"Flores, Stiffanie Junne K." wrote:

Brief introduction:  This is an "alternate future" story.  Imagine, for the
time being, what would happen if Ranma left Ryugenzawa right after Akane
slaps him (for fighting with Shinnosuke)?  What would happen if he never
fought the Orochi, never came back home to Nerima with Akane?  What would
happen if he just left, thinking that Akane loves Shinnosuke?

You might want to delete this explanatory text and let your story stand on its
own. I for one would rather discover all of this in the course of reading the
story than be told about it beforehand.

Not that she didn't want to see her family.  Her family missed her and often
demanded that she come home more often, but school was so far away that
she'd had to live on campus, and that meant she could come back to Nerima
only in the summer when school let out.  But she had deliberately chosen a
school far away from home.  There were just too many painful memories in
store for her here.

RANMA: Besides, it was the only place where you could pass the admission test.

AKANE: Shut up!

It was bad enough, those last two years of high school, when she would
wander the streets of Nerima and see reflections of him every where she

everywhere

But as she'd gotten out of the cab and stepped inside the Tendo dojo, the

IMO, Akane would probably be taking a bus or something like that. From what I
understand, public transportation is plentiful in Japan, and Akane as a student
probably doesn't have all that much money to throw around on taxis.

This year was no exception.  Even after five years, thinking of him and how
he had left her still brought her the same sense of utter desolation.  Even
in her own home, she was assuaged by memories - memories of her chasing him

"Assauge" means to mitigate or lessen something; probably not the word for what
you intended here. "Assaulted," maybe. Also, you might want to get rid of the
passive phrasing: Even in her own home, memories assaulted her - memories of....

She was happy for her sister.  No one had thought that Dr. Tofu would
finally get over his nervousness enough to propose marriage to Kasumi.  But
he had.  Theirs was a long and steady relationship, but it took a couple of
years before Kasumi finally felt ready to leave her family, so that she
could pursue her own happiness with Dr. Tofu.

KASUMI: Well, at that time I had no choice. Eight months later--

AKANE: I don't think we need to hear about this.

Wishes do come true, she thought.  How many times had she wished she'd never
laid eyes on Saotome Ranma?  He used to make her so angry, and she'd hit him
over his head, shouting...

"Baka!"

Suggest "Dummy!" or "Idiot!" or "Jerk!" English fanfics are best written in
English. :)

"If you're too stubborn to listen to reason, then I give up!" the young man
exploded, glaring angrily at the young woman in front of him.

"Are you implying that it's my fault?" the girl snapped, her eyes blazing.

The guy threw up his hands.  "Maybe!"

GIRL: I just want you to tell me who's on first!

MAN: Yes!

GIRL: Yes WHAT?

MAN: No! I told you, What's on second!

"Where were you?" Nabiki asked.

"I left a note," Akane began.  "I went to Ryu..."

Nabiki waved a hand dismissively.  "I know that.  But what took you this
long?  Ranma's already home."

AKANE: Well, you see, when Ranma left, Ryoga and I had to fight the Orochi by
ourselves, and he got eaten, and then....

NABIKI: Enough of your excuses!

He stared back, his eyes infinitely sad.  "I... I can't to marry you,

Take out "to," unless this is Ranma's mistake.

They went down the stairs together, just like strangers walking beside each
other in a hall.  The talk with their fathers was uneventful.  As expected,
the Soun and Genma put up a fight, but even they knew they never really had

  ^^^
Take out the.

With one last look, he turned and walked away, and Akane stared after him,
until he turned the corner and disappeared from her life forever.  He didn't
even turn around for a last look.

Finally, she crumpled to the ground, her entire body shaking with sobs.

SOUN: At last! My daughter is taking after her father! Oh, happy day!

(You might want to have her go back to her room to do this, or something like
that. I could see her breaking down like this, but not really in front of other
people.)

She sighed heavily.  If only it was that easy.  It wasn't as if she hadn't
*tried*.  But no man she'd ever met had ever made her feel quite the same
way, as she'd once felt for Ranma.  No one had even come close.

You don't need the comma there.
 

Akane handed her ticket to the station personnel and walked past her, going

"Personnel" is plural, so she either needs to walk past *them,* or you need to
use a different word.

A gust of wind blew past her face, and Akane ran a hand through her short
hair as the train came into the station, blocking her view of the people in
the opposite platform.  She watched as the doors opened, and passengers got

people *on* the opposite platform, I think that should be.

GEORGE CARLIN: Let the daredevils get *on* the plane. I'm getting IN the plane!

off the train, before the people waiting on the platforms began to board the
train.

Suggest: to board, or to board it.	(Too many repetitive mentions of "train" here
for my taste.)

For five years, in her weakest moments, she'd dreamed of this, of being able
to see him again, and finally tell him what he'd meant to her, what he'd
*always* meant to her, all these years... Of how empty she'd felt, without
him, and how she'd waited for a love, a love so strong and enduring, it
would completely eclipse those feelings she'd once had for him, so long
ago...

And then, he smiled...  And Akane felt hope bloom in her heart.

Maybe she wouldn't have to wait after all.

Well, if that's it, and all they had to do was meet accidentally and they're
back together with nothing more to work out between them, it was way too easy
for my taste. I don't mind happy endings at all, but I do mind endings where the
characters don't have to overcome any sort of challenge or personal limitations
to get there. But (especially considering that this was marked as part one ^_^)
I suspect that this isn't the case here, so I'll look forward to seeing this
continue. As always, nicely written with some good descriptions of Akane's
feelings.


Gary
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