Stephen Pardue wrote:

Well, it's been a while, but here, finally is another brief chapter of Scream! I've been sitting on this one for a long time, for no explainable reason, so please forgive me.

  Vu`ja DE!

  I think I've read parts of this story!

  Note -- Please pardon any missing lower-case letters in my C&C. My keyboard is dying the slow death, shift keys first. ;_;

  Standard disclaimer: Feel free to disregard any of my C&C you don't like. :)

Skuld's face turned a bright cherry red. "That was not my fault! No one
told me they changed the file format!" She pointed an accusing finger at
Urd. "But that's beside the point. I need your help -- they want
Belldandy to track down the source of a corrupted file, and I want to
find and fix it before she does."

  bright cherry -- bright, cherry (?)

  Urd: Ah. Trying to out-do your sister and steal her job, eh?

"Ahhh. Now I see." Urd propped herself up on one arm, grinning like the
Cheshire cat. "You're afraid Bell is going to catch you with your hand
in the cookie jar. Give it up, sis. What did you do?"

  Mischeif. The perfect hangover cure.

Skuld nodded furiously. "She's a real macho tomboy. Talks like a boy and
everything!" She leaned closer to Urd, speaking conspiratorially. "She
even has a... a girlfriend!"

  conspiratorially. "She -- conspiratorially, "She (?)

"Well, why didn't you say so in the first place," Urd said as she threw
off her sheets and bounded to her feet bedside the bed and her startled
sister. She placed her hands on her hips and grinned maniacally down at
Skuld. "This sounds a job for the goddess of Luuuv!"

  Two instances of 'and' in that first sentence. It looks a little awkward.

It was true, Urd supposed, that not every aspect of being a goddess was
wonderful. Sure you had amazing powers, and of course you got to set
your own hours, but then again, you were on call 24/7/365 for all
eternity. It was no wonder she was driven to drink But then again, every
now and then a situation like this came up that made it all worthwhile.

  Doesn't being on-call for eternity preclede making your own hours? :p

To help someone find their true love,  no matter what form that love
took, was always an amazing experience. Urd lived for it; had made it
her life's work. Even if she really was the goddess of the Past, her
true avocation was as the goddess of love; red silk sheets, skimpy
bathing suits  and all. So once she had heard Skuld's story, there was
no chance that she would simply ignore her sister's plea and return to
sleep. She simply had to help this poor victim of Skuld's.

  First line -- looks like there's an extra space after the first comma.

  And again after 'bathing suits'.

  Repetition of 'simply'. Perhaps replace one instance with, 'just'?

Standing before her laboratory table, she considered the two questions
before her. First, she had to locate the girl, and then she had to find
a way to restore her male form. The first was a snap.  Digging her
keyboard out from under a pile of personal adds, she turned on her
terminal and composed a quick e-mail.

  Doesn't she need to know about the spells involved, too?

  To: oracle@cs.indiana.edu From: urd@yggdrasdil.hvn

  Oh Oracle most wise, how's it hanging?

  Could you do me a teensy, little favor? I need to know today's
  itinerary for a mortal by the name of Ranma Saotome (obj ref
  021AF45C:002444A1). More detail would be great, but just her location
  will do. Don't forget to give me the coordinates of any televisions as
  well.

  Urd

  P.S.: Sorry about the woodchuck and whipped cream thing at the
  last office party. Hope you're feeling better and the stitches are out.

  People with MAC addresses. Heh.

  Oh, and the woodchuck bit is funny, too. :p

The real problem was that Ranma could not be allowed to know that a
goddess was around, much less fixing her curse. That would be bad,
because there was no way the system auditor would miss that. A covert
operation was what she needed, one where she could be in and out without
Ranma and her girlfriend suspecting anything.

  Tsk... Urd, should have done a more thorough background check.

Deep in thought, it took a second for her to recognize the beep of her
terminal as it received a new e-mail. Casually, she eyed her screen, and
grinned when she saw who it was from.

  E-mail: MAKE KARMA FAST!

  Urd: Arg! More spam!

Good old Orrie. Urd had known she could count on him. This was perfect.
A black silk shirt? She had just the thing....

On the table before her, Urd contemplated the sheer, silk, high-necked
dress she was sacrificing for the common good. It was black, or course,
with a dragon embroidered into the dress in gold thread. The dragon
started on the back and lay draped over the left shoulder of he dress,
it's large head falling across the chest. Now, all she had to do was
form it into a shirt appropriate for a man.

  or course,  -- of course, (spelling)

  it's -- its

On the floor of her workroom was engraved a circle of power, a complex
design of concentric circles. At five points around the circle was
placed a candle. Carefully, Urd positioned the dress in the center of
the engraving. At her mental command, all five candles burst into flame
and the ceiling lights turned off.

  Skuld: Waaah! Rolling blackout!

Focusing her mind, she summoned her will and began to cast her spell:

        Spirits, hear me and obey!

        Shape this cloth into a form pleasing to behold;
            Ward it well against those who would harm its wearer.

        Weave into it the the strength of the dragon which
            adorns it; And bind it to my bidding!

        I, Urd, command thee!

  Are the capitals trailing the semicolons intentional?

Around the dress, a mist rose slowly from the floor, creeping up along
the invisible column of the circle in which the dress lay. At te
ceiling, the mist turned inward, plunging down the center of the column
and crashing against the dress. The fabric at the edge of the dress
began to flutter, as if it was caught in a strong breeze, and individual
threads of silk began to unravel, running across the surface of the
dress. As more and more mist filled the column, the dress faded from
view, until all that was left was a ghostly column in the middle of the
room, glowing with a pale light.

  At te -- At the (spelling)

Urd's brow creased as the strength required to bind the spirits to her
command began to tax her.  Fingering her moonstone bracelet that
contained her energy reserves, she hurried to complete her spell.
Concentrating upon the column, he began to chant softly, the words
barely audible even to herself, as she formed the program she wanted to
bind the shirt.

  Second sentence sounds awkward. Would suggest replacing the first 'her' with 'the'.

An inch outside the column a complex series of occult equations and
diagrams appeared, looking as if they had been formed of polished jade.
The goddess continued to chant, and more and more words crawled around
he column, rotating to keep the point of insertion directly in front of
Urd's eyes. When she was done, the column was surrounded with the
mystical equation from floor to ceiling. With a sudden snap, the words
imploded into the column, where there appeared, for one brief instant,
the form of a pig-tailed boy. Then the column slowly sank into the
floor, with the mist billowing out as the column sank, leaving only five
puddles of rapidly cooling wax, and a black, silk, Chinese shirt.

  Belldandy: You're going to clean that wax up, right?

The redhead rolled her eyes as her companion pulled a sweater out of the
pile in the bin. "Geez, Akane. How many of these are you going to look
at. Its too hot for this!"

  Should Ranma's second sentence end in a question mark?

"Oh, come on Ranma. Look at the prices! This sweater is only 1500 yen!"
Akane held the sweater out to Ranma. "Try it on!"

  on Ranma. -- on, Ranma. (commage)

  Ranma: Come on Ranma? What is this, a lemon?

"Well, most people don't have to buy clothes for two different bodies."
Akane pulled another sweater from the pile and turned towards Ranma. "
Here, try this one."

  That quotation mark looks a little off. :p

"Well, of course! They're girls. They like this sort of stuff." Ranma
flapped the neck of her red-silk shirt and tried to cool off.

  red-silk -- red silk

On the other hand, Ryouga, Shampoo, Mousse --  even her old man, for
that matter --  had never had their curses locked out of the blue like
this. Akane kept acting like it was no big deal; just wait a few days
and it'll fix itself. Ranma wasn't so sure, but she was interested in
checking out this temple. Who knew what old scroll or spirit could be
hidden away in there, after all these years. If she could only get Akane
to stop shopping and start walking!

  Well, Ryouga and Mousse did in the Herb arc, but that didn't last very long.

Blushing at the thought, Ranma didn't see the exotic woman in front of
her, until she towered above her. Startled, Ranma tried to step back,
but before she could, the other woman reached down and cupped her chin,
turning her face left, then right, before tilting it up to stare into
Ranma's eyes..

  First sentence is worded a little awkwardly. Extra period at the end of the paragraph?

"My, my, you have been thinking naughty thoughts, to make your face so
red."

Ranma blushed more, and yanked her head away from the woman's grasp.
Before she could reply, the woman had pulled the dress out of her hands
and was holding it up and eying it critically. "It's nice," idly she
pulled a finger down the front of the dress as she eyed Ranma. "But
don't you think something a little more daring would be nicer?"

  "It's nice," idly -- "It's nice." Idly (?)

"My name is Urd." Urd paused to strike a suitably impressive pose,
giving Ranma another reason to blush, "And I am here to help you."

  blush, "And -- blush. "And

"Well," Ranma eyed Urd suspiciously. "I guess so."

  "Well," Ranma -- "Well." Ranma

Urd reached into a rack and pulled out a Chinese shirt similar to the
ones Ranma usually wore, except that it seemed to be more - real. Imbued
with some sort of life of it's own. "Perhaps, something like this?"

  The description's a little stilted here... :/

Ranma held the shirt closely, examining it. "This might be ok!"

  ok -- okay (?)

Ranma ran the cloth between her fingers critically, and spent several
long seconds examining the dragon design. Peeking inside the neck, she
looked for a price tag. "How much is it," she asked suspiciously.

  is it," she asked -- is it?" she asked

"For you, today, it's at a very special price." Urd smiled. This was
like taking candy from a baby.  With a little luck she'd have it wrapped
up in a few minutes, and no one would be the wiser. Ranma and Akane were
such a cute couple. And now, with the help of a few of the extras she'd
included in her spell, maybe Ranma would work up the guts to advance
their relationship a little bit.

  Eh. Ranma and Akane don't need help getting together.

  Then again, Urd's help isn't much... well, 'help', at all. ;)

Ranma walked towards the back of he store, where Akane was, near the
dressing rooms. As she went, she smiled at the shirt she was holding.
The woman had been right   It was perfect.

  right   It was -- right. It was

Nearing Akane, she saw the other girl holding up blouses in front of a
mirror. Smiling Ranma walked up behind her and held up the shirt. "Check
out what I found!"

  Smiling Ranma -- Smiling, Ranma

  Unsmiling Ranma: What do I do in this scene?

Ranma gave a short laugh and placed her hand on the back of her head.
"Well, actually, I was thinking that it might look better on you."

  Thought so.

"I think that Shampoo chooses her clothes with something other than
fighting in mind."

  Is that harshness characteristic of Akane? Seems a fairly unkind thing for her to say, since she's generally one of the nicer (friendlier) characters in the manga towards pretty much everyone.

Akane smiled and took the shirt. "Ok, ok." She walked into an open booth
and shut the door.  Faintly Ranma could hear her giggle.

  Faintly Ranma -- Faintly, Ranma

There was silence for a second before Akane responded. Ranma could hear
her moving around.  "Nothing, nothing." Another pause before she
continued. "Thanks Ranma. It just, well, you know...that you..."

  It just -- It's just (?)

More bumping noises came from the booth, and then.... Akane screamed.
Except that, it wasn't Akane who screamed it was a man! Ranma's kick
slammed the dressing booth's door open, and he found himself facing --
himself.

  screamed it -- screamed, it

  Interesting.

  Well, I'd certainly like to see more of this one, Mr. Pardue!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Steve Pardue
steve@spardue.org
http://www.spardue.org/anime