Coutuva <coutuva@vecdev.com> wrote:

Check out my Romanji Page!  All those Japanese words defined!

Just write your story in English, for lack of God's sake. I don't want
to have to keep flipping between the story and a glossary every time I
come across a Japanese word I don't recognize. Gratuitous Japanese
doesn't give a story a Japanese flavor; only accurate cultural details
can do that. It's nothing bua an annoyance. Don't use it.

As always, C&C is anticipated, accepted, and appreciated.

As always, people who appreciate C&C ought to do some themselves once in
a while. :)

	When she'd finished in the bathroom and started to wash
up, she happened to look at herself in the mirror, and grimaced
at the sight of her hair.  As she reached up and ran her fingers
through the unruly tangle, she tsked at herself for not
remembering to put in a ribbon.

He uses the dragon's whisker, not a ribbon, and it's hard to think how
his hair could've gotten tangled while bound into its pigtail.

	That was when it hit her.
	She'd been male when she went to bed.
	"Okay...  Something's weird here," she stated out loud,
a frown darkening her features.  Just to be sure, she thought
back over the events of the previous night, starting from the
last fight she and her Pop had.

Don't capitalize relations when not used as a name.

last fight he and Pop had had.

or

last fight he and his pop had had.

Note the had had -- the fight happened before the current moment in
narration, so use the past perfect tense.

	"You were right, Ranma.  You did do some damage.  Your
lateral abdominal muscle has at least a three centimeter tear,
and your left oblique has one about half of that," Dr. Tofuu
confirmed, his face clinical.

I believe that's either Tofu or Toufuu, depending on whether you use the
extra-u romanization.

	"But how doc?" he winced from the table, even the act

how, Doc?" He

(When a speaker identifies the person(s) spoken to, offset the
identification by a comma. Capitalize titles when used as a name. And
presumably he's just wincing, not wincing the line of dialog (I don't
think the latter would make much sense.)

	"No, that's it.  If you're not going to get those fixed,
then there's no dressing needed, and unless you want pain meds, 
there's nothing more I can do."

I don't think Tofu would even be qualified to dispense pain meds if
Ranma did want them. More likely he could offer some sort of anti-pain
pressure point or acupuncture.

       After the initial furore over the news had passed, the
rest of the day turned out to be fairly routine, except for the
fact that his usual tormentors had mercy on him.  Even Akane had
been civil, but made up for it by delighting in the chance to
'make sure he didn't aggravate his injury'.

Actually, he and Akane get along reasonably well most of the time,
unless and until the current storyline gives them something to fight
about. They don't argue for no particular reason in the manga the way
they do in fanfics. Her teasing him about the injury *is* something I
could see, but her civility coming as a surprise to him smacks of fanfic
cliche.

	Nabiki had been away all night at a friend's house, even
though he thought she'd spent it sealed in her room, and Shampoo

I'm not clear on the POV here. Is an omniscient narrator telling us that
what Ranma thought was wrong? Or did Ranma think one thing at first and
change his mind later?

	As he carefully moved to the mirror to retie his
still-damp hair, he happened to catch a glimpse of himself from
the side.  What he saw made him look again.

Ranma generally leaves his hair tied in the bath. (Unless this is set
after the dragon's hair story in vol. 15, he'd have to, otherwise it
would start to grow uncontrollably.)

	"Well anyway, sugar, it sure sounds like someone's out
to get you, but I haven't heard a thing.  Not even a rumour - and
my girls are pretty much up on the latest," the chef redirected,
as she stepped over to her sink.

What girls? The only one who works for Ukyo is Konatsu (if this is set
post-vol. 35) and I doubt he's particularly up on anything. You might
want to change this to "my customers"; I could see Ukyo having regular
patrons who sit and gab about the latest gossip.

	As he stepped through the shop curtain behind Akane, he
knew by her demeanor that he was in deep.  Exactly two seconds
later, his guess was confirmed.
	"Did you enjoy that?" she asked hotly, her eyes flashing.
	"Akane..."
	"Forget it, Ranma!  If you want me to help you, then
you'd better stop flirting!"

And just what brought this on? You might want to have Akane walk in on
Ranma and Ukyo in what looks like a compromising position. Akane doesn't
go off like this unless there's some sort of provocation, or humorous
misunderstanding that looks like a provocation.

	"Have you ever put them in before - even for someone
else?"
	"No -- never even touched a pair before today.  Why?  I
get 'em in backwards or something?"
	"Not at all.  In fact, you put them in as if you've been
doing it for years.  And for another thing, I know that neither
Akane or I told you what that alcohol was for," she responded,
shaking her head slowly.  "But you knew."

I wish I could say this comes as a surprise, but it really doesn't. In
fact, if this is going the way I think it is, then it seems quite
similar to most of your previous works.

Overall, smoothly written with very few mistakes, as I'd expect. Ranma's
characterization was very well handled -- which makes me hope all the
more that he doesn't end up completely taken over by whatever female
spirit is invading his mental space.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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