On Sun, 8 Jul 2001 15:23:00 +0100, Freyr Gunnar �lafsson
<gnarlin@utopia.is> wrote:

And here it is yet again ! Fixed a whole big bag of spelling errors too :)
I must excuse my poor grammar. English is not my native tongue.

So noted. I've pointed out such errors below, not to castigate you for
them, but so you can correct them and hopefully be on the lookout for
them next time.

One problem with your formatting is that your lines are too long. Try to
wrap your story at 70-80 characters per line. Most good email clients
can be set to do this for you.

five!
He knew where she was. He went as fast as he could, faster then anyone knew he could go, faster then

'faster than' (both times). 'Than' is the comparative, while 'then'
indicates something following something else (e.g. he found out where
she was, then ran toward her.)

four!
a tree flashed by, jump-kick off its side, chi-blast off the cliff side, up into the air he went flying, 
trees flashing by by the thousands, cold air kissing his skin.

IMO, giving these sensory details is a better way to convey how fast
he's going than effectively just telling us he's moving really fast (as
in the previous paragraph.)

I don't understand what the countdown is supposed to signify.

Two!
jump up, duck branches, right side from hill, dodge left, jump up side, duck and roll. And there, from the

Why is he doing all of these acrobatics? Is someone shooting at him that
he has to avoid?

top of the hill he saw her.
There he saw her. Panting and swetting he started running again. faster and faster AND FASTER...

sweating

One!
He came down right next to her and knelt. He checks her lifesigns. She was dead. She was dead and he hadn't

checked (past tense)

told her. He knew men shouln't cry, at least that's what his pops always told him. MEN DO NOT CRY! 

shouldn't

He knew who had killed her. The Amazons and their laws. Their ways of bullying the rest of the world into doing things
their way. Always their way, never swaying or bending the rules for the happiness of the pleeding of others. Cold 

pleading

and heartless. Emotionless. Drones of their own anchient mentality. He hated them all. Shampoo was just the most
recent offspring of the Amazons brainwashing kind of upbringing. "BLINDNESS TO THE FEELING OF OTHERS SHALT THOU BE" they
must have said. "Obsticles are to be removed, no matter what they say or do to try to sway you of their course" the mothers
must have said to their young children. "Men are worthless for anything but servitude" the elders must say.

I must say, I really don't find this reaction believable. I think
Ranma's reaction would be more one of stunned surprise. How could they
have done this? I thought they were my friends! Certainly he's not going
to adopt this sort of cultural bigotry at the drop of a hat when
(presumably) only one or some of them were really responsible.

He felt the fury he had bottled up since all the madness had started. All the fury that had escilated with the growing 
crazyness of his life. All he EVER wanted was to hold Akane as his wife in his arms. Go with her on training trips. Perhaps
even teach her those secret techniques he knew. Fight her, Fight with her, tease her some more, Even.... kiss her someday. 

RANMA: Well, that and get a cure for my curse. And get good enough at
martial arts that I never lose a fight. And....

Zero!
The Amazons WOULD die ! ALL OF THEM WOULD DIE ! BURN IN PAIN, IN WHATEVER 
AFTERLIFE THEY BELIEVED IN. AFTER HE JOINED AKANE IN HER AFTERLIFE, HE WOULD CONTINUE WITH HER THERE 
TO TORTURE THE SPIRITS OF THOSE FOREVER DAMNED CHINESE BITCHES !

Nope. Sorry, but I don't find this reaction believable at all.

His aura burned like the sun itself. He burned with hate, desperation, the want for revenge. 
The landscape around him started to melt but he didn't notice.

>from the trees Colone knew that she was too late and that she would now have to do everything in her power 

>From (caps)

Cologne

to make sure that the amazon tribe would survive the onslaught of Ranma Saotomes revenge.

Saotome's

Ranma knelt with tears in his eyes and kissed her cold lips. There was no way he could just leave her 
here. He had wanted to make her a part of his life. Perhaps he could take her with him on his quest. He knew of
a way. Her spirit would come with him, so she could she his revenge through his eyes. He touched her body and 

could see his

channeled as much of his chi into flames as he could and cried in agony as he watched her body turn to ashes in 
front of him. He grabbed the ashes out of the air. A tear from his chin fell into his hand. He then stuffed all 
the ashes into his mouth and swollowed. As he did so he felt a peculiar intensity come over him, 

swallowed.

like the difference between the flame of open fire and the concentrated flame of a gas-tourch. He looked in the 
general direction of China, collected as much energy from his reserves as he could, consentrated them and let 

concentrated

them ingulf his muscles to give him streangth. He had learned this technique when he was twelve years old. 

engulf

strength.

It was even more self destructive than the shi-shi-hokudan but he didn't care right now. He just wanted to kill. 
He felt the strength of the technique fill him; started sprinting towards China at speeds that Albert Einstein 
believed where only theoretical. Life of Light," He cried out. "Engulf me!"

he	(no caps, since it doesn't start a new sentence)

Cologne's eyes whent wide open. The fist of light ?! Ranma knew it !? She did know, she should have known.

went

As soon as she had saw Ranma eat the ashes she should have known. She knew that he had stopped pretending. 
His respect for her had probably vanished. He had always played her and Happosai's games to humor them. To make 
them feel like they still had a say, that they still could muster a full out fight, still be in control. 
If she or Happosai could really have beaten him then she would have done so long ago and brought him to China.

Nonsense. She beat him pretty thoroughly in her first storyline, and
only quit because she chose to (during the battle on the beach.)
 

But she couldn't, so she let him choose. She had always thought that Shampoo knew this as well. That when she 
said that obstacles where for killing, she was just playing the game, just like she, happosai, the Kunos like 

Happosai,

all the rest of them where. She looked at it as training. For Ranma it was just relaxation. It was obvious whom 

were.

he loved. Whom he fought with. 

It's certainly not obvious to the Kunos, at least.

<few hours earlier in the wooden groove>

Try to work this information into the context of the narrative. Anytime
you have to talk directly to the reader, it's distracting.

Shampoo stood gloating over the corpse of Akane Tendo the kitchen wrecker. Finally her obstacle was out of the way.
Now Ranma Saotome, The dragon, the fierce tiger, The phoenix god slayer, he who had survived the neko-ken training,
he would be hers. She wondered at just how thankful Ranma would be. Oh he wouln't show it, or say it out loud. That

wouldn't

This treatment of Shampoo really isn't believable either. It's not a
question of whether she's really ruthless enough to kill Akane. She may
or may not be, but what she definitely isn't is stupid enough to believe
that she could kill Akane and Ranma would appreciate it. If she believed
this, then why didn't she kill Akane in the manga?

be disrespectful of him to the Tendo family. But she knew that he hated Akane. She could feel how his chi burned in
him when he was with her. How his emotions swelled around him like a perfume, how he lost so much control that that 
unskilled child of a martial artist could even manage to hit him. HIT HIM ! How had that whore dared. Not any more.
She spat onto the corpses face, bitch that she had been. Always playing with herself in
the night when Shampoo had been listening for ranma. Akane had been moaning his name over and over and over. Shampoo

Ranma	(caps)

I find this hard to believe as well. Not only Akane sexually fantasizing
about Ranma, but Shampoo spying on them as well. She's not generally
that subtle. If she wanted to see Ranma at that particular moment, she'd
have broken down the wall and asked him for a date.

had just finally snapped. Law was law after all. Obsticles WERE to be removed, her great grandmother said so all 

Obstacles

the time. She turned and left to go back to Nerima.

<at an establishment at he end of the universe>
Time and Fate along with Misery where drunk in a bar and had begun to do what The Eternal One had forbidden 

were

<Present>
On the middle of the great China sea Ranma ran. 
There were legends of great martial arts masters who could walk on water. Ranma mastered that when he was seven. 

The reader boggles. Are you reading the same manga that I'm reading?

It had been obvious to him to take the next step. Jogging, running. Handstands on water followed soon. 
It was even easier when you went as fast as he was going now. Less weight to put to each step. The ocean waves shot 
past him by the thousands as he ran past fishing boats, taking the occasional jump off them. Unfortunatly he couldn't

Unfortunately, he

completely avoid the waterdrops. He felt his change. But there was something different he felt ! It must be Akanes spirit.
At least see will be able to see, hear and feel while the light of life continues. To bad the technique doesn't last longer.

least she will

The fist of light was about manipulating the life forces within people. It was one of the most dangerous school of martial 
arts Ranma knew. He could simply draw the life force from someone and add it to his own. Achient scrolls and books told of

Ancient

vampires who drained life force from others. Superstition.

Actually, he knows a certain teacher who does much the same thing.

Those where martial artist who had abandoned the worrior code

were martial artists

warrior

so that they might live longer. Those unhonorable dogs. That was also why they had been hunted down by the other worriors and

warriors

killed. That and also their own greed for learning the Fist of Light for themselves. The Fist of Light was however very
difficult to use and requered absolute control over ones one life force and chi. One small mistake and it would have either

one's

horrible side effects or, if one was lucky, one would die. 
When Ranma had used it he had added Akanes life force to his own. She would be able to sence all that he did for a little

sense

while, but to maintain her spirit for the duration Ranma wanted to (which was as long as he could) he would die with her.
But not until he had removed the Amazons influence on the world once and for all. And the quickest way to do that was simple.
Kill them all !

<In a certain wooden groove erlier>

earlier

Akane and Shampoo fought. Akane fought desperately, feeling bones brake, limbs stop working, jaw braking.

break
breaking

("brake" is what you do in a car to slow down)

Shampoo fought with self assurdness. With confidence. She felt the satisfying crunch of Akanes jaw as she broke it

Akane's

with her fist, saw Akanes tears as she tried not to cry out in pain. "Husband stealer will not continue to hurt husband!" Shampoo said. "You never will have him in life!" Shampoo said. "and now, you DIE!". With a well aimed fist she puched 

Akane's

Akanes throut with as much force as she could muster. Akane tryed to beg for mercy, but the only sound she could make 

throat

tried

was a pathetic little gurgle as blood leaked from her mouth. She saw it come. For some reason she thought that the punch 
came at her so slowly. She tried to let herself fall to the earth to avoid the fist, but Shampoo compensated. Akane felt sadness as she felt numbness troughout her body. She would never tell Ranma. Maybe if she could keep alive till he came. 
She knew he was on his way anyways. She heard Shampoo glote and leave, but her hearing was fading along with everything 

gloat

else. "Just keep heering My own heartbeat until Ranma gets hear" she told herself. "Just one kiss, just three little 

hearing my

gets here," she

Flight 701 from Tokyo to Hong Kong was aproching China soon. Jane Chang had been on a holiday to Japan. 
It had been wonderful, especially Okinawa. Oh well, she sighed. Back to work. 
She looked out the window thinking these thoughts as she saw a red haired young woman in a chinese shirt sitting 
on the wing of the airplane with a serious expression on her face. Glowing with a swirl of colors. She wondered 

If this is Ranma, no one ever notices the hair colors.

if this was the inflight movie and how those clever technical people had been able to fit a television screen 
inside each window. All this modern technology made her head spin. She could berely pretend she was able to use 

barely

the travel agency software at work. She didn't like the expression on the main character of this movie. It seemed 
terribly twisted with whatever grief-stricken emotions she was feeling. Great actress she thought, although she 
wondered why it was that she had never seen her before in any other movie. She must be one of those new young 
actresses that were doing so well these days. She could see why the director had choosen her for the leed part. 

lead

Akane could feel how control of her body came back to her. Her eyesight, her hearing. All of it. That must mean that
she was alive ! That she could still tell Ranma. Still be with him ! Fate must smile upon her ! She felt
even more alive than normally. Her eyesight was so sharp. Her responses so fast and accurate. Her hearing sensing every little detail of her enviroment. She looked down upon herself to check for wounds. When she saw the shirt she was wearing along with the two huge mounts that where *definatly NOT hers* she suddenly realised who, or more accurately, in what body
she dwelled. 
Akane screamed Ranma Chan's lungs out !

RANMA: Murderer is someone in this room. Only myself and number one
fiancee know who it is.

("Ranma-chan" is how Happosai addresses Ranma when he's in female form.
If you want to use this, don't capitalize "chan.")

The One that was eternal watched as the wheel of time turned once again a full circle. He watched the events of past 
eternities move in similar patterns. He always amazed himself with this creation of his. He concentrated on 
watching the events happening in a particular house in Japan.
The youngest Tendo reached out a hand to Ranma-chan.
"You want to be friends?"
Ranma smiled at that and nodded, a little shy.

Perhaps it would go better this time around the eternal one thought. Yes, perhaps I should make sure. The lines 
of those two's destinies had crossed so many times on the wheel that he would do what he did very seldom. 
He changed the rules.

The series became dead boring. People started dropping their Shonen
Sunday subscriptions in droves, until Takahashi Rumiko learned who'd
been messing with her continuity and struck the Eternal One down,
destroying him utterly. :)

Your writing is actually pretty good, apart from some errors that are
perfectly understandable given that you're not a native speaker. The
real problem I had with this is that the characters just aren't
recognizable. Ranma isn't the be all and end all of martial arts, and he
definitely isn't some muscle-brained machine-gun toting
keel-dem-all-and-let-God-sort-dem-out action movie hero. (And good thing
too, because Ranma from the manga is IMO a lot more interesting than
that kind of character.) Read more of the manga, get a better feel for
what the characters are all about, and try again.



Gary
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