And Brian Randall wrote:

DB Sommer wrote:

I stumbled on this forgotten story recently. It was done about two or

three

years ago back when I first finished S 1/2. Touched it up a bit (a lot
actually. Nice to know I've come some ways since then) but that was when

the

idea was formed, so it might be a bit rough.

   Ah, something else to C&C. :p

Never can have too much.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

   Ooooooooo....

Not the rating of the fic. Sorry. That'll be two or three fics from now when
I get to the 'Dual!' one.  ^_^

"Wasn't blowing up a mountain and beating Saffron enough to prove how

good

you are?" Akane huffed.

   Akane: Geez, It's so embarassing -- I rather would have died than
have you save me like that.

   Seriously, though -- is seems like she resents having her life saved.

Nah. As explained later, she's decided to try and curb him from his
'responding to every challenge made' habit. Since he and Ryouga fought
again, she's obviously making no headway.

reminded Ranma of Happosai. It was probably with the shifty look he had.
Worse, it seemed the old man's attention was focused on Ranma intently.

He

was about to ask what the stranger was looking at when Akane spoke

again.

   Cherry: Most ominous.

Yep. Twas meant to be.

   'Soul of Ice' stuff? That's Cologne's shtick, ne?

Was just a joke about the fic and technique in it. Not meant to belittle the
actual fic, just something to throw in there.

   Why is Ryouga trying to prove himself better than Ranma post Vol. 38?

Only basic male pride. It wasn't one of those 'Ranma, prepare to die!'
things.
And after Mount Phoenix, you know Ryouga's going to feel really overshadowed
after that. Needless to say, his confidence was not boosted by the results
this time around.

"You just don't get it." Akane held her tongue on how embarrassing it

was to

have a fianc� who would do anything to win as badly as Ranma did.

   Hmm... something about that feels stilted, but I can't quite pinpoint

it.

Will look it over.

Akane was more right than she knew. Ranma was about to ask what she

meant

when a loud noise from the direction of the school caught both of their
attentions. They glanced at one another, than ran quickly in the

direction

of the school.

   Akane was right about Ranma being embarassing?

Actually about him not 'getting it'. In hindsight, what happened was the
first
version went ' "You just don't get it," Akane said.' And then this came
right
after. With the new sentence in there, it becomes less obvious what I was
referring to. I'll have to change it. Probably drop the 'Akane...knew." and
maybe throw something on before 'Ranma was...'

In under a minute they passed through the gate and entered the school
grounds and saw what the source of the commotion was. A man in his early
twenties, unremarkable in appearance, save that he wore an

elaborate-looking

red gi that had a pair of golden lions embroidered on the front, held

the

splintered remains of a bokken in his hand. Kunou lay at his feet,

obviously

knocked senseless by the stranger.

   First sentence has one 'and' too many. :p

   Ken?

Nah. If he was an American, he'd have been an SI instead of a mere ANC. :)

The stranger's confusion doubled. "What does your father have to do with

thi

s?"

   Looks like a valiant sacrifice to word-wrap. :p

Yep. Hate it when that happens.

The Stranger shrugged helplessly. "Unless you're related to or are

friends

with Kachinko Sukimada, who stood me up for my senior prom, no, I don't

have

anything against you, any members of family, or anyone you know."

   Cameo? I don't get this one. :p Better watch more anime...

Nope. Just a name I pulled out of my head. Just a vague hint that Takeshi
isn't completely 2-D and has an existance beyond challenging Ranma.

Akane rolled her eyes at that. She knew what was to come, and after she

had

decided that morning to try to talk Ranma into not blindly fighting

people.

It was just her luck. Still, that last bit from the stranger was over

the

edge. She could understand Ranma's need to accept the challenge after

that

insult to his pride.

   First sentance scans awkwardly -- perhaps end it with a 'too'?

Hmm. Maybe. Will consider.

Ranma faced off against the stranger and smirked. "I'm going to have to

deal

with you quick. I got class in," he looked at the watch Akane had bought

for

him on his birthday. "Fifteen minutes."

   Shouldn't that be:

   birthday, "fifteen

Yep.

   ?

"Takeshi Kunakida. Unlimited Class Style of fighting. I've heard it said

you

practice the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts?"

   'Unlimited'? _Is_ this a joke on the fighting-game genre?

Nah. Just a made up the name. How much worse is it than 'Anything Goes'? :P

effort on the part of Takeshi. Reevaluating his opponent, Ranma attacked
again using faster and more powerful techniques, figuring he would slip
three or four blows through and hoped they would be enough to slow down

or

possibly defeat his opponent. However, once again not a single blow came
close to landing.

   Repetition of blows, and minimum.

Will revise.

Grimacing briefly at the show of bravado, Ranma planned to unleash a

five

hit combination that he was sure would knock Takeshi on his rear end.

But

even before Ranma could throw the first blow, he saw a blur come in

under

his guard. The next sensation he was aware of was a sledgehammer-like

fist

that smashed into his jaw and sent him flying through the air. He was

too

dazed to land on his feet, and instead crashed facefirst into the hard

turf.

   Five-hit-combo?

That sounds awkward. I'll change that too.

Knew I should have looked over it at least one more time.

Probably should have gotten a prereader too. :(

proved a set up for Takeshi's left as it snaked in again past Ranma's

guard

and struck him above the heart, sending Ranma backpedaling, his arms
flailing as he fought to stay on his feet. A bright pain flared in

Ranma's

chest as he swore his heart stopped for a moment before starting again.

   Man, I feel like I'm watching that whole Goku vs. Freiza battle

again...

Don't watch DBZ. Too mind numbingly repetitive, even for me.

centimeters he had predicted, the wind from its wake proved sharp enough

to

slice through his shirt and draw blood from underneath. A tiny trickle

of

blood began decorating his shirt, making it a deeper red than before.

   That's thoughtfull of the blood, to decorate the shirt for him. :p

I'm trying to invoke 'fancy imagery'. :)

about

that when I was first told about the Phoenix people. Hell, I could have
beaten Saffron with one hand tied behind my back if I had that to

protect

me. No wonder a wimp like you was able to take him."

   Humm.

Not sure what the Humm is in reference to.

As the last of the energy was drawn into the cross Takeshi's arms

formed,

his arms went from black to orange. "Back at you! Bursting Dam

Reflection!"

Takeshi let loose a torrent of energy that had been stored up from the

first

attack and reflected back at the source with the second. The energy

poured

out orange, showing to all who the man was that controlled it.

   How do we know that it's the same energy?

Good point. Will ditch the last sentence probably.

was leveled by the blast and fell to the ground, unable to move. Not

even a

scream escaped him. Only stubborn refusal prevented Ranma from falling

into

the darkness that was beckoning to him, and even then it was almost not
enough.

   In the face? Aren't they big enough to hit his entire body? :p

Definitely should have revised a third time. This is what happens when you
mix in old not-well-written stories and try to revise them and the new and
old
style don't flow well together. Didn't have that problem with the S1/2
revisions because I had to completely rewrite the whole things since they
were in *shudder* script format.

"Not... over... yet!" Ranma gasped out as he tried to get to his feet.

No

way was he being beaten by this arrogant ass who was rubbing him wrong

worse

than Kunou ever did.

   Humm.

An attempt to show how the guy managed to get under his skin so quickly and
why Ranma's so eager to accept Sifler's offer, even against his better
judgment.

A hard kick met him in the stomach, sending him skidding across the

ground

until the base of a statue of the Principal arrested his velocity when

he

crashed hard into it, breaking off parts of the concrete. All Ranma

could

manage to do was groan in pain, his body refusing to return to his feet.

   Collision sounds kind of dry.

Will look it over and see if I can throw in another sentence or couple of
adverbs or adjectives. Maybe a simile or two.

gut at how casually he was being disregarded by nearly everyone. It

wasn't

that he had been rendered helpless, like with the moxibustion point, he

was

helpless before the fight even started, and it ate away at the core of

him

like nothing ever had.

   So...

   The girls were all mad at him for beating up on Ranma, and now
they're completely enamoured of him?

He admitted he was wrong in continuning to hit Ranma and that they were
right
(Something all women love hearing a man say). And he is an older (than them)
 suave guy. A bit lecherous, as well, as Sifler mentions later.

The man lowered his head slightly, his emerald eyes, vibrant for one so

old,

staring Ranma deep into his. The way the man looked at him, seeming to

look

past his exterior and right inside him to all the feelings and secrets

that

lay beneath, unsettled Ranma. "I know many things. I know a way you can

beat

Takeshi."

   That first sentence is gramatically sound, I think, but makes my head
hurt to read.

The end is off. Have to reword it.

complete and satisfy those urges which lurk in the heart of every man.

I

have the ability to grant unto you those things that would make you
complete. I am all you ever need, the only one you can turn to, the only

one

that would answer your prayers, no matter how light or dark they are."

   Ranma: You own an ecchi-manga shop?

   Cherry: Blast. I knew the 'urges which lurk in the heart of every
man' would give me away.

Heh.

Sifler scoffed. "Hardly anything so clich�. All you need to do is shake

my

hand and the pact will be made."

   Ranma: Oyaji sold my soul for a bowl of rice a few years back. Don't
got nothin' to lose.

   Genma: And two fish!

Now, now. Genny's not that bad.

Ranma considered the offered hand. It sounded good on the surface. A

free

ticket, and hadn't he earned one after all the crap he had to put up

with

over the last few months? For a change, someone else was ticking people

off

instead of him. Shouldn't Takeshi reap the whirlwind the way Ranma

always

had to? It was easy to believe that egotistical jerk had done something

to

piss the old man off so, hadn't he just made Ranma more angry than

perhaps

he had ever been since getting his curse? It would just be a case of

Takeshi

getting his. All he had to do was shake on it.

   Second to the last sentence is a bit of a run-on.

I supposed I can say 'getting what he deserved' instead.

"That will pass as you move and your body metabolizes the change. If you
hurry to the school as fast as you can, you will be in peak condition

when

you get there."

   Huh...

Moving quickly speeds up the process of Ranma's changes. Think of it as
what's in him now being metabolized.

"How do you know that's going on? You've been here the entire time?"

   Is that last bit a question? Or a statement.

Stray question mark. Should have been a period.

Ranma, for his part, did not unleash everything he had at first. He was
still learning the limits of his abilities, and Takeshi was as good a
measuring stick as any. Also there was the fact Takeshi was using some
technique to make himself appear twice as tall as before. But it would

make

no difference in the end. Ranma knew he would be victorious.

   Bleah. Well, there's always a price.

Yep. Though I screwed up the 'What's the catch?" bit, as you point out
later.

   Poor Ranma.

Yes and no. He did get one of the things he wanted the most in the world,
it's just that he had to give up something else in exchange, and didn't know
what it was until afterwards.

"This matter no longer concerns you!" The shout Ranma like a

sledgehammer,

and he fell to his knees for a moment.

   The shout did what to Ranma like a sledgehammer?

Oops. Supposed to be a 'struck' in there. However I'm thinking of dropping
the effect and just leaving it at a shout..

Sifler returned his attention to Takeshi. He held out his hand. "What I

ask

for will do you no good in this life. It is a useless, overrated,

ethereal

thing that dreamers and fools place false emphasis upon. All that you

should

be concerned about are real things, like being the best again. All you
should be concerned about is your greatness. Go ahead. Take my hand.

You'll

be happy. I can see what your heart desires, and this is it."

   Hm.

Another one. Those seem to be popping up a bit.

Sifler gave a dismissive wave. "I gave you what you wanted: the ability

to

defeat Takeshi. I might not have charged you anything for it, but I

never

said there would be no drawbacks."

   Uh... actually, he _did_. Ranma asked what the catch was, and he said
that there were none. Now, while milage may vary... this seems closer to
an outright lie than a clever deception.

Someone else also pointed this out and you're correct. It's too much like a
lie the way it reads, which really hurt the story since that is a major
sticking point. What Ranma did mean in saying 'What's the catch?' was 'What
do you want from me in return?', which was nothing (save that he defeat
Takeshi immidiately, which he admits to before they shake on it). However
that's not clear. So I'll probably reword the question as:

xxxxxxxxxx

 A part of Ranma wanted to jump at the opportunity and accept, but he wasn't
 that stupid. "What do you want from me in exchange?"

" Aside from defeating Takeshi? Nothing."

 "The heck you don't. No one comes out of nowhere and offers to help me
 beat some guy without wanting something from me in return."

xxxxxxxxxxxx

I think that will work

"I have lived up to my end of the bargain! By the rights of the Way, you
cannot bring harm to me in any way, shape, or form," Sifler hissed.

   The Way? So this wierd creature is supposed to be Lao`Tsu?

I'm dropping that as well. It's just going to be "...bargain. You cannot..."

Takeshi moved to intercept her as well. "Don't be stupid, girl! There

are

things worse than death!"

   I thought he left?

Nope. He was hanging around. He just didn't have anything to say after
apoligziing to Ranma.

best that that fic not ever come to light. But in the case of this

piece,

the blame rests entirely upon my shoulders. This one felt a little off,
though it might be because the ending waxes a little too melodramatic,

even

for my tastes. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it, even if it was another

downer

fic. I seem to be doing quite a few of these lately.

   I rather liked the style of Soul of Ice. It's where the inspiration
for one of my own fics came from.

Heh. I don't need to guess which one that is. :)

   Anyway. In generall...

   Well written, gets the point across clearly, and is very interesting
to read. Didn't find the ending too melodramatic.

Well, at least that worked.

   Possibly I'd quibble that the fight scenes feel more than a bit
gratuitous, but then, that's the nature of the game, so to speak.

It kind of grew on me from its original inception. But having Ranma beaten
with less effort would have seemed too gratuitous, and I needed him honked
off enough to accept a deal that he knew deep down inside wasn't a good idea
to accept.

   But... I didn't like it, sorry. :/

Heh. I don't think I'm really surprised. Not too many people enjoy stories,
where the protagonist loses in such a manner. Even I don't like reading
stories like that, which makes writing one all the curiouser. But I'll be
the first to admit that my muse is a peculiar thing at the best of times.

I also screwed up something else, which I should have made clearer. Aside
from the more obvious 'moral' of be careful what you wish for, there is
something else I wanted to do. Even though this story is about Ranma, what
happened to him, as bad as it was, was incidental. As powerful as he is, and
as much as he's done, he ended up being little more than a pawn in another's
conflict. I sort of thought it would be an unusual twist to have something
this major happen to him only because he got caught in a crossfire. I think
it wasn't real clear since Takehsi and Sifler were so 2-D. While it's true
this story was about Ranma and not meant to be about them, and meant to be
short, doing more than touching on them wasn't possible. However I don't
feel I conveyed the sense that Ranma has been plopped down in the middle of
someone else's 'story' effectively enough. Still one of the reasons to post
to the list is to experiment with different ideas, and see how they work.
Judging by some of the reactions, this one doesn't seem to have worked out
as well as I had hoped, but that's going to happen sometimes. You live and
learn.

Thanks for the C+C. You hit pretty much everything on the mark. It's been
very useful. Hopefully will take care of some of the mistakes and plot
holes.

D.B. Sommer


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