Better never than late . . .errrr . . .
My comments In My Opinion ONLY.
Take what you find useful and ignore the rest.
Comments@@


Date:
        Sun, 08 Jul 2001 19:13:42 -0700 (PDT)
   From:
        Troy Thomas <Silentnova@go.com> | Block
Address | Add to Address Book
 Subject:
        [FFML] [Ranma 1/2]Curing of the Cat Fist Part
One
     To:
        ffml@anifics.com



<SNIP>
Troy

***

@@Disclaimer???

<SNIP>
Curing the Cat Fist
By Troy Thomas

Ranma 1/2 and its characters are the creations and
properties 
of Rumiko Takahashi. Excepting flames, if you have any

comments or criticisms, feel free to send them my way.

***

Part One
Scaredy Cat

@@Love the chapter titles.

It was early in the summer morning, when three people
entered 
the Tendo dojo.

"Are you sure you've thought this all the way
through?" Akane 
Tendo asked, following the leader with her hands
folded 
across her waist. A bead of sweat ran down the side of
her 
face.

@@I can't really get this picture. Especially the
"hands folded across
her waist."
That sounds like she's sitting down.


The man she was questioning, Genma Saotome, ignored
her 
actual question, and answered a question he wanted to
hear, 
"Akane, I believe I finally have the answer to Ranma's
fear 
of cats!" He beamed. "After he's cured, you and he can

finally be married!"

@@Better:
     "Genma Saotome ignored her question and answered
a question he wanted to hear."

Don't need "The man . . .questioning,"


"Uh yeah, but what about Ranma? Are you sure he wants
to be 
cured right now?" Akane enquired. She looked worriedly
at the 
squirming young man, who was tied up by a thick steel
chain 
and wrapped in meaty looking bologna, riding on
Genma's 
shoulder. "It would seem the cure is worse than the 
problem..."

@@And "non-meaty" bologna looks like . . .???

"Don't worry about a thing, Akane." Genma patted his
son, 
Ranma, on the back, and began to smile. "After
tonight, Ranma 
will have an entirely new opinion about his old man.
Right 
Boy?"

The young man squirmed in reply, and if weren't for
the gag 
in his mouth, the young man would've been screaming.

@@Ummm . . .seems too mild a physical reaction.
EXAMPLE:
     Ranma heaved against the chains, and only the
gag kept him from screaming.

1) A physical reaction more in keeping with sheer
terror than squirming.
You squirm if you've got to use the bathroom. You
writhe if you're burning
at the stake.

2) "weren't" is past tense, takes away from the
immediacy of the action.
Ranma is chained up _right now_ in present time.

A tear ran down Genma's face. "You see, after I taught
Ranma 
the Cat-Fist, I never again tried to cure my boy of
his 
girlish fear of cats..."

@@Actually he tried several times, using just this
method. ^_^

"I'm a girl, and I don't fear cats, Mister Saotome..."
Akane 
warned.

@@ Does not flow well.
EXAMPLE:
"I'm a girl and I'm not afraid of cats . . ."
While they are equivalent in meaning, the second
is more natural sounding.

OR
 "I'm a girl," Akane said warningly, "and I'm not
afraid of cats."
OR
 "I'm a girl," Akane reminded him, "and I'm not afraid
of cats."


Genma thought for a moment, running a hand over his
bandana. 

@@Ummm . . .sounds funny. Why not "running a hand over
his
bald head." 
Or something similar.

"Then let me rephrase myself...I never again tried to
cure my 
boy of his cowardly fear of cats.

@@RANMA: "Hello, Tokyo Veterinary College?
I've got a Panda I'd like to have neutered."

Ranma spit the gag out of his mouth. "I ain't afraid
of 
nothing!" He began thrashing his body about, which
caused his 
father to lose grip on him. After being dropped, the
boy 
jumped to his feet, and glared at Genma. "And it's all
your 
fault anyway!"

@@Replace "the boy" with "Ranma"
And you don't really need "his body"

EXAMPLE::
     Ranma spat out the gag. "I ain't afraid of
nuthin!" He began thrashing wildly, causing Genma to
lose his grip. Ranma hit the ground with a thud,
squirming
out of his chains and lunging to his feet. "It's all
your fault
ya old fart."


OK, let's do it line-by-line so you can see why I did
what 
I did.

       Ranma spit the gag out of his mouth. "I ain't
afraid of 
@@Ranma spat out the gag. "I ain't afraid of

@@IMO, while the original if perfectly correct, "spat"
has
a much harsher sound, more in keeping with the mood of
the
piece. It also makes for a shorter sentence, which I
also feel
better fits the mood.


       nothing!" He began thrashing his body about,
which caused his 
@@nuthin!" He began thrashing wildly, causing Genma to

@@Used [nothin'] removed the soft "g" sound.
"thrashing wildly" conveys more than "thrashing his
body about"
"causing Genma to" OR "which caused Genma to" are
about equal.
IMO the important thing is to replace "his father"
with "Genma"
which is shorter and more direct.




       father to lose grip on him. After being
dropped, the boy 
@@lose his grip. Ranma hit the ground with a thud,
squirming

@@More direct and descriptive to say "Ranma the ground
with 
a thud" And here's the point where Ranma would be
"squirming"
although there are other words equally descriptive of
what 
he's doing.

Why use "the boy"?
And "After being dropped" is too indirect.  Stay with
the action.



         jumped to his feet, and glared at Genma. "And
it's all your 
fault anyway!"

@@out of his chains and lunged to his feet. "It's all
your fault
ya old fart."

@@The critical points are to be more descriptive here.
"Jumped" is good,
especially the hard "d" ending. I'd rather use
"lunged" which is even more dramatic.
(Play with the thesaurus)
And I used "ya old fart" to emphasize that Ranma is
_not_ pleased with
Genma. 


<SNIP>

Shooing the cat away, Genma picked the boy up and
tossed him 
over his shoulder. "It just will, okay? Now would you
mind 
opening that trapdoor?" He pointed to the dojo's
floor, where 
there really was a trapdoor.

@@ "where there really was a trapdoor." sounds just a
bit,
strange.

"Do I hear cats?" Akane wondered aloud. She crouched,
and 
then opened the door. "Oh my..."
@@And why does Akane sound like Kasumi? It's not just
the
"Oh my . . ." either.  Akane's usually not very
restrained in
dealing with Genma (or her father for that matter)
when they do
something stupid. Overall she's sounding much too
polite. In this
case I think if you switched Kasumi for Akane or just
added her to
the scene, having Akane come along at the end, in time
to bash
Genma it would be a better fit. IMO ^_^



Before having any chance to comment on the especially
hungry 
yowling coming from beneath the dojo, Ranma was tossed

screaming into the pit.

"Are you kitties really hungry?" Genma asked,
crouching 
beside Akane looking into the pit, his voice hollering
after 
the falling form.

@@I don't see Akane just standing by and letting Genma
throw
Ranma into a pit of cats. Kasumi perhaps, or Nabiki.
(she'd
probably
take pictures) but this seems very odd.


***

She looked down at the mass of cuts and bites. Her
eyes were 
narrowed and disbelieving. "Why the heck did I even
believe 
you?" she asked. "Why the heck did you even think
bologna 
would cure him?"

@@T. THOMAS: "Because I am the author. I am as 
a GOD to you foolish manga characters. TREMBLE before
me, puny pen and ink characters for I can make
you do my bidding. BWAHAHAHAHA!!"

"Because when he was...six...the fish...stakes, 
sau...sausages, and...pepperoni didn't...work!" Genma 
replied, before falling into unconsciousness.

Stepping gingerly over the beaten man 

@@And just who did the beating & when?


and around the hundreds 
of screaming and frightened cats,

@@Errrr . . .having been on the wrong end of
a _single_ screaming and frightened cat I find it
difficult
to envision her "stepping gingerly . . .around
hundreds of
screaming frightened cats." Unless she's wearing steel
underwear
she's going to be _high steppin'_ at about 90MPH past
those
"hundreds" of cats.

Quite frankly I think I'd rather stick my head into a
meat grinder.
It'd be safer and a LOT less painful. (ONE scared
angry cat put
scars on my hand THROUGH a lead glove and while the
cat was
wearing a muzzle and leg restraints and four people
were holding
him. He was being treated for congestive heart failure
at the time.
^_^)

 Akane walked over to her 
fianc�, who in a cat-like fashion was washing his
hand, or 
paw.

"Here kitty, kitty!" she said, after sitting down,
gesturing 
for Ranma to sit in her lap. A moment later, he was
curled up 
asleep on her lap.

@@Cute. ^_*

***

"Stupid Pop!" Ranma growled. He was sitting at the
kitchen 
table, having his scratched arm looked at by Akane.
"Ow! Be 
careful with that stuff. It stings."

"You baby." Akane said to Ranma. "It's peroxide. You
need it 
so you don't get infected by any diseases!"

@@Leave off "by any diseases"


Ranma ignored her, and continued to grumble, "Stupid 
Pop...Why's he got to be so dumb?"

"An entirely new opinion, hmm?" Nabiki, who was
sitting on 
the table's other side, asked, her voice directed at
Genma. 
"Seems like the same old one to me."

@@Errr . . .where did "An entirely new opinion" come
from?
Is there a line of dialogue missing?

Sitting alone, his eyes closed, Genma acted as though
he 
didn't even hear Nabiki's question.

Kasumi, sitting to Nabiki's left, smiled at Genma.
"Don't 
forget, Mister Saotome, to buy more bologna. We're all
out 
after this morning."

@@Time to "Nit Pick"
Bologna seems a strange item to find in a Japanese
kitchen. For all
I know bologna might be a national obsession over
there, but it
just seems odd. 

Although he acted not hearing Kasumi's comment, a
troubled 
expression crossed Genma's face at the mention of him
needing 
to part with money.

@@Probably a LOT of money, considering the price of
everything, especially meat. 

<SNIP>
***

<SNIP>

***

Genma looked at the salesman with distrust. "So you're
saying 
you don't have any items like I'm describing?" Genma
leaned 
forward. "Are you sure? You don't have any magical
spells 
which will cure someone of their fear of cats, without
the 
caster having to do too much work?"

"No." Not liking the distrust the customer was showing
him, 
the salesman leaned forward towards Genma. "I only
have 
objects of immense and terrible power that the
hardworking 
can use for their own means."


@@Having read the entire story (chp 1-3) a couple of
times by
this point one thing that I've noted is that the
language,
stylistically, is In MY opinion ONLY, a little overly
formal and
precise. 
(and there don't seem to be any paragraph indentations
in my
copy)
IMO you might try playing with word choice/order.


EXAMPLE::

     Genma glared suspiciously at the salesman. "You
don't
have _any_ of the items I want?" Genma loomed forward.
"Are
you sure?"

     "No!" The manager of the Cursed Antique Shop
didn't
like Genma's tone. "I only have objects of immense and
terrible
power, items that require iron will and determination
to use."

     "But----"

     "For the last time, there IS no "Magic for
Dummies"!"
The salesman drew back, annoyed. "However, I _do_ have
a
single self-working spell, but I don't think----"


@@A couple of changes in the original.
1) Removed or changed "Leaned"
One think I find helpful, after writing the first
draft is to re-read
and look for the same word used several times close
together and
make changes.  Sometimes just replacing with a
synonym, other
times changing the construction of the paragraph.
2)Broke the large blocks of Genma vs. salesman into
smaller
alternating blocks of dialogue. Just this change can
make a BIG
difference in how the story reads. In this case, by
breaking two
blocks of the "Salesman" with Genma's "But----" helps
convey
the sense of a rapid exchange between the two and
shows the
salesman is getting tired of Genma and rudely cuts him
off. 
4)Added a few descriptive items into the mix. "Cursed
Antique
Shop" to describe the location that also will be
familiar to
watchers of the OAV.  "Magic for Dummies" add
(hopefully) a bit
of humor, but also helps describe Genma's search for a
quick fix
and the salesman attitude toward him.


@@This is NOT the only way to do this. NOR do I
suggest that
your present format is incorrect. Every reader will
have their own
individual opinion. My suggestions indicate what I
would do if I
were writing this story OR the sorts of things I'd
like to see while
reading it. However you MUST write only to please
yourself.
If any of my suggestions make sense, only then make
changes. If
you prefer the original, leave it alone. NEVER make
changes just
to satisfy your readers. (Because a hundred readers
will suggest a
hundred different changes and you'll NEVER satisfy
them all.
^_*)
 





The salesman leaned back, and blew out a breath of
annoyed 
air. "I do have an object where no spell is cast at
all, but 
I don't think it's quite what you're looking for..."

"Is this it?" Genma was standing over the glass
counter 
looking at a one of kind object, which was labelled
one of 
kind.


@@Be a little more descriptive. You've got too many
"object"
too close together.

"Yes, but I don't..."

Digging into his pockets, Genma brought out a five
hundred 
yen. "Will this be enough?"

"Sir, you..."

Genma added another two hundred and fifty to his
original 
sum.

"I..."

"Fine." Adding another two hundred and fifty yen,
Genma 
pointed to the object. "Now give it to me."

@@Ummmm . . .exchange rate is about 100yen/dollar so
this is
about $10.00.
There are a lot of jokes about how cheap Genma and the
rest are,
so this is workable. You might want to elaborate a bit
to set it up if
you're going for humor. OTOH, if you want serious,
multiply by
a thousand at least. (you might also want to do a
little something
to explain where Genma came up with all that cash.)
Perhaps
Kasumi looking around an empty hole and wondering what
happened to her kitchen?

"No." The salesman sighed. "It is not for sale."

"Daddy, who is this funny man?" a girl asked, bringing
out a 
plateful of delicious food to the salesman. She was
referring 
to Genma.

@@You don't need "She was referring to Genma." That's
understood.

"My, what a wonderful daughter you have." Genma said,
an idea 
beginning to emerge. "You know, I have a son about her

age..."

@@^_^ Cute. 

It appears you were going for humor with the prices.
In that case
you might try something to show the reader how wildly
Genma is
outclassed.

EXAMPLE::

     "Where is it?"

     "No, W'hr is there," the salesman pointed to a
shelf, "and
you can't have YT."

     "It's there?" Genme peered at the shelf, "And why
can't I
have it."

     "NO! YT is not Thy'r, YT is , . . ."etc, etc.

{A quick attempt to try a "Who's on first" a la Abbot
& Costello.
Working on the premise that YT = Yirth Tiara or
something of
that sort, with other homophones for other magical
items, leading
to Genma's confusion. This sort of thing takes longer
than the
three minutes I gave it, but can be worth it.} Again,
an example of
the sorts of things you can do with the material
you've provided.
This however is not integral to the essential point of
setting up
how badly Genma has miscalculated prices. To than end,
something like::

     "Money is no object," Genma boasted, tossing a
thousand
yen on the counter as if it were nothing. 

     Silently the salesman pointed to an item resting
in the
corner of a bottom shelf of a glassed-in case. Going
to his knees
Genma peered at the small open box, reading the neatly
lettered
label:

     *Always Sweet Breath, reusable toothpick*

               50,000 Yen




@@And then you go to Genma selling Ranma for the
magical
item. ^_*

     
     
     


***
<SNIP>

***

Part Two
A Brief Paws Before the Storm

@@LOL

Really, really funny titles. 

It was late in the summer day, and a father and son
were 
alone, sitting in a dining room at a table, speaking.


@@Avoid  "It was . . ." IMO that dilutes the action of
the scene.
Makes it too remote. 




Eventually, the son, who was named Ranma, looked at a
tiara 
on the tabletop, and then at his father, who was named
Genma. 
He slowly said, "I'm not wearing that."

@@Hmmm . . .My preference is to not try and make
things
mysterious. Be direct.

EXAMPLE:

     Ranma looked at Genma. He looked at the tiara. He
looked back at his pop. 

     "I ain't wearin' that."

     Genma pulled the table off his head, groaning.


@@My reasoning is this.
1)You know and the reader knows WHO these people are. 
2)There is only _one_ tiara (that we know of) so it's
"the" tiara,
that Genma just bought, not "a" tiara, which could be
one of
several lying around the house. 

Be direct and descriptive.

<SNIP>

***

Author's Notes:
Damn that Tatewaki Kuno! He wandered into my story,
and 
didn't want to leave. Oh well. The kendoist is now a
major 
character in this short piece.

@@That's actually a good thing when the characters
take on a
life of their own.

<SNIP>

***

Part Three
The Beginning of the Tail of the Cat-astrophic Tiara

@@Hmmm . . .I liked the short puns better.

How about
A Tail of two Kitties.

^_^

remember, they don't have to make sense, they just
have to get
peoples attention, or in this case make them want to
chase you
down with tar and feathers. 



After reading the letter, Ranma looked at Akane, who
was 
sitting beside him underneath a tree, which bordered
the 
schoolyard. "Kuno's challenging me again, but he wants
to 
fight my girl-form."

@@Again, I'd be more direct . . .

EXAMPLE::
     "Kuno's challenging me again," Ranma looked up
from
the letter," but he wants to fight my girl form."

     "Really?" Akane leaned around the tree they were
both
sitting under, "that's different."


@@Changes::
1) "After reading . . ." is perfectly proper.   My
main objection is
to the long description of the tree, which adds
nothing to the story.
2)Break action/dialogue more evenly between
Akane/Ranma.
Before it was clumped entirely around Ranma.

You want ONLY those things that drive the story and
you want
everything to flow smoothly.

A couple of links that I find helpful (and they
certainly explain
things better than I do)

http://www.i5ive.com/article.cfm/writing_marketing_fiction/63686


http://www.steampunk.com/sfch/writing/ckilian/


"<SNIP>
***

"<SNIP>>

***

<SNIP>

***

"Miss Nabiki Tendo, might you know the whereabouts of
Mister 
Tatewaki Kuno?"

Nabiki looked up at her teacher. "Have you looked
outside?" 
She laid her chin on top of her knuckles. "He was
playing 
with some kittens and a panda last time I saw him."

The teacher walked over to the classroom window. A
moment 
later, he returned to the front of the class. He
cleared his 
throat, and then began to speak, "Anyway, yesterday we
were 
discussing..."

@@Cute

***

"The legendary, 'Aerial Cat Attack'," Genma wrote, "is
based 
on secretly holding a cat, and then throwing it
forward so it 
lands on your opponent with its claws facing your
opponent's 
face."

Unfortunately, Genma's student wasn't listening.
Instead, his 
student was running around trying to dislodge a cat
hanging 
on his face.

@@LOL

<SNIP>

A sign crashed down on Kuno's head. "Moron! That's
when you 
put the tiara on her head."
@@Cute.
***

<SNIP>

***
<SNIP>

***

<SNIP>
***
<SNIP>

This last bit, with the tiara on Ranma's head and the
cats bowing is
very nice.
Chapter 3 is the best so far. IMO you should trim chap
1 &2, to the
extent that 1 &2 become chapter 1 and chapter 3 is
chapter 2.
If you really wanted to do a "slash & burn" you could
combine all
three into chapter 1. IMO you want to get to this LAST
bit as quickly
as possible. This is the real meat of the story. If
you spend too long on
setting up, you'll lose the reader. They've seen Genma
& Kuno be
idiot's before, it's the tiara that's new and
interesting.

Nice story overall. An interesting premise and some
really cute scenes.
However-----In my opinion you might consider a rather
large edit. Go
back and cut everything that's not absolutely
essential for the heart of
the story, the tiara and it's effects. Anything that
doesn't drive the
story, cut it out. Look for redundant passages and
overused words.
Look for descriptive passages that don't ( overuse of
"object" for
example") Once you've done that, re-read and compare
with the
original and see which you like best. IMO the story is
too slow. Get
more quickly to the Tiara and it's effects. The setup
is essential, but
should go more quickly.

Hope this helps.



***


=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
 And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus

"A man is a small thing, and the night is large 
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany

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