Tangent wrote:

Complimenting Opposites
A Ranma � fanfict by Tangent
Pre-reading and editing assistance by:
Lord Talon;
Nevrmore;
And some guy named Steve

 Hi, Steve!

     DISCLAIMER: 'Ranma �' and all characters therein belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Shogagukan, Kitty and Viz Video. This fanfict has been produced for my own enjoyment and to pass on without profit. Other characters that come into play in this fanfict may or may not be pulled from other sources (including other fanficts, RPGs, manga, anime, literature, or possibly even *GASP* American comic books!).

 Be sure to at least offer a disclaimer in the footer for everything you use. While I'm not an expert on the legality of the situation, it's awlays nice to give credit where credit is due.

     Revised: 08/07/2001

     A WORD FROM TANGENT: While Lord Talon has informed me that what I'm about to attempt has been done before, this in no way has dissuaded me from making my own version. For one thing, for better or for worse, in all of my other Ranma fanficts to date, Ranma either has or will end up with Akane. Well, to this I say "Wrong Tendo"
     What difference does the weather make? What difference indeed...?

 Well, bravo to the concept of change. While there's nothing at all wrong with Ranma/Akane, the element of another possibility always helps for a more exciting read.

     CHAPTER ONE: One Sunny Day

     Soun Tendo, a man in his early forties, with a strong, kind face, long black hair and a mustache, read through the morning mail. Among the various letters, packages, and postcards was a postcard that had a message for which he had been waiting for a long time. The postcard showed a scene with a panda, and turning it over, he noticed that it was post marked China. Tears started to come from his eyes as he read the message:

 post marked -- postmarked

 As an aside, this is old territory, so you may want to be as brief about it as you can.

     Bringing Ranma home.

     On Soun's face were tears of happiness as he said, out loud and low to himself, "They are finally coming here...How I have waited for this day!" Tears of passion streamed down his face as he strained to keep his composure for a few moments longer.

 'On Soun's face' seems to fall kind of flat. I'm not sure about the technical term... maybe that 'active' 'passive' thing. :p

 At any rate -- you might be better served by re-wording it something like, "Tears of happiness.." etc.

     He decided to tell his daughters immediately.
     Soun called out, "Kasumi!  Nabiki!  Akane!"
     Not getting an immediate response, he went to look for them, first checking the kitchen that was his eldest daughter's domain. She was indeed there, as she seemed to nearly always be. A brief pang of sorrow revisited his heart as he thought about this last and strongest connection that she had with her mother. He collected himself. Today's news was to be joyous, not tragic, as his wife's death had been so many years ago.
     "Kasumi!" he exclaimed, happily, managing to expunge his grief, "We are expecting company. Please get ready to prepare some tea for our guests."

 ...grief, "We... -- ...grief. "We...

     "Oh? Who is it that is coming, Father?" Kasumi asked curiously.
     "An old friend of mine and his son," explained Soun. "I will explain everything when you, Nabiki, and Akane are all at the table." With that, he left to find his other two daughters.

 Repetition of 'explain'. Repetition is fine in dialogue -- you'd be surprised if you spend a few days just _listening_ to people -- but it's already there in the prose. Perhaps in the prose, explained -- offered ?

 Bleah. I've been spoiled by all the double-spacing on most fics. My aging eyes are struggling with this one. :p

     After a brief search of the rest of the first floor, Soun then went to check the bedrooms on the second floor of their family home, expecting to at least find his middle daughter there. As he had expected, he found Nabiki in her room, reading one of her manga books. Not that he minded. She studied and had good grades, so what she did in her spare time was her own concern.

 manga books -- manga (Otherwise is a tad redundant :P)

     "Nabiki" he called out to get her attention.
     "Yes, Daddy?" Nabiki asked neutrally. Her father rarely interrupted her privacy, and when he did, it wasn't always with something that she considered worthwhile.

 PoV shift?

     [So... he's going to introduce us to the son of an old friend of his, is he?] Nabiki pondered. Truth to tell, she had been expecting something like this for some time now. Japanese inheritance laws were steep, and it was unlikely that the family would retain the Tendo estate should Soun pass away unless a lot of money was involved... or the one other option that came to her mind happened. A small smile began to form on her lips.

 Hmm... most of the thoughts are implied in the prose, rather than offset. You can't do that here, as well?

     "Akane's correct, Father" Kasume interjected. "We have never even met him."

 Father" Kasume -- Father," Kasumi

     "You will, my boy, you will." It was getting harder not to blurt the real reason out to the boy, just to shut him up. Fortunately, he had the wonderful sunny weather to console his flagging spirits. Truly a beautiful day - the surprise about the engagement and his son's gratitude would be the absolute perfect cap to it...

 While the divergence is interesting, the exposition above is... well... it's all really news.

     "What's so great about training in China" commented Akane sulkily. Her recent experience with the now daily fights with the boys at Furinkan High School had left her more than a little fed up with boys for the time being. While she knew that she wasn't being fair to the boy she hadn't even met yet, she did not really care at the moment. "It doesn't mean that he's any good."

 China" commented -- China?" commented

     "You have no idea" repeated Nabiki, glaring at her father. That sounded rather less than promising. She had assumed that her Father had met the boy at least once before, and had approved of him. Instead, it was beginning to sound like one of those 'good deals' that he fell for every so often. One of the reasons that she became the 'Ice Queen' in the first place was to protect her family from those predators by being an even more dangerous predator herself. The other... well, she wasn't going to think on that just now. That problem was hopefully going to solve itself soon, and it wouldn't do to freeze it before she even gave the solution a chance...

 no idea" repeated -- no idea," repeated

     "I've never met him" he confessed.

 him" he -- him," he

     Just then, they heard a commotion at the door. "Aw, Pop, why can't we go home first?" complained a voice, which obviously belonged to a young man. Could it be them, Soun thought as he got up to greet his guests. Nabiki followed.

 'Just then' kind of falls short.

     "Oooo! It must be Ranma!" Nabiki thought excitedly, not realizing that she had said the thought aloud. Kasumi was happy for her sister, and relieved (although she did not just yet realize why). Akane decided that since Nabiki was so excited about this turn of events, her sister could have him.

 This paragraph, right here, would actually be a great place to start this fic, since everything before is old territory. Perhaps a bit of exposition about the sunny day in Nerima, and two figures going down the street, or something, but briefly.

     "Saotome, my friend! We've been expecting you!" Soun quickly spotted the boy that his friend had been arguing with and concluded: "And you must be Ranma!" He gathered the boy into his arms for a manly embrace.

 Hehe...

     By this time, all three daughters had gathered to see their guests. Nabiki, noticing that her father seemed disinclined to let the boy go, leaned closer to examine the subject of her father's attention. Hmmm, Ranma was as fine a specimen as she could ask for, handsome in a vaguely bishonen way. After a quick comparison between the features of the boy and his father, she decided that he must get his looks from his mother's side of the family. Not that his father was actually ugly. He was okay for an older man, and might have looked more attractive in his younger days, but she doubted that he could have matched his son's appearance. Nabiki wondered briefly what her own children would look like if she married the boy.

 See, here the thoughts are neatly folded into the prose (which should mean that this scene is from Nabiki's PoV), and it flows well. Why not do the same with the sections where the thoughts are in brackets?

     "Well, Ranma," Soun began. "These are my daughters. Kasumi, age nineteen, the oldest; Nabiki, age seventeen; and Akane, age sixteen, the youngest. Pick anyone you like and she will be your fianc�e." Soun's beaming smile faltered as he noticed that the boy seemed shocked. After a moment, Ranma massaged his temple with the fingers of his right hand, as if staving off a headache.

 'seemed shocked' falls a little flat. Maybe a little exposition? Show us _how_ shocked he is, ie., pale, sweating, frozen stiff with fear, etc.

     "Heh, heh... I guess in the heat of the moment, I forgot to tell you..." Genma was nervous to say the least. After... the incident... Ranma had proved that he was quite formidable when he truly lost his temper. While not as scary as when he was dealing with his... cat problem... he was as easily as scary as his mother was at times. This looked like it was becoming another such time. And here he had thought that Ranma would like the surprise...

 PoV shift to Genma?

     "How was I supposed to know that she would give you the kiss of death if you won?" asked Genma, trying his version of reason for the umpteenth time.

 'his version of reason'.

 That bit, right there, is _priceless_. Print it out, frame it, and have it bronzed. It's beautiful. I _love_ it.

     Ranma calmed himself down and settled at the table once again as he tried to remember what little he knew of formalities and manners. He took a deep breath and timed himself carefully. "Please excuse my unseemly outburst just now, but there are some things that you have a right to know before we decide to uphold the marriage agreement between our clans." Ranma subtly braced himself for the next phrase, hoping that he had predicted his father's reaction correctly. "And this..." The Tendos facefaulted as a giant panda rose out of the koi pond, grabbed a wash basin, and threw some water at the young man seated before them. In an instant, a cute redheaded girl replaced him. "...Is one of them."

 That's a very polite and well-spoken Ranma.

     "Nani?" Soun and Akane stated in surprised stereo.

 Is the 'Nani' neccessary? I know, I occasionaly use Japan in my own fics, so I shouldn't say anything, but... :p

     "Oh my!" exclaimed Kasumi in wonder. A real magical girl and her mascot! No, wait. That was just silly. Whoever heard of an overweight panda as a magical girl's mascot? Hmmm... maybe her dreams were about a long lost love from a past life about to be renewed, just like in those shows. Did this mean that Kasumi was about to become part of a bishojo senshi team? That would certainly be a change of pace, even if she was just a little too old for that sort of thing according to the anime...

 Hehe! That is amusing, even if it _is_ a new PoV.

     "This I've got to hear," replied Nabiki dryly.

 Dryly -- hehehe... clever.

* * * FLASHBACK * * *

 Is the 'flashback' indicator necessary?

 I think it should be obvious enough in context.

* * * END FLASHBACK * * *

     "After that, I chased Pop around Jusenkyo a few times before I lost track of him," Ranma continued. "You wouldn't think that a fat panda could move so fast." The panda that had been Genma growlfed at this, but Ranma wasn't having any of its back talk. "Shut up you, before I decide to sell ya to a zoo or somethin'. I should have let the amazons make a rug out of you, but nooo! I had to save your sorry behind!" Ranma regained control of her temper and calmed down.

 This is all pretty old territory... Why not omit this and focus on the changes?

     "Look, Pop," the redhead continued tiredly. "I'm your son," (small twitch) "and I love you," (this time the twitch was from the panda) "but you can be so aggravating at times!" She sighed. "Look... go change back, and I'll try to calm down and explain things to the Tendos." As the Panda got up to head for the furo (he had been here before, even if it was over a decade ago), a thought occurred to Ranma. "Don't forget to change back before you use up all the shampoo again. It might not be expensive, but it adds up and we're guests now!"

 The notes in the begining of this section don't need to be in parentheses.

     Genma paused for a moment, irritated for being treated like a little kid by his own son as well as the fact that he had indeed forgotten about changing back first. He sighed in resignation, then nodded, not willing to provoke his son again at this time.

 this -- that -- the

* * * FLASHBACK * * *

 Same comments on flashback indicator...

     Ranma turned around and groaned as she saw her pandafied father rapidly eating food that had been placed on a table off to the side of the tournament. She finally noticed a prominent sign leaning against the table, and wondered briefly how she had failed to spot it moments ago. It was a fancy, important looking sign that she couldn't read, but it told her that her father (and possibly the guide and herself) was in a lot of trouble...

 This is another scene that's really just old territory...

     "Of course, Tendo-San. They're all attractive and they seem nice..." Ranma-chan stated, choosing to ignore the fact that Akane was glaring at her with renewed hostility after that statement.

 This is a bit different of Ranma. :p But this scene works a little better, since it's basically all new stuff.

     "Umm... ah... yes," Ranma-chan stammered before regaining her bearings. "I mean yes! I will agree to become engaged to you, Nabiki Tendo. I am happy and honored that you will have me!"

 Ranma seems quite eager.

Aheh-heh... I really don't know where Kasumi's obsession about magical girls came from while I was revising this chapter...

 I think it's funny. I also think you're setting out to surprise us, somehow...

^_^;;

     C&C Welcome
     Flames will be used to Raost Marshmallows
~~~

 Well, it wasn't a bad story, if it did cover a lot of stuff that's been seen _many_ times before...

 I'm interested in reading the (hopefully) more divergent events that are to follow. ;)

 Keep up the good work!

When given the constants a, b and c, and the variables x, y and z...
I often find it helpful to concentrate on point q

Tangent
tangent@zbzoom.net