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Nabiki was making arrangements for their return, talking
to Ranma by phone in a small town near the outskirts of the
Biankala range.�^�^�... So you have a few
days to get to the boat. I thought you might want to make
the most of your time and get cured.�^�^�
Verisimilitude issue: It's going to take all of that "few
days" to get to any port from anywhere close to the Bayankala
range. Yes, there are airports in Chengdu and Xining which
could get them to Shanghai within a few hours, but they still
have to get to Chengdu or Xining, which, by bus or car, is
going to take a minimum of a whole day. And, if their travel
budget is such that they're taking a boat from China to Japan,
then they're not flying to Shanghai from the interior; they're
taking the train. Add two more days.
Getting into the fortress of the Musk was easier than anyone had
anticipated. Little real attention was paid to women and so the three
girls just walked right in with the ones that had been working
the small farms outside the gates.
While the Musk did have women (at one time but possibly not now),
they were not such as you could let farm on their own, since they
were Nyannichuan-splashed female animals.
And, as Ryoga P. Hibiki commented, the likelihood is that any
remaining Musk females are closely confined, since Mint and Lime
have never seen any.
After that it was tricky. Ranma led the way, with
occasional input from Shampoo. During the trip, he never
let go of Akane�^�^�s hand. Predictably, it
was kept in the throne room. Herb was by himself, apparently
going over matters of state.
Why is Ranma even allowing Akane to go on this expedition?
Given the Umisenken, why isn't Ranma going by himself,
or just him and Genma? Ranma often opposes Akane doing
anything dangerous, which she sees as patronizing and
he sees as protecting her; nothing at Jusendo would change
that.
off their hinges. The last thing he saw before the darkness
took him was the
fling redhead, and her sandal covered foot.
So Ranma is Conan, "Trampling the jeweled thrones of the
Earth under his sandled feet"?
The small group was gathered around their campfire, two
days later. They had made good time getting away from the
Musk and tomorrow morning they would
leave on the boat to Japan.
See above. They need to be camping on the outskirts of
the port from which they're leaving, if that's the case.
That's VERY good time, if on foot, from the Bayankala.
Ranma�^�^�s hand found Akane�^�^�s, his eyes found hers.
Briefly, their lips found each others. �^�^�I love you,�^�^�
he told her for the second time, his voice an intense
whisper.
While nice, in a way, this is pretty demonstrative for
immediately after Jusendo, to say this and kiss in front
of spectators (including, btw, Shampoo, who is NOT
at this point reconciled to having lost).
�^�^�We came up with a cure for Jusenkyo! Hot water and the Chuisuiton!�^�^�
�^�^�A... cure?�^�^� He looked somewhere between impressed and
amused. �^�^�Of course. How foolish of me.�^�^� He looked past
Ranma at his party. �^�^�If I allow your... cure, will you
return to me the Chuisuiton?�^�^�
This is pretty clear; Herb is perfectly aware that this
is NOT a cure, but does not wish to say so, either because
he is not interesting in volunteering information, or because
he doesn't want to be the one to tell Ranma just what Ranma
has just done to himself.
Twenty years passed in Nerima.
<clip>
I don't think you need more than that one sentence. (Or, rather,
"Twenty years later,...") Some of the details you give are
not used in this chapter, others can be given to us at the
point we need to know them.
Though they had tried, Ranma and Akane seemed doomed not to have
children.
Clearly the first side-effect.
something worse. He was only sick a couple of days. Did
people die from
pneumonia in just a couple of days?
People used to.
They had only arrived a few minutes after Ranma�^�^�s passing.
Getting into and out of Nerima was difficult right now.
Not clear who "they" is; the elder Saotomes, or the EMT?
And, as Hibiki-san wrote, why is it difficult to get in
and out of Nerima? The EMT would be stationed _in_ Nerima.
Lying on the bed, breathing softly, was a sixteen year
old red headed girl.
�^�^�Oh, my!�^�^�
Rather unexpected ending. Presumably something similar
will shortly happen to Genma and Ryouga as well.
Herb's reaction indicated that these consequences are bad,
though it is not yet clear how. Consider ending with
girl waking up, and first words tell readers whether or
not this _is_ Ranma, as opposed to, say, the original
girl who died in the spring, or a sixteen-year-old Ranma
who thinks she was born a girl, or whatever.
Overall, this was mildly interesting, but not compelling.
You've not really hooked me enough to keep this title
in mind and keep looking out for it, nor was reading _this_
chapter a sufficiently rewarding experience on its own:
the hook of suspense is the _only_ thing you have to
bring your readers back for Chapter 1. And, at this
point, you don't appear to me to be going anywhere
particularly interesting.
Your strong point, such as it is, seems to me your portrayal
of the relationship between Ranma and Akane, but even
here you're somewhat stock. I'd recommend you work hard
on the phrasing of the scenes between them and try for
less familiar ways of showing us their mutual affection.
Plot: basically just set-up, so we can't yet tell
Setting: Needs additional research on Chinese geography
Characterization: Could use sharpening. Pick a few characters
and do something a little more unusual with them.
Narrative Strategy: Recommend rewrite so that twenty-year
recap is brought up during the narrative flow,
instead of interrupting it.
While this C&C wasn't kind, I do hope it helps.