Warning and Disclaimer rolled into one: I do not own
these characters, though I'm certain somebody does. I
am not responsible for any keyboards ruined by the
spontaneous ejection of liquid through the nostrils,
but tell me if it happens anyway.
AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
Written by Aaron Bergman
(Ataru Moroboshi is seated in the school computer lab,
frantically
clickclickclicking on a simple mouse.)
Ataru: C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Stop bidding on this, you
stupid jerks!
(Zoom in on the computer screen, which shows a bid
screen from eBay. On
it is pictured a little black book, and below it is a
simple
description which reads "Little Big Black Book of
Women's Phone
Numbers." Zoom out again to show Lum seated at her
spaceship's computer, frantically clickclickclicking
on a fancy tigerstriped mouse.)
Lum: Baka, baka, baka! How dare you think that you can
sneak around
behind my back on the Internet? The perverts of my
culture have been
using it to go porning for generations!
(Zoom in on the screen once more, and zoom out again
to show Ryo Saeba
seated in his living room on a new-looking computer,
furtively glancing
over his shoulder as he frantically clickclickclicks
on a mouse resting
on a mousepad covered in half-naked girls.)
Ryo: No, no, no! I must have that book. My nookie for
the weekend
depends upon it!
(Zoom in and out again, this time more quickly,
revealing Kaori at a
university computer lab console, frantically
clickclickclicking on a
genero-type mouse.)
Kaori: Ha, ha, ha! What kind of an idiot do you take
me for?! 'We'll
just use the 'Net to research cases' my ass!
Fortunately, he doesn't
seem to know about access monitoring programs...
(Zoom in and out again, this time showing Happosai
seated at yet
another computer, this one a fancy laptop. He's
watching the screen
intently and chuckling.)
Happosai: What a haul, what a haul, what a haul. How
little those fools
realize I collected those numbers back in 1960...
(Zoom in on the screen to show that the current bid
stands at 104,382
yen.)
Narrator: eBay. The fastest way to get rid of unwanted
junk, because
there's a sucker born every microsecond.
(The commercial opens on a simple room, with a table
behind which
Sana-chan sits. Resting in front of Sana-chan is an
empty bowl and a
mysterious, cloth-covered object. Sana-chan looks at
the camera and
smiles.)
Sana-chan: I can remember a horrible horrible nasty
nasty time when I
wandered from breakfast cereal to breakfast cereal,
questing for one
to satisfy my daily sugar requirements. I tried
everything: Frosted
Flakes with pocky broken up and sprinkled in, Lucky
Charms in melted
triple ripple chocolate fudge ice cream, Cap'n Crunch
with Jolt Cola
poured in, anything to get my fix. I even (begins to
cry) I even sunk
to eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch! (perks up) That's
when I discovered
this! (Whips the cloth off the mysterious object,
which is revealed to
be...) Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs! With a half-cup
of sugar poured
into one bowl, I was jittering for seventeen hours!
(She holds up the
box in a display hold, a la Vana White) Chocolate
Frosted Sugar Bombs!
Part of a toxic-for-you breakfast! Horrify your
parents! Unless you
have a mother like mine, of course, in which case...
(Camera fades to black as Sana-chan keeps on talking
and talking and
talking and talking and talking and talking and
talking and talking
and...)
(Xelloss (from Slayers) and Zorak (from Space Ghost)
are seated at a bar. More than a few empty shotglasses
and beer bottles in front of them testify to the fact
that they've been there a while.)
Zorak: Why does Space Jerk get all the attention? Why
can't I have a show of my own? What does he got that I
ain't?
Xelloss: Well, aside from the obvious fact that you're
a villian and he's a hero, I think that you need a
costar to make fun of in order to really succeed in
the late-night talkshow field.
Zorak (nodding): Yes, of course, of course. (He tips
up a Red Tick Beer, then starts choking suddenly,
spraying beer all over the bar.) I just got a great
idea.
Xelloss: Can't wait to hear it, evil chum.
Zorak: We could do a show together! We're both cool,
we're both evil, we'd draw the crowds like you
wouldn't believe!
Xelloss: That is a great idea! We could call it the
Zorak and Xelloss Happy Happy Disembowelment and
Family Fun Hour!
(Scene fades to black, and Xelloss begins a
voiceover.)
Xelloss: If it had just stayed in that bar, like so
many ideas poured out of a bottle, that would've been
fine. But, as it happened, the idea was picked up by a
sponsor, and...
(He's cut off suddenly.)
Friend Computer: Watch my new show, citizens! Only
Commie mutant traitors would dare to tune into
anything else on 7:30 Fridays.
(Two women face each other on the field of battle,
wind rippling the
tall grass as it moves their hair across their faces
in an entirely
too dramatic fashion. With weapons ready, they wait
patiently for the
other to make the first move. Then, as the wind stops
in anticipation
of their words-)
Cutie Honey: I'm Cutie Honey, the Warrior of Love!
Sailor Venus: I'm the Warrior of Love, Sailor Venus!
(They stare at each other for just a moment, the
silence broken only
by the chirp of a swallow. In unison, the two stomp
their feet and
blurt out)
Cutie Honey & Sailor Venus: No, I'm the Warrior of
Love!
(Fade to black on the sounds of a major brawl. A 1-800
number flashes
on the screen.)
Narrator: Don't let this happen to you! Copyright your
catch phrases,
mystic spell chants, and incredibly cool taunts before
it's too late!
At Shaister and Theifer, we can help.
(Miki and Yuu are walking out of their school's gate
side by side,
holding hands in a sickeningly cute pda. Miki spots
several quite
obviously foreign people setting up a camera, so she
points at it.)
Miki: Let's go see what they're doing!
Yuu (shrugging): If you insist.
(Miki elbows him playfully in the gut, and Yuu doubles
over.)
Miki: I do. Let's go!
(She takes off running, with Yuu straggling behind
because it's hard
to run when you're already having trouble breathing.
When he does catch
up, Miki is trying to speak to one of the foreigners.)
Foreigner (in English): You really are almost cute
enough to be in the
commercial. Would you like to try?
Miki (in English): Imu sori, butsu mai eigo suukutsu
assu.
Yuu: You do realize what you just said, don't you?
Miki: That's the way that Micheal told me to say that
I don't speak
good English.
Yuu: He was wrong. (turns to the man and says in
English) I'm certain
my _girlfriend_ would jump at your offer, but I'll
only translate it
for her if I'm right beside her.
(Yuu glares at the man, who only shrugs and smiles.)
Man (in English): No problem, man! Just stand over
here (he guides the
both of them to a position against the wall) and look
really sad.
(Yuu whispers to Miki what they're doing, and she
does, in fact, leap
for joy. Then, they both settle down as the director
glares at them and
start looking sad. A heavy-set woman steps into the
camera angle with
them and raises a microphone to her lips.)
Sally Struthers: I'm Sally Struthers, here on behalf
of the Weird Al
Children Starving in Japan fund...
__________________________________________________
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