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-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: uknfdII.txt
-- Desc: uknfdII.txt

Disclaimer: According to the theories of Darwin, the people depicted
in this fic could not, actually, exist. The fact that people like
this do indeed exist is a strong argument for creationism. Any
resemblance to persons either living or dead is probably no coincidence, 
but you can think so if it makes you feel better. In no way should you 
find anyone in this fic to be inspiring in ANY way. We mean it.



TO: iamfanboy@hotmail.com
RE: your new fic


Since the dawn of the Internet, many badly written fics have been
inflicted on poor, unsuspecting readers. But, in the Year of Our
Lord 2001, two hands (one left, one right), eight separate fingers,
and two theoretically opposable thumbs have abused a keyboard in
such a way that the electrons themselves no doubt screamed in agony
as they were compelled by Ohm's Law to travel through the buses of
your computer, causing minute changes in the surface of your hard
drive as you wrote.

I opened your fic at two-thirty this afternoon, having enjoyed your
works in the past and fully expecting another twenty-five minutes of
pure pleasure. Instead, what my corneas were subjected to makes my
frontal lobes ache with the pain of trying to figure out why. Just
why.

In short, your fic sucks choad. I don't want to see any of your
works ever again. You may have spoiled internet fanfiction for the
rest of my life. You are the reason that fanfiction will never be
taken seriously by the world. And, in the names of Teleute, Discordia,
and Skuld, never, never, NEVER write a sequel!

send [Y/N] Y

THE NEXT ULTIMATE KUNG FU NINJA FANBOY DUEL
PART II
SECOND VENGEANCE


	Ah, the cybernet cafe. Home to many and varied forms of life,
most of them living on the people who frequent it. The customers at
such a place varies from the poser who only checks his email to the
hardcore person who sleeps under the desk rather than miss anything.

	One such person was staring at his screen, in awe of the
Ultimate Flame. He enjoyed flames more than anything else in the
world. Once, he'd started a flame war that had crashed three servers
before burning out (if you'll pardon the pun.) But this...

	This should be enshrined for all to see. It was glorious.
That was the only way to describe it.

	A chime that indicated yet another customer distracted him
from his ruminations. His first thought was _Oh, another wannabe
here to luse at Starcraft_ before the scent of a true brother
crossed his nostrils.

	He turned and gaped in awe, for the newcomer's rotund torso
was incased in a shirt covered in a series of ones and zeroes, grouped
in eight. Quickly translating, he gasped, for the shirt read, simply,
"I speak in Assembly."

	Why, it was even on a par with his own shirt of Skuld the Bug
Hammer! Thus, he wasn't at all upset when the newcomer sat down beside 
him. Without looking away from his screen, the newcomer said, "#include 
<iostream.h> voidmain() {cout<"What's your IRC handle?";} return(0);"

	"IF server=efnet, THEN chat Super_Gadget, ELSE END." He wasn't 
surprised when a message popped up on his screen moments later.

sdryu: So, how've ya been?

SUPER_GADGET: Been worse. Just got doen flaming some moron, which'll
make me feel good for days. You?

sdryu: Not bad. Posted a fic recently, and I need to check my email.
The home machine's down with a cold.

Super_Gadget: That sucks. I blew a hard drive last year and still aint
got around to replacing it.

	Several moments passed, which Super_Gadget used to check his
own email for the twelfth time that day. Then,

sdryu: Hey, check this flame that I got. It's pretty lame.

	A segment of text followed. As he read it, Super_Gadget's 
indignation and rage grew, for this, this, THIS... was his own flame.

	And this poser had called it LAME.

	Super_Gadget's fingers flew over the keyboard.

Super_Gadget: YOU'RE the moron that wrote that piece of utter tripe?

sdryu: YOU'RE the prep school luser that sent me that boring flame? 
 I've farted better flames than that!

	Super_Gadget gasped in shock.

Super_Gadget: You dare to call me a luser?�?�?�? I have no doubt in my
 mind that one such as you would open any Todd MacFarlane toy you buy!
	
	There was no response for several seconds, and Super_Gadget sat, 
content in the knowledge that once again he had come out on top.
Then, like the first cannon salvos echoing across a battlefield, text
appeared in a reply box.

sdryu: You can't sing along to your jpop cds.

Super_Gadget: Have you even watched an anime that wasn't on Toonami?

sdryu: How many hours did it take you to get all the characters on
 Marvel vs. Capcom 2? Nine?

Super_Gadget: I don't think you know what the word baka means, so I 
 won't bother calling you one.

sdryu: Makkanagee morkan!!!

Super_Gadget: Where did you learn your elvish? Everquest, perhaps?

	Super_Gadget watched from the corner of his eye as sdryu's 
hands clenched the corner of the keyboard's sliding tray, sending 
little cracking noises forth. Then, 

sdryu: At least my ICQ number doesn't have eight digits. 

	Super_Gadget slid the chair back, stood up, and leveled one
finger at his accuser! He screamed, "That's only because I had to 
change it!" He looked around the room, for in the silence that followed
his shout, all eyes had fallen upon him. He asked, somewhat 
indifferently, "What?"

	He inhaled slowly. He exhaled slowly. He carefully sat down
into his chair and slid it back into battle stations. Fingers poised 
like spiders over the keyboard, he typed the words he knew would win
him any flame war. He detested their use, much like any government 
would detest the use of nuclear weapons, but he had no choice. 

Super_Gadget: At least I don't subscribe to 2600.

	And it was on.

sdryu: WHAT DID YUO SAY!!!!

Super_Gadget: You heard me.

sdryu: Okay, THAT'S IT!!! We settle this, rihgt here, right now!!!

Super_Gadget: Fine, you poser. I challenge you to a duel of who has
 seen more anime, played more video games, and enjoyed more bad kung
 fu movies. 

	"Very well!" The two combatants stood and faced each other. 
Throwing their backpacks into alternate corners, sdryu raised one hand
in the proper manner and dropped it. And the scene changed!

	Now they were standing in a very proper Japanese dojo, done in
fine wood paneling. Several holes in the wall were boarded up crudely,
adding an image of age and hard use. Super_Gadget looked around, 
unimpressed. "I see you have chosen the Tendo Dojo as our first venue.
Nice, but hardly original."

	"Be quiet! Fierce Punch!" Super_Gadget blocked sdryu's attack
and countered with a Low Kick. sdryu flipped backwards, defying 
gravity neatly, and Taunted his foe.

	"Where did you learn to fight? Invincible Super Chan?"

	sdryu stopped Taunting at this insult to his ability and 
scowled. "Where did you learn your ballet? Jean-Claude Van Damme?"

	Super_Gadget scowled in return. "For that, you die. Spinning 
Bird Kick!"

	sdryu ducked and said, "I see you have mastered your basics.
But you still lack knowledge of your Alphas. Shin-Shoryuken!"

	Super_Gadget blocked and laughed aloud. "That is where you are
wrong, my friend. I have moved one step beyond." And Mega Man leapt
onto the battlefield, along with Strider Hiryu! They attacked sdryu from
several directions at once, and he just barely avoided becoming a 
smear. They leapt away, and Super_Gadget raised one hand in the air.
"Assist Good!"

	He was too busy exulting in what he'd assumed to be his 
victory to notice as sdryu walked up to him, did a set of impossible 
splits, and socked him in the balls. "Johnny Cage Nut Punch!" 
Super_Gadget clutched his jewels, turned a horrible shade of blue, 
and fell over onto his side. 

	sdryu got to his feet, clutched his jewels, turned a horrible 
shade of blue, and fell over onto his side. After fifteen minutes of 
writhing around in sheer agony, they both struggled to their feet. 
sdryu looked at Super_Gadget. "Mortal Kombat to dev/null."

	"Agreed. Mortal Kombat to dev/null." Super_Gadget, not wishing
to give his opponent a moment's respite, whirled around several times.
When he stopped, he had a red cape over his shoulders, a picnic basket
in his hands, and a cute puppy yapping at his feet. He pulled a machine
gun from the basket and leveled it at sdryu. It spit forth a solid 
stream of lead, that, nevertheless, impacted harmlessly against sdryu's
chest! It tore away at his shirt, until it revealed the big "S" 
underneath. Out of ammo, Super_Gadget chucked the gun at sdryu, who
ducked of course.

	"The kid gloves are off!" He ran forward, leaving a trail of 
images behind him that shimmered in the air like mirrors. Super_Gadget 
threw one Hard Punch, expecting it to impact his foe's face, and was 
thrown off-balance when it met no resistance. 

	He looked around and saw sdryu standing there, laughing. "I 
see you know how to utilize Bullet Time. But can you stand against my
Ludicrous Time?" He jumped up into the air and came down in a Jumping
Left Kick, leaving tacky color behind him as he came. 

	Super_Gadget just barely managed to dodge. As did, he gasped,
"He's gone to plaid!" Then, knowing that the fight was beyond him in
the ordinary realm, he moved it one step up and leveled one fist at
sdryu. "Can you defend yourself against my Bad Kung Fu Dub Taunting?"
Then, his lips were moving out of sync with his words!!!! "Ha ha ha 
ha! I laugh at you in insulting ways. Your fighting techniques are 
easily dodged. Ha ha ha ha ha! Now you will must die!"

	At first, sdryu writhed in agony, and Super_Gadget's heart 
began to rise. Then, a slight smile lit sdryu's face, and he began 
laughing in a way that ripped through the Bad Kung Fu Dub Taunting. 
Laughing in a way that defied both his sex and nature. He was 
laughing... like Naga the White Serpent. "OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO
HOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO
HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!"

	Cotton in the ears failed to keep away the torment. He lacked
a pencil with which to smash out his eardrums. Super_Gadget resorted
to the only thing he could call upon in his defense. He reached into 
one pocked and pulled out his pocket-sized edition of Oriental 
Adventures. Leafing through it, blood leaking from his ears, he came
to the page that might hold his salvation. "I call upon the powers of 
the Shinobi and my lucky Twenty-Sider, GM's Doom! Silence, 15' Radius!"

	Thankfully, blessfully, the laugh cut off. Super_Gadget looked
around, saw the shadows in the doorway, and raised one hand in the 
proper manner and dropped it. And the scene changed!

	sdryu balanced neatly on the speeding boat and rolled his eyes
at Super_Gadget. "You chose the ending speedboat chase from that dog,
Face/Off? Please. You forget," he pointed one accusing finger at his foe, 
"no true fighting movie could afford such an extravagant scene!"

	Super_Gadget said defensively, "I was just in a rush, that's 
all!"

	sdryu shook his head. He raised one hand in the proper manner
and dropped it. And the scene changed!

	Perched in the beams of a tall, tall tower at night, 
Super_Gadget looked out over the lights of a massive city and sniffed. 
"You want to destroy Tokyo Tower _again_? Jeez, what do people have 
against this thing?"

	"Be quiet!" Then, a flame lit up around sdryu, and he rose up
into the air as his hair became golden and stood up straight from his 
head. Super_Gadget grinned. 

	"Not a bad idea." And he did the same! Except...

	"Gasp! Have you been hiding your Power Levels from me?"

	Super_Gadget grinned wider. "Yes. Your Scouter... is useless."

	sdryu reached into his cargo pocket and removed a small rubber
duck. He squeezed it, and it gave one forlorn squeak, as though to cry,
"It wasn't my fault, boss!" Then, he dropped it to the ground below 
and assumed a ready stance that Super_Gadget matched. And the two
Super Sanjiyan-Form Fanboys rushed into combat.

	And reduced the Tokyo Tower to molten scrap in exactly 2.736 
seconds. Super-Gadget glared at sdryu over the burning rubble. "I 
_told_ you that this would happen!" He raised one hand in the proper 
manner and dropped it. And the scene changed! 

	Now, they were confronting each other on the top of a ruined, 
but still very tall, tower. Under any ordinary circumstances, they 
would not have been able to breathe, but they were beyond ordinary!
Super_Gadget was impressed despite himself. "The top of Babel Tower?"

	"Yes." They both pulled forth rings and placed them on their 
fingers. Swords of pure energy spouted forth from their knuckles, and
sdryu looked back and forth between his and Super_Gadget's. "Your 
Shwartz is as big as mine."

	They rushed forward, swinging their blades as one. They locked,
and sdryu grinned at Super_Gadget. "I see that I am clearly outmatched."

	"Then why are you smiling?"

	"Because I know something that you do not know."

	"And what is that?"

	sdryu disengaged violently, throwing himself backwards. "I am 
not left-handed." And he switched hands!

	By the second blow exchanged, Super_Gadget knew he could not 
win. So, he sought a different angle. Of course, he could simply answer
the hand-switch with the same -such is within the idiom- but that would
only give the advantage to his foe. 

	He parried his foe's blade, lifting it up above their heads. 
And Super_Gadget slammed his open palm into sdryu's side! "Taste my 
Jinx Palm!"

	sdryu staggered backwards, his sword of Schwartz fading away 
even as his powers did. "You have stolen my kung fu... is what I should
say. However, I have knowledge of the Solar Stance! And, by the way, it
only took me an hour to learn." He gathered his energies into a ball 
and flung it at Super_Gadget, literally blasting him into a wall. 

	Super_Gadget slumped from the ground to his hands and knees. 
He spread his fingers over the ground and shouted, "In the name of 
Super_Gadget the Fanboy, I order you, Tochao, Earth Claw, COME FORTH!"

	Three holes *spanged* into the ancient metal, and then all 
three of them started moving, ripping their way in a straight line 
towards where sdryu stood, calm. Super_Gadget grinned savagely. _Your 
arrrogance will be your undoing!_

	Then, sdryu reached into his pockets and held six playing cards 
high in the air. As sunlight reflected from their foily surfaces, he 
said, "I remove six white mana from my pool and summon an Armor Cat!" 
A cat with a six-inch orange mohawk running down its spine appeared, 
reeling back and forth. sdryu looked down at it. "Protect me! Forget 
your summoning sickness!"

	"Mrawoar!" The Armor Cat leapt and wrapped itself around its 
summoner just as Tochao reached them. The icky invisible bug vanished 
as it ran headfirst into the Armor Cat.

	Rather than let his foe get the offensive, Super_Gadget kept 
his hand on the ground and focused his energies through that. "Earth 
below me, submit to my will! Dug Haut!"

	sdryu jumped into the air. As he looked down on his foe from 
Impossible Hang Time Prospective, he sniffed. "Please. If you're going
to cast a spell, make it an effective one... like this! METEO!"

	And the sky rained death.

	sdryu landed as the smoke cleared. He looked around, but saw no 
sign of Super_Gadget. He bowed his head. "You died well..."

	"Not yet, and not ever!"

	sdryu's head whipped up wildy and he saw that Super_Gadget was 
standing before him, where there had been no one just a moment ago! 
"Gasp! How did you survive!"

	In answer, Super_Gadget held up a medallion. "My Lucia's 
Pendant saved me by letting me teleport away."

	sdryu reached into his shirt and pulled forth an identical 
pendant. He looked at it for a moment, then looked at his opponent with
a quizzical expression. Then, the aged metal under their feet, driven 
beyond its final measure, gave one groan and snapped, sending both the 
Fanboys tumbling to their doom.

	Super_Gadget raised one hand in the proper manner and dropped 
it. And the scene changed!

	Now, they were in a Buddhist temple, with lots of room to do 
really cool stunts. Chandaliers and such hung from the ceiling, and 
beams projected several feet from the walls in an almost gothic style. 
sdryu looked around and laughed lightly. "I hope you don't expect me to
stand on one foot?"

	"Hardly necessary," Super_Gadget said dryly. sdryu shrugged and 
ran for his foe, putting all his speed forth! Super_Gadget cringed 
reflexively, knowing that he could not defend against a strike, but 
sdryu ran past him. And ran up the wall! And tumbled backwards, putting
all his weight into one final attempt to crush his foe.

	Super_Gadget merely crossed his arms across his chest and 
stepped to one side, letting sdryu crash into the floor. Dust rose up 
in concentric rings around the site of impact as Super_Gadget leveled 
one finger at his foe. "I see that you have tried to mimic the run up 
the wall technique Neo used in The Matrix. But your technique is 
flawed, for... Neo started with his left foot. You began with your 
right."

	"Gasp!" sdryu gathered himself into a crosslegged position. His 
Armor Cat uncurled itself from around his torso and curled up in his 
lap. "I have been... defeated." 

	He started petting the cat in his lap as he pointed his finger 
at the victor. "But I'll get you next time, Gadget! Next time!!!"

	"Mrawoar!"

	Unheeding of the ill will directed towards him, Super_Gadget 
turned and walked for the door. But, just before he walked out, sdryu
could feel the air fracture around him and, although he could see his
foe standing in the doorway, he heard Super_Gadget as though he were
whispering in his ear. "Or maybe this is just another of many 
possibilities..."





The End???






Are you inspired? [Y/N]

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