spat on the desk's remains, then sat in front of Toji. The
teacher looked around the room. "Is Mr. Nagisarov present?" he asked. "No?
Very well. Ms. Ayanami."
A clone, wearing a schoolgirl^�s uniform, wrote her name on the cracked
blackboard. The kanji was hard to read, but the students knew the figures.
Ayanami Rei was too popular to forget. "I am Ayanami Rei," she said.
A clone, wearing a cowboy hat and a poncho, threw a business card onto
Asuka's desk. "I'm Ray Ayanami," she said. "I solve problems... for the
right price." The word "Troubleshooter" and a picture of crossed revolvers
marked the card.
Asuka gave an indignant grunt. "Hello, hello, goodbye, goodbye," she said
to herself.
China Rei, wearing white robes, drew a jian (Chinese double-edged sword),
then carved her name on the wall. "I am Lingbo Ling, fourth master of the
Butterfly Sword technique," she said. "I have come to challenge Japan's
master swordsmen."
"Ms. Ayanami, your clothing doesn't comply with the school dress code,"
admonished the teacher. "Take them off..."
China Rei held her sword point at the teacher's throat. "You dare to
demand such action from me?" she asked. The teacher was too scared to
answer her. China Rei retracted her sword. "Very well. I challenge you to
a duel. If you can mark my clothing within ten strokes, I will comply with
your demand." She spun her sword like a propeller, ready to block any
attack.
"That will not be necessary," said Hikari. "Ms. Ayanami, I am sorry if you
feel offended, and I apologize on behalf of the teacher." She bowed.
"Very well. I accept your apology," said China Rei, sheathing her sword.
The teacher sighed. "Please seat yourself."
The three Rei clones seated themselves. Ling sat beside Asuka.
"Well, this should be interesting," said Asuka.
* Part 3 *
The schoolday saw the introduction of three Ayanami Rei clones and two
Nagisa Kaoru clones. It began in violence, and the students feared that the
violence would spread. Fortunately, the violence was contained. Kaoru
Nagiseau suppressed his incestuous/narcissistic urge to ravish his
"brother". Kaoru McNagisa suppressed his homicidal/suicidal urge to
dismember and decapitate his "brother". Nagisarov, the third Kaoru clone,
was absent for the entire day. Ling, the Rei clone that was programmed in
China, didn't fight any duels. Ray, the Rei clone that was programmed in
the US, didn't solve any problems.
Magical Girl Rei, the clone that was programmed in Japan, was as boring as
her predecessor. She was silent, apparently staring out the window. In
fact, she was staring at McNagisa's reflection in the window.
Nothing was happening. This nothing was getting on Asuka's nerves. She
wanted something to happen. ANYTHING. Even an Angel attack, which would
give her a chance to test-drive her new Eva.
Something happened during the physical education class. It was nothing
that Asuka had expected.
The boys were running the mile on the school track. The girls were
swimming. The pool laid on a hill that overlooked the track, so while the
girls could spy on the boys, the boys could NOT spy on the girls.
"So, which Kaoru do you like the most?" asked a girl as she spied on the
boys.
"I like McNagisa," answered her friend. She stared at McNagisa, whose kilt
fluttered as he ran. "He's so... manly."
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed Asuka. "He wears a skirt! How manly can he
be?"
"That is not a skirt, that is a kilt," corrected Magical Girl Rei, whose
sudden appearance shocked the other girls. "It is the traditional dress of
the Scottish Highlanders. The kilt patterns' original purpose was to serve
as camouflage. Later, the patterns came to represent individual clans."
Asuka stared at Rei. "Did you... have sexual intercourse with McNagisa?"
she asked.
Rei blushed. "Negative."
Asuka grinned evilly. "But you'd like to have sex with McNagisa, wouldn't
you?"
Rei blushed furiously. "That is none of your business, Pilot Soryu." She
walked away from Asuka, then dived into the pool.
Asuka laughed. "I'll enjoy teasing her."
"I like Nagiseau," added a girl. "He's cute."
"He's gay!" exclaimed Asuka.
"He's French," corrected the Nagiseau fan. "He^�s just... artistic."
Asuka gave an indignant grunt. "That's the point!" she protested.
"Artistic people tend to be homosexual perverts! Look at Anal Hideaki! He
caused a lot of pain and suffering, all in the name of art! Can you trust
this kind of person? No!"
The other girls sighed. It was pointless to argue with Asuka. "Now that
you're filming new episodes of 'Eva', will you resume your relationship with
Shinji?" asked the Nagiseau fan.
"Are you kidding?" asked Asuka. "Who'd want a relationship with that
wimp?"
"Oh, oh, oh, oh!" cried a voice.
The girls looked down on the track. Shinji, wearing a schoolgirl's
uniform, held up his skirt as he ran. Nagiseau, wearing a leather corset,
held a wooden paddle in his hand as he pursued Shinji.
"Kaoru, you're hurting me!" cried Shinji.
"Yes, but you like the pain, don't you?" asked Nagiseau. He spanked Shinji
repeatedly.
"Oh, oh, oh, oh!" cried Shinji.
"I feel sick," noted Asuka.
"Do you think McNagisa is... artistic?" asked the Nagiseau fan.
"Draw your sword!" screamed a voice.
The girls looked down on the track. McNagisa drew his claymore as he ran
after a schoolboy. "If you are a man, then stay, and let us battle!"
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" cried the boy. "Ow!" He crashed into
Nagiseau.
"Kaoru!" cried Shinji.
"Oh, you naughty boy!" joked Nagiseau. "I have to spank you." He raised
the paddle.
"Die! Die! Die! Die!" screamed McNagisa. He slashed Nagiseau's left
wrist, showering the track with the French boy's blood.
"Ah!" The paddle fell onto the ground. Nagiseau clenched his wrist to
stop the blood.
"Kaoru!" Shinji tore a strip from his skirt, then used the rag to bandage
Nagiseau's hand.
"What the hell is this!?" The coach ran towards the four boys.
"He accused me of sodomy!" screamed McNagisa, aiming his sword at the
schoolboy. "He insulted my honor! I must defend my honor through combat!"
"Oh, the pain!" cried Nagiseau. "Hold me, Shinji! I'm going to faint!"
He laid his head on Shinji's lap.
"There's your answer," answered Asuka. She turned away from the track,
then dived into the pool.
"Violence is artistic?" asked the Nagiseau fan.
"Of course!" answered the McNagisa fan. "Have you ever seen a John Woo
movie?"
"So the second Nagisa Kaoru clone, the one that was programmed in the UK,
attacked the third Nagisa Kaoru clone, the one that was programmed in...
France?" Han frowned at the last word. "Because the third was sexually
attracted to the second?"
The GAINAX executive nodded. "I recommend that the second clone be
reprogrammed..."
"But why is the third Nagisa Kaoru a homosexual pervert?" interrupted Han.
"I specifically ordered the programmers to make Kaoru as tough and manly as
possible." His voice was calm, but his eyes were tempestuous.
The executive began to sweat. An unsatisfactory answer would result in his
extreme discomfort. "The post office made a mistake..." He needed to shift
responsibility away from himself. "... when they sent the clones to the
video game programmers. The American programmers, who were to receive the
third Kaoru clone, received the third Rei clone. The French programmers
received the third Kaoru clone, instead of the third Rei clone."
"So Kaoru is psychologically a woman, and Rei is psychologically a man?"
The executive nodded. He was alarmed by the Chinese man's homophobia, but
he concealed his fear, lest Mr. Qing identified him as a "pervert". It
would be detrimental to his career if he was riddled with .40 S & W bullets.
Han sighed. "Ritsuko, honey?"
Ritsuko entered the office. She wore a designer business suit, an
expensive one that made her look like the evil queen in "Sailor Moon".
"Yes, Han, honey?"
"When the third Kaoru clone has recovered from his wounds, erase his
memory, then download the 'tough and manly' program," ordered Han.
"And the second Nagisa clone?" she asked.
"I see no need to fix something that is not broken," answered Han. "Leave
the third Rei clone alone. Americans like tough chicks."
Ritsuko smiled at the last sentence. "Tough and manly... and out of
control." She laughed at her private joke. "Yes, I'll do it."
Han put his hand underneath his coat as he stood up. The executive held
his breath. Will he live to see tomorrow?
Instead of a handgun, Han drew a comb. "Thank you for reporting the error.
I will forgive the offenders IF they correct the error." He aimed the
comb at the executive's throat, as if it were a knife. "You're dismissed."
He straightened his hair.
The executive released his breath. He will live to see tomorrow.
After the executive left, Ritsuko encircled her arms around Han's torso,
reaching into his shirt.
Han chuckled. "Aren't you worried? What if people say the only reason you
got this job is because you slept with the executive producer?"
Ritsuko laughed. "When I was a child, I was afraid that people would say
bad things about me. Now that I'm an adult, I am no longer afraid, because
I know that such people are just... suicidal."
Han chuckled, then turned around to face her. "I'm sorry, I've been a bad
influence on you."
She kissed him. "I don't care."
The nurse put Nagiseau's left arm in a sling. "Nagisa-kun, please be more
careful." she admonished. "I can mend a slit wrist, but I cannot reattach a
severed head."
Nagiseau laughed arrogantly. "True love never dies! I shall conquer
McNagisa with my beauty, and he shall..." Weakened by his wound and by his
exclamation, Nagiseau collapsed onto the examination table.
The nurse sighed. "I need coffee." She left the office, walking towards
the coffee machine across the hall.
Shinji sighed. He put Nagiseau's right arm over his shoulder to support
the French boy's weight. They left the office, onto the school courtyard.
"How are you?" he asked.
Nagiseau made a fist with his left hand. Blood flowed from the wound,
seeping into the bandages. "I'm fine. The nurse said I'll regain use of my
hand in three weeks." He smiled, then rubbed his left leg against
Shinji's... privates. "In three weeks, I'm going to..." He whispered
something obscene.
Shinji blushed. "Kaoru-kun..."
Nagiseau extended his tongue into Shinji's ear. "Admit it. You want
me..." He bit Shinji's ear.
"Ouch!" cried Shinji. "Kaoru, that hurt!"
Nagiseau stared into Shinji's eyes. He opened and closed his mouth, as if
he was whispering.
"Kaoru-kun, are you..." Then Shinji saw blood flow from Nagiseau's ear.
"Nurse! Nurse!" Shinji laid the French boy on the ground, then ran towards
the nurse's office. Pop! Pop! Shinji stopped, turned around, and
screamed. Kaoru's eyes, the beautiful red eyes that looked into Shinji's
soul, were gone. In their place were two bloody holes. "KAORU!!!"
The nurse sighed, then left her office. "Not again! What is his
problem..." She gasped when she saw Shinji embracing Nagiseau's corpse.
Her coffee mug fell onto the ground, spilling its contents. "Oh, God..."
Nagisarov laughed at the view through his sniper scope. It was fun to kill
the homosexual! It was funny to watch the other homosexual mourn! He put
away his SVD (Dragunov sniper rifle), took out a bottle of vodka, and had a
drink. The homosexual's death brought him one step closer to the leading
role in the new "Evangelion" series. If Shinji blamed McNagisa for
Nagiseau's death, and if he and the Scottish transvestite killed each other,
then Nagisarov's victory would be complete.
And with his victory, Nagisarov will have a monopoly on the female cast's
attention. He laughed as he carried his rifle off of the grassy knoll.
"So, what role will you have in the new series?" asked Hikari. She opened
her lunch box, split a pair of disposable chopsticks, and began eating.
"Nothing less than the leading role!" answered Asuka, opening a McDonald's
Happy Meal. She tossed a "Gundam" action figure out of the box, then took
out a hamburger. "I'm NOT going to let a psycho nut-job who thinks he's an
artist screw with my career, I'm NOT going to let a butt-ugly Angel screw
with my mind, and I'm NOT going to let Stupid Shinji..." Too angry to
continue talking, she used ketchup to draw a bearded man's face onto the
hamburger, then devoured it, as if she was devouring the man's brain.
Hikari sighed. Asuka was still angry at Anno, the late director of "Neon
Genesis Evangelion". Hikari didn't understand why Asuka was so angry at the
man who made her famous. But Hikari admitted that she didn't experience
what Asuka had experienced. "So... what role will I have?" she asked.
Asuka stopped stuffing herself. "I don't know. The scripts aren't
finished yet." She smiled. "Don't worry, I'll put in a good word for you!
You can be my sidekick! Together, we will right wrongs and triumph over
evil!" She raised a French fry in anticipation of her triumph, like a
knight raising her sword before a battle.
Hikari smiled. After watching Asuka's mood darken with the "Eva" series,
it was a relief to see Asuka express happiness again. She saw some movement
behind Asuka. "Hey, isn't that..."
Asuka turned around. "What!?"
Magical Girl Rei presented a lunch box to McNagisa. "McNagisa-kun."
McNagisa stared into her eyes. "Yes, Milady?"
"I... I..." Too shy to finish her sentence, Rei put the lunch box onto
McNagisa's desk, opened the box, then pointed a trembling finger at it.
McNagisa stared at the box. "Is something wrong with your lunch, Milady?"
He held his nose beside the box, then blew the fumes towards his nose, as if
the box contained toxic chemicals. "Do you suspect poison?"
Rei's face reddened with anger and embarrassment. "No! I..."
"Murderer!" someone interrupted. Shinji ran through the door, holding a
penknife. "You killed him! You killed him!" Crying, Shinji aimed the
knife at McNagisa's heart and charged.
McNagisa grabbed Shinji's hand and slammed his knee against Shinji's
stomach. Shinji gasped and bent over in pain, dropping the knife. McNagisa
slammed his fist against Shinji's nose, sending Shinji across the classroom.
Struggling to stay on his feet, Shinji grabbed Rei, but they both crashed
into McNagisa's desk. The shock knocked the lunch box off of the desk.
Rei didn't cry when she fell onto the floor. She cried when she saw the
lunch box, the gift with which she hoped to win McNagisa's affection, fall
onto the floor. "NO!!!"
"Murderer!" Shinji stomped on the upturned lunch box as he stood up,
spilling the box's contents. "I'll kill you!"
McNagisa laughed, then drew his sword. "Then let us fight an honorable
fight!" He raised the sword, ready to attack.
Shinji charged. Suddenly, a pale arm encircled his neck, choking him and
slamming him against the floor. "You jerk!" screamed Rei. "Do you know how
hard I worked on that meal, how much time I spent laboring in the..." To
angry to continue talking, Rei kicked Shinji repeatedly.
"Oh, oh, oh, oh!" cried Shinji, raising his arms over his head to shield
it.
Asuka ran towards the combatants. "Stop it!" She encircled her arms
around Rei, pinned Rei's arms against her torso, and pulled the albino girl
away from Shinji. "I won't let you hurt him..."
What happened next was nothing that Asuka had expected. Rei broke free of
Asuka's grasp and turned around to face Asuka, who backed away and assumed a
defensive stance. Then Rei embraced Asuka. "I'm sorry, but he... I...
WAH!!!" She cried on Asuka's shoulder
Asuka was too shocked to move. Rei's tears were soaking her uniform.
"Hikari... help me?"
McNagisa sheathed his sword, then put his hand on Rei's shoulder. "I'm
sorry about what happened to your lunch. I'll buy you another lunch box."
Rei turned towards McNagisa. "You... you'll take me out to lunch?" she
asked, wiping away her tears.
"Yes," answered McNagisa.
Rei pounced on McNagisa. "Oh, thank you!" Kiss! "Thank you!" Kiss!
"Thank you!" Kiss! She embraced him. "I'm so happy, we're going on a
date, tomorrow we can go shopping for my wedding dress, we can find a nice
tuxedo for you, but you look very sexy in your kilt, unless you want to have
a traditional Japanese wedding, then we can go shopping for kimonos, let's
go to Europe for our honeymoon, or maybe America..."
McNagisa blushed. "Milady, are you all right?"
Kiss! "I'm fine," answered Rei.
"Then let us find a nice restaurant," said McNagisa. They left the
classroom. Rei held on to McNagisa's left arm, as if she would die if she
let go.
Asuka blinked. "Hikari... what the hell was that?"
Hikari blinked. "I don't know."
Shinji cried silently on the floor. Everyone ignored him.
Ring! Ring! Han sighed. "Back to work." Ritsuko slid off of Han's body.
Han slid off of his desk, groped for a drawer's handle, opened the drawer,
then groped for the telephone within it. "This is Qing Han." He listened
for a moment, then frowned. "Please repeat... When did this occur? Who's
responsible for this? Immediately begin an investigation. I want hourly
reports on your progress." He hung up the phone. "The third Kaoru clone is
dead."
"What happened?" asked Ritsuko.
"Someone shot him. Pilot Ikari, the witness, named the second Kaoru clone
as the prime suspect, but the second had an alibi." He sighed. "We don't
have the time to activate a replacement before we begin shooting the
teasers."
Ritsuko smiled. "Don't worry, a replacement has already been activated."
Han raised an eyebrow. "Where?"
Ritsuko picked up her jacket, which laid on the floor. She groped at the
pockets, then removed a computer disk. "May I?" Han nodded, picked up his
jacket, then removed his pocket computer. Ritsuko inserted the disk into
the computer.
The monitor showed a trench coated figure, who was testing his marksmanship
against a law enforcement simulation system. He dodged the simulated
gunmen's shots. Bang! Bang! Bang! The computer noted the deaths of the
simulated gunmen, declaring the trench coated figure the victor. Then the
figure turned towards the camera. His face resembled Ikari Shinji's, but
his eyes...
"He's a clone of Pilot Ikari, programmed to serve as an assassin,"
explained Ritsuko. "Gendo funded his creation..."
"By embezzling from us," finished Han.
The monitor showed a businessman approaching the clone. "Well done," said
the businessman.
Han's eyes widened. "Li Long? I know him," he noted.
"I'll send someone to retrieve the clone," said Ritsuko. Someone with a
gun.
"No need. I'll make him an offer he can't refuse. He'll deliver the clone
to US." Han smiled.
Ritsuko laughed. "Gendo will lose his new toy." He'll also lose his hope
for the future.
_________________________________________________________________
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