"David Lindquist" <bgcrisis@rma.edu> wrote:
Akane grumbled to herself. As if she cared who Ranma chose. He could go
marry
the dog next door, for all she cared. Looking down, she noticed the mangled
hunk
of tin in her hand. Oh well, it was just an old spare cup anyway.
I like the way you have this written. Good way to 'show not tell' what she
feels. However, you might want to try to make the defining line between what
she is thinking and how she is acting more obvious. Her thought and actions
can be
chalked up to her usual 'anime' reaction towards Ranma as well as her
conflicting
feeling and it makes it a little confusing I think.
Hm. I'll have to ponder on this one.
You might want to consider having Nabiki be momentarily surprised. Everyone
thinks that
this is his decision for a fiance and having him say Nabiki's name would be
something of a
shock. Maybe have her eyes grow wide then change her expression to what you
have.
I don't think a big display of surprise would be in order -- Nabsy is
pretty unflappable and is used to Ranma doing weird things -- but I
think a quick one would be good.
Nice fic!
Thanks for the comments!
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html