To reply, post publically or e-mail the author at <wandererd@yahoo.com>
Enjoy!
The FFML Refugee List
<Scene: outside a large --and slightly destroyed--
multiplex. Zef, Ranko, and her not-quite-a-boyfriend-yet
Phaeron stand at the gate, staring at the "Closed for
renovations" sign posted on it.>
Zef: What the...
Phaeron: Looks like someone didn't appreciate our last,
uhm, review <glances at Ranko>
Ranko: <annoyed> Hey! It wasn't MY idea to try and
review that... that... THING!
Zef: <thinks> Note to self: don't let her near
Split Personalities again. <outloud> Well, looks like
we'll have to find a new place to do these.
Phaeron: But let's try to keep up with *good* fanfics.
So far, I think only SP is the only really *bad* one
we've done, isn't i--
<POOF!>
Ranko: <looking around> Huh? Where did you...?
<She spots a soot stain where Phaeron used to be>
Ranko: O_O
Zef: Don't you just hate it when that happens?
<Meanwhile, ten feet away...>
WD: <looking around startled> What the...
Erick: <suprised> Hey... where's my LD?
Antybody: <Frowning> WD... you're not wearing clothes...
WD: <Looks down> OH SH**! I've only got my boxers!
Mr. Croup: <Grunting in disgust> Here, have my jacket...
Erick: <Sighing> I have a couple of shorts in my bag.
<WD gets dressed.>
MR. Croup: Ok, where the hell are we?
Ranko: O_O#
Zef: Uh... that was a bit unsettling. What just happened,
anyway? And what happened to bird-boy over there?
<points at the soot stain>
WD: <Looks at Zef and Ranko> Who are you two?
Ranko: O_O#
Zef: Er... looks like she's in shock for the moment,
so I'll take over. She's Ranko Saotome, that soot stain
used to be called Lael Phaeron, and I'm Zef, short for
"Zephyr". And you?
Ranko: ~_~#
WD: Well, I'm WD, short for Wanderer D, ego extraordinaire.
Erick: I'm Erick, nice to meet you.
Antybody: Me Antybody.
Mr. Croup: eh... just call me Mr. Croup.
WD: Would you mind telling us what he did <points at the soot stain>
so that we can avoid that fate?
Zef: Let's see... the last thing he did was comment about how we
should continue to review *good* fanfics instead of bad ones. <aside>
It was a bad one which caused this theater's, um, unintended
renovations.
WD: ... so, you guys review fics?
Zef: Kinda. We are sort of like a focus group for private studios,
in a way, like prereaders. Sometimes we get good ones, or at least
weird ones that are made bad on purpose, but so far we've avoided
the honest riff raff.
WD: <Pulls out a video tape.> I have one right here that needs to be
seen. Wanna take a look at it? The writer Marenus tells me it's good
enough to be the official continuation to NGE...
Ranko: @_@
Zef: <shrugs> Why not? We were here to see what the higher-ups wanted
us to review, anyway. <points back at the slightly-charred rubble>
You *do* have a place where we can review, right?
WD: .... I... we... uh...
Erick: <Pulls out a Vega from his backpack> Here.
WD: O_0'' Do you have anything else in there?
Erick: Yeah... a bathtub.
WD: ...
Ranko: <suddenly grabs the bathtub> Hentai sukebe!
<smashes the bathtub over WD>
WD: OooW! Why you...
Mr. Croup: <whispering> Don't say it...
WD: YOU UNCUTE, TOMBOYISH, RAGTAG IN HEAT!
Ranko: <stunned> Wh... <vein pops on her forehead>
What did you just--
<A red circle appears on the ground, shooting a column of unholy
light towards the heavens. A short, feminine silhouette appears
within the column, brandishing a mallet as large as her own body>
Zef: Oh, look who's back again!
"Red Materia" Akane: GAIJIN NO BAKA!
WD: <Starts looking through subspace> Where's my Nanban mirror so I
can cry myself out of here?
<Cut to China>
Jusenkyou Guide: <looks at the pretty red explosion
a few miles away> Oh, Miss Customer has bad, bad temper!
This is second time this week!
WD: <pancake> ...
Zef: I should've warned you. She works on automatic.
WD: <pancake> ...
Erick: He had it comming.
WD: <Pancake> ... I don't feel my legs...
Mr. Croup: ... Weren't you supposed to be a demon? Get up!
WD: ... hurts... nevertheless...
Ranko: <happily>Aah! I feel so much better now!
WD: ... I don't...
Ranko: <walks up to the flattened WD and pulls him up>
So who ARE you? And what did you do to Lael?
WD: Why you... <Looks again at himself> Ahem... I did not do anything.
I'm called demon just out of circumstances outside of my control, so,
lay down a little, willya?
Antybody: Actually, we are lost... but WD had invited us to his place
to watch that thing he just got.
Zef: Looks like you guys and Phaeron switched places somehow.
<turns to Ranko> It's not like this hasn't happened to you before,
right?
Ranko: <wary> All right... but I'll keep an eye on them.
<glares at the group> One false move and wham! <Kid> I'll kick yer
arses so hard you'll kiss the moons!
Zef: Um... there's only one moon here, I'll have you know.
Ranko: Shut up! You're ruining the dramatic buildup!
<Silence>
WD: ... Dramatic buildup?
Mr. Croup: Please, please shut up, WD.
WD: <Glares at Croup> Why? I'll only make good moves, no false ones!
<Starts throwing knives into the air and catching them> See? Nothing
to worry *HER* about...
<Ranko levels a fixed gaze on him, picks up a pebble, and flicks it
at the knives. They clatter down to the ground.>
Ranko: ^_^
WD: ^_^...
Erick: <Steps away from him.> Uh-oh... he's smiling...
WD: Elemenkia LA- <Mr. Croup puts his hand on his mouth.>
Mr. Croup: <worriedly> Lay down! Count to 10!
WD: <Mutters something under his breath and seemes to relax>
Zef: ^_^; Let's just watch the fic, shall we?
<Ranko shrugs, grabs a loose row of seats from the theater
debris and sets it on the ground. The group sits to watch.>
Erick: <sitting a little far from them> I think looking at you
is far more funny...
****
Shinji: ohh, where am I?
WD: Las Vegas?
Erick: In hell?
Mr. Croup: In a crapy fanfic?
Antybody: Who brought the tomatoes? Can I throw tomatoes?
Zef: <Shinji> And why am I wearing a boy-scout's uniform?
WD: <Barney> Oh no! NOT AGAIN!
Misato: Shinji, Shinji are you ok?
WD: (Shinji's voice) Who are you?
Mr. Croup: (Vader) I am you father.
Zef: With Shinji, "OK" is a relative term.
Ranko: Lessee... Two arms, two legs, rampant Oedipal complex... Yup, I'm
al here!
WD: You're missing... a spine?
Shinji: Yeah I'm ok, but where am I?
Ritsko: You're in Germany Shinji
WD: Um... point? Does this line end?
Mr. Croup: Eh... no.
Zef: In Germany? Care to narrow it down a little?
Ranko: <Ritsuko> You're lying in a gutter in the streets of Bonn's
red-light district, Shinji. And the next time you borrow EVA-01, don't
paint it pink.
Shinji: Germany! What happened to Tokyo3!?
WD: (Misato's voice) Well DUH!! It became LCL with the rest of the
WORLD!
Zef: <announcer> TANG! The choice of the liquefied generation.
Erick: Became shit?
Mr. Croup: He's got amnesia or what?
Misato: There will be time for explanations later, we have a lot do,
now get up and get dressed.
Zef: <disgusted> Yes, please.
Ranko: Hey, if you guys have your panty shots, we deserve some
fanservice too!
WD: Namely, she didn't know what to say.
Mr. Croup: You think?
Erick: She doesn't know what happened either.
Mr. Croup: Is this after the movie?
Erick: Yeah.
Shinji: Is Asuka ok?
Antybody: Didn't you strangle her?
WD: I thought she got eaten...
Mr. Croup: Destroyed by angels?
Misato: Yes, Asuka is ok
WD: Yet another point missing.
Ranko: As OK as a catatonic wreck with a split arm who gibbers and
drools maniacally can be, anyway.
Zef: Marilyn Manson is NOT OK.
Ranko: I meant Asuka.
Zef: Oh.
Shinji: Where is she?
Misato: I will bring you two together once you get up and dressed.
WD: <Shinji> Can't I get with her while in bed AND naked?
<Ranko whaps WD.>
Shinji: Ok
*Shinji sits and stares at Misato*
Zef: <Shinji> Doooiii... Boobies...
<Ranko whaps Zef>
Misato: Oh, right, sorry. Come on Ritsko, lets let him get dressed in
his privacy.
WD: Something's not right there...
*Misato walks out the door, but Ritsko stands and stares at Shinji.
Ranko: <Ritsuko, level-gaze> Toothpicks.
WD: <Ritsuko> Really, Shinji, you DO take after your father.
Then moments later she walks out the door*
Zef: <Ritsuko> I'll never be able to smoke a cigarrette again.
Shinji: How in the hell did I get to Germany?
Ranko: <Akane> Shinji no baka! <punts Shinji around the world>
WD: Simple: FedEx.
*He puts on his clothes that are sitting on a chair next to his bed and
walks out the door where Ritsko and Misato are waiting*
Antybody: FANSERVICE!! SHINJI'S NAKED! NOOOOOOOO!!
Erick: Are those panties, Shinji?
WD: <Shinji> Yes, but I only use them because these are more comfortable.
Shinji: So where is Asuka? And Rei too, where is Rei, and how the hell
did I get to Germany?
Zef: One-track mind the kid's got, no?
Ranko: Let's see you say that when you wake up in Brunei.
WD: Where is Rei? How did he get to Germany?
Misato: Calm down Shinji, you're alright. Asuka hasn't woken up yet but
we will wake her up tomorrow.
Zef: Let me get this straight: you can wake her up at will? Then why are
you waiting until *tomorrow* to do so?
Ranko: Maybe it's that "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here," sign
outside her room.
WD: Or... Asuka is going through *that* time of the month, so it's
actually better to let her stay in a coma.
Ranko: Hey, if it means one more Asuka-free day, fine by me.
WD: True, true.
Shinji: And Rei?
Ritsko: Rei is down the Hall. She was waiting to see you. Come with me
and I will take you to her.
*They walk down the long and winding corridor until they find a door*
Zef: By the way, are we supposed to know where this is all taking place?
Ranko: Maybe they were all sitting around at a McDonald's?
WD: <Misato> Can I have a double-cheese burger, please?
Ritsko: Rei is out there, waiting for you.
WD: <Misato> And running free into the woods! Go fetch her, Shinji!
Shinji: Waiting for me? Why?
Ranko: <Rei> Do you want to become one with me?
Zef: <spooked> Stop that! Your voices sound so much alike it's scary!
WD: You'd rather she talked like Nelson Mandela?
Misato: Just go. I want to see how she reacts to you.
Ranko: <Ritsuko> First, here, put these protective glasses on. The last
three Reis spontaneously combusted when placed within ten feet of your
room.
Shinji: *opens the door while speaking* Ok, but I don't..
Zef: An ellipsis, followed by a period? And a Micro$oft Word one, at
that.
Rei: Shinji! *She hugs him* It's so good to see you!
Ranko: <Shinji> You're still not getting by Bud Light.
Zef: Ah, nice to see good ol' Rei acting so very much in character.
WD: Indeed. Can I go now?
Mr. Croup: No. You started it, you stay.
Shinji: Uh, hi Rei, its good to see you too, I guess.
Zef: "I guess." Never tell a girl you "guess" you're glad to see her.
WD: I guess... you're right...
Ritsko: *Whispering to Misato* Just as I thought! Her personality seems
to have changed completely.
All: <dull> Nooo! You think?
WD: <Ritsuko> And I have seemingly gained the ability to state the
bleedingly obvious.
Misato: *Whispering back* What does that mean?
WD: SPAM, can make you act weird.
Zef: Maybe it means she's watched Utena way, WAY too many times.
WD: What's wrong with that? <Silence> Guys?
Ritsko: I don't know yet.
Ranko: <Ritsuko> But we might want to cut down the sugar in her LCL mix.
WD: Tastes like chicken, not blood now. Explain that!
Rei: Dr. Akagi?
Ritsko: Yes?
Rei: Has Shinji been given the location of his quarters yet?
Zef: <Shinji> All right! I haven't been to an arcade in years!
Ritsko: No Rei he has not. Would you like to show them to him?
Rei: Yes ma'am.
Zef: <Rei, pointing at Shinji's butt> But can't he find his own
hindquarters himself?
<Ranko pounds him with the Pun Mallet>
WD: ...
Misato: Goodbye Shinji, I will call you later.
Shinji: Umm. ok then.
WD: <Shinji> Um... bye.
Rei: Come on Shinji, I will take you to your new living quarters.
*Walking down the hallway to the Hospital Exit*
Shinji: Rei?
Rei: Yes Shinji?
Zef: <Shinji> When did you dye your hair pink?
Ranko: <Shinji> And why are you waving that kitchen knife at me and
grinning?
WD: And why... oh, forget it.
Shinji: You seem to be a little different from what I remember you as.
Zef: You *speak*, for instance.
MR. Croup: <Shinji> You hugged me!
WD: You... dyed your hair pink!
Rei: You remember me?
WD: <Shinji> No, Rei, I don't. What's your name?
Shinji: Of course! I am a little confused about all this but I can
still remember things.
Zef: <Shinji> Like that time my old pal DJ came and hung out with us!
That was so cool! And my buddy Tom! HELL YEAH!
Ranko: <Rei> That's it. Get my gun.
WD: Get me Drano.
Rei: That's funny, I can't remember a thing about before. Dr. Akagi
sai-
Zef: <Shinji> You mean you don't remember when I let myself into your
apartment, messed around with your beloved mementos, saw you naked, and
ended up falling on top of you and groping you?
Ranko: <Rei> What?
Zef: <Shinji> Um, nevermind, then.
Shinji: Before what?
Rei: Before what? What do you mean, what? The Third Impact, of course!
Zef: <Shinji> Ah, that measly little thing? I though it was just my
medication kicking in.
WD: <Shinji> You mean it happened?! AND I DIDN'T FINISH KILLING ASUKA?!
Shinji: *stops walking and stands in terror* The, the Third Impact?
Rei: You seem to not be feeling well, maybe I should take you home and
you should get some rest.
Zef: <Rei> IfyaknowwhatImean... <wink*wink>
Ranko: <whaps Zef> Rei's speech has a personality problem. "You seem to
be not feeling well"?
WD: Language conflict during her generation programming.
Zef: Maybe we're watching the dubbed version?
Shinji: But, but, but..
Zef: <Shinji> But, but, but, but, bu--
<Ranko slaps Zef on the back>
Zef: <Shinji> But I thought you had turned into this huge white monster
that absorbed all souls on Earth before collapsing into itself in a
gooey mess of blood and gore which ended up with your gigantic head
splitting in two while grinning at me while I soiled myself and--
<breathes> --then all those body parts came from the sky and your big
stupid hand crushed my favorite ice cream store and I'm really pissed
andalloutofbubblegum!
Rei: Come on, lets go.
Zef: <Super Mario> Let'sa GO!
<Ranko pounds Zef into a fine paste>
WD: <Smiles>
*Walking down the sidewalk of Berlin*
Rei: What do you remember about me?
Shinji: Well, you were not as, well, alive back then.
Zef: <Shinji> Considering you and all your clones were kinda dissolved
and all.
WD: <Shinji> B-but, don't get me wrong! You were still attractive!
I swear!
Rei: Alive! What do you mean?
Ranko: Things like having a pulse, skin with a color other than
chalk-white, breathing, you know, that kinda junk.
Shinji: You didn't talk much, or at all really. You were very
independent and unsocial.
Ranko: Rei was Squall Lionheart?
Zef: I don't think Rei qualifies as independent. Doll-like automaton,
yes, but not independent.
WD: And she still needs a gunblade.
Rei: But Dr. Akagi tells me that I am very social now.
Zef: <Rei> I, like, y'know, could just *die* to watch Beverly Hills
90210 again, like, it's sooo super!
Ranko: <Rei, flat voice> Indeed, I am social. I even learned to laugh.
Listen, ha. Ha, ha ha. Ha.
WD: <Droopy> You know what? I'm happy.
Shinji: Well you are, but you were not the way I remember you.
Rei: I don't understand! Anyway, I think that you need to get
acquainted with my best friend.
Zef: <Rei> My very *best* friend... <wink*wink>
Ranko: Zef no hentai sukebe! <WHAM!>
WD: Where's the popcorn?
Shinji: How long have you been, umm, awake, I guess?
Rei: Oh,I have been in Berlin for about a Month now.
Zef: Because you're living in a dream world unless you're in Berlin.
WD: <Rei> But I'm still happy.
Shinji: Oh I see. Wait a minute! If you can't remember the past, then
how can you remember me?
Zef: The thousands of anti-Shinji fansites on the Web?
Ranko: Shampoo used her selective memory-erasing formula on her?
Rei: Well, I don't really know that, but I remember somebody that stood
out as an Eva Pilot,
Zef: <Rei> I think his name was Tom... No, wait, it was DJ. Or was it
Raiu? No, no, it was John. Yes, he was special.
WD: Nah, it was... LINA!
Everyone else: ...
Mr. Croup: You don't have any respect for yourself, do you?
WD: ...
and that person was you Shinji. I also remember
Asuka and somebody else that was most important of all, but I can't
remember his name.
Zef: <Rei> I think he wore those geeky tinted glasses, and had a really
lousy haircut and dressed like he was from 1969. You remind me of him a
bit, and I think his last name was the same as yours. Ring a bell?
Ranko: So, she blocked out every single instance of the guy who
basically ruled her life?
Zef: Can't say I blame 'er.
Shinji: Do you mean Toji?
Ranko: <Rei> Who?
Zef: <Shinji> You know, the little boy that went "squish"?
Ranko: <Rei> Oh, you mean "Stumpy".
WD: LOL! <Homer> Stumpy... uhuhuhuh...
Rei: No, not him
Shinji: Oh, oh dear, that must mean that it is Kaorou.
Zef: We've secretly replaced Shinji Ikari with Kasumi Tendou. Let's see
if Rei notices.
Ranko: Kaorou? Who the hell is that?
WD: Kaworu's twisted, evil, nifty, heterosexual... clone.
Rei: Yes that's him, but I can't remember what happened or what he did.
Shinji: Neither can I!
<Ranko and Zef facefault out of their seats>
Zef: You're one sad little traumatized kid, Shinji Ikari.
WD: If I were your dad, Shinji, I would have left you alone, at age 10,
just for that.
*Rei stops at a large group of Apartment buildings*
Rei: Well, here we are!
Shinji: This is where I am going to live?
Zef: You'll like it. Even the cockroaches break into song every now and
then.
WD: <Shinji> Cool! So, do we have any neighbors? <Rei> Yes, a guy named
Joe.
Rei: Correct, it is apartment number 3045. There should be somebody
here waiting for you.
Zef: <Rei> Never mind her maniac grin or her bloody battle axe.
WD: That means that there are just how many rooms per floor?
Shinji: Well thank you for walking me here Rei. I think I know the way
back to the Hospital now.
Rei: Miss Katsuragi will give you a call when you are needed. Nerv will
send you a driver when you are ready to go.
Ranko: "Miss" Katsuragi?
Zef: She got busted down from Major to civilian when her sordid affairs
with Hyuuga and Bridge Bunny #4 were discovered.
WD: I have a video tape right here!
Mr. Croup: Can we watch it instead?!
Shinji: Ok then, bye Rei.
Rei: Bye Shinji!
Ranko: <cutesy> Baibai!
Shinji: Gee, I wonder what my place will be like.
Zef: Considering your previous one, almost anything would be an upgrade.
WD: <Shinji> Gee, I wonder why I'm saying 'Gee' all the time now?
Mr. Croup: <Shinji> Gee, I don't know...
*Walking into the lobby*
Receptionist: Hello, can I help you?
Shinji: Can you tell me the way to room 3045 please?
Receptionist: Sure, go to the elevators and up to the 3rd floor. Just
follow the arrows.
Ranko: The arrows point the way to his room?
Zef: <shrugs> Hey, if traffic signs worked in Utena, they can work here.
WD: Maybe I could get some to find my room too!
End of Part I
WD: How sweet does that sound!
Part II
Zef: O... kay, that was sudden.
*Shinji is walking down the hall*
WD: Again.
Shinji: *Whispering* 3043, 3044, ahh here we go, 3045. Hello, is
anybody there?
Nerv Agent: Yes in here.
Zef: Gaaah! Don't DO that!
WD: <Shinji> HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET INTO MY PANTS?!
<Ranko whaps WD out of his seat>
*Shinji walks in the door*
Zef: Wouldn't you want to *open* it first?
Ranko: Maybe he's a ghost?
WD: No, no, you don't get it, he's walking IN the door.
Erick: <Shinji> Kinda cramped in here...
Shinji: I am Shinji Ikari, and I am here for my room.
Zef: I am Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to give me my
room, then die.
WD: <NERV Agent> DIE! <Shoots repeatedly>
Nerv Agent: Here are your keys. Captain Katsuragi will call you at 1500
hours.
Ranko: So they *did* demote her from Major?
WD: ... Mayor drawback, if you ask me...
Shinji: Ok, thank you.
Nerv Agent: No problem kid.
Zef: <NERV MiB> Ten years in the FBI, five in the CIA, and six as a
special Gehirn undercover operative, and I end up as some whiny kid's
gopher. My life sucks.
WD: <Jay> Kay, did we really have to erase Zed's memories and have him
babysit?
*Door shuts*
WD: I yawn.
*1500 hours*
*The phone starts to ring*
Zef: Don't you just love these beautiful, scene-setting and descriptive
passages?
WD: Heck, Robert Jordan wasn't this descriptive.
Shinji: Hello?
Misato: *on the phone* Shinji, did you get the Apartment alright?
Ranko: No, I'm talking to you from a public bathhouse. What the hell do
you think?!
Shinji: Yeah.
Misato: Asuka is awake and she is here at Nerv.
Zef: <Misato> We have her heavily sedated, gagged and bound, but she has
only maimed one Bridge Bunny and disemboweled Aoba. We think she's
finally all right!
WD: <Shinji> Gee! Can I choke her to death now?
We are going to brief
you on what happened so we will send a driver around to get you. Be
outside in 15 minutes.
Shinji: Ok bye.
*15 minutes later*
Zef: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Shinji's casual life is *that*
interesting.
WD: You really want to know what he did during those 15 minutes when he's
about to go and see ASUKA? AFTER THE MOVIE?!
Zef: On second thought, characters deserve to preserve some of their
mystery...
<Ranko whaps them both>
WD: Gee, I wonder why she did that?
Nerv Driver: Are you Shinji Ikari?
Shinji: Yeah that's me.
Nerv Driver: Hop in! I am here to take you directly to Nerv
Headquarters. No stops along the way, got it?
Ranko: <whining> But I gotta go to the bathrooooom!
Zef: Nice. No ID, no official certification. This guy could very well be
a self-insertion bent on getting rid of Shinji, for all we know.
WD: Should we stop him then?
All: Nah.
Shinji: Yeah, I got it. *Whispering* Its not like I know this place
well enough anyway.
WD: <Shinji> Shinji no Dummbkopf!
*25 minutes later*
Nerv Driver: Just go and ask somebody at the front desk, they will tell
you were to go.
Ranko: Since when does NERV have a front desk?
Zef: And why am I picturing Jeannine from The Ghostbusters as the
receptionist?
WD: And why did he take 15 minutes to get to Shinji, and 25 to get back?
Shinji: Ok thank you.
*Car drives off*
WD: *Car crashes*
Zef: *A chromed wheel cover rolls away*
Mr. Croup: *Driver dies.*
*At the front desk*
WD: Can I have my hamburger now?
Nerv secretary: May I help you?
Shinji: Yes, my name is Shinji Ikari and I- *She cuts him off*
Zef: --at the throat.
Ranko: Awfully dark today, ain't ya?
Zef: This fic is getting to me. I was spoiled by good quality.
WD: <Starts salivating and sharpening his knife> Hahaha... ha. ha,
haha...
<Everyone edges away from him>
<WD licks the knife>
<Everyone moves to the row behind him>
WD: <snickering> But I tell ya! EVASLAYERS IS GOOD! GOOOD!
Nerv Secretary: Come with me.
WD: <Secretary> Toothpicks!
Shinji: Ok.
*They walk down the hallway*
Nerv Secretary: Go to room 57829.
Zef: That's one <censored>load of rooms you got there.
Ranko: And this NERV isn't underground like the one in Japan.
WD: Ooooo looky there... a dead body!
Shinji: Uh, yes ma'am
*He counts the room numbers in his head as he walks*
<Zef laughs his head off>
Ranko: One... Two... Three... <yawns> Wake me up when he hits 57800.
WD: ... four... five... six...
Shinji: Gee, this place seems to be huge. I never knew about any major
wing of Nerv in Berlin, but we could be at Selee.
Zef: Selee. Twisted, benign and friendly counterpart to SEELE.
Ranko: And isn't SEELE a group of people, rather than an actual place?
WD: ...one hundred seventy two...
*He arrives at the room*
WD: Wrong number, that's room fifty seven thousand eight hundred and
thirty.
Ranko: <Shinji> *puff*puff* Fi... Finally...
Zef: <Secretary> Oops! My mistake! I meant room No. 2.
Erick: ... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH...........
Shinji: *Thinking to himself* Should I knock or let myself in. I wonder
if my Father will be in there, well at least Asuka will be there. I
think that I will be glad to see her.
Zef: Kid, if you *think* you'll be glad to see her, that's one major
clue right there that you won't.
And Rei. I wonder why she was so
different and who is this new friend she is talking about?
Zef: Her very *special* friend...
<Ranko punts Zef at the screen>
WD: HEY! CAN'T SEE!
Are they an
Eva Pilot?
Ranko: "Are they AN Eva Pilot"? How many people does he have in there?
Zef: Rei's new friend has a bit of a personality disorder.
WD: Or maybe it's that turtle from Never Ending Story. Or... Gollum!
Or just somebody that she knows. She didn't have any friends
in Tokyo 3! I wonder why she would have one now?
Ranko: I dunno, maybe she went out and got herself a life while you
snoozed away your Third Impact hangovers?
Zef: And does it bother anyone else at all that there's still a
populated Berlin, heck, that anyone but Shinji and Asuka is still alive
after the Great Gatorade Metamorphosis?
WD: Or in Earth for that matter? <Pauses> ... Gatorade?
*He presses the intercom button next to the door*
Shinji: Um, hello, Misato? Are you in there?
Misato: Yes, Shinji, come on in.
WD: <Misato> And take your clothes off, once you're inside.
Shinji: Ok
*He presses the door button*
*The door slides open*
*Shinji sees a rectangle briefing table with Misato and Ritsko on the
ends, Asuka on one side, Rei on the other side, and somebody else that
he has not seen before sitting next to Rei*
Zef: Ah. So *they* are Selee.
Ranko: At least they're not using those stupid "Sound Only" black
monoliths like in SEELE.
WD: Monoliths cool! Me like monoliths!
Asuka: SHINJI!
All: AAAH! My ears!
Shinji: ASUKA! Is that you!?
Zef: Actually, we've replaced Asuka Langley Sohryuu with Asuza Shiratori.
Let's see of Pen-pen notices before being cuddled to death.
WD: ...
Asuka: Of course its me you dummy! Achhhh,
<Zef laughs his head off again>
Ranko: When did Asuka start speaking like Groundskeeper Willie?
WD: Maybe she's got a hairball in her throat?
I'd never thought I would
miss you so much! Do you know what's going on?
<Zef chokes out in laughter>
Ranko: Um... Rei with a personality, and an Asuka that actually cares
for people? I thought we were gonna watch an Eva fic.
WD: ... Achhh!
Shinji: No Asuka, that's why I came here, to find out what is going on.
Misato: Ok Asuka, I know you missed Shinji, but we need to get started.
Zef: <Asuka> Dammit, I have to work on my aim. I won't "miss" Shinji
next time, I swear!
WD: <Ritsuko> Here, use my gun.
*Asuka and Shinji both sit down*
*Shinji looks at the person sitting next to Rei*
Shinji: *Whispering* Misato?
Zef: <Shinji> How can you be sitting here, when you're sitting over
*there*?
Ranko: <Misato> Oh dear.
WD: WHY AM I STILL THE PINK RANGER?
All: ...
Zef: Ultra-obscure.
Misato: *Whispering back* Yes Shinji?
Shinji: Who is that sitting next to Rei?
Ranko: Spot the self-insertion, folks.
WD: ...
Misato: Why don't you ask him yourself? Manus?
Manus: Yes, Captain?
Ranko: Manus? Why does that name sound like a porn star's?
Zef: <slaps his forehead, and glares at Ranko> Great. Now the only way I
can picture him is like Hot Rod from the Transformers.
WD: <Manus> Yeah, but nobody said anything about Han Solo!
Misato: Why don't you introduce yourself to Shinji and Asuka.
Asuka: Yeah, who are you?
Zef: <Asuka> I've been sitting here, across from you, for about three
hours, and only now I've thought of asking your name.
WD: Definitely in character.
Manus: Very well. I am Manus, Manus Celer Dei,
Zef: No relation to Celine Dion.
Ranko: Okay, but the minute he decides to change it to "Deus" I'm outta
here.
WD: That's his middle name.
Ranko: ... <pauses> Okay, but if any Gears show up, I'm hunting down the
author.
WD: Or... we could look up Saffron, tell him Manus is Ranma after having
a plastic surgery and have a recap of Dies Irae finishing this fic now.
Zef: Dies Irae would probably cheer me up at this point.
and like you Shinji, you
Asuka and Rei, I am an Eva Pilot.
Zef: <Manus> You Asuka. Me EVA pilot.
Ranko: Maybe he means he's an Evaluation Pilot?
Zef: If that means he shuts down in thirty days, I'm all for it.
WD: <Manus> Now, when should we start re-designing the Evas?
Shinji: oh, ok
Asuka: I see.
Zef: <Asuka> I've only awakened from my gruesome, mind-tearing
experience as a briefly-resurrected EVA pilot to meet a self-insertion
who will upstage me whenever I try to do something and probably try to
get me in the sack, but I refuse to react in any way that will imply I'm
acting in-character during this fic.
WD: Ah, don't worry, it's not like he destroyed an Angel that took out 29
Evas before, right?
<crack*boom*ominous thunder>
Ritsko: Now that we have all met each other, lets get down to business.
Rei already knows what has happened and so has Manus, so this is just
for you two.
Shinji: Ok
Asuka: Ok
Antybody: <Ritsuko> A few weeks ago, a great comet passed between the
Earth and the Moon, causing a catastrophe of cosmic proportions...
Zef: <Ritsuko> Apparently, there's a cosmic entity which goes by the
name of "Q" who didn't want us to turn into a big pool of Fanta, which
is why he retconned our world so Third Impact and our continued
existence weren't mutually exclusive. All that's well and good, but now
the entire planet is populated by witty, obnoxious new characters and
nobody knows where they came from.
Ranko: <Asuka> So the whole world is run by S.I.'s now?
WD: Self insertions? Here? Nah.
Ritsko: This may be a little overwhelming but try to stay in line. Four
months ago, the Third Impact occurred from inside the Geofront.
Zef: Technically speaking, it occurred about ten miles above Tokyo-3.
WD: Yeah, but she was floating face-down in LCL, so maybe she saw it
differently.
Like
the second Impact, the blast openly affected more than 70% of the
globe. And once again, we are on a different orbit around the sun. The
only continent not affected by the blast, was Europe.
Ranko: So, if Earth is on a different orbit, but Europe was not
affected...
Zef: Europe is a floating mass drifting through space? Neat!
WD: <Ritsuko> Now, we have attained contact with a highly advanced race
known as the 'Puchuu'. They were looking for someone named 'Excel'...
Mr. Croup: Idiot.
Antybody: But, weren't Central America and Indochina I don't know how many
more miles above water level than Europe?
And that is why
we are here.
Asuka: But if we were in Tokyo 3 when this happened, how
did we get here alive?
Zef: By the all-powerful magic of Narf! It helped reconstruct Thundera,
it retconned the people of Earth, and it is the stuff Twinkes are
made of!
WD: And made me what I am today.
Ranko: That explains so much.
WD: <Smiles>
Ritsko: That is because when you were told to do certain
Synchronization tests without your entyplug suits on, we were scanning
your bodies for a dummy plug for each of you.
Shinji: What?
Ranko: <Shinji> You mean that scene wasn't just about stupid, pointless
and humiliating fanservice meant to provide comic-relief while everyone
else fought a microbe-sized Angel?
Zef: I guess Mr. Author forgot that's why Rei was often seen in that
brain-and-stem LCL chamber down in Central Dogma. Not to mention that
dummy plugs don't quite work as "backups", but as simple imprints of a
basic brainwave so the EVA can get up and move.
Ranko: Fanboy.
Zef: Well, it's true!
WD: DUH!
Ritsko: Yes that's right, we created a dummy plug for every important
member of personnel essential for running project Eva, including:
Myself, Misato, Asuka, Shinji, Gendou Ikari, Futskie Kouo, and all Magi
Technicians and Programmers.
Ranko: Futskie Ku-who?
Zef: I think she means Professor Kozo Fuyutsuki.
Asuka: What, What about Kaji?
Zef: It would have been a bit hard to make a backup out of him, knowing
he was shot dead and all.
WD: <Asuka> Kaji? Shot dead? <pauses> What, What about Kaji...
Ranko: <Asuka> Why am I always the last one to find out about the big
stuff?
Ritsko: No, Kaji was a Japanese Army spy, and was not informed about
the Mass Dummy program.
Ranko: Mass Dummies? Is that the program that created Asuka?
<A giant red and orange foot crashes into scene, crushing the
space just one foot away from Ranko>
WD: Oh, gawd... they've found me...
He died like the Billions that did that fateful day in September.
Ranko: Wow. So billions of people were killed on the same exact day Kaji
was shot?
Zef: And wasn't "A day in September" the title of a movie somewhere?
WD: Wait! Does that mean that Spies are formally informed? Don't they
have to find stuff out by themselves?
Shinji: But if the Geofront was destroyed, then the Eva's have been
destroyed as well.
Zef: Well, lessee... EVA-00 fell down and went boom long before Third
Impact... EVA-01 was last seen floating enigmatically through the
eternity of space... EVA-02 pursued a career as a gourmet delicacy...
EVA-03 was torn apart in a pool of its own gore... and EVA-04 broke its
contract and signed up for a cameo in Turn A Gundam.
WD: <Ritsuko> But we use models now! <pulls one out> Ain't these cute?!
Ristko: Yes, however, when all the Eva's were built, their Genetic
codes and DNA strands were copied
Ranko: Geez, the redundancy of the Department of Redundancy is going
overboard with the redundancy of all those repetitions made by the
Redundancy Department.
WD: In short... yes.
and stored in Selee's Computer
Network. So basically, all the Eva's are still in our Possession.
Zef: Note the capital P in Possession.
Ranko: Well, they *were* all kinda possessed anyway.
WD: So that's why my Eva started turning it's head around 360�...
Mr. Croup: <Shinji> Is that why my Eva's pink?
WD: <singing> Pink! It's the color of passion!
Asuka: You mean, my unit 02 is still alive?
Ritsko: Yes
Zef: ..and no. A *clone* of Unit 02 may be alive, but the original --and
that means the one with Kyoko's soul in it-- turned into EVA chow a long
time ago.
WD: Tastes like chicken!
Shinji: But didn't Selee turn on us?
Ranko: <Misato> No, Shinji. WE are Selee. It was SEELE which turned on
us. Pay attention!
Misato: Yes, but the remaining forces of Nerv that were not destroyed,
rebelled and liberated all of Selee's computer files while destroying
the Corporation.
Ranko: SEELE was just a corporation? I thought it was an international
conspiracy...
Zef: Didn't you know? Keel Lorentz' true name was Bill Gates.
WD: <Eyes wide> HE WAS?
Ritsko: But we have bigger problems than the past. The Angels have
returned, and in bigger Numbers.
Zef: Again, note the capital N.
They first appeared 3 months ago, and
2 months ago more of the Dead See Scrolls have been found.
Ranko: <reading> "Addendum to the Prophecies of the Dead Sea Scrolls,
Annex One -- It's the End of the World as we know it and I feel fine"??
The hell--?
WD: <Pulls out a Dead Sea Scroll> Ahem... "Ayiee! Ayiee! Bringeth forward
Asuka of the thousand names! Ayiee! Ayiee! The stealer of sleep!"
Zef: <staring awkardly at WD> What...?
WD: <Stares at the scroll.> Oh... sorry, this was my copy of the
Necronomicon...
They state
that after the first initial test to mankind, they will send upon this
world a more feared and dangerous threat. Instead of only having one
Angel attacking at a time, they are coming in pairs and triples even.
Zef: That explains Pauly Shore and Carrot Top.
Ranko: And the Olsen Twins.
Zef: Gah!
WD: ...
Misato: Commander Ikari is now in complete control of the remaining
Nerv forces, funded directly by a more lenient UN.
Shinji: So we are here to Pilot Eva, again?
Ritsko: Yes.
Shinji: No!
Zef: <Shinji> Yes! No! Er, July 15! Albert Googleshnack! What was the
question again?
WD: "Who discovered America?"
Misato: Shinji!
Shinji: I won't do it, not after what I went through the first time!
Ranko: <Shinji> And self-insertion-boy will steal my spotlight in the
very first fight anyway!
WD: What did he go *through* anyway? A wall?
Ritsko: You must understand Shinji, You are the only one that has
Piloted Unit 01 successfully, and we have made some improvements to the
Eva, so it
wont be as painful as it once was.
Zef: <Ritsuko> We've added leather upholstery, three jumbo-sized
cupholders, a Dolby 5.1 system, minibar, and removed that painful
bike-like seat!
Ranko: <Shinji> Oo, oo, does it come in red and silver?
Zef: <Ritsuko> Yes, and now it comes with full sensory feedback, so the
next time it goes berserk and tries to eat an angel, you can taste it
too!
Ranko: <Shinji> Woohoo! Let's go!
WD: Wasn't it... Pink?
Shinji: It doesn't matter, it's the inner pain that hurts most of all!
Zef: That would be so deep if it weren't Shinji saying it. Or this fic,
for that matter.
WD: Pain is deep. The fall of angels. The rise of an Eva in winter...
- Basho.
Zef: <amazed> And if anyone at *all* got that joke, e-mail us.
Misato: Shinji, if you don't pilot the Eva, you will be letting the
world down. In a way the world needs you to help save the planet from
another 2nd Impact.
Ranko: Uh, Misato, you sure you meant to say that?
Zef: Poor Misato... She was so afflicted for being demoted to Captain,
she even forgot how to count...
Ritsko: My studies have shown that an explosion that big again, will
throw us into a direct orbital collision with Mars. If the 4th impact
comes about, the Earth will have 45.6 years of life before we directly
collide with Mars.
Zef: Fortunately, nobody will be alive to see that, as all forms of life
would perish about ten years into that scenario.
WD: Maybe the ALIENS on Mars will stop- damn, wrong movie...
Asuka: I'll do it!
Rei: I will to!
Manus: As will I!
<Zelda Theme starts playing on the background.>
Ranko: <snickering> "As will I"?
Zef: Ahh! Kunou wrote a self-insertion!
WD: <Manus> Silence, knave! I am the... am the... Pink star of Berlin-3!
Shinji: I don't know! None of you have been through what I have been
through, and you can't know what it feels like.
Zef: Ahem, Earth to Shinji: You haven't been eaten alive. Nor merged
with an Angel and then forced to explode. Nor crushed in the fist of a
sixty-meter-tall teen angst machine.
WD: Brain to feet: RUN!
Misato: I will give you a few days to think about it, then I would
expect an answer!
Zef: And the answer better be "yes", or she'll sic Pen-pen on you!
Ranko: <Misato> I *would* expect an answer, but I'll probably be bombed
out of my skull. Why did I ever switch to coffee, anyway?
WD:... is this the end?
<crack*boom*ominous whoopie cushion>
Zef: <looks at the speakers> Damn foley masters.
WD: ... um... yikes?
WD: <Manus> Behold, ye peasants! Mine rant ist over!
Zef: <Cyan> Thou art so... odd.
Antybody: Two things. Can I go now? And what the hell am I doing here?
WD: <Antybody> Why am I always the last one to know?
Ranko: <optimistic> At least there wasn't a "To be continued" or "End
Part II" or other threat like that. It just... ended.
WD: <Smiles, and fast-forwards>
Zef: I do NOT like where this is going.
Ranko: ...
***
Zef/Zephyr, Ranko Saotome and Lael Phaeron are the property
of Jorge A. Pratt.
Everyone else was on their own.
Riffed by Jorge Pratt (terbril@rocketmail.com)
and Wanderer D (wandererd@yahoo.com)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
desaix@sysnet.net
Sir Desaix, member # 116 of the Knights of the True Fiancee
anime fanfics available at
http://www.geocities.com/zednik.geo/fanfics.htm
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'