Donald Lee Granberry wrote:

on 9/17/01 9:04 PM, Brian Randall at brian@azurite.org wrote:

Mmm... chock full of re-write-y goodness!

I am very pleased to find that you have not given up on this one, Brian. My
comments are enclosed in square [] brackets. I have placed the majority of
them on a line of their own, but there are a few inserted directly in your
text.

  I'll stop fightin' when I'm dead. ;)

  But thanks for the support!

Don.

It was hardly the reason that she and Shampoo had some to China, and
Ranma's desirability as a husband... now _there_, was a quandary. Would
he survive, or would he break himself in his upcoming ordeal?

[The first sentence in the above paragraph is garbled.]

  Ah, artifact of the rewrite. Went in and forgot a lot of the previous changes I had tinkered with. I should have polished it again before I posted.

He was a lot like a diamond, Cologne mused. A potentially flawless
gem... but so very, very brittle. His stresses would need to be played
just _so_... or it would all come to naught.

[FYI and not important to your story. Only about one third of the work done
on a diamond is accomplished by fracturing it along its planes of
crystallization. The remainder is done by grinding. I know, it IS surprising
given what is shown on television and what is written about in most
articles.]

  Actually, I knew that. But they are very brittle.

Ranma would have been a very good catch for Shampoo, true... but
times had changed, and so had he. Was the difficulty in finishing the
stone worth the price of failure? [The previous sentence is grammatically

corrrect, but the intent is not clear. I suggest considering a re-write.]
The sight of Shampoo bouncing between

the tables distracted Cologne, and she sighed again.

  Will revise.

Shampoo blinked, then nodded eagerly, clapping her hands together
and bouncing up and down. The male population of the restaurant
swallowed noisily at the sight, while their respective dates growled.

[Me? I just broke out into a feverish sweat.]

  Hehe...

"What if old pervert not know?" Shampoo frowned slightly, though she
was flattered at being told she was the most suitable for a distraction.

Akane heaved an exaggerated sigh. "He's an old pervert. We'll beat
him up anyway."

[Bwaha! Bwaha-ha-ha!]

  Finally I make with the funny. :p

Shampoo-neko calmly licked herself clean while Happosai's weak
struggles were halted with a few exacting hammer and spatula strikes.

[A cunningly crafted trap and positively hilarious scene.]

  Thank you. The plan was the girls', though. I just wrote it down.

Akane growled, face turning crimson, "Ahem. Enough of that."

Ukyou blinked, as Happosai smirked silently. Shaking her head, she
turned to Akane. "You've seen Ranchan... naked?"

[Poor, poor, Ukyou! "Ubi ga jamaa! Ubi ga jamaa!" One of the best lines she
has in the entire series.]

  From the TV show? I don't remember that one.

Cologne's voice came from the doorway of the restaurant. "Oh, they
might not be able to [delete the word "be" following this note] be, but I

would. Now that you three are actually

trying to work together, we might accomplish something."

  Thanks.

Cologne picked up where Akane left off, "...you don't really trust
the Amazons, but if you were to catch Ranma and bring him to me, I might
be able to use some truth spice or something on him?"

[This reads like a statement, but you use a question mark to mark its end.
People do speak this way from time to time, but it is prone to confuse
readers. If more than one reader grumps about it, you should consider
changing the punctuation.]

  Well, Cologne's asking if Akane's thinking what she's thinking...

  Cologne: Akane, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

  Akane: A way to destroy all perverts?

  Cologne: Yes, Akane!

  ... but I can fix that easily enough.

She swallowed back a yelp as she landed across Ranma. The only thing
she could think of for a long moment was just how much trouble it was
going to be to explain this one. After Ranma failed to react, she
flushed, and muttered, "Well? Aren't you going to call me a 'clumsy
uncute tomboy'?"

[I found myself wishing you had played this up a bit more. Perhaps a
frustrated Akane trying various stimulae in hopes of waking Ranma, but it is
your story.]

  Actually, this is an almost completely untouched scene from the original draft... but there is a reason for it to be as brief as it is.

Akane sighed in relief that she hadn't walked into her sister's
verbal trap, then prepared for bed. She would be far too busy trying to
figure out what was wrong with Ranma to worry about her sister's
machinations...

[Ooh! Akane is wising up. Many wills scream "OOC! OOC!" My advice? Ignore
'em.]

  Well, I think it's IC -- note that she _did_ slip into answering Nabiki before she caught herself. But thanks for the encouragment. ;)

Sticking     largely to the shadows, Ukyou scrutinized Ranma's daily
'battle' with Kuno, noting that Ranma simply dodged a few attacks, then
pounded Kuno firmly into the ground, leaving the dazed kendoist
unconscious. Nothing had seemed different there...

[Formatting problem in the first sentence of the above paragraph.]

  Victim of MS Wierd. Never would have caught that. ^_^;;

The fact that Ranma had witnessed and been willing to use the
techniques on his own was a gift from the kami, as far as he was
concerned. And until all was ready...

[Okay, I'm confused. Which techniques? Happy has several. Is Ranma learning
to draw power from girls and their undies?]

  I forgot to add that detail. Bleah. For 6 months, you'd think there would be more impressive improvements.

  Old scene that I forgot to revise. Will adjust.

At the rate things were going, something was going to have to give,
soon. He just hoped he could keep holding it at bay, until... until...
Well, something would come up. Ranma was sure he would win. He was the
best. He had to be.

[Well this IS worrisome. Is our hero hemorrhaging from a lesion in the mouth
or are his lungs becoming raw? Very, very worrisome.]

  No, spitting blood is generally up there on the list of 'things that aren't good'.

Akane narrowed her eyes, pretending not to notice the subtle
trembles in Ranma's hands -- the trembles that were becoming less
subtle, with each day. Something had to be wrong, but she was afraid to
push too far... maybe something to distract Ranma, and give him a chance
to calm down.

[The impact of the story would be greatly improved if you gave us some
notion of how much time has gone by in the introductory paragraph of this
scene. I get the feeling it has been a week or two, but the matter is not
clearly defined.]

  Had not thought of that. Will revise!

Ranma had fallen, Kuno somehow having landed a good blow. She
stumbled forward in confusion, wishing she had paid more attention.
Ranma slunk low outside of Kuno's reach, clutching his shoulder like a
wounded animal, teeth bared. Kuno was too caught-up in his own success,
and was laughing maniacally, not watching Ranma.

[Okay, here is yet more reason for giving some indication of how much time
has passed. Ranma's condition must be degrading to an alarming state, but it
seems as though it has happened overnight.]

  Already taken into account, but you're right.

And then the pigtailed boy struck, leaping at Kuno, arms extended
and viciously clapped them together just below Kuno's ears, sending the
tall kendoist to the ground. Ranma hissed, preparing to attack again,
possibly crippling the fallen combatant -- or worse -- but Akane grabbed
his arm, hauling Ranma back from Kuno.

[Now we KNOW something is very badly wrong. Ranma has never gone after a
downed opponent that I can recall.]

  Nope. I do believe you are correct.

And why not? If you think about it, it's almost feasible. Obviously
not to the extents that I've taken it, but you have to wonder...

This is an enormous improvement, Brian. You have the makings of a first-rate
yarn going here.

  You are far too kind. ^_^;;;

I eagerly await the next piece,

  Thanks!

Don Granberry.