Great story, Allyn. The ending brought tears to my eyes. :-)

Some of the switching between scenes were a bit sparse; it could use a bit more fleshing of detail, especially as the storm approaches. You pinpointed the part where Kiki almost drowns...it was very emotional and moving. If you could build up more on the scenes beforehand, it would make for a rockin' story.

Hope that makes sense! Now get writing on Sukeban!

LaShawn

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LaShawn M. Wanak (tbone_m_jenkins@yahoo.com)

"I got my body. I got my soul. Help me to keep the truth, help me to keep it straight.
Help me to keep it whole..."
                Poi Dog Pondering "I got my body"

T-bone Enterprises * In Touch With Yours Truly
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