On Mon, Sep 10, 2001 at 08:26:22PM -0500, Donald Lee Granberry wrote:
on 9/9/01 9:35 PM, Jonathan Rosebaugh at skip@plover.net wrote:
Congratulations, Jonathan. You attracted the attention of Michael Noakes.
Flattered, you should be. Fear you will. It is necessary. I am not as put
off by this yarn, but think it has a few spots wherein the story-telling
could be better. It does have potential. Your grammar skills seem up to the
task, and that is of major help. Please do not take the following commentary
the wrong way. I AM trying to help you out, not make fun of you.]
Certainly. The whole mention of Cthuhlu was unnessary, as Mr. Noakes
and someone else (off list) pointed out; that has been removed. I'm
very grateful for your other comments.
If the future isn't what it used to be, does that mean that the past
is subject to change in times to come?
[Hmm, that is entirely dependent upon the relative position of the current
now. And if you can figure out the meaning of the previous sentence, you are
one whole hell of lot smarter than I am.]
My mind boggles.
Chapter 1: Some Assembly Required
Universe EH-A (shortened designation), no common name
Furinkan-cho, Nerima, Tokyo, Japan, Earth
-----------------------------------------
[I suggest watching a few of Rod Serling's introductory monologues for the
_Twilight Zone_, then sitting down to re-write the above paragraph. "Dark
and Stormy" don't get there from here, not even as a joke.]
Where would I find these? I'm aware that the opening is somewhat weak;
again, I appreciate your comments.
A pretty woman answered his knock. "Yes?" Once again he concentrated,
this time on the various personnel dossiers.
[personnel dossiers is an internally redundant phrase. I suggest dropping
"personnel" and leaving "dossiers."]
True.
Kasumi saw his eyebrows furrow in concentration. "Tendo Kasumi?" She
nodded.
Michael smiled. The techs rarely made a mistake, but even so, it was
always nice to get first-hand confirmation. "I need to speak to Ranma
and Akane. Are they back from school yet?"
[Cultural nit pick. It would be exceedingly rude of Mr. Tellman to refer to
Ranma and Akane by their first names alone. This is for your information
only and is, in all probability, a matter of minor consequence to the story.
You could argue that this would be entirely in-character for a gaijin, but
then we should see at least some faint reaction from Kasumi.]
Doh. On the one hand, you could argue that people coming to the door
rarely show the proper respect, for Ranma anyhow. On the other hand,
this jibes strongly with his respectful address of Kasumi above. This
will be rectified.
"I'm afraid you're a bit early. Would you like to come in and wait for
them?" Kasumi thought this might be important -- Westerners didn't
come to the door everyday.
[The accuracy of this statement may well depend upon which fanfiction forum
you habituate.]
"Thank you very much, Tendo-san." He stepped inside and removed his
shoes. Kasumi led him to the living room. "Why don't you sit down?" He
took the chair she motioned to.
[Chairs? At Tendo-ke? Are we in the canon Ranma-verse?]
No, just more of my American-centricity showing through. I hope I can
get past that.
"Ah, Tendo-san? I understand that your sister Nabiki is home on
break. Is she here right now? My business is with her too."
[I think the more formal and more correct "as well," would be better use in
lieu of the word "too." This is a matter of opinion and entirely up to you.]
This has already been corrected, in the revision I made after some of
the previous C&C I got. I don't think I'll post anymore revisions
until the complete chapter is finished, though.
Kasumi was startled at this request, but headed upstairs to get
Nabiki, while the stranger waited for Ranma and Akane to return. He
didn't have long to wait.
Ranma walked into the room, still wringing out her shirt, as Nabiki
and Akane followed. "Say, Nabiki, I don't suppose you could offer that
ladle lady some ... incentive to move away or something, could you?"
[Were all three of them upstairs, or just Nabiki? Where is Kasumi at this
point? The action seems garbled to me. However, if no other reader notices,
don't bother changing it and congratulate yourself for successfully palming
a card.]
No, Kasumi went upstairs to get Nabiki, who came down just as Ranma
and Akane were walking in the door. From here on, Kasumi continues her
household chores and fades into the background. This could be made
more clear.
Nabiki laughed. "That's a little out of your budget, Ranma. Who's
this?"
Ranma shrugged as she headed for the kitchen. He returned in a moment,
slightly more damp. "I was about to ask the same thing? Who are you?"
[Okay. So Kasumi is still upstairs looking for Nabiki, who came into the
house with Ranma and Akane--I think.]
Michael stood up, still firmly holding onto his attache case. "My name
is Michael Tellman. I am an agent with an organization known, when
we're known of at all, as the Time Patrol." He smiled. "I don't expect
you to believe that yet, so I brought along this." He reached into a
pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper, which he handed to
Nabiki.
She opened it and quickly scanned the contents, then turned slightly
pale. Akane leaned over. "What's wrong, Nabiki?"
Nabiki showed the page to Akane. "It's a note from myself. From a
future myself. Asking us to trust Tellman-san here. Damn, this is just
like that time with Ranko."
[No, not quite. As I recall from that story, there were kami involved in the
deal. This guy, as you have described him, is human and has made no
reference to kami, divine rule, or anything of the kind. Also, the devil is
in the other details. Nabiki accepts a note from her future self without
some indication that it is genuine? Would not her future self mention
something which only Nabiki knows to convince her past self of the note's
authenticity? Out beloved Nabiki is not the trusting type. She knows who and
what she is, after all.]
I've replaced that last sentance there with "Damn, you don't see this
sort of thing everyday. I wonder if I could sell the TV rights to
this; it'd make a great anime: letters across time and all that." I
figured that there would be some sign that Nabiki sends to herself,
and I also figured that she wouldn't mention it. Nabiki seems rather
quiet about her methods, in the canon, and this felt in
character. What is not in character, in retrospect, is for Ranma and
Akane to accept her saying that it's from her future self. This must
be corrected.
Tellman chuckled. "Speaking of time, we don't have much. As I was
saying, my organization wishes to hire the three of you for a short
while. We'll pay very well." He put the attache case on the sofa and
snapped it open. The three gasped when they saw the contents: stacks
of hundred-thousand yen bills.
[I may well be wrong on this point, but I cannot recall seeing a sofa in
Tendo-ke. There may be one and I missed it. Canon freaks are hereby invited
to correct me if I am in error. Then again, I cannot be certain of which
Ranma-verse this is set in, can I?]
I believe, though I'm working from my mildly faulty memory here, that
a sofa was mentioned in the house in the GD continuity. This may,
however, have been in Nodoka's home. At any rate, I'm rather unaware
of the details of the organization of the Tendo home, which is why we
don't see much of it.
Nabiki recovered her voice first. "A-and exactly how much money is
that?" she asked, barely managing to keep the greed out of her voice.
"One and a half billion yen. That's the down payment. The terms are
three billion, half in advance. We'll leave this afternoon and you'll
be returned home within twenty-four hours." His voice took a more
somber tone. "Assuming you survive."
[This amount is large enough that it should trip alarm bells in Nabiki's
mind, if not both Ranma and Akane.]
When I was writing this, I tried to figure out how much 1.5 million
dollars would come out to in yen, and then rounded it off. I think I
must have gotten it wrong, as this comes out to 12 million dollars,
when I convert it back. Now, when I use xe.com, 1.5 million dollars
comes out to 181 million yen. I think I'll round it down to 150
million.
If that still seems like a lot, then I'd be glad to know what you'd
consider a more realistic amount.
Michael looked up at her, and she was frightened by the look in his
eyes. "It wasn't fictional. Cthuhlu was real, thousands of years
ago. And the ... thing we fight now is even worse."
[Well, the author has certainly taken a large bite at this point. We'll wait
and see if he is able to chew it. Bad-guys this extraordinarily evil are
difficult to write for without resorting to a great many literary sins. I
respect you for your courage, sir.]
Indeed. Cthuhlu is gone in the redraft. I don't know what I was thinking.
Ranma steeled himself. "Well, I guess we ain't gotta choice, do we?
Akane, I think we oughta help him out." He looked quizzicly at
Michael. "'Cept, why do you guys want Nabiki? She's no martial
artist."
[Ah, well, this too seems unlike, Ranma. Perhaps if you had caused Tellman
to place more emphasis on the death of innocents in his pitch, while at the
same time feeding Ranma's ego by telling him he is a vital part of the
solution, then I could buy it.
Yeah. This is another thing that was corrected in the revision.
The flip side is that Nabiki would
automatically be suspicious of such a pitch, recognizing that Tellman was
playing to Ranma's sizeable ego. Indeed, you need to use Tellman to sell
this thing to the reader as well as the characters involved in the story.]
Heh. I really feel bad that I need you to tell me this.
Michael shrugged. "I really don't know myself. I'm just following
orders. But if you're ready? You really shouldn't need to pack
anything, we'll be able to get anything you need later on."
[Tellman here misses a chance to stroke Nabiki's ego and it is a mistake.]
Why is not stroking Nabiki's ego a mistake? This is about the only
thing you've said that I haven't understood.
Nabiki glanced at the others, then nodded. "Ok, I guess I'll come."
Kasumi watched as Michael touched something he was wearing and the
four of them vanished. There was a wooshing noise as air rushed to
fill the vacuum left behind.
What? No objections from Akane? My personal estimate of Ranma is higher than
this as well. He isn't suspicious of Tellman? Why not? Even Nabiki should
have a considerable amount of reserve about this. She is, after all, a bit
of con-artist herself. Should she not be looking for the hooks in this
extraordinarily tasty bait? I would be.]
True, this scene ought to have been longer. That's one of my biggest
problems, I've found, that I sometimes neglect to put down some of the
more important details that I've worked over in my mind.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Universe EH-O (shortened designation), no common name
Furinkan-cho, Nerima, Tokyo, Japan, Earth
-----------------------------------------
The four touched down in a back room, filled with all sorts of
boxes. Michael stepped over to a panel in the wall and tapped a quick
pattern. A door opened, and an unobtrusive Japanese man entered the
room. "Ah, Tellman-san, you've returned."
[The word "unobtrusive" seems misused in this context. I think "nondescript"
might be the better term.]
You may be right.
"I'm afraid we'll be leaving soon. We only stopped in to pick up a few
friends." Michael shrugged apologetically to his friend. "In fact,
they should be here any minute."
The newcomer lead them back the way he'd come in and they found
themselves in a small candy store.
["led" rather than "lead." Bullets are made from lead. Our previous
president led us down a primrose path. Which previous president? All of
them, of course! ]
Ah, my first spelling error! (Well, first in a publicly released
version of this fic, anyway.)
Akane was shocked. "The Time Patrol works out of the back of of a
candy shop?"
Michael shook his head. "Nope, this is just a local office. Most of
our offices have legitimate business fronts; it's a convenient source
of funds as well as a convenient disguise."
[Are they, or are they not working out of the back of a candy shop? The
author is trying to have it both ways. Of course, they operate out of the
back of a candy shop. They operate out of the back of dry cleaners, gas
stations, okonomiyaki shops, and sleezy bars. They are a clandestine
organization and need such places for centers of operation. They would also
need safe houses.]
Sorry, I meant here to say that while this certainly is a base of
operations, it is not the sole or main base. The Time Patrol has a
prominant headquarters and regional bases in universes and times where
they can be public.
himself. Ryouga boggled.
"Ahem." She [which she? There are numerous females in this scene, some of whom
are actually guys part of the time.] glared somewhat at the four. "Would
The she here is Ryouga. I thought this would be obvious, since "she"'s
the last-mentioned person to whom the pronoun would (temporarily at
least) apply, and also given that she's boggling in the last paragraph.
to her. [Which her? There are at least four in the scene.] "Um, important
Again, Ryouga is the last-mentioned female person.
thing for you to know, Ryouga and Ranma. You'll
want to try to be in your male forms whenever we jump. Your curse
shouldn't be affected by universe transfer, but I still want to be
careful." Ryouga gratefully took the water and transformed.
[Arrgh! Unwarranted and previously unsignaled change in POV! Arrgh! I hereby
dock you twenty-points.]
Ranko had entered the room during the last exchange. "Wait a minute!
Universe transfer? The letter I got never said anything about universe
transfer." She'd had quite enough experience being in the wrong
universe, thank you very much.
[Arrgh! Another unsignaled change in POV.]
I don't have as much of a problem with these as you seem to have; they
can be reworked if necessary, however.
"Letter? What's going on here? Tellman, I'd really like an
explanation." Ranma was also somewhat confused. That was about par
for the course, unfortunately, but that didn't mean he had to be happy
about it.
[See my complaint about Nabiki now? Would you really expect her not to ask
about the details of a contract before committing her very own, very tender
hide to the enterprise? Granted, we may well be dealing with an alternate
Nabiki, but this is something of a stretch--at least for me it's a stretch.]
I'm sorry. This is a product of my inexperience with Nabiki. Having
her along on an "adventure" is defiantly
Michael heard a familiar voice inside his head. "Michael, you're not
giving them enough credit. They can handle the truth. *All* of it." He
sighed. "We'll be going to our headquarters, in a universe called
Danel. I'll answer all your questions there."
[And another. I am, if you haven't noticed, rather touchy on this issue.]
Slightly mollified, the teenagers calmed down. Michael again touched a
piece of equipment that he wore. The device established a link to the
computers embedded in the walls, computers that would have driven the
CEOs of several major computer manufacturers mad with envy, and
coordinated the removal of six people from the universe.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Universe F-O (complete designation), common name "Danel"
Time Patrol HQ, Luna
--------------------
The first thing Ranko noticed, when vision returned after her ordeal,
was that she felt significantly lighter than usual. The second thing
she realized was that while the shock of transfer was much less this
time, she still felt like she was about to lose her last meal. When
she felt like she could open her eyes, she found herself in a spacious
anteroom of some sort. Emblazoned on one wall was a red hourglass,
pictured floating above a strangely distorted space scene.
[Anteroom? How does she know it's an anteroom? How do we the readers know
she's in an anteroom.]
A remnant of the writing cycle; Originally I'd planned to drill down
their location much more in the "status line" that occurs at universe
transfer. Perhaps she knows it's an anteroom because of the plaque on
the wall that says "Time Patrol HQ, Conference Room 56A", which I
forgot to mention? This is probably another result of my sometimes
overly florid writing style that should be eliminated.
"Welcome to the Beginning." The voice startled her. It did not belong
to any of the five from Japan, and since it was obviously female it
could neither have come from Michael's mouth, yet Ranko had neither
felt nor heard anyone approach. She may have lost some of her former
skill, the obvious conclusion of her shift in focus to the violin, but
she still had retained the ability to sense a presence. That skill had
been drilled into Ranko at the very beginning of that hated training
trip, being as it was a vital part of any martial artist's defense.
She hoped that this wasn't a sign that she was beginning to lose what
skill she still had. Having run through that train of thought in about
half a second, she bent her attention upon what the voice in question
had said. "The beginning? The beginning of what?"
The voice sounded amused. "You want to know? Good." A woman appeared
out of nothing, standing before her. Ranko could tell from the gasps
that her friends and, more importantly for her confidence in her
remaining martial arts abilities, her sometime doppelganger were as
startled as she was.
To be continued, hopefully soon.
You need to go over these last two paragraphs carefully. There are several
garbled sentences. I can infer your intent, but the last thing you want is
to ask the reader to infer something when you mean to tell them something.
I'm afraid that I have to agree with you here. A pity, really, as I
liked the way some of them sounded, but it's probably necessary.
I think this idea has intriguing possibilities, but this teaser needs some
elaboration at points. I think you are rushing yourself and not writing
enough. It is sometimes necessary to gloss over sticking points, but there
are also times when you cannot and should not even try.
This has always been one of my biggest problems. I try to be concise,
and I am, but at the expense of necessary detail.
If in fact entire
universes are at risk, say the multi-verse has found itself in the grip of
an evil author, as in Heinlein's _Job_, I would expect Tellman to have few
compunctions about simply kidnapping our worthy heroes first, and explaining
later.
That was an evil _author_?!? I thought the poor guy was simply at the
mercy of fickle gods. Admittedly, I didn't pay as much attention to
the book as I could have, as I didn't much care for the premise, but
still, I can't believe I would have missed that.
Money seems an unlikely bait for Ranma or Akane. Nabiki or Genma,
yes, but not Ranma and Akane. Kidnapping Nabiki, then talking her into
helping Tellman set a trap for Ranma and Akane by serving as bait might be
one way out of this dilemma. That's just a suggestion, I can imagine other
approaches that would seem equally workable.
Money is not the bait here for Ranma and Akane. I realize now that I
did not make that clear enough.
Do try gain, Jonathon. You have the makings of an entertaining tale here,
all it needs is finishing.
Don Granberry.
Thanks a lot. If you're interested in seeing what I've done to this
teaser with the C&C I've gotten, email me, as I won't be posting to
the list until I get a chapter or two done.