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-- File: whoseline.txt
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Whose Line is it Anime
The Dinner Party
this bit hosted by Aaron Bergman
DREW CAREY: Oh my God I don't think I've EVER heard anyone hit the
high note like that! Men across the country will be wincing in
sympathy for weeks... (he looks off the screen, shrugs, and says
quickly) time for a commercial, be right back!
(An eyecatch displays Colin Mochrie malleting Ranma while Akane tries
(unsuccessfully) to hold back laughter. A big "WHOSE LINE IS IT
ANIME" is writ in bold letters underneath the scene.)
(Commercial opens to Barren Wasteland # 384 [You know that one, it's
always 'just north' of any city in Dragon Ball Z]. Two people are
training on it, one obviously a full-grown Saiyin and the other
still a child, complete with monkey-tail. The child is looking up
at the adult from the ground.)
CHILD (admiration with just a touch of petulance): I wanna be big
and strong like you, Dad!
DAD (laughing merrily, like Santa Claus, except that his eight-pack
doesn't ripple like a bowl full of jelly): Well, Son, if you wanna
grow up big and strong, you gotta eat your Vegeta-bles!
CHILD (Jumps up from the ground): Yeah! I'll eat Vegeta-bles! I'll
do anything to get big!
DAD (Eyes his son with a touch of suspicion): Does that mean that
you'll lay off the Hurcul-Puffs? They're your favorite cereal...
CHILD (Blushing): Aww, Dad!
(the dad laughs again as they both jet into the air just like
Powdered Toast Man. A voice-over comes up as they jet around the
sky in approved Akira Toriyama fashion.)
VO: Vegeta-bles! Taste good AND they're healthy! Just the thing if
you want to raise your son up to become the as strong as the
last Prince of the Saiyan race!
(Eyecatch displays Wayne Brady and Ryan Siles dueling with foam
swords and roses pinned on their shirts as Utena watches,
scratching her head. Underneath is writ "WHOSE LINE IS IT
ANIME" in huge black letters.)
DREW: And we're back! Boy howdy, do we got a treat for you...
the dinner party! You all know the rules, but I'll go over them
again anyway, 'cause we got airtime to kill. One person is the
host, and the others are various anime characters with problems.
Not only does the host have to guess the chara that each person
is, but figure out their problem. Ready?
COLIN: You bet!
DREW: Begin!
(Colin begins readying the 'dinner party', enjoying himself a little
too much while sculpting an invisible ice sculpture with a
chainsaw.)
COLIN: I've always wondered how Akane would look with... a 'fro!
Mweh. Heh. Heh.
(The doorbell dings, and Greg Proops steps up as though he hadn't
expected it so soon. Caption under the screen says "Ikari Shinji
& his Mp3 player refuses to play songs 25 & 26.")
COLIN: A guest? Already? But the chocolate salty balls aren't even out
of the oven yet! (The bell dings again, this time more insistently)
Fine, fine!
(Colin goes to answer the 'door', and Greg steps past him without even
looking, banging an invisible object against his palm.)
COLIN: Uh, good... evening?
GREG: Huh? Oh, hi. Figures this damn thing would go out on me now.
I can't believe it, I might actually have to find out (he gasps
in shock) what other songs are in this thing! (starts panicking)
I've never listened to anything but...
(The doorbell dings again, and Ryan Siles steps up unhurriedly,
brushing his hair back with an invisible comb. The caption
reads "Moroboshi Ataru who's managed to stop Lum from harassing
him for the evening by absorbing her mind into his." Colin, who's
still looking at Greg with utter confusion in his eyes, steps up to
the 'doorway' and 'opens' it. Ryan slouches in.)
GREG: Papa Roach? How utterly tasteless. Thrashing Gnoberts? A little
better, but...
RYAN: Nice place my friend. But tell me, where are the hot baDARLING NO
BAKA! Just because I'm...
COLIN (casually interrupting): Hi Moroboshi, I see that Lum's in your
head somehow, the desserts are over there, and the girls should be
here in half an hour.
RYAN: Kewl beans! (He convulses momentarily) Okay, Lum, I'll never
mention b-b-beans again!
(The ding sounds, and 3 goes back to his seat.)
GREG: Oh, no, it's... Austrian polkas! I hate those! (He presses an
imaginary button, and flinches in horror.) Just when I didn't
think it could get any more annoying... J-Pop! NOOOO!!! My
sanity's fractured enough, don't subject it to Okui Masami...
COLIN: What's wrong, Urd, did Mara finally get the best of you?
(The WRONG, DUMBASS!!! buzzer sounds, and Colin slouches in shame.
Then, the doorbell announces another visitor, and he answers the
'door' again. A caption says, quickly, "Kuno Tatewaki who has
suddenly become infatuated with a teenage Kurata Sana." Wayne steps
through the doorway regally, looks around calmly, and clutches
his head in agony.)
WAYNE: Ah, whichever shall I choose! My love has become a triumvirate!
COLIN: Kuno, how nice to see you. Fall in love with Nabiki again? Or
is it Ukyou? (He looks around fearfully for irate okonomiyaki
chefs leaping from the rafters seeking vengeance, but all he
gets is Drew facepalming.)
DREW: So close, and yet so far...
GREG: Beethoven? Lame. Aah... (He calms slightly.) The soothing
strains of "Stayin' Alive" always... WHAT?! (He shakes the
invisible Mp3 player.) A ten second sample track?!?! YOU
BASTARDS!!!!
WAYNE: On the one corner, the bright and vivacious pigtailed girl.
On another, the beauteous Akane, who reminds me of a tiger,
tiger, burning bright! And on the third... (he sighs with
longing, making several audience members gag) the mysterious
vision from my television this morning, whose image makes
me think of the carbonation from a Jolt cola bubbling through
my veins in an intravenous drip.
COLIN: I'm sure I could set up an introduction to Sana, but how
would you handle her boyfriend? Last I heard, he had Kung Fu
Grip and the Dim Mak death touch from his part-time job at
Ninja Burger.
(Wayne shrugs and grins as the ding sounds, and Colin turns his
attention to Greg, who is panting slightly and rolling his eyes
in a way that doesn't look entirely sane.)
GREG: Okay... down to... song 24. The last track. It has to be
SOMETHING good, or else I'll go completely nuts... gotta
listen to some music soon... (He hits play, and tears streak
down his face.) Oh the agony the pain flowing through me
makes rejection by my father and everyone seem as nothing
for the song playing in my ear is WE WILL WIN by Lynn Minmei!
(He breaks down and starts sobbing in earnest.) And I must
sing along, or else... NOOOO!!! We will Win! We willl
wiiiin! We MUST win!
COLIN: Alright, Shinji, calm down, I can put on the soundtrack to
"Disco Fever" if you need a fix...
GREG (ripping earphones from his ear and stomping an invisible
Mp3 player into intangible little bits.): Sounds groovy, baby!
(The whole cast (including Drew Carey, two stagehands, and a
small, angular black cartoon cat) go onto the main stage and
start dancin' as a disco ball lowers itself from the ceiling.)
SONG: You can tell by the way I walk...
DREW: Well, this has been one INCREDIBLE episode!
SONG: ...no time for talk.
DREW: So join us next week, and be sure to stay tuned for
MTCFF Ultra, right after this commercial break!
(Disco fever breaks out over the audience, and we see Soun Tendo
and Nodaka Saotome leap onto the stage and engage in some
groovy moves as we fade to black...)
AUTHOR'S NOTES
I have nothing against Okui Masami, Beethoven, the Thrashing
Gnoberts, or Austrian polkas. I have very big somethings against
Papa Roach and the 'singing' in the Robotech TV series, but we've
all covered that ground before.... Anyway, don't bother flaming me
for dissing J-Pop, I'm (oddly) proud of the fact that I can
sing Little Date flawlessly despite my incomplete grasp of
Japanese...
BTW, Ninja Burger is a real place. Kind of. Visit www.ninjaburger.com,
but don't forget, it is a grave dishonor to generations of fast-
food ninja to NOT order the wasabi sauce! It could mean death to you
and your family!
Yes, the angular cartoon cat is from Trigun. Call me pathetic, but
I wanna buy the Vash the Stampede toy just for the cat. As an overly
large-eyed girl might scream, "KAWAII!!!"
Aaron Bergman
iamfanboy@hotmail.com
"All I wanted was a good night's sleep,
but NO, I JUST had to write this thing..."
-Myself in about six hours, when I get to work
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