Hello all. Thanks to all who gave me c&c on the original version of "Love's
Truth". It helped a lot.
Now before you hit "delete" because you read the last version, I ask you to
give this one a chance. It's very different, and I hope, very improved. As
always, c&c and pre-reader volunteers are welcome!

 A: Never saw the original.

 B: Sorry for the delay in getting this C&C out. :p

Revision Note: this happens in the anime continuity, around the end of the
third season.

 I think I've seen that far. Maybe. Kinda.

 Or not. :p

Elsewhere, a familiar couple made their way home from school.

 Might be a good idea to provide a hint as to which familiar couple they are. :p

 I'm guessing Ranma and Akane.

"Rannnmmmaaa..."

"YOU JERK!!!"

*PUNT*

 Hmm... that seems nearly... restrained... for Anime-Akane.

 One question though. The separate paragraphs for comments that both seem to be Akane's?

 Why not just, -- "Raannnmmmaaaa..." came a low growl."YOU JERK!" -- or some such?

"You want me to do what?"

"Ask violent girl out on date. Today."

 Should 'Violent Girl' be capitialized, since it's being used in place of a proper name?

"B-b-b-ut I don't know, d-d-dating? That's a big step, I mean, are
we ready? You know..." Ryoga trailed off lamely as he twisted his
hands in angst.

 A wee bit more insight into Ryouga's thoughts at this point might help more than just telling us that he's angsting. :p

"Shampoo help you with special technique."

"What technique?"

 Shampoo: Involves Amazon Book of Contrived Potions...

 Ryouga: Uh-oh.

Shampoo whips out a dusty scroll and wagglesit under Ryoga's
nose. He sneezes.

 Whips -- whipped

 wagglesit -- waggled it

 sneezes -- sneezed

 That narrative was a little dry... Much of what you've written so far feels like it's an adaptation from script format. We could use a little more description of the environts. Empty street on the way home, deserted resturaunt where 'the scroll' is being revealed, etc.

"Get scroll from Great-Grandmother. It talk about shiatsu Casanova
Point. After press, Ryoga can ask any girl out."

 Hehe...

He immediatly began to choke and thrash about on the floor.

"Aiyah! That wrong spot!"

 immediatly -- immediately

 Okay, that works well. :P Funny.

Ryoga leapt to his feet and ran out the door, laughing in what was supposed
to be a maniacal fashion, but somehow, still managed to be sexy.

A moment later, he walked out of the bathroom with a sheepish, but cute
look on his face.

"Could you point me to the way out?"

"Shampoo do better than that. She go visit Ranma now. You follow, yes?"

 Interesting. That part's well done, I think. I like it. Ryouga's largely unaware of his... prowess...

Kasumi went to the stove and got the kettle that she always
heated up at this time of day, and poured some of it over
Ranma.

 heated up -- heated -- warmed (?) Not sure about that one.

"That was very kind of you, Ranma. But you did it in front of
Akane, right."

 Last bit of dialogue should end with a question mark, shouldn't it?

"I know, but it's so hard. I've never had to think before I did anything
before. It's really tough to have to start now."

 Unusually open, for Ranma.

"Don't say that Ranma, you're very smart. And  if you wanted
to, you could do lots of things besides martial arts."

 I'm sensing a potential Ranma/Kasumi matchup...

"Well, sorta, I guess. She sure doesn't trust me, tho!"

 tho -- though (?)

A thoughtful silence decends upon the Tendo kitchen for a time.
Finally, Ranma speaks up.

 descends -- descended

"I'm sorry, Ranma, I didn't know. I didn't realize that someone
with four fianc�s could be lonely."

 Ranma: I'm engaged to three GIRLS, not four BOYS.

 Fiancee should have an extra 'e' for a girl, only one 'e' for boy.

 Ie.: Ranma is Akane's fiance, and Akane is Ranma's fiancee...

 Sorry about the lack of accent marks, but I disable those in my e-mailer and text editor to make it more readable for non-windows readers.

"You're welcome, Ranma. Well, I've got to get dinner started. Why
don't you see if Akane is home yet?"

 I'm thinking everyone would know when she got home. :p

Unfortunately, her glomp hit him off-balance, and carried them both into the
door, pushing it open and spilling them onto Akane's floor.

 It's kind of amazing when we actually step back and realize how many Japanese -- or even non-real -- words have entered our common parlance. 'Glomp', for example. Hehe...

"S-sure, Ryoga. That sounds fun."

At the least, she could have a good time with someone who could admit to
liking her.

 She _has_ gone on a 'date' with Ryouga, IIRC. The waterproof soap episode, ne?

Besides, maybe Ranma will get jealous! This is a win-win situation, she
thought.

 will -- would

 is -- was

With a mighty yell, she kicked Ranma out the door, causing him to
ricochet down the hall with Shampoo hanging on for dear life.

 A ricochet? Getting Love Hina flashbacks. :p

She hauled off and slammed him through the railing next to the stairwell,
raining splinters everywhere and sending Ranma sprawling on the floor below.

"And leave me alone, you jerk! I never want to see you again!"

 Ouch.

Something deep inside cat-Ranma understood her words, and he felt a pain
like
none before.

 Hmm... needs more angst. :p

 The engagement/Akane is a fairly central thing to Ranma's life... why not explore just how much that's hurting him?

Ranma stood up, brushed himself off, and said, "Fine, Akane. I see how it
is."

 He could say that hollowly, or give more outward sign that simple leaving... maybe even shimmering eyes. Not, of course, that he'd cry... ;)

Then he walked out the door and leapt upwards, disappearing into the night.

"How did he?.." Akane stammered as she stared at the empty doorway.

 Yeah, actually. How did he?

He went to Akane and asked her what was wrong. Her only response was
to sniffle and say "He's gone.". He quickly picked her up, carried her into
her
room, and gently laid her on the bed. He grabbed a blanket and threw it over
Ryoga's form, then turned and looked at Shampoo, preparing to unleash the
dreaded Demon Head attack.

 Something about Soun's dialogue being summarized here makes this scene feel stilted.

 Could be easily remedied:

--    Soun frowned, not pleased with his daughter's apparent unhappiness. "Akane? What's wrong?"

 "..." -- etc.

Normally, this was something he enjoyed doing. He often came up here to look
at the stars, to daydream, or just to get a little peace.

 here -- there

What he was doing was crying. He'd just had his heart broken, after all.
He was alone, and glad of it, because, in his current mood, he would
probably
have killed any witnesses to this show of emotion.

 Again, we could explore this further. Though... I can't remember. Didn't he get engaged to Nabiki in the Anime, too? If so, it wouldn't have been the first time that she's dropped the engagement...

Nabiki was relaxing in her room, reading a manga. It was a romantic comedy,
one of her favorites. Out of habit, she glanced at her stereo/surveillance
system. Currently, two of the meters were jiggling, showing that there was
noise in the dining room, and on the roof.

 Which manga? Love Hina, or Maison Ikoku? :p

<The roof?..>

 'thought quotes' aren't really neccesary, since this whole scene is from her PoV...

If Akane had done something that would chase Ranma away, it could
cost Nabiki a lot of money.

At least that's what she told herself.

 that's -- that was

"Akane, what happened? Ranma is really upset. He's crying on the roof."

 Ouch. Even Nabiki would have more reguard than to simply _give_ away something like that... wouldn't she?

 Well... maybe not.

"Shampoo, please. I just wanna be alone. I'll take you to a movie or
somethin' later, but not right now."

"Shampoo hold you to promise. Wo ai ni."

 Hmm...

After half an hour of this, she got up and walked downstairs. She found
her sister dusting something that, to Nabiki at least, appeared to be
perfectly
clean.

 this -- that -- it (any)

"Ranma. He's up on the roof, and he's been bawling his eyes out for a
half-hour now. Akane won't go talk to him, and I'm- well I'm a little
worried about him, but I'm no good at sympathizing and stuff. So.. could
you?", she trailed off, gesturing upward.

"Of course. Just help me get the ladder out."

 Where did Ryouga go, anyway?

"Yeah, well. She didn't give me a chance to explain, like always,
but instead threw water on us. Then she kicked me out of her room
and down the hall. I couldn't get Shampoo off in time. I guess she
was scared or somethin', and she set her claws and held on."

"And you went into the cat-fist."

 Should that be a question?

"Tell me somethin' I don't know. I gotta find a way to satisfy honor."

 Woah there...

 It's more than _just_ honor, because he has debts of honor to Shampoo and Ukyou, as well. If my (faulty) memory serves, Kodachi got legitimized as a fiancee, so her _too_.

"I dunno. Probably just leave. Renounce my name, so I don't have to
worry about fiances, or debts, or my mom. I don't wanna marry anyone
who's chasing me now, anyway. Shampoo would have me be her "househusband"
when we got back to the amazon village, Ucchan, hell- I still think of
her as a guy! I'd just as soon marry Ryoga. Kodachi's nuts. Akane- well,
she hates me."

 fiances - fiancees

 Mom? That's manga, not anime. :p IIRC, the anime ends with Nodoka's arrival.

"Well, it's like this; I'll give honor one last chance. The agreement said a
Tendo daughter. It don't have to be Akane."

"Oh, my. You mean, me?"

 Ranma: Nah, was thinking Nabiki.

 Kasumi: No, you mean me.

 Ranma: Uh... okay.

"So.. financees?", Ranma said, holding out his hand to Kasumi.

 financees -- extra 'n', but I'll be exiled to watch Soul Taker on infinite loop if I know what the correct, gender-neutral pluralization of that word is.

Ranma leaned back carefully and relaxed. After talking things through, he
felt much better, and was able to look at the stars and again appriciate
their beauty. He felt Kasumi lay back beside him, stil holding his hand.

 stil -- still

"Yes."

 He should too, since he's spent most of his life traveling. :p

 With anime-Genma, likely a lot at night, too.

She pointed up and showed him fanciful animals and mythic men. They
stayed there and watched the stars until late at night. Kasumi worried
only briefly about her interrupted dusting.

 Interesting.

Inside, Nabiki had a worried look on her face.

"Akane's not gonna like this..."

 Akane: Ironic, isn't it? Since that was exactly what I was asking for...

End Chapter 1

 Interesting stuff. Wouldn't mind seeing more of it, and curious as to where it goes.

 The way it's presented, Ranma seems to dismiss anyone aside from Kasumi or Akane summarily, but it could end up with either him and Kasumi, or him reconciling with Akane.

 Too bad for the other fiancees. :p

Love's Truth
By Ben Jernigan

exarkun@olypen.com
http://www.angelfire.com/anime3/exarkun