OK, you can stop explaining now.
I knew there had to be a reason why most subject lines
just say (fanfic)(Ranma).
Temporary blackout.

Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and co., and
there's nothing I can do about it. I don't make any money on this and 
if anybody does, don't. Unless you actually have the rights to Ranma 
1/2, in which case there's not much I can do to prevent it.

DUCK AND PEACHES AT THE FOOT OF FLOWER MOUNTAIN
 By Hans Holm

CHAPTER TWO

Mousse wished Cologne had been foresighted enough to add the names and
addresses of the shops to the list. It wasn't as if he usually frequented shops 
for baby clothes or any of the other things he needed to buy. For a while he
considered going to the Tendos for help, but then he remembered that both
Kasumi and Mrs. Saotome were away at the moment. He doubted that
Kasumi actually knew where they could find those shops anyway.
Somebody came up behind him. "Mousse-san?"
He turned around and found himself staring at a giant pig which returned
the stare, while it's rider climbed of.
"Akari Unryuu, is it? Ryoga's girlfriend?"
"Yes. Have you seen him?"
"No...but he's bound to turn up sooner or later."
He thought for a few moments.
"Uh... Akari Unryuu, do you think you could help me with something?"
"Well, maybe...and could you please call me just Akari? What is it you
need help with?"
"Just Akari, I..."
"You did that on purpose, didn't you?"
"What..."
"The Just Akari-thing...Don't do that, OK?"
"OK, Akari, I need help to find out where I can buy all these things."
He handed her the list.
"Is somebody going to have a baby", she asked after skimming through it.
"Somebody already has...uh, I don't think you've heard of her...anyway
I need to get all these baby things, because all she have is one set of
clothes."
"Who? Why do you have to do everything?"
"Hairspray, she's my daughter."
"DAUGHTER?!...but what about Shampoo?!"
"I'd rather not talk about it. So, do you know where I can find these things."
"No, but I'm not to proud to ask people."

A short while later, Mousse were laden with boxes and packages, while
Akari went through the list again.
"I think we've got everything but the clothes now."
"They have to wait until tomorrow. I can't carry any more and I don't know
here size."
"You don't know your daughter's size?"
"Until four hours ago I didn't even now I had a daughter. I've spent
most of those four hours shopping and she spent the rest of them sleeping.
We haven't really had time to get to know each other."
The clerk, who hadn't heard this exchange, looked from Akari to Mousse
laden with packages and back again.
"Miss, I think you may be getting a little ahead of yourself. You don't
look pregnant.", she told Akari.
"Actually, we're about a month to late.", Mousse said, starting to turn red.
"and she's only here as moral support", he continued indicating the now 
equally red Akari. 

As they left the shop, they failed to spot the lost boy across the street. 
Ryoga, on the other hand, saw Akari and Mousse laden with packaged
baby stuff leaving a shop together. A quick survey of the situation produced
these facts:
1. Akari have just bought a lot of baby stuff;
2. People usually buy baby stuff when someone is about to
have a baby.
3. Everybody else have someone other than Akari to send
out to buy baby stuff.
4. I haven't done anything.
5. She's with Mousse.
Conclusion: Akari's having Mousse's baby!!!
This left two possibly courses of action (three if you include trying to find
out what is actually going on):
1. Have wild and passionate sex with the equally jilted Shampoo to try to 
ease the pain; or,
2. Attacking the (expletive, expletive racial slur) and go out in if not a 
blaze of glory, a ki-blast of depression.
It's an obvious choice, really.

Mousse heard the battle-cry "Prepare to die, Mousse!" and felt someone
approaching from above. He pushed Akari out of the way as Ryoga 
impacted on the sidewalk, leaving a crater. Ryoga growled at them.
"Akari, get out of here! Now!", Mousse shouted while dodging, "Go get
Ranma or Cologne..."
"But...Ryoga..."
"Is not really himself at the moment. Get help! I'll try to keep hi..." 
One of Ryoga's punches connected with Mousse, sending him flying into
Akari and both into a nearby car. At least Mousse managed to twist around
to keep Akari from the worst of the impact. Ryoga was almost on top of
them again.
"Ryoga...please...stop...", Akari pleaded.
He ignored her and continued against Mousse who met him with a knee to
the mid-section. She needed some way to calm him down quickly...
cold water! Spotting a soda vending machine down the street she quickly
made her way towards it.

A sudden and very local downpour stopped Ryoga in his tracks as his shape
became unsuited to punching. As he tried to work out how to kill Mousse
while in pig form someone lifted him by the scruff of his neck.
"Hey, P-chan, Mousse have enough trouble without you expanding your
vendettas.", Ranma said.
"Bwee, bwee bwee", Ryoga explained angrily.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever", Ranma replied, "Listen, he just found out he has a
kid and if you kill him Shampoo will kill you for leaving her with the kid, OK"
"Bwee."
"I was just helping him finding things.", Akari interjected.
"Bwee." Ryoga had decency to look ashamed.
"Oh, and Mousse? Kuno's looking for you to avenge the...hey, he's 
unconscious."
"Then you'll have to carry him too.", Akari said.
"Me? What do you mean carry him too?"
"I can't carry him, Ryoga and all these packages all by myself. And
what if Kuno shows up?"

* * * * * *

A short time later they were back at the Nekohanten.
"Hey, where did everybody go?!", Ranma called out.
"Spatul...Ukyo is on milk run", Shampoo said coming down the stairs,
" and, uh, Akane is...aiyah! What happen to Mousse?"
"He was ground zero for one of Ryoga's jumps to conclusion. Lucky
for you that Akane isn't here, P-chan."
"Bwee?"
"Sigh. Let's turn him back to human first, and maybe get the old ghoul to
take a look at Mousse."

"I'm back!", Ukyo called as she nudged the door open with her foot (until
Akari opened it for her) with her arms full of plastic bags, "Uh, why's 
Ryoga half-naked?"
"Because Pig-loving Girl, uh, Akari no want to wait?"
"What's with all the bags, Ucchan? I thought you were only going to get
milk."
"Yeah, but then I realised she didn't have a bottle either or diapers or..."
"So you went and bought the same things Mousse and I bought."
"I got a little carried away."
"You, young lady", Cologne said suddenly appearing behind Ukyo, "are
acting like a very stereotypical girl in a romantic comedy aimed at boys.
Next you'll attempt to impress Ranma with your diaper-changing skills."
"I bought her a plush ducky.", Ukyo said apologetically.
Only her sense of dignity prevented Cologne from banging her head against
the wall.
"Shampoo thinks Ukyo needs pet.", Shampoo muttered.

* * * * * *

"Would you mind telling me what's going on?", Nabiki asked, while Akane
was tearing through the closet.
"They have to be here somewhere. I know they're here.", Akane mumbled.
"Our baby clothes.", she explained.
"Did Ranma enter P-chan in another contest or..."
"Mousse'sdaughtershowedupandshe'sonlygotonesetofclothes...Aha! There
they are!", Akane announced, pulling a large box from the closet.
"Wait a minute! Mousse's daughter?"
"Yes."
"Mousse? As in male Chinese Amazon, long black hair, blind as a bat, turns 
into a duck, worth 7500 yen per picture if you catch him outside his robe?"
"Uh...yes."
"Mousse? As in completely devoted to Shampoo? Has a kid? As in has had 
sex with a girl? A girl who's not Shampoo? You're joking."
"No...gotta go!"
Nabiki pondered this for a few seconds before coming to a realisation:
"Hey! That's MY baby clothes!"

"Saotome? Did you catch where my daughters said they were going?"
"No...I think it was something about a contest, baby clothes and yen per
picture."
"Ah...just another of Nabiki's schemes then. Your move."

* * * * * *

When Mousse finally came to and was handed his glasses, he found himself
back in his room.
"How did I get back here...and why is Ryoga wearing one of my robes."
"Hairspray, uhm, had, uh, an accident on...", Ranma began.
"IS SHE ALRIGHT!?!"
"Geez, it's not really that kind of accident."
The only casualty was my shirt", Ryoga added, "Even if it ever gets clean 
I'll never wear it again."
"And now we'd like some answers.", Ranma continued.
"How did this happen? How come you've got a kid all of a sudden?", Ryoga 
demanded.
"How?...didn't your parents tell you about the birds and the bees?",
Mousse answered with a weak smile (before realising that bringing up
Ryoga's parents might not be a good idea).
"Pops did", Ranma interjected, "but I didn't believe him. I mean, what if
the bird got stung halfway...and then there's the size difference...I mean
an ostrich is really big, but..."
"It just sort of happened", Mousse interrupted, "she was a good friend and
she was upset because her boyfriend had done something and they'd 
broken up, I tried to console her and before I knew it she...I...we...", he
trailed off. Hairspray crying and sounds of mounting panic downstairs
brought him back to reality. And downstairs in record time.

Hairspray was crying and turning red in Shampoo's arms. The girls looked
close to panic and it seemed like only instinct prevented them from tossing
Hairspray between them like a unexploded grenade. Possibly they actually
had - Ukyo was holding the bottle. Cologne was nowhere to be seen.
"Give her to me!", Mousse demanded, and without waiting for a reply 
grabbed Hairspray from Shampoo.

He should have known something like this would happen. He knew the girls
tried their best, but they didn't really know what to do. Well, neither did he,
but at least he was not trying to impress Ranma with his baby care-skills.
Why was she crying? Was there something wrong with the formula? Maybe
she was allergic to it. Maybe she was sick!
"There...there...everything'll be alright", he whispered, stroking her back 
while trying to calm both Hairspray and himself.
Finally, before Mousse had worked himself into cardiac arrest, she burped.
Loudly.

"Whoa, I didn't know something that small could be that loud.", Ranma
commented, mainly to restart the conversation, "Where did Cologne go?"
"She had to go and lie down. I think the unamazon-like atmosphere got to 
her.", Nabiki said, "I think we'd better leave before you lot traumatise
Hairspray for life."
"But...but...", Akane began.
"I think Mousse will be able to pick some clothes for his daughter without
your help. Let's go. I'll send Ranma around to get the orders later."
"Orders?...What orders?...", Shampoo said, having forgotten her earlier
white lie. "Oh, _those_ orders."

* * * * * *

"OK, Mousse. I want some answers. Now!", Shampoo demanded as soon as 
they were alone.
"I like the red one with kittens on it, but the green and white one fits her
better...", Mousse began still going through Nabiki's hand-me-downs.
"No, no, no! About this Tao Tao woman."
"Huh?"
"HAIRSPRAY'S MOTHER! Who was she? Where did you meet her?
What did she look like? Why did the circus send Hairspray to you?"
"OK, OK. Let me just put Hairspray to bed first."
With that Mousse went upstairs only to return moments later.
"Uh...Where did you put the crib?"
"Oh, we were so busy we forgot to put it together. It's in the big box next to 
the door...no, the other side, that's the pram..."
"Did I really buy this much?"
"No, Ukyo bought some of it. She got a little carried away. Why don't you
just put Hairspray in her basket again. Then you can answer my questions
while you put the crib together."

"As I told you before, Tao Tao was one of the girls at the circus. She helped
taking care of the animals...wait, I think I have a picture here somewhere."
"WHY ARE YOU CARRYING A PICTURE OF HER?"
"Because people keep sneaking into my room and going through my things
on a weekly basis. I didn't wa..."
"That wouldn't happen if you told great-grandmother when you get
the new issue of...uh."
"Anyway, here's the picture."

The photo was of two people in front of a tiger in a cage. One was Mousse
unrobed and sweaty, but smiling. Unless Mousse had made more female
friends a the circus, the equally smiling girl with her arms around him had to 
be Tao Tao. She had long, almost waist-length, wavy dark brown hair and, 
from what was visible from behind Mousse dressed in cut-offs and t-shirt. If 
she didn't know better she'd have assumed that they were a couple. A 
happy one. It just wasn't fair - she had managed to get a few photos of her 
and Ranma in a similar situation, but he always looked very uncomfortable 
or just plain terrified.

Mousse brought her out of her reverie.
"Shampoo? My hands are kind of full. Could you look in the assembly 
instructions and  tell me where this thing goes?"
He was trying to hold what appeared to be a model of Tokyo Tower 
together with his hands while balancing what looked like a four-way wheel 
wrench on his right foot.
"Where is it?"
"In the box ove...uh-oh." As Shampoo looked for the assembly instructions, 
gravity brought Mousse back to square one.

By the time she had tracked them down he had constructed the frame-work
for a scale-model of the Yamato. He was definitely going to need her help.
"Aiyah! These are in Japanese!"
"What did you expect, we're in...damn!" The Yamato went  the way of the 
Tokyo Tower model.
"Stupid Mousse! Why don't you read the instructions before you start 
putting things together?"
"I should be able to put together a DIY crib without reading the 
instructions...I mean, how hard can...NOT AGAIN!!" The Kitty Hawk
never really got of the ground.

"Are you ready to listen to the instructions now? OK, begin first insert
bars 1 to 3 in slots A to C..."
In less than three minutes Mousse had, under Shampoo's supervision,
produced a very nice scale-model of a T-ford.
"Sigh...can't you even follow simple instructions? OK, I'll do it myself!"
On her own and with mounting frustration, Shampoo managed to turn the 
supposed crib into a pedal-driven Harley-Davidson Chopper, the Notre 
Dame and the Creature from the Black Lagoon.
"Arrgh! Why'd you buy this useless crap, Mousse!...Uh-oh, I have
to get _Ranma's_ dinner ready!" With that Shampoo stomped off towards 
the kitchen. As she demonstratively slammed the door to the kitchen
the Creature collapsed on top of Mousse.

By the time Shampoo was leaving to deliver the food Mousse was
working on the Parthenon.

* * * * * *

When she returned it was obvious that Cologne had taken pity on Mousse, 
as he was in the process of getting the crib upstairs. Cologne herself was
catching up on her soaps.
"Great-grandmother? Have you decided on Mousse's punishment yet?"
"Punishment? What are you talking about?"
"I mean...uh...don't we have rules against this sort of thing?"
"What sort of thing?"
"You know, boys cheating on girls they love."
"Not when the girl has repeatedly and expressly spurned the boy for
fifteen years."
"So you're just going to let him get away with it!"
"He only did what you have been telling him to do since you were kids...
you're not jealous are you?"
"I AM NOT JEALOUS! MOUSSE CAN SLEEP WITH EVERY GIRL IN 
JAPAN FOR ALL I CARE!"
"If you say so. Besides, don't you think being a single parent at seventeen is
enough punishment?"

That night was the first since Ranma's and Akane's failed wedding that 
Shampoo was so upset that she couldn't sleep. That Hairspray was clearly 
awake didn't help either.

Eventually, Shampoo tired of Hairspray's crying and went into Mousse's
room to get him to do something about it. Mousse was slumped in his
chair, deeply asleep and totally exhausted. She briefly considered waking 
him up before focusing on the main problem. "There, there, Hairspray, don't
cry...please? Are you hungry? Let's go down to the kitchen and Shampoo'll
make you some of that scrumptious formula. OK? I'll just put this blanket
on your idiot father first. So. Now, let's go get that formula."
Morning found Shampoo sleeping on a chair in the kitchen with Hairspray
sleeping in her arms. It took Cologne several minutes to decide not to take
this opportunity to hit her pressure points.

* * * * * *

To be continued...

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