This I had to C&C right away ^_^
And in the midst of all the C+C, a fanfic. Not sure how much response a
If only I could C&C that fast... Or write that fast, for that matter
^_^;
Trigun fic will get, especially a short humor one, but after seeing the
series, figured I'll give it a try.
Saw the series so won't be much of a problem for me.
xxxxxxxxxxx
Writer's intro:
Dominique, the Cyclops. Gray, the Nine Lives. Chapel. Cain, the Long Shot,
Chapel, the Evergreen
I think.
E.G. Mine, and a host of other next door neighbor types more commonly
referred to as The Gung Ho Guns. A funloving bunch of guys and one gal
that
knew how to kick back, relax, and kill anything that moves in a variety of
colorful ways.
Heh
But little did people know that these were not the first
batch of folks to be go by such a cool name. (Well, Knives thought it was
cool, and we know what happens to people that criticize him.) Now,
Mindless
Tripe Productions is proud to present, unearthed from a secret vault
buried
under a really dry and sunny desert in the middle of nowhere, because it
really sucked and no one wanted to fess up that they did it...
Got my attention ^_^
The Top Ten Rejected Gung Ho Guns
Trigun is owned by Pioneer.
Any and all C+C is appreciated. You can contact me at
sommer@3rdm.net.
Angcobra is now storing all of my fics, including Roses and Swords, at
http://angcobra.jumpfun.com/dbsommer.html
And at Larry F's at:
http://lwf58.tripod.com/fan_fiction/d_b_sommer/index.html
And another site with some of my fics from the last couple of years is at
R+C books at:
http://dbsommer.rcbooks.org
Yep, some minor spoilers here from around episode 17 or so. The Vash
Flashback episode.
Don't think it's that much of a spoiler...
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Knives pulled himself out of the clear fluid-filled chamber that had been
home to him for several decades now. It was all because Vash, the insipid
fool, went over the line when all Knives had tried to do was help. But
Vash
Heh, Knives _would_ think that he was helping Vash.
would pay, and it would be in a lot more than the pitiful 60,000,000,000
double dollars those wretched humans were offering. Knives' chief flunky,
Legato Bluesummers, was on the case and had promised him that he would
band
together a group of pawns to use against Vash. This was, presumably, why
Legato had awakened him.
Legato: Actually, I just wanted to know if I'm getting my raise now.
As the fluid cleared from his eyes, Knives saw a group of ten strangers,
with Legato at the head of them, patiently waiting his recovery. It took
Knives but a minute to throw on an outfit and then wait for Legato to
explain.
Legato gestured to the group assembled behind him. "As you requested, Sir,
I've gathered together a group of dangerous outlaws to do your bidding in
your war against Vash the Stampede. Allow me to introduce-"
Legato: The group that could kick the Eight Devils of Kimone's asses.
"Wait a minute. What's that thing on your shoulder?" Knives pointed to the
set of iron spikes protruding from the right shoulder of Legato's outfit.
"It looks like you've sprouted a weather vane."
I always wanted to know what that was ^_^
"I had an accident with a wrought iron fence right before we came here. It
was silly, really. Slipped on a banana peel and fell into it. I killed
every
into -> onto (?)
So that's how he got it...
banana vendor in town, of course."
Legato: To ensure that no one else would meet the same fate, of course.
"I see. Rather stylish, in a Neo-retro sort of way. Keep it."
"Very good, sir. Now, allow me to introduce to you the Gung Ho Guns.
First,
sir -> Sir
we have, Makki, the Florist." Legato indicated a rather effeminate man,
Aw, not horticulturist? ^_^
dressed stylishly, and adjusting a bouquet in his hand.
Knives' eyebrows formed a 'V'. "Did you say, 'Florist'?"
"Yes."
"I suppose he can control plant growth or something."
Knives: Does his boquet turn into a gun when necessary?
"No, Sir."
"Sprout thorns and skewer people with them?"
"That would be news to me, Sir."
Heh
"What exactly is it he does, then?"
"He can brighten any room with a minimum of flowers. Note how he has made
'minimum number'
this otherwise dank rest chamber so much lighter with merely three
arrangements."
"It does look much brighter and cheerier. By the way, did you pick him up
in
San Francisco?"
"Why, yes. How did you know?"
"He just blew me a kiss."
Legato: Impossible. He already said that I was his true love.
"He's a caring individual. I can attest to that firsthand. But don't think
for one instant he's the committing kind."
"Riiight. I think I've learned far more than I wanted to about him. Moving
on."
Good move ^_^
Legato pointed to a second person. He had oily black hair, a dreadful dull
'dreadfully dull'
red polyester leisure suit, a white shirt with the first five buttons
undone, showing a hairy chest that was as oily as the hair on top of his
head, a number of gold necklaces, and a Mr. Microphone in hand. He tried
giving a dazzling smile, which died halfway into the effort, not that he
appeared aware of it. "This is Luigi, the Lounge Lizard."
"Now this sounds promising. Can he do something cool, like create waves of
pure force that are capable of rending flesh and metal merely by singing?"
Heh
"No, Sir."
"A pity. I rather liked that idea. So, what does he do?"
"He sings so badly that the enemy is forced to cover their ears rather
than
go for their weapons, thereby making them vulnerable."
"Not too bad. How do you keep our people from having to do the same?"
Earplugs ^_^
"..."
"You hadn't thought that far, did you?"
"I'm afraid not, Sir."
"Riiight. Moving on."
Legato indicated a third man. He was dressed as a cowboy, with a pair of
pistols in the gun belt he wore on his hips. His arms were currently
crossed
in front of his chest. "This is Toushu, the Quick Draw. He can outdraw any
man alive. His speed is superior to anyone, even Vash the Stampede."
"Now this I have to see."
"You just did." Toushu informed him.
Heh, for a moment there I thought he actually drew on his opponent's
face.
Knives blinked. "I beg your pardon."
"There, I did it again."
"Did what?"
"Drew on you."
"No you didn't. You were just standing there. You arms were crossed and
out
in the open the entire time."
"Nope. I drew both times. And I just did it a third time while we were
talking."
Knives: What about shooting?
Toshu: I'm also supposed to shoot?
"Impossible! No one is that fast." Knives grabbed a glass sitting on a
nearby table and held it high and away from his body. "Prove it. Shoot
this
glass out of my hand."
"You want me to shoot that there glass?"
He's stalling ^_^
"Yes, unless you were lying about drawing."
"No, I drew. Okay." Toushu spit into his hands, tensed up, then crossed
his
arms again.
A gunshot rang out, despite the fact the man appeared standing still.
Knives, for the first time in his existence, was impressed with a 'mere'
human. "That was unbelievable. You're at least ten times faster than Vash.
Legato: And imagine if he had some sort of aim, Sir.
You'll be able to kill him easily." Knives place the glass back on the
table. "Now we can... wait a minute!" He looked at the intact glass again.
"I told you to shoot this. You missed."
Heh
"My gun sights are off is all. Hold it up again."
Knives did so. Again the man appeared to be standing perfectly still when
a
shot rang out.
Somewhere in the distance, a cat screeched in agony.
So that cat was around afterall ^_^
Knives' eyebrows furrowed again.
He seems to be doing that a lot in this fic ^_^
Toushu said, "I sneezed."
"No you didn't."
"I did it too fast for you to hear. I'll hit it for sure this time."
Heh, blame it on his speed ^_^
A third shot rang out. Luigi went down, holding his foot in obvious agony.
The shot was made all the more remarkable by the fact he was standing ten
feet behind Toushu at the time.
Heh
Now just how far does he pull out the gun before shooting? ^_^
"Windage," Toushu calmly explained.
"We're indoors, you moron! You couldn't hit the broadside of a barn!"
"Not true. I've hit the side of a barn before."
Doubt he was aiming for it.
"Were you aiming at it at the time?"
"Well, you see, the sun got in my eyes-"
Told ya ^_^
"Enough!" Knives turned his attention to Legato again. "Show me the next
one."
Legato pointed to a tall, but average-looking man with unruly brown hair
and
a wild look to his eyes. He wore a set of colorful furs. "This is
Bestiality
Bob. He-"
Bob (holds dead cat in hands as he feels it up): But _you_ can call me
Oscar.
Knives: ARRGGHHH!!!!!
(Knives grabs gun and shoots Bestiality Bob)
"I don't want to know. Next."
Smart man.
Legato pointed to the handsome man standing next Bob. He was dressed in a
rather tight set of leather pants and a plain white shirt that did little
to
hide his finely chiseled chest. "This is Sasi, the Foot Long Spike."
"Foot Long Spike? Is that because he has a-"
"You don't want to know that either, Sir."
"Ah, probably not. Moving right along."
Heh
Great, now you got me thinking of why he got that name ^_^;
Legato indicated a beautiful woman whose impressive chest was barely
restrained by the tight black leather outfit she wore, and ensemble which
and -> an
Also, 'she wore;' (?)
hugged her in all the right places. A set of razor sharp swords were held
in
I don't think 'were' is necessary.
scabbards crossed behind her back. A pair of wicked-looking guns were also
strapped to her waist. She gave Knives a dangerous, yet sultry glance.
"This
Legato: Is Tai, the Kunoichi.
Knives (drools): I see...
Legato: Actually, you see, there was this problem.
Knives: ... problem?
Legato: Tai... well, she asked about how big you and Vash were.
Knives: Go on.
Legato: And after finding out that Vash has a huge advantage over you
in size, she ran off looking for her future lover.
(Legato then takes off her costume, including, to Knives
dissapointment, the fake breasts)
Legato: So I instead got you her sister - Mai, the Kunoichi.
Knives: And what does she do?
Legato: She can make any guy drop dead at the sight of her breasts.
Observe.
(Legato moves Mai in front of Bestiality Bob and opens her shirt)
Bob (staring): What are these supposed to be?
Knives: ...
Legato: Let's try it with someone else.
(Legato moves Mai in front of Devem)
Devem: ...
Legato: See! He's dead already.
is Katrina, the Razorfist."
"If she's even half as good as she looks, or even half as good as her name
sounds, she's going to be something we can work with."
"I doubt that, Sir. She's just the token female."
"Token female? But, the swords and guns?"
Well, if she got lucky, she might be able to injure the guys while they
pay attention to other things.
"Just for show. She doesn't have the faintest idea how to use either."
"And the, ah, impresive leather outfit?"
"Do you honestly believe anyone could fight in an outfit that tight? It's
purely eye candy."
Knives: You mean she can't move? Even at this moment?
Legato: Correct, Sir. That glance she gave you before was actually her
pleading for some air.
Knives gave her one last mournful look, then moved on. "Who's next?"
Legato pointed next to him. "Yurimaru, the Constipated."
"There's no one where you're pointing."
"Yurimaru had to go to the restroom while we were introducing the others.
He
does that frequently with the problem he has."
Knives: And what does he do?
Legato: When the enemy starts charging, he gets in the way, turns
around and...
Knives: I've heard enough!
"Riiight. Moving on once again."
Legato indicated a body lying next to Makki. "That's Devem, the Corpse."
'a body' -> 'the body' (?)
"And he has the the ability to..."
"Decompose, Sir."
Legato: He's our portable decoy.
"He's doing it now, isn't he?
"Even as we speak. That's another good reason to have a florist in the
group. Helps to drown out the smell."
Heh
"This is all because I didn't give you a raise during your last
evaluation,
isn't it?"
"I have no idea of what you mean, Sir."
"Money's been tight, you know. It's not like I have a source of income. I
am
a psychopath that's never even had a job. And with me being bottled up for
At least he admits what he is ^_^
so long, well, I don't have two double dollars to rub together. You do
understand, don't you?"
Legato: Completely, Sir. And I now present to you a video I've gotten
which shows all the wonderful things Bestiality Bob can do.
"Of course I do, Sir. Your personality is more than enough to sustain me.
Shall we continue?"
"Why not? Not that it will do any good."
Legato moved next to a man that was dressed in cowboy regalia, just like
Considering that most there dress as cowboys, it's not that impressive
^_^
Toushu. "This is Chuck."
"Chuck, the Wagon?"
"No, sir."
sir -> Sir
"Ground Up Chuck?"
"No."
"Just Chuck?"
"Just Chuck."
"Rather boring, isn't it?"
"I suppose."
"And what does he do?"
"Haven't the faintest idea. He introduced himself as Chuck and just
started
following us one day."
Hehehehe
"I hate you."
"Only one left, sir. Then it will all be over."
sir -> Sir
Legato sounds rather ominous ^_^
This was exactly why all the humans needed to die. "Just get on with it."
Heh
Legato indicated a fairly average-looking man in his fifties with a
slightly
bulbous nose. He was a bit overweight, had a low cut of whitish hair, and
wore a nice business suit. There seemed to be a perpetual smile on his
face.
Legato said, "This is Slick Willy."
...
That's low...
The man stepped forward to shake Knives' hand. "How're you doing? Found
myself unemployed recently and I'm trying to make ends meet. Don't suppose
you've got any spare interns lying around."
He was probably staring at Katrina while talking.
"RIGHT! That's it! All of you except Legato, get close together."
"What about Devem, the Corpse?" someone asked.
"Just drag him along."
Knives watched them get together in a small group. "Someone's missing."
Making sure that he only has to shoot once ^_^
"I'm coming," an overweight middle-aged balding man shouted as he ran from
the direction of the restroom, adjusting his pants along the way.
For some reason I'm thinking of Homer Simpson ^_^;
Once Yurimaru had joined the others, Knives said, "Perfect."
"Now what?" Toushu asked.
Now for the fun adventure of Gung Ho Guns version 1.0 to begin...
"Now this!" Knives pulled out a long barreled pistol and fired. From in
the
'From the'
He probably wanted to do that from the beginning ^_^
middle of a group a pitch black hole formed in mid-air. It was pure
'middle of the group,'
obsidian, and did not reflect light in the slightest. It expanded to a
huge
size before the others could react, sucking them in as the surface of the
orb touched their skin. Their screams and struggles (except for Devem, who
accepted his fate with grim aplomb) were to no avail as they were
inevitably
At least one of them was rather accepting of his fate ^_^
consumed by oblivion.
... Or maybe not.
The last thing Knives heard was Makki shouting, "When I wished I could
disappear in a black hole, I didn't mean it this wayyyyy." His voice
trailed
off into nothingness.
Hehehehe
Once all trace of the 'Gung Ho Guns: Version 1.0' was eradicated, Knives
breathed a sigh of relief.
Legato was left pouting. "It took me nearly a whole week to dig those guys
Legato pouting? That's new ^_^
up. And in Devem's case, I mean that literally."
Heh
"I want cool Gung Ho Guns!" Knives wailed. "Not morons like that. I
want...
I want stylish guys. Like, maybe someone that wears a visor and shoots
red
'stylish guys' (spacing)
beams of energy from his eyes. And a short guy that can make claws grow
out
of his hands and heal real fast. Maybe an attractive woman of color that
can
control the weather too."
"Copyright problems there, Sir."
Knives: Okay, then how about a half-burnt mummy swordsman? And a giant
with a small man on top. A blind swordsman. Plus a crossdresser who
knows how to kill.
Legato: They'd get annihilated rather fast in this world.
Knives: Then... A huge rock-man with a kick-ass spinning weapon. And a
woman that can hypnotize and control snakes. Maybe a small man that
can control killer bees. And, of course, a blind swordsman.
Legato: Hmm... How about a swordsman that could see, cut through
buildings, and know how to use a gun?
Knives: Good enough.
"Damn!"
"Well, Sir, there is good news. You said you thought being able to
manipulate sound waves as destructive energy was impressive. I heard that
there is someone that can do that."
"He sings?"
Legato: As well as Luigi, the Lounge Lizard.
"Plays an instrument."
"Trumpet?"
"Saxophone, I think."
"Well, okay. As long as it isn't a tuba. I don't like tubas. No member of
my
Gung Ho Guns is allowed to use a tuba."
"Got it, Sir. And I believe I heard of a cross bearing man who has guns
concealed in the his giant crucifix."
"Sounds like a religious fanatic. I don't like those. They preach all that
fire and brimstone crap. And then they find out I want to exterminate the
human race and get all bitchy and say I'm going to hell, and then I always
end up killing them because they make so much noise. It's just a major
pain."
Heh
"I think it's more a style thing than any actual fanaticism. Remember, he
is
a killer."
Knives: Yes, but he might be one of those people that has to weird like
pray for someone after he kills them.
Knives considered that for a long moment. "I guess so. All right. We'll
build upon that as a core and work outward from there." Knives yawned.
"Now,
I'm tired, and going back to sleep. Wake me up when you have them
assembled."
Tired so soon?
"Very good, Sir."
"And Legato."
"Yes, Sir?"
"Consider that raise yours."
Legato wins out in the end. Not only does he get a raise, but he has
nine live humans (and one corpse) destroyed.
"Very good, Sir. I'm sure you'll be much more satisfied with the next
group
I bring you. Nighty-night."
"Nighty-night," Knives said as he yawned again and went back into his
chamber, Dreams of murdering sax players and cross bearing gunmen dancing
'chamber, dreams'
through his mind.
Sweet dreams, indeed ^_^
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Done! Only took me two days to C&C this ^_^;
No prereaders this time out. No need in inflicting that sort of harm upon
everyone.
They'd probably still end up reading it if they know about Trigun ^_^
Thanks for reading and allowing me this trip into tasteless humor.
Liked it.
Had me laughing out loud, causing my parents to wonder just what I was
doing online ^_^
Ginrai
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