Scenes From An Elevator:
An Idiotic Utena Spamfic
By: Dreiser
EPISODE THIRTY SIX: Secrets Revealed
SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori
Academy where the shadows of Mikage Souji and Chida
Mamiya are seen sitting inside of it. The Sunlit Garden no
longer plays faintly in the background.
MAMIYA: (Eyes narrow.) I have a bad feeling...
MIKAGE: (Frowns.) About what? Your new outfit?
MAMIYA: (Scowls.) No, not that! About--
(Out of nowhere, a hand emerges on the floor of the
elevator and the dazed face of Tenjou Utena is seen. Her
eyes are wild and she looks, well, hella scary.)
MAMIYA: (Leaps backwards.) Utena-sama!
MIKAGE: (Looks at Mamiya.) Utena-sama?
MAMIYA: (Laughs nervously.) Never mind! (He looks
back at Utena who is pulling herself into the elevator and
is staring up at them with her scary eyes.) Uhm... what are
you doing here Utena-sam... Utena-san?
UTENA: (Stares scarily at Mamiya and Mikage.) I'm here
to train for my mission. The elevator belongs to me now.
MIKAGE: (Frowns severely. Acts butch.) I'm sorry but
you can't have the elevator, we need it! We're just minor
characters but once we got into the elevator we had a
scene no matter what every episode! Without the elevator,
we'll never be written about in this fic again!
UTENA: (Stares scarily at Mikage.) Your point being...?
(Mikage and Mamiya meet each other eyes then slowly
realize that not being written about in this particular fic is a
blessing not a curse.)
MIKAGE: (Rubs the back of his head.) Well, I guess that
we'll be leaving then. Have fun in the elevator.
MAMIYA: (Nods his head perkily.) Yes, have fun!
UTENA: (Watches scarily as Mikage and Mamiya
disappear into nothingness leaving her all alone in the
elevator.) There's nothing fun about my mission... (She
pulls a nerf dart gun out of pocket space. Her eyes glint
and she looks even more scary now.) Mark my words,
Akio. I will master the art of nerf dart gun shooting and
once I do... I will destroy you!!
(An ominous crash of thunder sounds after Utena says this
and she blinks then looks around perplexed.)
UTENA: (Murmurs.) That was weird.
SCENE: The ultra cool penthouse suite of the French Le
Ramada Inn. Arisugawa Juri and Tenoh Haruka both pace
back and forth nervously. Kaioh Michiru lies on the couch,
her eyes closed and a cold compress on her head. Kiyone
and Rapier Saris watch Juri and Haruka pace while they
take notes. Well, Kiyone takes notes and Rapier looks
cool with her hand resting on her sword. And no, there's
not any special subtextual meaning behind that statement.
Trust me on this one. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays
faintly in the background.
JURI: (Paces nervously.) We can't find her anywhere! I
run this damn convention, I should be able to find her!
HARUKA: (Paces nervously.) And we even searched the
sealed off wing where all the people from Oniisama E are
staying! Sainte-Juste attached herself to Arisugawa!
JURI: (Paces nervously.) I had to offer her chewable
Ranma 1/2 children's vitamins to pry her off me and she
still kept calling me Miya-sama!
HARUKA: (Paces nervously.) Once we managed to
escape from the hell of that wing, we ended up on the
floor where all the hentai girls were located. After that,
well, frankly, it's all a big blur.
JURI: (Paces nervously.) I can still feel their hands...
HARUKA: (Paces nervously.) And despite all of our
traumas, we couldn't find Ai! Our daughter is missing!
JURI & HARUKA: (Stop pacing and turn to face Kiyone
and Rapier.) So you have to find her!!
KIYONE: (Talks to herself. Taking notes.) Basically what
you're saying here is that Ai's lost and you can't find her...
JURI: (Expression darkens.) Don't make me take away
your non-Mihoshi time convention privileges, Kiyone.
KIYONE: (Eyes widen. Waves her hands quickly along
with the pad of notes she holds.) I take it back! I'm sorry!
I'm sure we can find Ai for you, no problem.
RAPIER: (Hand on her sword. Looks cool.) As of now I
pledge myself and the use of my blade to you, Juri-san. (In
a smooth movement, she bends down on one knee to take
Juri's hand and kiss the top of it.) No matter what, I swear
I will return Ai home safely.
JURI: (Stares at Rapier. Blushes lightly and coughs.) Yes,
well, thank you for that...
HARUKA: (Narrows eyes. Snorts then elbows Juri in the
side.) We got a missing daughter here, Arisugawa. Find a
time to flirt with knighty knight later, okay?
RAPIER: (Stands up and looks cool. Doesn't appear to
notice the conversation between Juri and Haruka. Or if she
does, she's so cool it doesn't bother her.) I think the first
place that we should visit is the scene of the crime. (She
turns to Kiyone.) Don't you agree, Detective?
KIYONE: (Nods her head firmly.) Exactly. (Shifting her
gaze, she looks over at Michiru who still lies on the couch
with a cold compress on her head.) Ms. Kaioh? You said it
happened in the lobby of the hotel?
MICHIRU: (Moves cold compress.) Yes, we were
walking through it when the mob approached us... they
soon became unruly, trying to get at Ai. I told her to
escape while she still could. The last time I saw her she
was running out of the convention after Mokona.
KIYONE: (Thoughtful tones.) Mokona... (She flips her
notepad shut with a slight thump.) All right! I know what
we have to do. To find Ai we need to find Mokona and to
find him we just have to do one thing.
(Everyone in the room looks extremely nervous except
Rapier who still has her hand on her sword.)
KIYONE: (Dramatic tones.) Talk to the Magic Knights!
(There's a loud crash as everyone falls over. Well,
everyone but Kiyone and Rapier who, of course, still has
her hand on her sword and looks as cool as ever.)
KIYONE: (Blinks.) Was it something I said?
SCENE: The lobby of the French Le Ramada Inn. An
intense battle is going on and several convention goers
watch the Sailor Senshi fight another one of their usual
stupid looking youma enemies. The Sunlit Garden no
longer plays faintly in the background.
SAILOR MOON: (Falls on her butt.) Why did this have to
happen in the middle of the most groupies contest?! I was
the sure fire winner in that since I have so many people in
love with me! (Sounds miserable.) They were going to
give me a free sandwich too... a free sandwich!
SAILOR MARS: (Twitches and glares at Sailor Moon.) Is
that all our love and worship means to you? Free food?!
SAILOR MOON: (Ponders this.) That and lots of nookie.
SAILOR MARS: (Twitches again.) That's it--!
(Sailor Mars is about to attack Sailor Moon, but probably
not since Sailor Moon would just use her wiles, when their
stupid looking youma enemy runs at her. It's almost about
to tackle when out of nowhere, a glass rose flies at the
youma and hits the ground. The glass rose shatters into
little glass pieces and some of the pieces fly into the eyes
of the youma. It screams in pain then runs away crying.)
SAILOR MOON: (Stares at the shattered rose.) Uhm...
SAILOR JUPITER: (Points towards the nearby balcony
level where people going to the restaurant on the second
floor walk.) Look! Up there! (Her expression darkens and
she mutters to herself.) My first line in this fic and it has to
be something that stupid... I hate this author...
SAILOR MERCURY: (Sympathetic tones.) At least you
got to have a line, Mako-chan. (She blinks.) Hey! I just
got one too! And it was better than yours!
SAILOR JUPITER: (Glares at Sailor Mercury then
growls.) Ami-chan... don't force me to get out the pictures
you took during your affair with Minako again...
SAILOR MERCURY: (Shivers.) No, not that!
MINAKO: (Runs past carrying a huge pile of chairs in her
hands.) HEY! You can't insult me that way! Tons of
people would like to have proof of their affair with me!
(Suddenly, a loud cough sounds and everyone stops their
conversations to look up at the balcony. Standing there in
a very cool pose is Tuxedo Kamen. Although, for some
reason, he seems different to all of them.)
TUXEDO KAMEN: (Charming smile.) Hello all.
SAILOR SENSHI: (Wear dim expressions.) What?
TUXEDO KAMEN: (A bit exasperated.) I said hello! (He
jumps down to the ground gracefully and stands in front of
Sailor Moon. With a charming smile, he pulls out another
glass rose and hands it to her.) A rose for a rose.
SAILOR MOON: (Hesitantly takes the glass rose.) Uhm...
Tuxedo Kamen-sama? Aren't you going to give your long
winded and usually lame speech?
TUXEDO KAMEN: (Husky laugh.) Of course not,
Usako. I've decided that you're right, they are lame. From
now on I'm going to be the best hunky sex slave I can be.
(He gives a glittering smile.) Just for your sake only.
SAILOR MOON: (Gets stars in her eyes.) Really? Do you
mean it? (Her face changes and she looks skeptical.) You'll
promise to ignore all other girls but me from now on? And
stop spending so much time with your roses?
TUXEDO KAMEN: (Moves closer and leans down to
gaze deeply in Sailor Moon's eyes. It's hard to tell that he's
doing this because of the mask he has on.) What other
girls? No one exists for me but you, Usako. (He twitches
slightly then mutters.) I hate any plant but Chia Pets...
SAILOR MOON: (Gets stars in her eyes again.) Oh,
Tuxedo Kamen-sama! I love you so much!!
TUXEDO KAMEN: (Moves back after being jumped on
by Sailor Moon in a fierce hug. He sounds smug.) Finally I
get what I want.... a chance to act damn smooth. The role
of Tuxedo Kamen was meant for Himemiya Anthy!
SAILOR MOON: (Pulls back to look at Tuxedo Kamen.)
Did you say something?
TUXEDO KAMEN: (Nervous laugh.) No, of course not.
(He offers his arm to her.) Why don't I take you out for a
nice dinner, Usako? I heard they have excellent French
cuisine in the hotel restaurant.
(The rest of the Sailor Senshi watch as they walk away.
Changing out of their Senshi forms, they're back in casual
clothes as they ponder what they just saw.)
HOTARU: (Thoughtful.) Is it just me or is Mamoru
suddenly a lot shorter than he used to be? And did he
always have purple hair and dark skin? (She looks over at
Chibi-usa.) What do you think, Odango-chan? Does he
look different to you?
CHIBI-USA: (Shrugs indifferently.) He just sounded more
soft spoken and feminine than usual.
PUU: (Nods in agreement.) Plus he had breasts.
(There's a long pause of silence as everyone but Puu
sweatdrops on hearing this.)
REI: (Slowly.) Did Mamoru always have breasts?
ALL: (Consider this.) Uhmmmm...
AMI: (She produces wire rim glasses from out of nowhere
and puts them on, looking cutely smart.) All of this means
one thing only! (Everyone studies Ami rather anxiously.)
Mamoru has had a sex change operation!!
(On hearing this, the entire group, except Ami, Hotaru,
and Puu all topple to the ground. The latter of the two not
falling over because they're too cool to do that.)
MAKOTO: (Warily looks up at her lover from the pile of
Sailor Moon characters she's buried in.) But Ami-chan that
doesn't explain his purple hair or dark skin.
AMI: (Holds up her index finger and beams widely.) Hair
dye and tanning salons! You know how he likes to look as
pretty as possible for Usagi.
REI: (Groans and mutters.) It does make sense... sort of...
CHIBI-USA: (Sits up and looks perplexed.) My Daddy is
my Mommy now? I don't remember that in the future...
REI: (Pats Chibi-usa on the shoulder.) Sorry kid, but the
future is never definite, you know? Things change.
MAKOTO: (Snorts.) Yeah, like Mamoru's sex.
AMI: (Bats Makoto on the arm.) Mako-chan!
MAKOTO: (Looks at Ami.) What? It was a good joke.
HOTARU: (Sighs and looks up at Puu.) I assume that
we're the only ones who realize that isn't Mamoru at all
but rather someone who's taken his place?
PUU: (Nods solemnly.) It would appear so.
HOTARU: (Watches the other Senshi bicker.) Do you
think we should tell them that?
PUU: (Arches an eyebrow.) Is it worth the trouble?
HOTARU: (Watches as Chibi-usa and Rei discuss tanning
lotion techniques.) No, probably not. Still... I wonder who
that was back there. Our new Mamoru, that is.
PUU: (Wisely.) Someone who fits the part.
HOTARU: (Stares up at Puu.) You like being mysterious,
don't you?
PUU: (Smirks.) It's the only fun part of my job
description.
SCENE: A random room in the French Le Ramada Inn.
Kiyone and Rapier Saris both stand inside, looking a bit
wary as they observe Shidou Hikaru and her harem. Oh,
and the enormously pissed off/jealous Ryuuzaki Umi is
futilely trying to get all the Anime lesbians to get away
from her girlfriend. Hououji Fuu observes all this with a
sweatdrop on her head. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays
faintly in the background.
FUU: (Sweatdropping still. She adjusts her glasses and
focuses on Kiyone and Rapier.) You're looking for Sir
Mokona, you say? Why is that?
KIYONE: (Solemn tones.) Arisugawa Tenoh Ai is missing
and she was last seen following after Mokona. We need to
ask him a few questions about her whereabouts.
RAPIER: (Hand on her sword. Looks cool and nods.)
Indeed. I've sworn to find Ai at any cost for Juri-san and I
would die before I break my promise to her.
FUU: (Blinks and looks at Kiyone. Leans closer to her and
whispers.) Uhm... are she and Juri... ehhh... you know?
KIYONE: (Whispers back.) I'm not entirely sure. It seems
like she's just naturally gallant but you never know...
FUU: (Whispers back again.) I heard that she had a
horrible obsessional love for her former king though. And
we do have a lot of straight Anime girls at this convention
for Anime lesbians for some reason. (She pauses to think
on this.) Myself included. Well, sort of, the only girl I'm
attracted to is Hikaru-chan. She's just so kawaii.
KIYONE: (Nods and whispers.) Yeah, I can understand.
Mihoshi can be awfully kawaii too when not accidentally
causing mass destruction.
RAPIER: (Clears her throat.) Are we quite finished yet?
(Kiyone and Fuu both jump apart and look nervous as they
give anxious laughs. Rapier observes them and sighs.)
RAPIER: (Hand on her sword. Looks cool. She focuses
her attention on Umi who has managed to force the last of
the Hikaru groupies out of their hotel room.) When did
you last see Mokona?
UMI: (Sits down next to Hikaru and slides an arm around
her waist, saying nonverbally 'mine'.) Yesterday when we
asked him to make us more funtime outfits.
RAPIER: (Hand on sword. Looks cool but wary as she
echoes.) Funtime outfits?
HIKARU: (Kawaii nod as she smiles.) Yes! Umi-chan and
I love to dress up like all sorts of people! Last night I got
to be Clef and she was naughty Presea--
UMI: (Clamps a hand over Hikaru's mouth. She laughs
very nervously.) Forget that you heard that.
KIYONE: (Dryly.) We'll honestly do our best.
FUU: (Sighs.) I wish that I could forget but sometimes I
end up dressing up for Hikaru-chan too.
KIYONE: (Sweatdrops.) I didn't need to hear that.
RAPIER: (Hand on her sword. Looks cool.) You haven't
seen Mokona since then?
HIKARU: (Shakes her head.) No, not at all. Sometimes he
gets like that though. Disappearing on us.
UMI: (Face darkens and she growls.) Mostly in battle...
HIKARU: (Kawaii laugh. Prods Umi gently in the side.) It
always bothers Umi-chan so much when he does that! It's
just his way though, Mokona always comes back to us.
UMI: (Says more darkly now.) Unfortunately.
KIYONE: (Looks at Rapier.) I think we've found out
everything we possibly could from them, don't you?
RAPIER: (Hand on sword. Looks cool and frowns.)
Actually, I think there's probably a great deal more we--
KIYONE: (Leans in and whispers to Rapier.) I know but I
think we should really get out of here. I mean, just look...
(Rapier follows Kiyone's gaze and observes with wide eyes
the sight of Umi and Fuu slowly undressing Hikaru.)
RAPIER: (Hand on sword. Looks cool and backs out of
the room extremely fast.) You're right, it's time to leave!
HIKARU: (Kawaii frown as she notices the door to their
room slamming shut.) I was going to ask them to join us.
UMI: (Trails her hand up Hikaru's side.) Don't worry,
Hikaru-chan...
FUU: (Kisses Hikaru's neck.) We're more than enough to
keep you satisfied...
MOKONA: (Appears out of nowhere.) Puuuuuu!!!!
UMI: (Whirls around to face Mokona. Growls.) Dammit,
Mokona! Why the hell do you show up every time we're
about to have hot group sex?!
MOKONA: (Sneaky smile.) Puuuuuu, puu puu.
FUU: (Interrupts and holds back an angry Umi.) Sir
Mokona, I feel you should know that two members of the
AniLesboCon security team were looking for you. They
want to ask you some questions about the disappearance
of Arisugawa Tenoh Ai.
HIKARU: (Blinks.) ATA! ATA on vacation!
UMI & FUU: (Stare dimly at Hikaru.) Hikaru...?
HIKARU: (Looks sheepish.) Sorry, it's just the author of
this dinky spamfic suddenly realized Ai's initials spell ATA
and there's this dorky airline commercial that says, "ATA
on vacation." For some reason she gave me the line.
AUTHOR: (Is happy for once.) It's because you're just so
kawaii, Hikaru-chan!
HIKARU: (Kawaii smile.) I am, aren't I?
UMI: (Shakes her head and grumbles.) Stupid author...
(She suddenly notices that Mokona has gone missing yet
again.) AUGH! He did it again! Every time he gets into an
illegal situation he runs off to let us take the fall! Well, this
time he's not getting away with it! I nearly had to spend a
hundred years in a Cephiro prison because of his imported
shoulder pad ring that he was operating!
FUU: (Looks at Hikaru. Smiles.) I think Umi-chan needs
someone to help calm her down, don't you?
HIKARU: (Kawaii nod.) Oh, most definitely.
UMI: (Still ranting.) And what about the time he told
Ferio I thought my sword was better than his?! I nearly
had to duel him to the death! Then there was the time he
spied on my belly dancing lesson with Tatra--(She stops in
her rant when she notices the fact that Hikaru and Fuu all
are over her.) Uhm... hi you guys.
HIKARU: (Kawaii but sexy smile.) Hi to you too.
FUU: (Calm but sexy smile.) I echo those sentiments.
(From a distance Umi can hear an enthusiastic 'puu' being
said but ignores it as Hikaru and Fuu undress her.)
SCENE: Somewhere in Ohtori. Arisugawa Tenoh Ai is
having a nice lunch with AniLesboCon Mascot, Yuriko.
The Sunlit Garden no longer plays in the background.
AI: (Smiles.) I like salad, don't you?
YURIKO: (Smiles in return.) Salad is a good thing.
(They remain in compatible silence eating their salads
when Mokona hops towards them, 'puu'-ing away.)
MOKONA: (Hops onto their table.) Puuuuu!! Puu!
AI: (Blinks.) What? Mommy Juri and Mommy Haruka are
blaming you for me being missing at the convention?
MOKONA: (Nods his head.) Puu, puu puu! PUU!
AI: (Skeptical expression.) And they sent Kiyone and
Rapier to interrupt your hot sex session with the Magic
Knights? Mokona... are you sure about that?
MOKONA: (Eyes narrow.) Puuuuu.
AI: (Holds up her hands haplessly.) All right, if you say so.
I don't know what goes on with all of you.
YURIKO: (Coughs.) Ai-chan?
AI: (Jumps up a bit and looks at Yuriko with a somewhat
apologetic face.) Yes, Yuriko-san?
YURIKO: (Points at Mokona.) What is that?
AI: (Sweatdrops.) Ehhhh... that's rather hard to explain.
YURIKO: (Frowns.) It isn't an Anime lesbian, is it?
AI: (Sweatdrops again.) No, it's definitely not that.
YURIKO: (Appears satisfied.) Because I only know
Anime lesbians and Anime would-be lesbians. You see, I
was created for AniLesboCon. Anime... things... aren't
officially a part of the convention right now. If they were
then maybe I'd know what that creature is.
MOKONA: (Insulted.) Puu puu puu!
YURIKO: (Stares at Mokona. Eyes narrow.) Oh yeah?!
Well, your Momma was a marshmallow!
AI: (Watches Yuriko and Mokona argue.) I honestly have
no idea what to say right now. So why don't we just move
onto another scene?
SCENE: Unknown location. Lucrezia Noin sits there in a
pair of jeans and t-shirt. She gives the tiniest of smiles. The
Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background.
NOIN: (Smiling still.) I look good in jeans.
SCENE: Somewhere in Ohtori. Arisugawa Tenoh Ai is
watching AniLesboCon Mascot, Yuriko, argue intensely
with the bunny thing of Satan, Mokona. The Sunlit Garden
no longer plays in the background.
AI: (Dry tones.) That wasn't what I meant and you know
it.
AUTHOR: (Giggles happily.) But it was so funny! I just
love putting random Noin scenes into the fic!
AI: (Sighs heavily.) You're way too caffeine filled and
happy right now. I'm not going to talk to you.
AUTHOR: (Bounces around.) You're so kawaii, Ai! And
you're the most superior Anime lesbian ever!
AI: (Rubs her forehead. Murmurs.) I'm starting to feel the
burden of my genetics...
AUTHOR: (Sympathetic tones.) Awww, poor baby. Do
you really want the spamfic to be over with that much? I'll
do you a favor and write the end scene starring the always
insignificant Shadow Play Girls.
AI: (Wearily.) Thank you... I think.
SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an
unusually timely and frequent sunset. The figures of the
Shadow Play Girls A-ko, B-ko, and C-ko are seen. The
Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background.
B-KO: (Rages.) The always insignificant Shadow Play
Girls?! You stupid author! I'm gonna get you for that!!
A-KO: (Sighs deeply.) Here we go again...
C-KO: (Says quietly.) Should I hide the car keys?
B-KO: (Faces them and wears an Utena-like scary
expression on her face.) Don't worry... I'm not going to
visit our dear spamfic author this time. No, instead I'll do
something far worse than merely assaulting her.
C-KO: (Shivers.) I'm getting scared...
A-KO: (Yawns.) I'm getting a cold. (She sighs again.) So
spit it out, B-ko. What are you going to do to her then?
B-KO: (Mad and slow laugh.) I'm going to tell the whole
world her most horrible secret!!
AUTHOR: (Pops up out of nowhere.) NO! NOT THAT!
B-KO: (Mad and slow laugh becomes louder and
triumphant.) Yes, that! I'll tell them what you never
wanted anyone to know! The reason behind why you're
constantly mocking the French. (Her voice is evil now.)
You've just been trying to hide the fact that... you yourself
are one of them! You're French!!
(An ominous crash of thunder and the horrified scream of
the author sounds as the scene fades to the black.)
To be continued...
All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a
nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I wrote
when extremely bored. I'll continue to write this series
when I'm extremely bored because sometimes I just feel
like being silly. In other words don't take this stinky poo
seriously. It's just for fun.
Send comments to: dreiser0@earthlink.net
The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next
time?! Will AniLesboCon (now) 2001 still be going on?!
How long will Kiyone and Rapier search for Ai?! Is Usagi
ever going to notice that Anthy really isn't her sex slave,
Mamoru?! And is the author of this dinky spamfic really
French?! Stay tuned!
Chat with me on Yahoo Messenger! My i.d. is: dreiser3
Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at:
http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/superhighway/Dreiser/
dreiser.html
To read SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fics go to:
http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/UFR/
Listen to the excellent SFAE radio production here:
http://michiru.com/utena/
AniLesboCon 2001; Because the best women are
animated: http://www.shoujoai.com/~anilesbocon/
A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION:
"It took me a month to stop calling him Tamahome."
-Yuki Miaka; Fushigi Yuugi-
NANAMI: (Blinks.) Damn. And I thought I was a bitch.
MAZE: (Nods dimly.) That is pretty mean of her. That
poor guy... uhm... what's his name?
NANAMI: (Shrugs.) Who knows? As far as she was
concerned for a month it was definitely Tamahome.
TAKA: (Wails off screen.) But I am Tamahome!! Sort of!
MAZE: (Sweatdrops.) Okay...
NANAMI: (Comforting tones.) Don't worry, you get to
sudden outbursts after awhile. It's natural here.
MAZE: (Mutters.) If anything is really natural here.