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[Ranma] [fanfic] Pool Of Drowned Ranma

Disclaimer: All Ranma-1/2 characters and plot elements used here
are in fact the property of Rumiko Takahashi and her assigns,
and are used without their knowledge or permission. This is
fan-fiction: an open fan letter in prose. Any similarities
between Happosai and G. B. Gardner are strictly legendary.

--siaru 11feb0/04apr01


----------------------------------------------------------------


"It _hurts_, old man, and that wasn't part of the deal."

Onna-Ranma had had enough of feeling like her bosom was at the
wrong end of a private gravity well. Seated on some loose trash
behind a fence, she fashioned her shawl into a rough sling,
undid her blouse and pushed Happosai over into it. He cooperated
long enough for both of them to get comfortable, then
immediately fastened back onto the exposed breast and resumed
his ministrations.

Behind her, a still-male but much-chastened Akane-kun, who had
been following at a discreet distance, came up, offering an
okonomiyaki which was silently accepted and immediately
devoured.

"What is he _doing_ in there?" 

"Nursing." Onna-Ranma looked down her exposed cleavage at the
creature attached like a particularly ugly barnacle to her
breast. "Ya don't actually think you're gonna get something outa
there, do ya?"

Happosai broke off to peer up at her. "Nothing but chi, my dear,
nothing but chi ...and that's all I need right now. Maybe if I'm
good I'll get a return-match when you get in a motherly way."

He poked his head up out of his nice warm nest to stare at
Akane-kun with a level gaze of calm contempt. "What say, Akane,
want to get Ranma-chan pregnant with that new hardware of yours
and then drown her some more? Make an old man proud and happy?"

Hearing no retort, he chuckled, ducked back down and went back
to his business.

Akane-kun heard the little suckling noises and reddened, acutely
aware that Onna-Ranma was still alive thanks solely to the
noisome creature attached to her bosom, and horribly ashamed at
having caused all this just by one little show of temper... to
say nothing of empathetically cringing from the imagined
sensations of that lech nursing at _his_ bosom.

That's when Nodoka stood up, looked around for the noise, and
stared at the small swaddled burden.

"Ranko ...who put you in this condition?" 

Onna-Ranma lowered her gaze and pointed at Akane-kun, the Keeper
of the Mallet Of Self-Righteousness and the Cause Of Her Current
Predicament. Nodoka turned and stared at Akane-kun, knowing in a
heartbeat whose (borrowed) face she was seeing. Akane-kun stared
back with widening eyes.

"Oh, my manly son!" 

The naked katana still waved in the uncertain hands of the
gifted amateur, attracting attention as nearby deadly threats
are wont to do. Said gifted amateur was approaching, arms
outstretched, the presence of the katana in one hand momentarily
forgotten in this flush of tender motherly pride.

To Akane-kun, however, who was now sure that somehow the katana
was going to be put to work in a matter of moments avenging the
honor of Nodoka's currently-female "manly son", the katana was not
to be ignored. Akane-kun did the only sensible thing possible
under the circumstances: he panicked, turned and ran.

Nodoka stopped and shook her head admiringly at the retreating
view of her supposed son's back. "Yes, well, I suppose you must
be about your manly work, there are other maidens out there
yet."

Even Happosai paused and rolled his eyes at that one.

###

Three male Ranmas, one in standard-issue red-and-black, the
other two in various ladies' sleepwear, paused on a street
corner to confer.

"She's never going to forgive me -- she thinks I got her son
pregnant!"

"Now, Akane, we'll just have to explain to her what happened..."

"And how do we do that without getting Ranma killed? She's got
that sword of hers, she might use it on Ranma!"

"What's the matter, Akane, you don't like competition in the
Let's-Kill-Ranma department?"

"Nabiki!!"

"No, Kasumi, I... I deserve it. This is all my fault."

"Well..."

"Well, it is! He died... I killed him... and I can't get over
how empty I'd feel if he'd stayed dead." He shook his head. "I
can only hope I haven't lost him already. Not that I'd blame
him. And I'm not even a girl now."

"None of us are. Let's get this straightened out as much as we
can, get our own shapes back, get our house back in order, and
then I'll help you fix things up with Ranma... for a price."

"Thanks, Nabiki..."

"But you'd better mean it about changing your ways. None of us
can stand any more of this, and that includes Ranma. Oops,
enough of that, here comes company."

Two more Ranma-kuns strolled up, one in a 'yaki-seller's outfit,
the other in a silk pantsuit.

"Let me guess... you're Shampoo."

The silk-clad Ranma nodded. "Great-grandmother say find out what
make koi pond cursed, where Airen."

Ukyo-kun grimaced. "Don't you have tables to tend at your
restaurant?"

"Mousse do that in girl form, not even need glasses. Look like
Airen girl, so so cute. You got hot water? Great-grandmother say
hurry find out, no have time to get change."

"Okay, c'mon back to Ucchan's, then, if I can get us inside we
can all sit down and talk this out." 

###

Five temporary Ranma-kuns stood in an impatient semicircle
around the front door of Ucchan's watching Onna-Ryoga at work
trying to take down the barricade of rocks she had put up in
front of the door. With her reduced upper-body musculature, it
was nowhere near as easy as it had been to put them on the
doorsill in the first place, and these five were in good shape
to get physically unpleasant about something like taking fifteen
minutes or more to boil some canal water.

"Is the window open?" 

"No, I keep it locked from the inside." 

"So there's no way in until Ryoga gets her rocks off?" 

"Let's go back to the dojo, maybe the smell has gone away." 

"Was worse when Shampoo go by." 

Ukyo-kun remembered something. "I think I left the back door
unlocked. Let's go -- last one there has to lead Ryoga-chan in
by the hand through the front window!"

"Ewwwwww!"

There might have been argument just then about the nature of the
booby prize, but the starting gun for this particular footrace
turned out to be, not the thought of enjoying good clean hot
water while avoiding the aromatic Ryoga, but Onna-Ryoga herself,
who had gotten frustrated trying to use her umbrella to pry
loose the boulders than kept her from the badly-needed hot
shower waiting within, and resorted to something more immediate.

"Bakusai Tenketsu!"

Some of the exploding bits of boulder found their way to
newly-discovered bits of male anatomy, suddenly educating them
all as to why this particular assault on manhood was widely
regarded as a Forbidden Technique. Mindful of how many boulders
remained unexploded, they ran.

###

The panda hunched over and began erasing itself from sight with
the Umisen-Ken, smirking at its cleverness as much as a panda
could smirk. After all, what good were Forbidden Techniques if
everyone else learned how to use them?

It was the work of a moment and some sharp claws for it to tear
the small padlock off the door. It fumbled with the doorknob,
then just shouldered the door open in a display of its own best
martial artistry.

Inside, it found the ingredients for okonomiyaki ready on
a counter. Beneath were utensils and grill supplies. In a back
room it found the supply room for Ucchan's. Foodstuffs were
everywhere. A shelf held large jars of Ukyo's secret 'yaki
sauce. Truly this was a gift from the gods, this wealth of food
it had found.

More to the point, it found her stash of saki, and, for the sake
of economy of motion, consumed it on the spot. What that might
have done to any normal panda is unknown. What it had done to
this Jusenkyo panda was to eliminate most second thoughts,
inhibitions, and pangs of guilt or conscience, along with a good
deal of its judgement and balance and most of its capacity for
pain. This last was per plan: if the katana-wielding wife were
to run it down now, at least it wouldn't feel that lethal blow.
Quite as much, anyway.

This made decisions difficult, however. It seized an unopened
jar of Ukyo's secret sauce, that which made her 'yakis so
delicious as far as it knew, but there were no okonomiyakis to
put it on. Easily enough solved: steal the sauce now, and show
up periodically to swipe the 'yakis. Besides, no telling when
Ukyo might return with her omnipresent weaponry to make life
difficult.

With that decision made, and forgetting that the plan made no
provision for immediate provisions, the panda let itself out the
back door of Ucchan's, still cloaking, and lumbered off down the
alley. On hearing a noise and seeing five Ranmas coming around the
corner and heading towards it, it upped its speed to a flat-out
run, losing its stealth cloaking in the process. Not only did
the boy usually violently object to such thievery, this time he
had brought spares.

"Hey, isn't that Ranchan's old man?"

"Sure is. What's he been doing in your store?"

"Panda-man only think of tummy, now run, must have take
something."

"Hey jackass! What'd you steal from me?"

"We get him, no?"

"We get him _*yes*_. Come on!"

Nodoka noticed the panda as it swept back past on the other side
of the fence. It must be running towards its master and food; if
she kept it in sight, it might lead her to her husband and
explanations of her son's very evident manliness. Blade held
high for safety, she took off running, hastening toward a gap in
the fence where she could intercept the animal. She would find
her husband now; she could sense that, could almost sense his
nearness.

"Dearest! At last!"

In the midst of running, the drunken panda heard this and was
also distracted by the glint of sunlight on a nearby gleaming
katana blade; gleaming, as in, unsheathed, naked, sharp and
ready to do very unpleasant things to martial artists suspected
of being not-so-honorable. The panda stumbled, lost its clawed
grip on the jar of 'yaki sauce, lunged to grab it, lost its
footing and went sprawling. Stunned, it felt sharp pains where
the broken glass was cutting into its belly, and thought to its
drunken self that some kind of instant seppuku had begun already
and not bothered to notify it in time for it to wrap up its
worldly affairs, have one last game of shogi, or maybe swim to
Borneo. Teary-eyed at this untimely end to an otherwise
exemplary life, and not daring to move as its personal Angel Of
Divine Retribution climbed over the fence and stepped down and
stood on its back, it lay waiting for the mercy-stroke.

"Uh-oh..."

At the end of the alley, the rear end of a panda lay in a large
and spreading pool of reddish liquid. The panda was not moving.
At all.

Nodoka spun into view, one foot still on the rump of the prone
panda whose bulk hid its still-resident head from view, her
katana held ready at bisection height.

"Oh, my, Mr. Saotome..."

"I.. I guess he paid for everything." Ukyo-kun began to turn a
bit green.

"We look like Airen, maybe we next? No can fight in this weak
male body!"

Five male-looking Ranmas mostly in not-very-manly costume
somehow came to a zero-inertia halt seeming inches from this
premature-finish-line. This had nothing to do with promises made
by wandering martial artists, well, not much maybe, but more
immediately it had to do with protecting certain newly-acquired
proven-sensitive bits of anatomy from the dire edge of that
blade... but it looked suspicious. And they knew it. Especially
since there were five of them. So, five male Ranmas backed up
slowly, then quickly, then turned and ran, retreating to their
individual shelters. Still with one foot on the rump of the
frozen panda, Nodoka stared in amazement, the sword forgotten
and drooping. "What magic has my son used to mature his babies
so quickly?"

Behind the fence sat one female Ranma with aged papoose, slowly
shaking her head, beginning to suspect that her
currently-fragile grip on reality was in fact hereditary.

After a minute or so of total inaction on the part of the panda,
Nodoka turned to prodding the animal with the point of the
sword. "Get up, you animal. I want to see who's been keeping
you, then we'll see what's to be done with you."

At this, the panda roused. She hadn't killed it yet, now if it
could avoid leading her back to the Tendo place there was a
chance that she wouldn't discover the boy's other shape; that
was the real danger. She had known her groom was a charming
scoundrel when she married him; it was the boy whose part-time
unmanliness was lethal to disclose.  

Its raid on Ucchan's was a bust, literally. That left the
Nekohanten as the other known eating place where the Tendos had
a tab. Perhaps it could get something to eat on the way past,
while leading her away from the area. Or maybe it should lead
her out of the area first so it could enjoy its meal whenever it
might find one. 

With the target settled, it resumed its lumbering pace down the
alley and up the street, closely pursued by its unknowing wife,
who kept prodding it whenever its pace slackened or its path was
getting too blatantly hairpinned.

Onna-Ranma waited for the noise of her parents' passage to
subside, then got up and headed for home by way of Ucchan's.
However surreal it might be at the Tendo place, it was worse out
here.

###

The three Tendo usually-sisters had returned home quite some
time ago after some a leisurely lunch and some shopping. The
house was still too aromatic for use, so they more-or-less took
up temporary residence in the dojo, where Soun was already
napping. Even with its proximity to the fragrant bathroom corner
of the house, it was less upsetting to contemplate than the koi
pond.

Over in the front yard, Kasumi-kun had politely negotiated the
use of a neighbor's garden hose, and was now happily heating a
kettle of water on a small hibachi. Presently Nabiki-kun
returned from using the same neighbor's phone to make
arrangements for repairs, and then both of them used the first
kettleful of hot water to return to their accustomed femininity,
and the second to indulge in sponge baths, while Akane-kun with
his less-sensitive male nose plied the ladder to fetch clothing
through their bedroom windows. The third kettleful was his
alone, and then finally all three of them were not only girls
again, but smelling like it and dressed like it. 

Through all of this, nobody had thought to stand guard at the
koi pond. In fact, all the Tendos were avoiding looking at it or
thinking about it as much as humanly possible.

###

It had taken Sasuke most of the morning and a great deal of
playing tethered-goat to get Midorigame out of his pool and into
the Kuno limo. It took still more effort, though much less time,
to insinuate him into the Tendo koi pond without inadvertently
becoming Gator Chow, so Sasuke was understandably reluctant to
stick around to admire his handiwork. Besides, notwithstanding
his loyalty to the Kuno siblings (he was their manservant, after
all, and he'd done the dirty work of moving the bloody animal
from point A to point B) he couldn't help but have some regrets
for what was sure to happen. The Tendos had always been somewhat
respectful of him.

Still, the project had been long in the making and costly to
implement (panda meat was quite expensive, as befitted an
endangered species), and not to be derailed over a minor issue
of personal feelings. The alligator had been snacking on panda
meat for the last month or so, to the point where he preferred
it to human (a less endangered but more expensive meat, even for
the Kuno clan). Now he was ready to go to war to do away with
that nasty part-time panda that kept cluttering up the playing
field with more fiancees for darling Ranma-sama... purely in the
spirit of the best Kuno sportsmanship, of course, the same kind
of sportsmanship that brings military rifles and infrared
imaging to deer hunting instead of flint-tipped spears.

Even a shadow warrior had some standards, though, even one who
would tolerate working for the Kunos, so Sasuke was eager to be
done with the whole business and go back to more straightforward
lurking and spying.
 
Thus it was that Sasuke somehow missed the fact that a
25-foot-long alligator somehow became a five-foot-tall redhead
girl. Or perhaps that was because the redhead immediately sunk
back into the pool with only her eyes and her bangs showing,
occasionally rising to expose her nostrils for a breath. The koi
noticed when the redhead started snapping at them as they swam
past, but eventually forgot about it after she seized one in her
mouth, started choking on it and spat it out, and thereafter
pointedly ignored them. Onna-Gator settled down to wait for
panda-flesh.

Some hours later, it was a freshly washed and feminized Akane
who next encountered Miss Turtle, who was by now getting hungry
enough that panda was an option rather than a requirement.

When she noticed that Onna-Midorigame was on all fours and
naked, she immediately dismissed the sight with a huffy "not
again" and sat down to pointedly ignore everything but her
hurriedly-retrieved manga; she'd deal with that cuter-than-thou
catgirl when she was good and ready.

The mistaken identity started to get noticed when the nude
redhead, instead of climbing up in her lap and purring and
licking her face until it fell asleep, proceeded to bite her in
the thigh, _hard_, and then try to use that leverage to drag her
back to the pool with it.

When Akane screamed in pain and rage and jumped away, Kasumi had
come around from the hibachi with her kettle. She stood
watching for a moment. "Oh my, I don't think Ranma-kun likes you
anymore, Akane. I did warn you about striking out in anger."

She poured out some of the hot water. The resultant 25-foot
alligator started moving towards Akane again, jaws agape. Akane
shrieked and headed for the relatively-less-threatening koi
pond. Kasumi stood for a moment, eyes wide. "Goodness, Akane, I
think you've _really_ gotten onto Ranma's bad side!" 

Soun had looked out of the dojo at the first scream. By the time
the supposed-Neko-Ranma became a reptile, he was running, shinai
in hand. He, Akane and Midorigame reached the pond's edge at
roughly the same time. Akane furiously scooped and splashed up
great sprays of water at the reptile just as Soun jammed the
shinai into the beast's jaws. Midorigame with jaws propped open
suddenly became a girl-Ranma-lookalike with a shinai sticking up
through its redheaded skull. It shuddered and went limp, its
open gaze going glassy.

Akane stared at the sight of something-like-Ranma being
something-like-dead yet again, and lost her composure, her
balance and her lunch. She-now-he sat in the redecorated pond,
sobbing "I'm sorry, Ranma, I'm sorry, please be alive, I'm
sorry..." He looked up as a looks-like-Onna-Ranma in a brown gi
raised her hand to Kasumi: "Kasumi, dear, could we have some hot
water over here?" 

"...Who... Dad?" 

Kasumi arrived with the kettle. The alive-and-breathing redhead
lost a pigtail and gained a mustache and a foot of height. He
looked over at Akane-kun, glaring. "Akane?" 

"Y-y-y-yes, Dad?" 

"Stop killing your fiance. That's an order." 

"But... this time it was you!" 

"I don't go around turning people into cursed koi ponds, Akane.
If this keeps up, all our koi are going to want to marry you. Or
Ranma. Or someone." He looked down at the redheaded corpse and
sighed. "Kasumi, we need to turn that thing back into an
alligator before somebody gets arrested for murder."

"Oh, my... Yes, that could be taken the wrong way." 

"Wait until I get my axe, in case it hasn't made up its mind to
be dead yet."

Akane-kun stood up and clambered out of the koi pond, tugging on
an errant bra-strap, trying to stop the pinching. Male
mammaries, though vestigial, could be hurt if the straps were
tight enough and torqued the wrong way. "Kasumi, could I--"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Akane-kun, I've only got enough for this
alligator, you'll have to wait for the next kettleful. You don't
want to have to stare at a dead Ranma for ten minutes, now, do
you?" 

Akane-kun took one look down at the cursed corpse and promptly
bent over and got rid of the leftovers. Wiping his mouth, he
staggered away towards the dojo, pointedly avoiding looking back
at the dead onna-reptile, trying not to sob too loudly.

Soun arrived with his axe, and Kasumi poured the rest of the hot
water onto the corpse, which immediately resumed being an
alligator with a shinai through its brain. They watched it for a
long moment, but it didn't even twitch. Soun decapitated it
anyway to be safe.

Kasumi stood looking down at the corpse. "I suppose I should see
about alligator recipes for dinner, father, I don't think this
will keep too long."

"You're a good household manager, Kasumi, but I don't think
anybody will want to eat that. What if it turns back into Ranma
when you cook it?"

"Oh, my, that could be unpleasant... and Ranma might take it the
wrong way. He's already been killed once today."

###

Kasumi straightened up when the kettle started emitting the
first signs of steam.

Taro casually reached down over the wall, seized the kettle
between thumb and forefinger and so took it from the startled
Kasumi, and poured its contents down onto his enormous head. He
immediately vanished down behind the wall. In a moment the
kettle sailed up over the wall to clatter against the dojo.
Kasumi shook her head and went to fetch it; some of Happosai's
guests were not very polite or proper. 

"Akane-kun, I'm afraid it's going to be another ten minutes
yet."

As a small team of plumbers arrived in plastic HazMat suits to
confer with Nabiki, Kasumi went to fill the kettle again.

###

At the Nekohanten, the panda had, by its reckoning, found fresh
trouble in the form of a redheaded waitress. Why the boy would
be serving tables here in cursed form when there was no Phoenix
Pill to be had was a wonder, but if Nodoka noticed her and tied
her to Mister Panda, her presence could be enough to bring the
whole subterfuge down. There could be no leisurely dining here,
this would have to be strictly drive-through. Especially with
Nodoka tagging along and whacking it with a sheathed sword to
try to drive it back out of the restaurant.

Fortunately, the panda found a likely diner who probably
wouldn't mind sharing a meal, or at least one who was fair game
for involuntarily contributing one: one Pansuto Taro. The boy
owed him one for his missing breakfast, after all. Even better,
the boy had just had his dinner served; there were two full
bowls of noodles before him. Surely he wouldn't mind sharing
one. The panda hooked two sets of claws onto the rim of the bowl
and pulled.

With Taro glaring and grasping at the bowl in question, the
panda was just beginning to rethink its strategy, when the bowl
slipped from Taro's grasp, upended and decorated the panda with
hot ramen and broth. Immediately a naked Genma seized a nearby
pitcher of water and recloaked himself in pandahood, hoping
Nodoka wouldn't notice the momentary lapse in furriness.

Fortunately, Nodoka immediately had other things on her mind,
namely the enormous Taro-beast now crowding her back out through
the suddenly-shattered front facade of the restaurant. As the
diners behind it scrambled to escape from their upended tables
at the rear end, she was at the front end being stared down by
an extremely irate bovine face, the owner of which was firmly
convinced that she had herded the panda over to its table just
to ruin its meal. It was reaching out an enormous hand to her as
she turned and headed for home at a fast but dignified clip, now
convinced that, bad as it was to be stuck with the bill for a
panda's bamboo shoots, she couldn't afford to be friendly with a
beast that size if it meant she'd end up paying to feed it.

Behind her, the Taro-beast grumbled inarticulately to itself as
it watched the panda, the other bowl of ramen in its paws, head
the other way and duck into a low entryway. It needed hot water
before dinner anyway.  

###

The plumbers were gathered over against the corner of the house
closest to the bathroom, hunched or crouched, watching as one of
their number did righteous battle with something that extruded
two protoplasmic arms whenever one was cut off. Behind them, one
of their number was giving first aid to another whose HazMat
suit had been partially ripped from his chest and whose
discarded boots were still dissolving. Prismatic gleams of light
flickered across the caustic substance which coated them.

The kettle began to steam. Kasumi stood up from where she was
swabbing cups and plates, but a very large hand got there first.
The Taro-beast poured the kettle's contents over its head and
vanished behind the compound wall. A moment later, the kettle
sailed into the yard again, clattering loudly against the dojo.

"Another ten minutes, Akane-kun!"

###

Mousse-chan was in no mood for troublemakers, so, when the
ever-smirking Pantyhose Taro strolled up, peered into the dusty
hole which was now the main entrance to the Nekohanten, and
haughtily demanded two replacement bowls of ramen for the two
that he'd been unable to enjoy at the restaurant before, she
took one look at his smug face, mentally calculated just how
much of him was still outside the place, and nailed him in the
face with a pitcherful of iced tea. Besides, she thought as she
watched the beast lumber away for hot water, she was going
to be saddled with the job of making temporary repairs on the
front wall of the place after the diners went home.

###
   
The plumbers had suited up Soun with as much HazMat gear as they
could spare. It looked damned silly on top of his full suit of
armor, but no one was in any mood to giggle. They had three men
down, one with light wounds, and five who, thanks to someone
leaving a dead alligator lying around to trip over, were now
cute identical red-headed teenage girls who no longer thought
about much of anything except what the hell they were going to
tell their wives. They'd already called in the last three
reinforcements, and they were still losing the battle with
that... whatever it was. Next time Nabiki Tendo called for
plumber service, they'd be sure to negotiate combat pay clauses.

All of them watched nervously as Soun crawled laboriously under
the house, the head of his naginata gaily decorated with paper
spirit wards, and began to hack away at the thing that might yet
escape into the greater Tokyo sewer system to spawn, after which
no one would dare sit or squat over a toilet again. The path of
a martial artist was fraught with peril.

Soun and the plumbers were not the only ones who thought they
might be in peril. The kettle was just starting to emit the
faintest wisp of vapor when a large hand descended, seized it
between thumb and forefinger and rose, leaving a startled Kasumi
gaping. The Taro-beast poured the water on its head, then stood
there unshrunk for a moment, said something exceedingly nasty in
Beast, backhanded off all the major branches of an innocent
cherry tree in retaliation against reality, dropped the empty
kettle at Kasumi's feet, leaned over and, folding its arms on
the top of the compound wall, glared down at the pitiful
hibachi while its tentacles fidgeted. It glowered at Kasumi,
who glanced up into its enormous nightmare face, nervously
picked up the kettle and got up to fill it from the garden hose.

"A-Another twenty minutes, Akane-kun!"  

###

The plumbers were just pulling Soun out from under the house
feet-first, spraying him from both sides as he emerged with a
mix of antiseptic and fungicide and, just to be safe, Tidi-Bowl
and holy water, when the kettle sailed over the compound wall
again to clatter against the dojo. Kasumi shuddered, wiped her
brow, and got up to fill it again. Over on the other side of the
wall, a reanthropomorphicized Taro strode purposefully down the
street, intent on getting his meal of ramen, dammit.

He almost made it. He would have, except the day was warm and
cloudless, and the streets were likely to be dusty in the
afternoons, and the neighborhood was a settled one with its
share of elderly women, and Ibuki-san wasn't the only one with a
ladle.

###

Kasumi just sat back by her hibachi and watched. As the kettle
started to emit vapor, a giant hand reached down over the
compound wall, only to be batted away by five teenage redhead
girls wearing torn-up HazMat gear and oversized coveralls, armed
with various sharp pointy bits of medieval martial weaponry and
an electric cattle prod which last saw use keeping pit bulls
away from the plumbing. One of the girls grabbed the kettle, the
five of them bunched their heads together, and all of them
resumed being men. The kettle clattered against the nozzle of
the garden hose, momentarily sending cold spray all around.

Kasumi-kun wearily shrugged, tugged his peasant dress into the
new alignment, and went to refill it.

Akane-kun just sat on the dojo steps, hugging his knees, and
watched and leaked tears.

###

Happosai poked his head up out of the improvised sling. "Ranma,
m'boy, how do you feel about having me doing this to you?"

"Truthfully? I embarrasses the hell outa me, and bugs me about
as much... but it's paying back a debt, so I'm just thinking of
it as something I have to do out of personal honor." She
shrugged. "I just kinda ignore it."

"Fehh... that's no good. If you don't get mad at me or ashamed
or afraid or aroused, if you're not reacting to what I'm doing
to your female form... then all I get from you is the male
energies of your mind. I can't use that." Happosai nimbly leaped
down out of the sling and stood facing Onna-Ranma. "Well, m'boy,
you're off the hook. You paid me back better than I expected;
you can go change if you want. Now I think I'll see what I can
get from all your girl lookalikes while they last."

"Whaaa... while they last?"

"Well, yeah, that pool isn't a Jusenkyo spring, it's just got
some Jusenkyo water to help it along. I expect the curses will
wear off in a few days... so I'd better get moving before they
go back to normal. Where'd that pig-boy of yours go? He's so
proud of how tough he is, I bet he'll be _fun_ to grope in a
girly sort of way. He might not even fade! Heehee!"

A stunned Onna-Ranma pointed vaguely in the direction of
_out-there_, and Happosai was off like a shot, evidently
recovered from his labors. 

Actually, he only traveled about fifty feet before he was
snagged out of the air like a wrinkled fly ball by a very large
infielder named Taro, presently in his
explosion-in-an-action-figure-factory shape. The conversation
which followed was brief and to the point.

"Mruooomphmhermnaaahhhm!" 

"No way. You botched the deal, you brought me the wrong water.
If you want your name changed so bad, change it yourself."

"_MRUMVoooGHEEEVAAAAAHHHHHHH_!!" 

"You can try, Pantyhose, you can try!"

At that point Happosai twisted free of Taro's grasp and used
three different painful points on Taro's giant anatomy as
jumping points up to a springboard-jump off his bovine snout, to
resume his airborne mission to seek out new Onna-Ranmas in need
of expert cuddling, coincidentally sending Taro backward over
the compound wall into the yard to land on his head with his
horns locked in the soil.

Taro cracked open one giant eyeball in time to see Onna-Ranma
raising Kasumi's kettle over her head, preparing at long last to
use a share of it to assume the male form. Even upside-down, he
managed to seize the kettle and pour it onto his own face,
denying Ranma the change and assuming a shape which could bully
with words. He tossed the empty kettle back at the still-female
Ranma, who caught it glumly and handed it off to Kasumi-kun, who
went back to his spigot and hibachi, calling out to the dojo,
"another ten minutes yet, Akane-kun!"

"Well, if it isn't the poster-boy for breastfeeding. The old man
give ya a thrill?"

"Back off, cowboy, I don't need this." 

"What if I don't feel like backing off? Thanks to you my name
didn't get changed."

"It was your dumb mistake, not mine. Now -- back -- OFF!"

"Hey, if it's a fight you want, I can give you one you'll never
forget!"

Taro went over to the koi pond, knelt down and stuck his head in
the water, mentally ready to take to the skies and play
dive-bomber. Then, rather than exploding out of the water, he
slowly slid in the rest of the way. He had been trying to go in
the direction of Big and Bad; Nature, Murphy and Jusenkyo had
other ideas, and gently migrated him in the direction of Petite,
Pert and Cute. Taro _hated_ Cute, especially as applied to...
herself. Onna-Taro rolled over and sat up in the water and
glumly surveyed her new accoutrements. She was sure that those
big bumps were going to stretch her dragonskin vest all out of
shape. 

"Arrggh, I forgot about the pond. I'm never gonna live this
down, this is worse than my name."

"What was that, fem-boy?"

"Who you calling a fem-boy, fem-boy?"

"Who _you_ calling a fem-boy, fem-boy?"

"You, fem-boy, that's who!"

"Yeah, fem-boy?"

"Arrrgh, I can't even hold a decent conversation now!"

"Like you ever could. Wanna hand up, or ya wanna sit there and
cry awhile?"

"Who's crying, fem-boy?"

"Didn't we settle that, Pantyhose fem-boy?"

"Fem... I'll kill you!"

"Not unless you're a magical girl now, fem-boy."

"I can still take you out!"

In nothing flat, Onna-Ranma was through Onna-Taro's defenses and
pushing her up against the wall, her other fist cocked and
ready. "You don't get it, do you? You ain't big-muscle anymore.
You've got two shapes, punk guy and cute girl. You're used to
turning all bad-and-ugly in cold water, and you've lost that...
so until you can get your girl shape into shape, maybe you
shouldn't be trying to piss off people you might need as
friends."

"Friends like you? Fehhh."

"Without friends like me, you'd have no friends at all. Nobody
else can stand your mouth."

"So? I don't need friends, I can take what I... umm, yeah..."

Onna-Ranma let her down and turned away. "C'mon, let's see about
getting some hot water. When things settle down, I'll help you
train that body if ya want, so you can defend yourself when it
rains."

"This sucks. Maybe I'll just go hide somewhere."

"It won't work, man. Nobody's gonna let you just walk away, you
hafta be able to defend yourself when you look like this,
everybody goes nuts over it, even you did."

"Naww, I just liked to pick on you cuz it got under your skin." 

"And you think you won't get just as much from everyone else?
Get used to it, and learn to fight back, that's all I can say."

"You don't think it'll wear off?"

"The old pervert said something about the pond stuff fading, so
ya might get yer old shape back, but ya can't count on it, I
dunno if it applies to people that're already cursed."

###

Nabiki-kun arrived home from his quick visit to survey the
Nekohanten's new ventilation, quite thoroughly convinced that
the little old ladies with the ladles were practitioners of some
obscure water-based martial art, and probably coordinated by
cel-phone. Three times! That was adding insult to injury to...
something else.

The aroma had been all but banished from the house, thanks to
the expert work of the plumbers and whoever had also provided
them with the HazMat suits. Only in the bathroom and under the
house was the smell still noticeable. The family moved back
indoors.

While Nabiki-kun finished the transaction with the departing
plumbers, listening carefully to the muffled voices from their
HazMat suits, on those who still had them, Akane-kun was being a
loud nuisance, repeatedly asking, "It's fixed? Can I change
now?"

Nabiki-kun grimaced and pointed towards the kitchen, then turned
back to the plumbers, having traded his place in the hot-water
line for some relative quiet.


***

Kasumi had just finished pouring hot water on her own head when
the two redheads showed up in the kitchen. Kasumi took one
scowling look at the female Ranma wearing the dragonskin vest,
turned to the one wearing the shawl, smiled and said,
"Ranma-kun, would you care for some hot water?" and poured
enough for a change. As Ranma stretched into his male muscles
for the first time in nearly a day, Kasumi then stared at the
other girl whose hand was still outstretched towards the kettle,
holding the kettle well back.

Onna-Taro met Kasumi's gaze. "So I don't get any, huh?"

"You do; but this time you have to ask politely."

"Awright, I'm asking. Please. Jeez."

Poit! "Very well, but I expect better of you next time..." The
last of the kettleful went to restoring Taro to manliness. He
immediately stretched and cracked his knuckles. "Saotome..."

"..and no fighting in the house, unless you like cold baths in
the koi pond."

"Umm, no... that won't be necessary..."

Akane-kun ran in, eyes alight. "My turn, Kasumi?"

"Another ten minutes, Akane-kun."

Kasumi refilled the kettle and set it back on the flame while
Akane-kun settled into a good stiff pout.

Nabiki-kun walked in and pointed at the kettle. "I'm first in
line on that." He turned to Ranma. "Don't get too happy yet,
Saotome. The plumbers have done all they're going to do..."

"So the bathroom and plumbing are all fixed now, right?"  

"All but the sewer pipe underneath. The plumbers won't touch
that without combat pay; that stuff tried to crawl out and bite
'em while they were fixing the toilet, and it got worse from
there. They think it's dead now, at least Daddy does, but that
leaves the pipe. You two guys broke it, you're martial artists,
you have to fix it."

"Whaaat? He squirted me!!"

"Just c'mon, man, let's go." He dumped half a cup of cold water
over his head, holding out the rest for Taro to do the same.

"Why?"

"It's real tight under the house, it's a lot easier to move
around if you're smaller."

Taro sighed and resumed being cute and female, while Onna-Ranma
took the bucket of supplies Nabiki-kun was holding.

"Just how're we supposed to fix that pipe? We don't have any of
the right tools and there's no replacement pipe."

"That's been taken care of. Look, you use this stuff to scrub
off as much crud as you can from the original pipe, then you
patch it with this. Don't get the glue on you, it'll burn your
skin."

"This isn't exactly how it's supposed to be done, is it?"

"The right people have already been persuaded not to notice. Do
you want to pay for having it done right, Ranma? Besides, around
Nerima they kinda ignore that sort of thing, they figure it's just
going to get broken again before long. Clean off the pipe, glue
on the patch, fill in the little holes with this gunk and you're
done. Don't make more work for yourself."

###

Onna-Ranma inhaled sharply at the sheer pungency of the stench
and pinched her nose to make it less sensitive. Even after most
of a day, with a decent breeze to dissipate it, it was hard to
take. Behind her, Onna-Taro sneezed and gagged. "What... what
made that smell? I don't think I could handle it in my old
shape."

"Your old shape wouldn't fit under here anyway. And it's Akane's
cooking."

"And you _live_ here... you're worse off than I thought."

"Heh, sometimes she makes it especially for me, thinks she's
doing me a favor, if ya can believe that."

"Why don't you just leave?"

"I told ya, you can't get away with that looking like this, it
just doesn't work. Besides, this is the only real home I can
remember, and at least she ain't too put off by my curse; maybe
you can relate to that."

"You mean my name?"

"Yeah."

"You might be right. But you can still leave."

"You have any idea how often I get chased around by -- damn!
Stop it! That hurts!" That, on being slapped in the chest by the
flat of a bokken. Onna-Ranma scooted further under the house.
Onna-Taro was next. "Hey!"

One would think that being huddled under the floorboards of a
house, enveloped in a ghastly smog and encumbered with hardware
cloth and epoxy in the pursuit of honest work would constitute
sanctuary of some sort. Especially when you were twins. Not to
the Kunos, though. Especially when you were twins.

"My fiery goddess! Come to me!" That, while, identity
pseudoconfirmed by bokken-probe, Onna-Taro was now being jabbed
with a bouquet of roses. Even though the roses were red, the
thorns hurt just as much, even through the vest.

"Umm... I can't, I'm stuck here." Onna-Taro needed more practice
in the verbal fencing required for dealing with Tatewaki Kuno.
Behind her, Onna-Ranma grimaced; that kind of an opening could
only make things worse.

"Then I shall pry you loose and thus rescue you... what, now
there are two of you!" This, on jabbing Taro repeatedly with the
tip of the bokken, largely in the chest, until she fell flat.
Immediately, Onna-Ranma was driven to fending off another
bouquet of roses plucked from thin air. "I must have you both!"

"Not until you've released my Ranma-sama!" That, accompanied by
the bullwhip crack of a metallized ribbon wielded by Kodachi,
smacking against... well, you know. "And what have you harridans
done with my turtle?"

Upstairs in the bathroom, someone chose that moment to flush the
toilet. Over the usual sounds of swirling plunging waters and
the unusual sound of fluids hissing and spurting from the gaps
in the pipe, a voice, perhaps Nabiki's, floated down. "Oops,
sorry, I forgot!" Two redheads glowered in sympathy at each
other. This time they were lucky, though; the streams of
magically-enhanced blackwater largely missed them, in favor of...

"Phfaugh! What is this vile stench! What have I done to you, my
goddesses, to suffer such?" Then he thought, and then leered.
"Or might this be a subtle invitation to adjourn to the bath
with the two of you?"

"You impudent peasants! Wash this foulness off me at once!"

An upraised eyebrow from one redhead, a smirking nod from the
other, and then two Kunos were hustled out from under the house,
escorted around the corner and deposited none too gently in the
koi pond. As expected, they immediately lost interest in
harrassing the two reluctant plumbers as soon as their eyes lit
on each other.

"Get - off! Get - off! Get - ooog!"

That last was Onna-Ryoga, who was staggering over, having just
discovered that repeatedly punching someone affixed to the
tender parts of one's chest, if that someone was as nimble as
Happosai, could be risky. It didn't help that, while she was
tenderly cupping one injured part, the old gnome was now
not-so-tenderly cupping the other one and giving her what on
other faces might have been an affectionate smile but on this
one looked more like a deaths-head with wrinkles. She sidled up
to the nearby female redheads, hoping to get the parasite to
leap to a fresher host. When that didn't work, she abandoned
caution and started running full-force-frontal into anything
nearby and big, ignoring the conversation in the pond.

"You again! What have you done with my brother, you vile
trollop?"

"Saotome, I have discovered you! Your evil stops now!"

After all, if they were too self-involved to discover the truth
about Ranma's variations in shape through all these months, why
should they deign to notice their own? 

"My evil? You witch, I'll deal with you as I should have done
long since, you and your pet!"

"My pet? Vile sorceror, I'll destroy you, and your panda too!"

This was, of course, when the panda arrived, having finally made
sure it had ditched Nodoka, only to be set upon by several of
its son. It was completely and thoroughly fed up with all the
pseudo-Ranmas, annoyed no end at not knowing who any particular
one of them was, and besides, it was peckish from having missed
two meals in a row. When the female Ranma with the gnome
attached rammed into it, it belly-rammed her right back, sending
her sprawling. When a male Ranma threatened it with a ribbon and
a female one threatened it with a wooden sword, it roared, drew
itself up to its full height, spread its upper limbs wide and
clobbered the two together. The noise of their skulls colliding
was meaty, definite and satisfying.

Akane-chan, still steaming from her return to femininity,
rounded the corner from the dojo and immediately saw a fit
target for all her recent frustrations. She had no idea who the
two Ranmas presently falling limply from its forelimbs might be,
and she didn't care. If that jerk hadn't taken his son to
Jyusenkyo, if he hadn't suckered all those people into multiple
engagements, if he hadn't signed _her_ up to marry his son
before she was even _born_ --"

"This is all your fault! _*Panda no baka*_!"

Akane shoved the panda _hard_ and jumped back far enough to
avoid the great splash. For once, she was sure she was doing the
right thing in being forceful and violent, and she was damn well
going to enjoy the sensation of certainty. That damn panda was
going to find out what everybody else had been putting up with.

The panda sat up in the pond, holding up a sign: [And that's
supposed to do exactly what?]

Akane stared and sat down heavily onto Ryoga's wet backpack. She
didn't notice the wet Happosai who emerged behind her and looked
at her thoughtfully for a moment before shaking his head. She
didn't think to look for where Onna-Ryoga might've gone, she was
too preoccupied with her turbulent feelings. 

On the one hand, this was a grave disappointment, that panda
_needed_ to be cursed to look like Onna-Ranma for awhile, needed
to deal with all the people he had set loose on Ranma in the
first place. On the other hand, if the panda didn't change, that
meant...

Akane sat pouring handful after handful of cold pond water onto
her still-female head, giggling hysterically. Behind her, a
small black pig was doing its living best to escape from its
clothing and her presence undetected, something hard to do
considering the sheer weight of the backpack it was suddenly
buried beneath. The panda shrugged at the mystery, then put its
sign away, got its ponderous bulk up out of the pond, and
stumbled off in search of something far more important, food,
accompanied by the sodden gnome.

Meanwhile, having finally finished with the patch, Onna-Ranma
and Onna-Taro were now commiserating in the bathroom as they
cleaned off the too-affectionate slime mold.

"I told ya to be careful of letting anything hit ya in the
boobs. You wouldn't think it, but it hurts. He can do some
real damage with that bokken of his if you're not careful."

Two buckets poured cold water down onto two equally-shapely
redheaded female forms. Soaping began.

"Yeah, yeah... what pisses me off is the way he got the idea that
I _wanted_ to be his girlfriend just 'cause he brought flowers.
Talk about lame..."

"You see what I mean about my curse... what it does to you isn't
nothing compared to what everybody else does to you because of
it."

Two buckets poured hot water down onto two forms which ceased to
be identical and became male. They looked at each other and
themselves. Akane's cooking was maliciously persistent; another
round of scrubbing was needed.   

"I never thought I'd say it, but I can see your point, and
you're right. Wish I had my old curse back, they wouldn't dare
pull that kinda thing on me then."

"Well, look on the bright side... nothing else can go wrong,
can it?"
 
Two buckets poured cold water down onto two human male forms.  

Onna-Ranma looked at the furry flank of the enormous
multispecies shape suddenly overflowing the bathroom in all
directions and forcing her out the door. She backed slowly away,
heedless of her nudity, shaking her head and looking around
wide-eyed for any witnesses, suddenly sure that backup would
arrive momentarily and it wouldn't be on her side.
 
"No, no, no, no... not again..."


----------------------------------------------------------------

end part 2 of 2

C&C welcome: FFML-R, siaru@stormbringer.org


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