WOW!
C&C on my silly-fic (or whatever this is)
Thanks. ^_^
--- Gary Kleppe <kleppe@mediaone.net> wrote:
allyn yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:
<SNIP>
mewling pitiful cries for mercy, the same way he
ignored how her flaming red hair looked spread
across
the jet black volcanic sand of the deserted yet
lushly
tropical island he'd lured her to; the same
Hey, everyone *always* ignores the hair colors.
@@Not EVERYONE . . .I seem to recall hearing an
argument about hair-color someplace. ^_*
way he ignored how her pert breasts yearned toward
the
sun, high in the sky, that was slowly toasting her
warm flesh a golden brown without causing an
unsightly
burn.
The narrator, however, did not ignore any of these
things.
HIROSHI: Yeah! Good thing, too!
DAISUKE: Fan service is what makes life worth
living!
GARY: Did you guys write this fic?
@@They were my inspiration.
<SNIP>
usually-Chinese-clad martial-artist found himself
feeling feelings he'd never felt before.
RANMA:I have the urge to read a book! And clean up
my room!
@@LOL---->There's a story in this someplace, I just
know
it.
"Let you go;" Ryouga repeated, clenching one
scarred
fist in anguish, his features darkening at some
private and unnameable sorrow that made Ranma want
to
soothe his brow and run her hands over his broad
muscular shoulders.
You've switched from his to her right in the middle
of a sentence
there... but given the way the story's going, I'm
guessing it to be
intentional.
@@It might have been.(can't remember)
I did some strange things
in this one. Mostly I was just trying to get it out
of my head as fast as possible!
<SNIP>
and a sense of direction? My rugged masculine
good looks that drive women----"
RYOGA: --to the airport? To work? What?
@@^)^ Wish I'd thought of that one.
"None of those things," Ryouga stopped laying
things."
"Don't you recognize me----," Ryouga thrust his
face
Remove the comma. You can't use a comma like that
unless the verb is
"said" or something of that sort.
@@<pout> But . . .I liked it there. :(
(actually I goofed on that one. My WP program
won't let me put (") at the end of (-----) unless
I put a (,) first. I forgot to go back and remove it.)
"YES!" Ryouga ripped off his dark wig, a cascade
of
Titian hair falling over his creamy-white
shoulders.
"It is I----Ranko-ko, your long-lost illegitimate
half sister. Saotome Nodoka seduced and abandoned
my
father Gourry. Due to a tragic pasta accident,"
father, Gourry.
FATHER GOURRY: How long since your last confession,
my son?
Ranko-ko's face darkened in remembered pain, "I was
Again, you can't use the commas there, since the
line of dialog isn't
the object of the verb.
@@You and my wife need to get together. She
was talking to me about [GERUNDS], whatever
the heck those are. (I tried to get her to proof this
one, but she started laughing about a third of the
way through and couldn't finish it. I'm not
sure if she was laughing at the story or the
punctuation. )
accident..." Ranko-ko's face darkened in remembered
pain. "I was
or
accident," Ranko-ko said as her face darkened in
remembered pain, "I was
left to grow up alone in the wilds of East-
Jersey----"
RANKOKO: -- where I perfected the Shishi Hoboken....
@@<GROAN> Oh . . .I WISH I'd thought of that one.
<SNIP>
"----until I was taken in by a tribe of Shriners
and
taught how to forage in the salad-isle of Denny's."
salad isle
(Does Denny's have a salad isle? I know Shoney's
does....)
@@My wife, who meets there with her English buddies
for late night discussions of The Lake Poets, says
there
is.
Ranko-ko smoothed the tight crimson-leather
chignon,
that fit her like a second skin, with her slender
right hand. "I swore I would avenge myself against
you
and your family."
RANMA: Including my long-lost sister?
RANKOKO: Yes! Your long-lost sister will be the
first to die!
@@LOL. This could have added a new dimension to
the story. Or could have been a story in it's own
right.
I'll have to let it ferment a while and
see what happens.
<SNIP>
she will
feel free to express her desires."
Fix the line wrapping.
@@Don't know what happened on this one.
It was fine when I sent it.
<SNIP>
I believe you either mean Canton Ohio, or Akron
Ohio, or Scranton
Pennsylvania. Don't think there is one in Ohio,
though of course Rankoko
might not know that.
@@this explains the bad sense of direction. ^_^
"Uhhhh . . ." Ranma peered at the wide expanse of
brick that sealed the cave forever. " Shouldn't you
have been on the _outside_?"
Heh.
@@This is what started the whole thing. I
read the original fanfic and all I could think
of was Ryouga on the wrong side
of the wall.
"Hi darlin'. My name's Ataru."
"Hi, darlin'.
Nice parody. A bit diluted from going after so many
different targets at
once, but a very fun read nevertheless.
@Thank you. Between my brand-new HD
giving me fits (it cuts off at odd moments
among other things) and this story driving me
MAD , I haven't been getting much done.
Now that this is out of my head perhaps I
can get back to work on Sukeban, BF, Guy, etc.
Thanks for reading and most especially
for taking the time to C&C.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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