Hello again :)

I would like to give a bit of help. Of course, since I'm so new at c&c, it's probably not too great of help at all, so please don't take any of it too seriously.

Troy

The Slayers: Reward

Chapter 9: Relax. A Moment to Recoup.

By: Lord Archive

The Slayers belong to Hajime Kanazaka, Rui Araizumi, TV Tokyo, SOFTX,
Software Sculptures Ltd., and many others. I do not own them. I'm only
borrowing them. I'll return them as quickly as I can since Lina and
Gourry are eating away bank account.

This begins a few months after Slayers: Try. There are a few spoilers in
this; I won't specifically explain anything, but I will refer to them.
If you don't want even vague spoilers, I suggest that you don't read
this.

Lime Warning: The reason why this warning is here is very evident in
this chapter. Sexual comments WILL be made in this part, but nothing
descriptive.

-------------------*

A casual observer would view the table as an all out brawl over every
last morsel of food. For those who knew the chief two combatants, the
battle was actually quite tame. The surprise of surprises was when
Gourry and Lina fed each other meatballs.

Here, you're saying the 'table (is) an all out brawl', which from a reader's POV makes little sense since they've never seen a table fight anything in their lives ;P Well, I've never at least...

A quick rewording can create something like: A casual observer would view the activity around the table as an all out brawl over every last morsel of food.

"Are they always like this?" Ravven asked.

Zelgadis shook his head. "Normally they're not that civilized."

Amelia sighed dreamily. "And they've never fed each other before
either."

Both Lina and Gourry went to the plate heaping with spaghetti and forked
over a large helping of noodles. They both slurped a rather long noodle
strand.

This paragraph makes little sense as it is...It reads like Gourry and Lina are heaped with noodles.

A bit of playing around might create something like:
Both Lina and Gourry attacked the noodle-heaped plate and then forked over to each other a large helping of noodles.

However, I'm uncertain whether I've caught the feel you wanted to show since what I suggested is what I thought you were (trying to show).

<snip>

Ravven chuckled. "Or what? You don't have a right to keep other guys
away from her yet. What commitment does she have to you, none? And why?
Because you're afraid. Well, I'm not afraid to take a chance."

What commitment does she have to you? None.

<snip>

Lina glance back at Zelgadis. "All right, what's the next plan? We're
out of Gemi before any nobles showed up and spotted Amelia. But I don't
have any leads for your cure."

Okay, blame my lack of familiarity with the earlier chapters, but this last paragraph has me confused. I think it's because: 'We're out of Gemi before any nobles showed up and spotted Amelia.' It's all the different tense changes in that line.

It would probably work better like:
We get out of Gemi before any nobles show up and spot Amelia.
That is, if they're still hanging around in Gemi...
or
We were out of Gemi before any nobles showed up and spotted Amelia.
If they'd already left there.

<snip>

Zelgadis nodded and picked up his sword. "Should've expected that. Just
be careful, Gourry. Without the Sword of Light, your not much good
against a mazoku."

I was looking for another mistake :)
Without the Sword of Light, you're not much good...

"I'll just do everything that I can." Gourry smacked Zelgadis on both
cheeks with the flat of his blade. 

Zelgadis smirked. "And somehow I think that'll be enough, even if you
can't hurt a mazoku."

"Thanks." Gourry brought the pummel of his sword down on Zelgadis's
head.

Zelgadis collapsed to the ground. "OW! So maybe you can hurt a mazoku."



-------------------*

Xellos's notes:

Stay tuned for the next wonderful chapter staring me, Xellos! As I
finally join Lina's rag tag bunch and play a game of twenty stupid
questions.

As for the Blast Sword, no Gourry doesn't have it. Archive put in the
reference since his next Slayers series, The Slayers: Finesse, will not
follow Try continuity, but more of the novel continuity with an anime
slant to them. 

-- 
-Lord Archive	http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Fuji/9061/anime.html

Keep people on their toes. Commit random acts of insanity.

Nice job. Keep it up :) Hopefully before the next chapter, I can catch up with the series.

Troy

***

Check out my webpage:
http://www.crosswinds.net/~silentnova/index.html

I archive, write, link, and do almost all the wonderful things fanfic writers like. Check it out, today.
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