"Miller, Bert" <bert.miller@unisys.com> wrote:
(I can't believe it's been well over a year since part 11!
Sorry about that; particularly given that [for the first
time in the series] I ended part 11 on a cliffhanger. Oh
well.)
Hm. So all of your previous part elevens ended without cliffhangers? :)
Conventions: telepathy is delimited > <
I don't think this is necessary. It's easy enough to figure this out
from context.
As he flew backwards through the shattering window, Ranma
reacted. He snatched Akane's wrist and pulled her in, spinning
to put himself between her and the flying debris. Akane wrapped
her arms around Ranma to free his arms.
Ukyou, Shampoo, Kodachi!< Ranma sent. >Try to get over to me!<
UKYO: Get over you? Of course not. I could never get over you, Ran-chan!
Okay, I got you, Kodachi.< Ranma sent as his hand clasped her
Kodachi,< Ranma
(The verb (sent) refers to the line of (mental) dialog, so the dialog is
part of the same sentence.)
Ukyou and Kodachi left immediately, Akane after a short
backwards glance. Moments later, Nabiki arrived to find only
Ranma standing, feet spread and knees slightly bent, in the
middle of the dark, empty street. Nabiki hovered in the air, ten
feet up, still enveloped in a burning orange aura which outshone
the streetlamps. Nabiki smiled and licked her lips.
Three Nabikis here. How about a "she" or two?
"These 'four great champions' got any names?" Ranma asked drily.
Dryly, I think it's spelled.
"...this scroll doesn't give any..." Cologne murmured.
"Now, son, yew may have a parcel of pretty young things pantin'
after yew," Chingensai started, then "OWWWW!" he exclaimed as
Ukyou hit him on the head. Rubbing his head, he continued, "but
UKYO: How DARE you call me pretty and young!
I still haven't read the earlier episodes of this. Is Chingie an
original character? I like the accent. :)
"The Kagema disguise technique don't work the same as what
I taught you 'n the girlies," Chingensai nodded at Ukyou, Akane,
girlies." (he's just nodding, not nodding the dialog)
"Ya see, young feller, them Kagema have a wee problem with magic.
Suggest "a li'l problem" ("wee" sounds too Scottish, when you're
obviously going for cowboy)
The next day, the fifth day after Christmas, Kunou Tatewaki
answered his telephone. "It is I, whose voice alone can silence a
crying child, the Purple Dinosaur of Tokyo University! What
service can I render unto thee?" Kunou listened, then spoke
again. "Of a surety I shall aid thee, my fierce tigress of love!
I come at once!" Grabbing his bokken, Kunou dashed out of the
house.
Erk. Kuno's Barney? When did this happen?
KUNO: o/~ Two love me... I love two...
A glowing Nabiki glided into the clearing and hovered over the
group. "You MUST be joking. THIS is your challenge? I know all
your weaknesses, remember." Nabiki gestured, and a wave of water
came out of nowhere and crashed over the group, rendering Ranma
female, Shampoo feline, and Ryouga porcine. Kunou immediately
glomped Ranma from behind; Ranma reached back and grabbed a hand-
full of shirt, then threw the kendoist straight at Nabiki, who
idly swatted Kunou away with one hand.
The description in this scene is very matter-of-fact, and zooms through
a lot of different actions very quickly. IMO, it would really read
better if you'd slow down a bit and put in more "color." Just getting a
play-by-play of what's happening isn't that interesting to read. Let us
experience the action through the perceptions and sensations of one of
the characters. Give us the character's thoughts as the battle runs, and
use more vivid descriptions (metaphors can be especially useful) to
enhance the experience, especially in places where you want the reader
to react strongly to what's going on.
"Nighty-night, little sis," Nabiki grinned nastily as she plonked
sis."
"Not 'we', Son-In-Law. You alone can handle this, with Happosai
now so weak. Only Happi and you possess the raw power required.
We must spend the intervening time drilling you in the techniques
you will use."
SHAMPOO: What Great-grandmother say?
UKYO: We need to drill Ranma.
SHAMPOO: Okay. I go get some power tools.
"It's quite simple in concept, but tricky in execution."
Fujiwara chuckled gently. "First, free your astral body the way
I taught you, but only partially. Keep your physical body
animated."
RANMA: Animated? Isn't this story manga-based?
FUJI: It's just an expression.
At eight, Fujiwara finding more time to spend with her to
train her. Feelings of accomplishment as she posted national
rankings for her age-group in gymnastics, shogi, and go.
Hardly noticing when her mother moved to Tahiti for good.
At nine, her extreme disappointment when the frequency of
Fujiwara's visits had to be cut back. Resentment at the
attention her brother is receiving from her father.
KODACHI: Why can't *I* get a buzz cut too!!!!???!?!?!
"No, no, Son-in-law. I call your attention to position 137, which
you may happen to remember: the position with the maximum ki
charging rate."
"Err... just possibly." Ranma began to sweat. "Not that I've
tried it or nothing."
"That position, as I know you are aware, requires one male and
three females. Now extrapolate: how would you vary that position
to accomodate a fourth female?"
RANMA: Cold water?
It just doesn't work that way in Japan, Sugar. I don't know how
else to explain it. Neither you nor I can be Ranchan's wife in
public. Household harmony requires that we all have to pretend
that our household is just like every other. Hmmm... but you
don't have to be just the housemaid. Maybe you can take some
other role. What else would you like to be?<
UKYO: Let's see... Ranma's pet cat? No....
Look, Akane, I'm sorry, but its gotta be tonight.<
it's
Ranma checked himself in a mirror. "Well, THAT'S gonna make real
life awkward. Gonna have to see about damping this or hiding it
or something before my leave's over. But not now," his face
now." His
"I hate waiting. Is there nothing we can do, great-grandmother?"
Great-grandmother?" (capitalize when used as a name)
"So?" Nabiki replied, without turning her head. "My little
sister. The one who's SOOO good at martial arts, whom all
the boys chase after."
Suggest "who all the boys chase" (okay, "whom" *is* grammatically
correct, but really sounds odd. Besides, if you want to be really
correct, you'd have to say "after whom all the boys chase.")
Shampoo slammed the heel of each hand, in her own variation on
the Bakusai Tenketsu, into each mixing vat as she came to it.
They shattered, spilling florescent green sludge onto the
fluorescent, I think.
On the astral plane, his own lances of red-hot ki disrupted his
enemy's footing even as, on this plane, his giant aura-body
evaded a sideswipe and landed a paw-strike on his opponent's
aura-jaw. When needles of doubt began to creep into his
awareness, Ranma was ready; noting their external origin, he
sent his own feelers snaking back along the direction from which
they came.
from which they had come.
As more well-armed guards ran into the warehouse, Ukyou grinned,
then willed herself invisible. She leapt for a catwalk, landing
as silently as she could. Pitching her voice low and disguising
its source, she started to laugh loudly, calling on her memory of
How did she disguise its source, considering that she's invisible
anyway?
Colors rioted madly in Ranma's perceptions. Up and down became
indistinct as he spun dizzily. "This some kinda weird defence?"
defense?" (with a "c" it's the British spelling)
"Nabiki, I disagree. You WILL fix it, or... GOOD HOUSEKEEPING
APPROVAL!" In a swirl of light, Kasumi transformed. Clad in her
tiara and fuku, she posed, pointed her wand at Nabiki, and
pronounced, "...in the Name of Tidiness and Order, I WILL PUNISH
YOU!"
"AAAUUUGGGHHH!" Nabiki screamed.
Gack! You gotta be kidding. This bit had better be a dream. :/
Some nice character development in this chapter; I liked the look into
Kodachi's past, and the interplay between her, Akane, and Nabiki. The
writing got better toward the latter half of the chapter, but overall
the description could've used more color, more character thoughts and
feelings, and not so much matter-of-fact.
Hope the next part won't take another year. But then, I'm not one to
talk. ^_^;;;
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html