Finally had time to do this one. This series is always so good that I
probably won't find anything other than little nitpicks, but here goes
anyway.... :)

"Michael Noakes" <noakes_m@hotmail.com> wrote:

The heavy hand on her shoulder was both reassuring and frightening.
	"Make me proud, my youngest daughter," Father said.
	Pride was the furthest thing from her mind.  I'm scared, she wanted to say. 
 The strong presence of Father behind made it unnecessary, made her doubts 

Can't tell if this line was supposed to be a paragraph break or not.

irrelevant.  He already knew her deepest fears, controlled her secret needs 
utterly--and left no possibility of turning back.  Already her new brothers 
and sisters were changing, releasing the anger that Father had blessed them 
with.  The scene would have been nightmarish had she not seen it before: 
skin peeling back and flesh exploding outward as the inhuman shapes beneath 
stood revealed in the soft moonlight.  The anxious whispers of a moment ago 
became animalistic sibilant hissing, deep-throated wet gurgling, and the 
sharp snapping of skeletal jaws.  Seen before, maybe, but she still wanted 
to squeeze her eyes shut and found herself whispering, "this can't be 

Suggest a comma after "eyes shut," and maybe another "she." (At first
glance it's not clear that the "wanted" doesn't apply to the second
clause.)

	The hulking red figure--is it covered in blood? she absently 
wondered--smashed its massive fist into the confused huddle of young martial 
artists.  Reflexes returned instantly and they scattered and then the beast 
staggered back as Cologne slammed her stick into its chest, leaped past and 
intercepted another figure sliding in, a long tailed lizard-like woman, 

long-tailed

scaled and carrying long wavy knives in its many arms, it struck quickly but 

arms; it

was deflected by the lightning-fast blocks of the ancient Amazon, Shit, 

Amazon.

	Nabiki's scream tried bursting free but caught in her throat, more a hiccup 
of fear than a proper cry, as the huge crimson creature suddenly loomed 
before her supine form, and she realized that it _was_ blood, that a three 
meter tall human-shaped mass of bleeding seeping bubbling flesh was about to 
crush her with a fist the size of her torso, I don't think I can blackmail 

torso. I

	He pulled her towards the stairs.  She noted that Mr. Saotome was doing the 
same with his wife and Dad was covering Kasumi, the four of them already 
climbing towards the second floor.  Her samurai-wannabe came last, bokken 
held low.  The top of his hakama fluttered open from a long slash across his 
body.  Beneath the loose cloth she could see blood trickling along the 
length of his well-muscled chest and mixing with the sheen of sweat.  His 
eyes never left the enemies held in the main room of the house.  Nabiki 
looked back and saw the skeletal figure, utterly still with arms bent 
mantis-like before him, but checked by Ranma and Akane; apparently the 
martial artist had finally woken up.  The lizard-like creature with the 

I assume "the martial artist" is Ranma? It's not as if he's the only one
present.... ^_^

NABIKI: Hey! Martial artist!

SOUN, AKANE, RANMA, GENMA, TATEWAKI, RYOGA, KODACHI, SHAMPOO, COLOGNE,
MOUSSE, AND UKYO: Yes?

knives was gone, but so were Shampoo and Mousse and Ukyou.  Standing at the 
entrance was a new opponent: a tall strongly built man, or so Nabiki thought 
but it was hard to tell, he wore no clothes and his skin was entirely black, 

hard to tell -- he

or

hard to tell; he

	"I think we're safe for the moment," Genma said, standing tensely, and 
Nabiki couldn't tell whether he was relieved to be away from the battle or 
wanted to rush back into the fray.  He looked more frightening, somehow, 
than the cowardly, stupid fat man she had grown to despise over the last two 

Since when has Nabsy despised Genma? Something like 'man she'd made fun
of' would be more appropriate, IMO.

	His entire body jerked savagely before he could take more than a single 
step.  Blood blossomed from his shoulder, spraying the opposite wall.  He 
stared down numbly at the pair of thick, whip-like tendrils plunging through 
his back and out his front.  They curled and twisted sinuously, then swiftly 
retracted back through the closed door into Kasumi's room.  With a groan of 
pain, Genma collapsed to one knee.
The door to Kasumi's room opened and a short, portly man calmly stepped out. 
 Balding, face stubbly with unshaven patches, naked but for a pair of 

Need an indent here (or two; can't tell whether "Balding..." starts a
new paragraph or not.)

	"I have to do this," the woman unexpectedly said, voice distorted by the 
mandible protruding from her mouth but still recognizable, and the leg 
lifted until it stood poised above Nabiki's exposed stomach, the point 
pressing into the skin, ready to plunge down, and then with a flash of 
sudden insight recognition hit the mercenary Tendo: if one of these things 
could be a banker, then why not an up-and-coming pop idol?
	"Hey, aren't you Ayumi Utada?" she asked conversationally.

Are we supposed to know who this is? If an idol singer, you may want to
mention this during the intro. Not all of us live in Japan. :)

	The first attack came, not nearly as fast as it moved yet still blindingly 
quick, barely visible to the martial artist's trained eyes, mantis-like arms 
snapping out.  Ranma blocked the attack, bruising forearm impact, flicked a 

Suggest reversing the order here:

blindingly quick, mantis-like arms snapping out, barely visible to the
martial artist's trained eyes.

Or maybe

blindingly quick, mantis-like arms barely visible to the martial
artist's trained eyes snapping out.

Dunno why, but it just doesn't read right as written.

	"So you are the Key," it observed.

IMO, either the key, or The Key. (And let's pretend we've made a Key the
Metal Idol quip here and move on....)

	Ranma grunted, pain erupting in his side as an attack slipped through.  "I 
know how much she means to me," he answered.  I won't lose, he told himself, 
I'll wear him down, he can't keep this up for long. . . .

It may well be true, but it seems odd for Ranma to blurt this out at a
time like this. Since when is he this honest with his feelings, even to
himself?

	Kasumi stood shivering and alone.  The moon hung heavy and bright in the 
sky overhead.  She listened but heard nothing.  Below and to her right she 
watched Ukyou swing her spatula at her massive foe.  The blade sank deep 
into the creature but it twisted and she lost her grip, and then one massive 
hand bashed her and sent her flying into a tree.  Ranma's other friend, 

A ha! A clear case of Ukyo bashing! :)

	There was a loud squish, and then silence.
	Genma's sign read, Who's the Man?  He flipped it over: I'm the Man!

Heh heh.

	"Akane, I meant to tell you, I did, Ranma made me-"
	"What, Bacon Breath?" asked his friend.  "I never made you do nothin'." 

"Bacon-breath" is (presumably) a description rather than a name, and so
probably shouldn't be capitalized.

Ranma smirked condescendingly as he glanced down at Ryouga.  He nudged him 
with a toe.  "Man, you seem pretty much dead to me."  He shrugged.  "Oh 
well.  You never were much of a rival, anyway.  See, this is why I always 
get to be the hero.  While you're busy bleeding to death, I'm back in that 
there house kicking all _kinds_ of ass."  He gathered both girls into his 
arms and led them away.  "Don't worry, dude," he said over one shoulder.  
"You just go off and die now . . . I'll keep these lovely ladies safe for 
ya."  He faded from view, his final words lingering in the darkness:  "Say, 
Akari, you're pretty hot, how'd you like to be my concubine?"

hot; how'd

or

hot. How'd

AKANE: This is where Ryoga figured out that it was a dream.

RANMA: Because I wouldn't ever say such a thing?

AKANE: No, because I didn't beat the crap out of you for saying it.

	The martial artist snapped his arms forward, palms outwards, reaching again 
for the dark well lurking deep within.  It remained far from empty.  It 
didn't respond as overwhelmingly as before, but there yet remained a 
lifetime of pain to share with his enemy.  It charged forward, lumbering 
across the distance as it picked up speed, earth trembling beneath its feet. 
 Ki rushed through Ryouga's body as he again yelled, "Shishi Houkou Dan!"

Again, what might or might not be a paragraph break. :)

	Releasing his depression and suddenly feeling featherlight, Ryouga leapt 
back as it twisted and swept its hand through where he had been.
	"Now Mousse!"

"Now, Mousse!"

	Blind outside of combat, the Master of Hidden Weapons proved amazingly 

RANMA: And inside of it, too...

MOUSSE: Who asked you?

	"Tatewaki Kuno fights on!"  With these words the mighty kendoist shot to 
his feet, wooden blade held at the ready, hawk-like eyes darting about in 
search of his enemy.  "Wither is that evilly arachnid, yet strangely 
compelling, woman?"
	"About time you woke up," muttered a voice at his side.  He glanced back 
and saw his charge, the mercenary Nabiki Tendo, standing next to a door.  

KUNO: No, not you. I meant the *other* evilly....

NABBY: Oh, aren't we amusing. Given up on seeing more pictures of the
pig-tailed girl, Kuno-chan?

Judging by pictures she had shown him previously, he stood in her very 
bedroom.  Sounds of ongoing combat slowly filtered in through the ringing in 

She's shown him pictures of her own bedroom? Why?

	"Kuno, no, wait!" Nabiki Tendo exclaimed behind him,  "Remember the plan!"  
He disregarded her concern.  True warriors disregard planning; his place was 

disregarded (should be past tense; you may want to use "ignored" or
something else the first time to avoid the repetition)
.

	He knew he couldn't keep it up forever--he was amazed he had lasted as long 
as he had.  Alone against two opponents: even the boy had barely survived 
last night's fight--hell, he had needed help!  You've still got it, Genma, 
he told himself, you're still The Man!  The last decade spent training 
Ranma, spent in flight from his own wife, the constant dodging of 
responsibility, gnawing fear, unable to face the same conflict his own son 
now faced: all of it somehow irrelevant, his own core rediscovered.  The 
greatest victories of recent memory had been Ranma's victories: watching his 
son master a technique overnight, watching the boy tear a God down from the 

god (no caps unless you're using "God" as the name of a specific deity)

	Ranma caught the hand at the wrist.  He stopped it a few centimetres from 
his chest.  Only then did he look up.  Sunken eyes widened in a very human 
expression of surprise--and fear.  Ranma could feel the arm in his grasp 
straining to pull away.  It was strong, but at this moment nowhere strong 
enough.  Ranma searched its face and saw in its sudden terror a fragmented 
reflection of what his own visage must resemble.  He noted the flailing mass 
of tentacles squirming a few meters behind, and thought to himself, It all 
ends here.
	"My name is Ranma Saotome," he said.  "You killed my father.  Prepare to 
die."

Urk. Do you *really* want an in-joke movie reference here? This scene
was wonderfully engaging until I hit this roadblock.

	Geimon Tetsusen Shi, he told himself.

Meaning what?

	The others rushed for the stairs, cursing as they went.  Akane hesitated, 
unable to pull her eyes away from Ranma.  There was a whispered exchange 
between mother and son; and after a final moment of silence, her fianc� 

fiance	(missing e, and no comma)

       Well, took me longer than expected to write this chapter.  Hope the 
wait was worth it.  I'm actually fairly disappointed with the way it turned 
out.  I've learned a lot in writing it, however.  I've learned that I'll 
never tackle such a long fight scene again.  This thing is just way too 
long, in my opinion.  I've also learned that sometimes, telling _is_ better 
than showing.  In a one-on-one fight, intense details might help make a 
fight more vivid--but in giant brawl involving a dozen characters, it slows 
things down too much.

I'd be hard-pressed to imagine this kind of chapter without detailing
the fights... the plot completely hinges on who wins, so you really have
to let it play out, unless one side has a way of taking down the other
quickly. In this case, it didn't seem to drag, though there probably are
places you could cut. I do think it was good that you gave each of the
important regulars the spotlight for some of the time, and you managed
to keep to the spirit of the original characterizations while telling a
much more serious story.

In case you can't tell, I liked it. (This and Awakening of Demons out
within a few weeks of each other. Whee! Wonder if this means Grayson
will have a new chapter by the end of the month.... ^_^)

Hope y'all enjoyed it!  Hopefully, the next chapter will be out a lot faster 
than this one.

That's what they all say. :) (And believe me, I have firsthand
experience with this. ^_^)


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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