This was a starter entered into the Impro Channel 5 sweeps at
http://www.improfanfic.com/ a while back.  It didn't win, but I thought it
was worth a posting anyway. ^_^

--
"To you and me, this rice means nothing, but to my ancestors...don't mess
with my family.  Apologize to the rice." -- Chow Yun-Fat
--
http://pomi.sandwich.net/


-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: deusexcel.txt

I, Koshi Rikudo, hereby allow Excel Saga to become a really badly
written game fusion improspamfic chibi-thing.

*WHAM*
KOSHI
RIKUDO

                                *LOADING*

It was a bright and happy and sunny spring morning!  And everyone was
happy because it was graduation!  And the author used way too many
exclamation points in his opening sentences!  But enough of that.

Excel Denton, new graduate of the Spector School for People with Too
Much Time on Their Hands, skipped on the way out of the ceremony.  She
was free!  FREE!  And she even found a job, too!

"Ne, Excel, where're you going?" called a random student whose name was
far too unimportant to mention.

"o/~ YYOOOOOOOOUUUUUU-ENNNNNNNNN-AAAAAAAAAAT-COOOOOOO! o/~" was her
response.  Off-key, maybe, but so what?

She continued skipping across, singing her little four-note tune to
anyone who cared, as well as to those who didn't.

"o/~ YYOOOOOOOOUUUUUU-ENNNNNNNNN-AAAAAAAAAAT-COOOOOOO! o/~
o/~ YYOOOOOOOOUUUUUU-ENNNNNNNNN-AAAAAAAAAAT-COOOOOOO! o/~"

It might not have been the catchiest song, but Excel didn't care.  It
was all she needed, and it was the most beautiful thing she could think
of.  The job might not pay well, and she might die, but who cared?  The
man who interviewed her was HOT!

"o/~ YYOOOOOOOOUUUUUU-ENNNNNNNNN-AAaaAAAAaaaaAAt-CoOOOOoooOoOO! o/~"

She continued skipping along, until the APC cruiser that was sent to
pick her up ran her down and she died.

                                *LOADING*

DEUS EXCEL
by Lawrence Chu
loosely based on situations by Warren Spector/ION Storm/EIDOS
     Interactive
characters are property of Koshi Rikudo.
All rights reserved.  Don't sue, I'm broke.  Don't try to indict me on
     any drug busts, either, all this whack is purely from caffeine.
     Really.

                                *LOADING*

--New York City, Liberty Island
--Time: 03:02:03AM
--Date: 21 October, 20XX (two days after the previous scene)
--Pot: Inhaled, I've gots me the munchies now

The ship docked out on the Southern End of the harbor, and newbie agent
Excel (codenamed "XL" because nobody could bother giving her a cooler
name) Denton stepped out, and scanned the horizon for her contact, who
came up to her almost immediately.

"XL-san," Hyatt breathed, since her vocal cords were too busy on
vacation somewhere, "It's good to see..."

*thud*

"AAH!" XL screamed, flapping her arms like a chicken on crack.  "My
contact's dead!  What am I going to--"

"...you," Hyatt continued as she stood up again.  "I'm supposed to give
you your..."

*thud*

                                *LOADING*

Meanwhile, Doctor Pedro Reyes was inspecting a wounded UNATCO trooper.
He was really hoping that this job at UNATCO would help bring his sexy
wife and adorable child over to the United States, so that they could be
together again.  Oh, just the thought of...what was that screaming?

He looked down and noticed the troop he was inspecting had a scalpel
driven through his gut, apparently thrust in there by himself.

"I'm so sorry," Pedro whined.  "I didn't mean to do this to you!  What
am I to do now?!"

"My HMO doesn't cover treating scalpel wounds to the gut, so I guess
I'll just kick off," said the trooper before he died.

Pedro's hands started trembling.  A man was dead.  Worse, he was the one
who killed the man.  Even worse, this meant his paycheck might be
deducted from!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

                                *LOADING*

A few minutes later, back on the docks of Liberty Island, Hyatt stood up
again.

"...assignment.  One of our agents is trapped in the Statue of Liberty,
and we think an NSF leader is in there, too," Hyatt finished as she
handed over a dossier.

"Woohoo!  I'm on my first assignmentYAAAAAAY!" Excel screamed as she ran
off and got killed by an NSF guardian mech.  Hyatt died again, but
nobody really cared.

*thud*

                                *LOADING*

"I'll take the RPG!" XL chirped, unaware that she died in the last
scene.

"Ano...I haven't gotten to that part of the dialogue script yet," Hyatt
commented.

"Just give it to me!" XL shouted before snatching it and running off.

"I believe it's time to die again," whispered Hyatt before shuffling off
this mortal coil.

*thud*

Meanwhile, XL charged up to the entryway of the Statue of Liberty and
fired a few rockets at the guardian mech playing sentry.  The mech went
up in flames, which was expected.

The flames landed on crates of TNT, which was NOT expected.

Those crates of TNT went up in flames, which was expected.

Those flames landed on MORE crates of TNT, which was NOT expected.

This continued on, which was expected.

Within minutes, Lady Liberty was a pile of rubble, which SHOULD have
been expected.

Oops.

                                *LOADING*

"Rifleriflegimmetherifle!" XL demanded, because the author had the
ability to change these things.

*thud*

"Oh, you're giving me all of these?  WAAAAAAAI!" XL X-claimed to the
X-treme.  "It's time to kick names and take ass!"

                                *LOADING*

o/~ La la la, comm officers are the scum of the earth, o/~
o/~ It doesn't matter if one dies, la la la o/~

Koshi Rikudo looked up from his station, where he was monitoring XL's
activities.  Casually grabbing the fourth wall and yanking it open, he
said to the audience, "I apologize for this piece of crap.  Lawrence
made me do it."

                                *LOADING*

Excel decided to take the rear entrance to the Statue of Liberty this
time, sneaking in as quietly as possible.

"Take THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!"

After dispatching every single NSF terrorist on the outside of the
island, she proceeded to do the same with those in Lady Liberty.

*BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and
THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* 
"and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!"
*BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and
THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* 

                                *LOADING*

While this was going on, a man was busy planning his escape in the
basement of the Statue of Liberty, when the sole door to his cell
opened.

"Give it up, Nabeshin," the man said as he walked into the light.

Nabehin looked up and gasped.  "It's YOU!"

YOU! looked back at Nabeshin and smiled an evil smile of sorts.  "So we
meet again."  He lit a cigarette.  "I never thought I'd cross paths with
you in this situation."

The shadows crossed Nabeshin's face, emphasizing the dark moodiness in
his voice, as well as making him look a hell of a lot more dramatic.
"How could you do this...?!  YOU!...You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
don't you know that?!"

"The world is changing, Nabeshin," YOU! said matter-of-factly.  "And
there's nothing we can do about it.  After the Grey Death was released,
people started dropping left and right."  A man fell past the one window
in the cell, as if to illustrate the point.  YOU! drew another puff from
his cigarette.  "There's a war starting.  Are you sure you're on the
right side?"

"I can't believe it...how could you do this?!  How COULD YOU!?!"

"I'm not doing it for my own good," YOU! replied.  "Believe me when I
say this.  But for now, I'll have to leave you here.  Your friends are
trying to recover you, but I doubt they'll make it.  Because of all the
gas set to pour into this room, you've only got a few minutes to live,
I'm afraid."

"DAMN YOU!!"

YOU! closed his eyes before exiting the room.  The door shut behind him
with a *click* that echoed through the cell, followed by the slow but
steady hiss coming from the ceiling.

                                *LOADING*

"and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!"
*BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and
THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* 
*BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and
THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* 
"and...huh?"

XL looked around to survey the damage she had caused.  Not a creature
was stirring, not even a four-eyed nostrum wallaby.  This room was
fairly intact, unlike the other rooms she had literally blown through.

Barging through a door (and setting off the gas trap on it, like she
cared) she finally came across her target.

YOU! held his hands up and turned around.  "Your friend's in there.  Go
free him if you want...but then you lose me.  But if you arrest me, your
friend dies.  What do you*THUD*"

Somewhere out there, bells rang. *DONG*
A man hammered open a walnut, shattering its shell. *CRACK*
Someone chewed on a Gobstopper. *CRUNCH*
Monks stepped on some ceremonial wine grapes, splattering its contents
all over the ground. *SPLAT*
A stick of dynamite blew open a couple of perfectly round boulders.
*KABOOM*

None of this had anything to do with the fact that XL bowled YOU! over
on her way to the door, sending him flying into the wall and knocking
him out.  Yanking the door open, she found a note in the cell reading,

     Sorry I couldn't stay around!
     HA HA HA *cough* HA HA HA HA!
                    -N.

XL spent the next few minutes pondering why the heck someone wrote a
cough sound in their note, as UNATCO troops flooded into the Statue.

*I had to get some intercom transmission stuff going in your head, just
to make sure people know that I can do something like this,* Koshi
Rikudo broadcasted to XL's mind.

"Roger!" XL chirped back.

*And don't chirp.  It's annoying.*

                                *LOADING*

As everyone walked out, XL found a shiny button and asked herself,
"What's this?"

*pushKABOOM*

The rest of the Statue of Liberty collapsed behind her.

Oops.

EPISODE 1: I LOOKED DEATH IN THE EYE AND SCREAMED LIKE A WUSS
TODAY'S EXPERMENT........FAILED.

                                *LOADING*

Author's notes:
Blame Demota. ^_^;;  He came up with the pun name a while back, and I
just thought of a way to turn it into a story (insofar as you can call
this a story).  And...well, this is it.  If you vote for this, not only
will I be your friend for life, but I'll buy whatever crack you're
smoking off of you too, because it's gotta be strong shit.

This was written in two sittings, thirty minutes or so each.  Late at
night, to be sure.  Thanks to ^_-d (The Smiley Formerly Known As Puu)
and Dan Wood for initial prereading and to Lurker, Yu-Mei, Rei, Anko,
and ^_-d again for final prereading.

Thanks for reading.  Meanwhile, I'm outta here. ^_^

Lawrence

Songs listened to during the writing of this fic:
A lot of Bloodhound Gang
A lot of Mr. Bungle (particularly Ma Meeshka Mow Skwoz, which was set to
loop)

Notes to authors:
THIS IS CHIBI.  Do whatever the hell you want to the story.  It matters
not if you know jack about Excel Saga, because this fic pretty much sums
up what it's like.  I think.  It matters not if you know jack about Deus
Ex, because this fic is more heavily influenced by Excel Saga.  (Of
course, it'd make the fic a lot more...uh...true to Deus Ex if you've
played the game, but what the hell.)  Otherwise, have a looksee below.

For those unfamiliar with either member of the fusion:
DEUS EX is a First-Person shooter/Role Playing game where you play JC
Denton, an agent for the United Nations Anti-Terrorist Coalition
(UNATCO).  The premise of the game is, basically, "what if all those
conspiracy theories you hear about are true?"  For those of you who are
used to Quake and Unreal Tournament and stuff, this game is a refreshing
break from the norm and the learning curve isn't TOO steep.  I highly
recommend it to anyone who has yet to play it.  ANYone.  This game is
seriously excellent, and neither the fic nor this description do it
justice.  At least give the demo a try.  (http://www.deusex.com/)

EXCEL SAGA (full name: Strange Experimental Animation Excel Saga) is a
story...well, it isn't a story.  It's a rabid excuse to make fun of just
about every genre of story out there.  The supposed premise is that the
Secret Underground Organization ACROSS, led by the conglomerate
bishounen Il Palazzo, is attempting to take over the world by...doing
nothing that has to do with taking over the world.  He has his
underlings--Excel (who has a mad crush on him) and Hyatt (who he has a
mad crush on--yeah, bad grammar, sue me) carry out the assignments.
Excel is known for Major Collateral Damage.  Hyatt is known for Dying
Constantly.  The Great Will of the Universe has to come in and reset
things several times per episode.  A director-avatar called Nabeshin
wanders around doing a bunch of stuff and basically being a twink.  A
foreign construction worker named Pedro sleeps with the Great Will of
the Universe (which, incidentally, is a floating blue ball of stars) and
is transported into an alternate dimension.  And none of this even
touches on the roommates next door, or on Koshi Rikudo himself, or on
Menchi the Domestic Emergency Meat Ration, or anything else.  This is
NOT your everyday anime.  Check out the Anime Web Turnpike links for
more info.


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