Ranma 1/2 is the sole property of Rumiko Takahashi and all of the companies
that have licensed it.

Ranma, You Dog You!

This was initially to be an entry in an "Iron-Chef" sort of challenge, in a
"Butt" parody manner.  Fortunately for all, that particular challenge failed
to gain enough entrants to ever see the light of day.  Unfortunately for
all, I liked this idea enough to resurrect it and unpolish it enough for the
FFML. 

I usually stick to stories with a more serious vein running through them.
However, my muse ran out of blood and I needed to try something else.
Lastly, please send any remarks to allenmk@gte.net  Please do not reply to
sender, this is not my personal email address.

And, now for something completely different...

****************************

Osciir sat sipping a Sprite, wondering what would drop by for his latest
challenge.  Hearing a noise, she looked towards the entrance of its lair.  

"Hello?  Is this where I come for Fanfic challenges?"  A rather large man
ambled through the entrance.  He smiled as he spotted Osciir.  "Osciir, I
presume?  It's nice to meet you."  He paused with a perplexed expression as
he looked at the other.  "I'm sorry to be so rude, but should I refer to you
as a he or a she?" 

With a slow smile, Osciir languidly leaned over and placed her fingertip on
his upper lip and thought for a second.  "Yes!"  It then clapped its hands
in excitement.  

Taking the opportunity given it, the Sprite, whose real name was Fred, took
flight. 

Stunned, the man just stood and looked at his host, hostess, or host-being.


Stuttering a little, he began hesitantly, "I've got an entry for your
contest.  You do have a contest going on don't you?  I want to compete for
the Iron Chef of Fusions!  And, boy do I have a beaut!"  With this last
statement, the author smiled ingratiatingly towards the godlet.

"What is it?"  Osciir walked over to her guest and pulled him into a gentle
hug as he asked, "What is it about?  Hmm?"

"Ah, It's," here the guest pulled away from the embrace with ill-disguised
disgust, "a fusion between Ranma and the old, yet classic, UnderDog show."

"I don't like dogs, too much.  They can be so, bitchy.  You know what I
mean?"  Osciir languidly followed the other, keeping within touching
distance.

"Well, these will be characters that are fused together.  You'll like it."

"Will there be any sex in it?" The only being in the sexually ambiguous
being asked while inspecting its claws with feigned disinterest.

With a loud exclamation, the author proudly stated, "No, I never write
lemons!"

"A pity that."  Osciir replied with what would have been a cute moue on
anyone else.  On him, it went past creepy, yet not all they way to
terrifying.  It could be best described as being in New York City during a
mugger's convention.  

"Well, let's get started okay?  Where's your well?"  The stranger scanned
the area and didn't see one.

"I'm afraid you're confusing me with someone else.  If you want to
manipulate a time stream or two in my domain, you have to use the mystic
porcelain goddess.  Here let me show you the way." She grabbed the would-be
author's hand and skipped over to a corner of his dimension letting her tail
swish suggestively behind him.  The tail was trying its level best to
suggest that the man leave, but unfortunately, he batted it away instead.  

A few seconds later they stood in front of a classic toilet.  "I call her
John."  Osciir gave it a loving pat on its top.  

"I'm sure you do.  Now how do I make my changes."  The author decided to
just make the best of it and get the heck out of there. 

"Just drop your little story into John and flush.  She'll do all the work."
Osciir smiled at her guest's discomfort.  "Here let me.  Why don't you just
close your eyes and wait until everything has been flushed through?"   He
took the manuscript from the man and placed it in the bowl with a splash.
She cast a quick glance at her guest and saw that he had his eyes squeezed
shut.  Looking for her Sprite, he realized it had escaped.  Pouting for a
second, Osciir waited for an idea to appear.  When it did, she jumped on top
of it to make sure it couldn't escape, made it tell him what it was and then
let it go.  With a snicker, he poured some Olde English Lemon Oil on top of
the floating manuscript.  "Oopsie!  I spilled a little of my polishing oil."
He flushed the handle.  "Well, a little lemon has never hurt anything, has
it?"  She smiled cheerily at his guest.

With a sinking feeling, the man watched his work swirl around before it
dissolved.  "Oh, great," he muttered.

***

Welcome to Tokyo City.   

A city that has its share of problems, but with the help of its Great
Spirit, whose name is Minor Deity, a name it really hates, always bounces
back from any calamity.  Looking down its main street, one sees a typical
city with skyscraper office buildings nestled up against one and two story
homes and the occasional mad scientist's lair. Oh and people, you'd see many
people walking by.  

The city boasts a diverse population.  It's easy to find people whose
ancestry shines through today.  There's a German Shepherd, proudly guarding
the money on the First National Banks armored car.  Look, that bicycle
courier is a Rhodesian Ridgeback.  You'll find a Sharpei fresh from China
working in most of the Chinese restaurants.   Fortunately, there is little
in the way of breed snobbishness as most of the citizens here show a
mongrelized past.  

Yes, Tokyo City is a very peaceful place.  However, whenever evil threatens
or looms, especially when it looms Shag carpets, there is one name all in
the city call upon; one person for whom the passion of Truth, Justice, and
the Anime Way has never dimmed.  That person is Under Dog.  No one knows who
he really is.  

"Thank you, Shoe Shine boy.  You always are nice, kind, and helpful."  The
older man said as he threw the young man a coin.  

"Thank you, kind sir."  The brown furred individual with black floppy ears
and a big black nose bowed his head in acknowledgment as he surreptitiously
checked the coin to see if it was counterfeit or not.  As it wasn't, he
placed it into the pocket of his brown vest when a flash of light erupted
around him.  

Nobody noticed as the quiet and shy Shoe Shine boy passed out on the
sidewalk. 

For a moment it looked as if two photo negatives had been placed together
over the body.  The Shoe Shine boy's body was there, but there was also the
figure of a young Asian man wearing a red silk vest and black silk pants.
Both fuzzed in and out of focus until they seemed to merge.  What was left
was a young looking 
Akitu Inu mixed mongrel wearing a red vest and brown trousers.  His ears
were now peaked in the rounded triangle figure that matched the Akitu breed.
His fur however, remained the same brown as before.  

As he struggled up, he shook his head.  "Damn, what the hell happened.  The
last thing I remember is Happosai throwing another of his Happo-Fire
Bursts."   He shook off his dizziness and stood up just as another customer
came up.

"Shoe Shine Boy?  I'd like a shine."  The man placed his left shoe on top of
the box used for that purpose. 

"Huh, I'm not a ."  he paused as the memories of Shoe Shine Boy came
flooding into his head.  "Oh, man.  I'm a walking, talking dog.  Great. Just
great," he mumbled to himself before answering.  "I'm sorry, but I'm not
feeling well.  I'm gonna go home."

"I'm sorry to hear that."  The man said with some sadness.  "Since you've
always been so helpful and kind, I'm going to give you the two-bits anyway.
I hope you feel better soon."

"Bless you, sir."  A bemused look fell across his features as he called that
out to the man. He wondered why he had said that and then remembered that he
always said that. 

He quickly packed his equipment and started walking.  It was only then that
he realized that there was no home to go to.  Not only could he not go to
the Tendou's home, as Shoe Shine boy, he was a street person.  Ears
drooping, he searched for a bridge that he could sleep under.

It was then that Ranma heard a faint whisper of a song.  It started his
heart racing.  What he heard was, "Oh where, oh where, has that jerk Ranma
gone. Oh where, oh where, can he be?"  Akane?  He stopped short, ears
pricked at attention, and looked around until he spotted a telephone booth.
Running now, he jumped into it, closing the door behind him.  In less than a
second, a large explosion completely blew the small booth apart. 

Amid the smoke, dust, and rubble, Ranma stood coughing.  On his legs, he
wore a very loose pair of black cotton pants with sewn on booties, covering
his chest and arms a red cotton shirt with a big back "U" on the front waved
baggily in the wind, completing his look a silken black cape flapped lazily
behind him. 

"I've gotta figure out a better way of changing," he thought to himself.   

He tried to run, but found himself strangely posing as he bravely spoke,
"When Akane's in trouble, I am not slow, it's hip, hip, hip, and away I go."
That said, he started flying towards the source of the singing.  

"Wow, I'm flying.  This is great!"  He smiled happily as he flew.  He
frowned as he came in sight of his destination.  It was the lair of the
evil, perfidious fiend, Simon Bar..., no that wasn't right anymore, is it?
It was the lair of Happy Go Lucky.  A short, perverted man of science who
always either wanted to take over the world or own every pair of used
panties in the city.  

"Heh, I could beat Happy in my sleep.  This will be easy."  He landed softly
and meekly then ripped the front door off of its hinges.  

"I heard Sweet Akane's call, 
 I flew swiftly, even through the wall.
 If trouble she's in, 
 then I'll go to evil's den.
 To save my Sweet Akane PureBreed,
 I will make Happy wish he were dead," he winced at the bad verse that came
spilling from his mouth.  He thought with a shudder that he sounded almost
like Kuno.  

He strode through the home until he found a door marked, "Secret Laboratory
- Super Heroes Stay Out."  Immediately deducing that Happy must be inside
holding the hapless Akane PureBreed captive, Ranma Dog gently opened the
door.  

"Her call was heard,
 but not by a bird.
 To save Sweet Akane PureBreed from evil's claw,
 I am here to read you the law!"  He shouted at Happy.

He paused to look around.  He was in a very large underground lab.  It was
at least 100 feet by 50 feet.  On one end, chained and inside a 3 foot
square, 8 foot high chamber, Sweet Akane sat bound and gagged.  In front of
the chamber, a key lay on a small wooden table.  Next to her cabinet, an
empty cabinet with its door open sat.  In the middle of the room, a large
ray gun of some sort pointed at his Sweet Akane.  On the far side of the
room, Happy's head could just be seen poking over the edge of a control
panel.  

"Glad you could make it, Ranma Dog," cackled the fiend.  "You have a choice
to make my friend.  You can fight and defeat me, but cause poor Sweet Akane
PureBreed to become changed by my little machine here.  It's a gender
bending machine.  Used on a female, she'll become male and vice versa.  Or,
you could enter into the chamber next to hers and I'll allow her to go
free."

Normally, Ranma would have already been fighting Happy, but the instincts of
UnderDog were strong.  Faced with the situation of either beating up Happy
and allowing Akane to be hurt in some way or saving her and allowing Happy
his way, he knew that there really was no choice to be made.

His shoulders slumped and he began walking to the empty nook.

"While being male is what I desire,
 Seeing Sweet Akane as a guy doesn't light my fire.
 If to free her, accepting defeat is the bill,
 Gratefully pay it, I will."  Ranma Dog winced as the words came out of his
mouth.  

As he slowly moved forward, he watched as his Sweet Akane tried desperately
to free herself from Happy's bindings.  A light blue glow began surrounding
her as she fought.  Ranma Dog looked at her with a hang-dog smile and closed
the door of the box he was to sit in.  As it closed and locked, he saw the
door to his Sweet Akane's cage open and her hopping out towards the table. 

"At last!  I have won.  As soon as I press this lever, Ranma Dog, you shall
bother me no more.  You see there are gradations on the scale that I could
use.  On your Sweet Akane, I was merely going to barely switch her body.
She would have been a male, but her thoughts and mind would have still been
female.  With you however, I'm moving the lever past the neutral position,
past East European swimmer, past woman, past girl, all the way to
girly-girl."  The dialed clicked into place and he pressed the button.  The
ray shot out from the gun just as Sweet Akane unlocked the last of her
chains.  

"No, stop it you fiend!" she yelled at Happy.  The ray turned off and both
she and Happy looked into the interior of the cabinet where Ranma Dog had
been sitting.  A dazed looking Irish Setter mix-breed mutt sat stunned.
Looking down at herself, she screamed, "Oh my God! Like, OH MY GOD! Oh, My
God, Oh, My God.  What idiot dreamed up this costume!  It's horrid!  And
this ring!  It's so, so big and mannish looking."  She quickly took off the
ring with a "U" crest on it, started to take off her costume, looked under
her top, crossed her arms over herself, and started weeping.

"There, there, my dear," cackled Happy happily.  "I can take care of your
problem.  I happen to have quite a collection of little darling things for
you to try on.  If you'll come through the door and go into my parlor,
you'll find many, much more stylish things for you to try on.  Take your
time, I'll be busy using my ray on the world.  I'll become the only man in
the world!  I'll have all the panties that I want and will rule the world in
one sweep of my ray!" 

Ranma Dog ran whimpering to where Happy told her the clothes would be.  

Sweet Akane stood, looking between the door where Ranma Dog had fled and
where Happy sat.  

Suddenly a voice began speaking, "Who will save the world from Happy's evil
scheme?  What will happen to Ranma Dog?  What will she wear?  What will
Sweet Akane do now that Ranma Dog no longer can protect her?  Find out all
these answers and more, next time on the Ranma Dog show!"

"Where'd that  voice come from?"  Akane's angry voiced shouted as the scene
went dark.

***

A motionless globe is seen.  Suddenly, a hand darts into the picture and
spins the globe.  Martial music begins playing as the title of the segment
is displayed.

"The Worlds of Samurai McBragg"

The scene expands showing that the globe is sitting upon a desk set within a
comfortable looking sitting room.  In the room, settled comfortably into two
Queen Anne armchairs were two people.  The man was tall, thin and wearing
the garb of a samurai warrior.  The woman was wearing a kimono of a cut and
of fabric that told anyone that here was one of noble birth.

"Have I ever told you the story of how I single-handedly defeated the hordes
of the Saotome clan this morning?"  The samurai asked.

"No, I can't say that you have, Tatewaki.  Err, how many people does it tae
to make a horde?"  Nabiki Tendo answered in a very disinterested tone.

"Very well, since you are verily begging for the tale, I shall tell you.
There I was standing, standing under the lone tree in the Furinkan school
yard, when who should I spy but your sister Akane Tendo entering through the
gate, no doubt to run to me and profess her undying love."

"Yeah, right."  Nabiki sniffed, then took a sip of her tea.  "I was there.
It was a school day and we all had to be there."  Smacking her lips together
slowly, Nabiki then asked, "Your sister didn't make the tea did she?"

"Humph."  Ignoring her question, he rambled on, "As I was saying, she began
to run towards my position but was rudely grabbed and shoved backwards by
the fiend, Ranma Saotome.  Naturally, I could not stand to see any woman so
roughly handled and I ran forward to challenge the man."

"Actually, I thought that they both spotted you and turned their backs on
you."

"I'm the one telling this tale, please attend to your listening.  As I
arrived, I quickly drew my faithful bokken and began dueling him.  Because
of his slovenly training habits and my own peerless regimen, I soon reduced
him to begging my forgiveness.  I told him, Nay, that he should apologize to
the fair Akane for restraining her in such a rude, boorish manner."

"If I remember correctly, Tatewaki, you ran forward, drew your bokken, and
got kicked in the face by Akane.  Ranma never got the chance to talk with
you."

"For the last time, this is my story.  I shall tell it as my memory, which
has never been proven false, attests.  He refused to apologize to her and
looking around gained strength.  Whilst I fought him, the members of his
tribe had crept around us and I found myself surrounded with no means of
escape."

"Okay, Okay.  Tell the 'story' your way.  It was at this point that the
other arriving students had given the three of you a circle to fight in.
For the most part, they were ignoring all of you."  Nabiki smirked at him.

Tatewaki whipped out a contract, handed her a microscope, and directed her
to look at the final period.  Impatiently, he waited for her to finish
looking.  He then tossed a script her way.  "Would you like to restate your
last comment?"

"Hmm, let's see.  Here it is.  Oh my, how ever did you escape, Samurai?"

"That's better.  I quickly looked at my adversaries and with my keen
intellect knew immediately what to do.  I quickly told them that they faced
a true Samurai and that the odds of their survival in any fight with me
would be very slim, very slim indeed."

In a deadpan, evenly paced voice, Nabiki interjected,
"That.was.very.brave.of.you...What.happened.next.Question.Mark."  

"Well, I stood, ready for anything, and the true terror of facing a warrior
of my caliber overcame them all and they all ran away."

"I can't believe that I actually signed that stupid contract without seeing
that clause 32 in subsection 46 of statement 5."  Nabiki murmured to herself
before being nudged by Tatewaki.  "Amazing story, Samurai.  Simply amazing."
She continued in a mutter, "The bell rang you idiot, and everyone had to go
to class."

***

"So what do you think?"  the aspiring author asked.  "The opportunities are
endless.  Soun Tendo and Genma Saotome could be Soun Tuxedo and Horsey
Walrus.  Of course, Doctor Tofu would be the professor.  I could find
something or somebody for all of them to fuse with."

"I was looking for something a little more lemon/limey, if you know what I
mean." Osciir said sadly.

"Well, I cut off the episode a little early.  I don't write lemons,
remember?"  The man smirked at his little victory.  

The smirk irritated Osciir and he decided that her guest needed to be taught
a lesson.  "Well, if you don't write lemons, I guess that's that.  Oh by the
way, don't look up."  

Her guest immediately looked up and heard a snap of fingers.  He jumped as a
large volume of water appeared overhead.  Too late to move, he was drenched.
"What's the big..."

"It makes me mad when people trick me.  So to cool myself off, I decided you
needed a shower."  Osciir sidled up to the author, appearing a trifle taller
for some reason.  "A Jusenkyou shower to be precise."  Osciir purred in
delight. 

A mirror appeared before the startled man.      

"Allow me to present to you the first victim of spring of drowned
Hermaphrodite.  Tragic story of Hermaphroditic writer who drowned in spring
25 minutes ago.  It truly is a tragic story, no?"  Osciir laughed at her
little joke.  "Oh, and here's the really funny part, this Jusenkyo water is
from the plane where the curses are permanent.  Hehe!"

"AUGH!" was the screamed reply as Osciir's guest looked at him/her/itself.  

"You know, cutey,"  Osciir sidled up to her new special playmate.  "You
could almost say that you were made for me.  In fact, I will.  So what
should I call you?  How about Snookums?  hehe" 

	     .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'