Bjorn Christianson wrote:

} Date: Sat, 01 Sep 2001 10:54:12 -0700
} From: Brian Randall <brian@azurite.org>

}     Er... yeah. Sorry about the delay. ^_^;;;
This C&C is not late.  You are imagining things.  This C&C
is completely prompt, and when I promised it.  Upon
receiving this C&C, you will send me fifty dollars.

  I'll get RIGHT ON THAT!

}     Blinking, her arm protectively encircling the child sleeping at her } side, Washuu eyed the newcomer in surprise. Suu stirred slightly, but } remained asleep. Ranma, however, was on his feet in a heartbeat, tensed } for battle, though he held his blades in reserve. "What do you want?" he } asked mistrustfully.

COLOGNE:  A cup of sugar.

I found the phrasing a bit awkward here.  My first
impression was that Suu was "the newcomer"; and then,
Ranma.  Of course, this is only a problem because the scene
is set up in the previous chapter, rather than here -- which
isn't a problem if you're reading this as a story, rather
than one chapter at a time.

  Hm. Point. Will clarify.

}     The old woman before him cackled, shaking her head, "Calm yourself, } Muko-dono. I heard from the other boys what you did. I'm
} impressed."
COLOGNE:  I was ten times your age before I mastered Dance
         Dance Revolution!

  Heh. Thinking of a certain Utena mystery fusion? ;)

} She } looked upwards, sighing, and waved her staff towards the ships overhead. } "I've not seen anything like this in all my years. I haven't seen one of } the 'monsters' myself, either... but I hear that you've fought some of } them. Hmm... and the boys say that your father killed one..." she } trailed off, frowning darkly. "But that's not the point."

RANMA:  So were you gonna make one anytime soon?

This does strike me as a bit rambling for Cologne, in all
seriousness.

  I'm not sure what to change about this one, but I'll see what I can come up with. I thought that Cologne as still somewhat confused/off-balance would work, but I don't think I played that off very well.

}     He nodded again, not looking away from the small figure. "Yeah. She } taught me the soul of ice and the hiryuu-shouten-ha."

Normally, wouldn't that be "Soul of Ice" and "Hiryuu Shouten
Ha"?  (I'm not sure how you did it in the past chapters.)

  I think I capitalized HSH in theUC, and the Soul of Ice in other fics, but not in this one.

  I'm consistant to the fic, if not _all_ my fics. :/

}     He settled for glowering at the older woman, saying nothing. Washuu } raised an eyebrow. That was likely an interesting story... time for that } later, though. "Well, it's nice of you to offer to help, but we'd need a } whole _army_ to try and stave off the reavers."

"interesting story.  Time for" (Or use a semi-colon, or you
could leave it -- but it is an unnecessary ellipsis.)

  Are you sure? I wanted to -- kind of -- indicate her train of thought wandering before getting back on track with a 'soft' interupt, rather than a hard one. Hm.

  Well, I'll adjust it.

}     Cologne chuckled dryly. "Ask, and ye shall receive."

SUU:  Oo!  Bananas?

}     Washuu blinked, her confusion rapidly growing. "What's in China?"

RANMA:  *Really* good ramen.

SUU:  Banana ramen?

  You begin to see why she was left asleep for this scene. :p

}     Yosho eyed the beat-up and worn cars as they rolled into the street } ahead of him. The first was in fair condition, packed with a worried } looking family, and the other was an aging and failing pickup truck, } that sputtered and ground to a halt a short distance away.

Given that you go on to make a distinction between them, I'd
drop the "beat-up and worn".  (Especially as it clashes with
the description of the first car.)

  My mind thinks one thing, and then my brain goes and things another think!

  Is muchly confuzzled.

  Will adjust.

}     Yosho's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Bogard-san," he called out, } recognizing the tall man. "You came to Tokyo after all?"

BOGARD:  Isn't this Kyoto?

RYOGA:  That's *my* line, dammit!  Follow the script!

  Heh. Hm. Hibiki training under... no.

}     Terry nodded, his features still set with the seemingly dead look he } had worn before.
I'd drop the "seemingly".  The reader knows what a "dead
look" is like, and all the modifier does is weaken the description.

  Really? Wow. You learn something new every day...

  I thought it meant that he seemed to look dead. Huh.

}     Flicking the radio's volume down, the swordsman sighed, one hand } fiddling with the 'imitation' key that Washuu had given him. He didn't } really want to know how she had come up with it -- the woman was eerily } capable, and it worked much like the tenchi-ken. Asking to no more would } likely be asking for trouble. "So much for that. So what are you } planning next?"

Hum.  Again, I'd think that "Tenchi-ken" would be
capitalized, as it is a proper name.

  Is it? They're refering to it as 'the' ... And then, I've been doing that since chapter one...

  Bleah. I wish it had been caught sooner.

"Asking to know more"

  Jason Liao caught that one. :p

}     Terry frowned, watching the stopped car resume its pace, } accelerating down the still empty street.
"resume its pace" sounds odd to me, in this context.
Perhaps "lurch into motion", or similar?

  Hmm... Will adjust.

}     Yosho rubbed at his chin thoughtfully, then shrugged, beckoning } Terry to follow. "Well, let's meet up with Ranma and Washuu, Bogard-san. } Perhaps we can discuss with them."

"discuss it" or "discuss that" or "discuss bananas."  You
need an object, anyways. :)

  Well, that was intentional, actually, but I'll go ahead and fix it.

}     Tenchi stalked forward, Ryouko drifting at one side, and Ayeka } scurrying along the other, attended by the Guardians. Ryo-oh-ki sighed } tiredly from her position atop Kamidake, while Tenchi scanned the } largely deserted streets.

This is a really minor point, but it's not actuall clear who
the Guardians are attending to.

  Actually. But they're attending the group as a whole.

}     Ayeka coughed politely, offering, "Katsuhito is truly Yosho, } Tenchi-dono. He's my older brother, and the, ah, heir to the throne."

TENCHI:  And the guy you wanted to boink?

AYEKA:  That too.

  Heh.

}     Ayeka nodded, while Ryouko snickered, "Just like Ayeka." The } princess colored angrily, but said nothing at the insult.

I'd drop the "at the insult" -- a bit redundant.

  I'm going to have to think about it -- someone else e-mailed me and I got the impression that he wouldn't have known it were an insult otherwise.

  Then again, maybe I _should_ assume more familiarity with canon...

  Will consider.

}     "Tenchi?" he asked, seemingly surprised at the boy's presence.

Now, this is of course personal preference, but I don't like
the use of adjectives like "seemingly surprised."  It's a
bit of a cop-out.  Either Yosho *is* surprised, in which
case the effect is unnecessarily weakened; or you're trying
to convey that he looks surprised to Tenchi, in which case
you're copping out on delivering a proper description (even
something as simple as "blinking in startlement").

  A cop-out? If I knew what that meant, I'd be offended. Um. I mean, I am offended. Seemingly. Bleah.

  "Once again, things that it would have been usefull for me to know YESTERDAY!"

  Name the quote, get a cookie.

  I'm now going to make myself go back through all five chapters and remove every instance of 'seemingly'. Must... break... habit...

  And now I'm noticing that a lot of them work as is -- the people who are observing aren't always certain. But a lot of them have to go.

  And now that I'm done, I see that I got a lot worse with that bad habit as this fic progressed. This chapter being the worst so far. Bleah!

I'll shut up now.

  That's my line.

}     "Yeah?" Tenchi managed, still horribly confused by the entire } ordeal. "Who are you?"

YOSHO:  I am your grandfather.  You killed Inigo Montoya.

  Hm. 'The Pirates' Bride'. Naaahh...

}     Yosho looked uncomfortably, and hedged evasively, "I wanted to let } my descendants live a life away from the pressures of the court." He } shook his head suddenly, straightening. "What are you doing here, } Tenchi? You should be somewhere safe -- not here."
} }     Tenchi shook his head dismissively. "It's not important... I'm here } to find you."

If it's not important, why is he answering the question? ;)

  He's saying that him being somewhere safe is unimportant. Hm. If it looks that bad, I'll see what I can do about rewording it, though.

}     Eyes narrowing, Yosho clasped his hands together behind his back. It } was a gesture Tenchi knew too well, one that made him wonder what his } 'grandfather' was planning. "And what are you going to do now that } you've found me?"

Yosho *is* his grandfather.  The quotes are... peculiar.

  Actually, he's not. Yosho's his great^(some random power)-grandfather. The quotes are there because Tenchi feeld hurt by the deception and betrayal.

  If it doesn't work, I can get rid of them.

}     The boy's dismay increased, and he found himself struggling for } words, no longer sure what to say. Ayeka had no subtle advice this time, } and Ryouko seemed as much at a loss as he was. The guardians kept } respectfully silent, and Ryo-oh-ki would likely be no help anyway... } "So... you're just like the Emperor? You can help, but you refuse to?"

This seems a bit OOC for Tenchi to me.  He strikes me as
much more likely to shout out the real situation here,
rather than being bullied into submission.  A recurring
theme in the OAVs (and the manga which shares the
continuity) is how in times of stree, Tenchi's leader
qualities come forth.

  Now, I'm just going to have to disagree with you, here.

  I've never noticed Tenchi to ever be a 'leader' for anything. Impressive warrior, yes, but he's more the type to snarl and destroy than give orders from what I've seen of the OAVs.

  The manga can share as much continuity as it wants -- I don't have access to it anyway, so it doesn't help me. Though I _do_ have the woefully misleading Tenchi  Muyo! RPG sourcebook!

}     Yosho staggered back, seemingly shocked at Tenchi's lashing out. } "NO!" he roared, shoving Tenchi back. "I'll not speak of this further." } With that Yosho turned his back on Tenchi, leaving the boy to fume at } nothing.

"Lashing out" twice in short order.  It's not clear that
Tenchi physically lashed out.  See my notes on
"seemingly". ;)

  Will adjust.

  Already been removed.

And, again, this just seems very OOC.  Tenchi and Yosho have
both been always fairly level-headed, with a great deal of
respect for each other -- Tenchi is arguably closer to his
grandfather than his father.  This whole fight, coming as it
does basically from the refusal of either to listen or
explain, is a bit hard to swallow, even with the
circumstances.

  Well, shoot. I have no idea what to do about this, then.

  It works for _me_, but then...

  Unfortunately, this whole thing's pretty integral to the plot at this point.

  And unless I want to throw away, well, pretty much all of chapter 5, I can't really change it.

  No, that would destroy the outline for everything afterwards, too... ahh... dang. I'll think about it, but I'm not really coming up with much. :(

}     He nodded in understanding, flashing her a quick grin before rising } into the air, guided by Tsunami's voice. "They are east of you, Ranma, } some distance, but you should be able to tell the place when you see it."

"recognize the place", perhaps?

  Will adjust.

}     The answer that came back was somewhat hesitant. "I... asked } Saryu-oh for help, and I know the way your jewels work."

... I don't think I can come up with a perverted comment to
top that, you know.

  My take on how the original OAV could have been translated when I first watched it dubbed, in high school...

}     Snorting, he dodged past her next attack, a perfectly placed elbow } strike slamming into the back of her neck as she slipped past him, } sending her sprawling. Pulling herself to her feet, she eyed the man, } awaiting her in a loose, mobile stance, and spat out the dirt and gravel } from her awkward landing. "Your call. Terry the 'Lone Wolf' Bogard. Your } name?"

"Terry 'The Lone Wolf' Bogard"  (Unless his name is Terry
the Bogard, of course. ;)

  Uh... yeah, that's it. His middle name is, 'the' all lowercase! Really!

  ... will adjust.

}     Another voice broke the pair's concentration. "No, but you should } listen to your mother, and she says you're being a spoiled brat." A } newcomer landed near Terry, eyeing Ryouko warily. "Bogard-san," he } remarked, only pausing to glance at the blond man, "it's been a while. } I'll stay here, can you help Yosho for me?"

"stay here.  Can you help"  (Need a new sentence.)

  Semi-colon?

}     He perched loosely atop a weather vane, looking down at the pitted } and ruined rooftop. "What the hell?" he muttered. "You can only break } things. You can only destroy."
... This from Saotome "Mountain-smasher" Ranma?

  Pre-Mt. Pheonix -- drawing on what he said the last time in the manga I could see the chips being down for him. Vs. Kuumon. Granted, that was with the insight of the Umisen-ken, but this actually has relevance to... something that hasn't been revealed yet. Bwahahaha!

}     Righting herself and rebounding off of the surface, she leapt } upwards, bearing her energy blade. "What?"

That exclamation makes no sense to me in context, I'm afraid.

  ...

  I see no exclamation.

  And reviewing my copy of the story, I still see no exclamation.

  I'll have to guess you mean the, "What?" which, since there is no exclamation point, is a question. They _are_ still conversing, even as they fight.

  But I'll change it to, "What are you talking about?" if that'll help.

}     Ryouko sank beneath the street, leaving Ranma to plow into it, } creating a meters-wide crater limed in sharpened fragments of frozen and } icy asphalt. "Oh-HO!" Ryouko exclaimed, reappearing above Ranma. "So who } are _you_?"

"crater lined in sharpened"  (typo)

  http://www.dictionary.com/cgi-bin/dict.pl?term=limed

  Check the second defenition.

  But if the usage is so obscure even you don't get it, I will change it. :p

}     Tsunami wasn't certain when she had told Saryu-oh to send her to the } site, but she knew that she had arrived, and everyone on the street had } paused their senseless melee to look at her. She looked at both Tenchi } and Yosho sternly, crossing her arms over her chest. "What is the } meaning of this?" she asked.

TENCHI:  Well, in the Jungian philosophy, fighting is an
        external manifestation of....

TSUNAMI:     That's not what I meant.

YOSHO:         It's a pronoun used to refer to...

  Shame! You pass up grammar jokes in favor of freudian humor... and the banana references! I worry about you, boy. ;)

}     The boy overrode his grandfather. "Tsunami! Yosho is being an idiot--"

YOSHO:  Am not!  You're the stupid-head!

  Funny, that's what I say before I shoot the protocol droids in System Shock 2...

  "Hello, Sir, plese stand still, I'm here to help you..."

  "Die, stupid idiot-head!"

}     Tsunami blinked, turning to face her theoretical sibling. "Can you } tell me what is happening?"

"Theoretical sibling" doesn't sound right to me, but I'll be
damned if I could come up with a better term.

  And likely if you can't. 'Supposed' could work. Maybe even 'tenetive', though I'm less sure about that one.

}     The scientist resisted the urge to laugh, half-afraid that the } carefully restrained hysteria would break loose. "I'm much older than I } look," she assured the Amazon. "I can go for a few days without sleep } just fine."

WASHUU:  At least, that's what the pixies tell me.  Could
        you pass me more of those pills, please?

  COLOGNE: No more 'No-Doze' for you.

  WASHUU: Fine. Leave me to my Jolt.

}     Nodding slowly, the old woman stared at Washuu's screen. "That's an } interesting device... I'll trust you on this -- you feel like the type } that knows what you are doing. But what will this benefit us?"

WASHUU:  Think of the tourism!  Reaver-spotting tours!
        Postcards!  Little plushies!

  Reaver plushies. I _know_ those popped up in the void, first.

"I'm not losing."  (typo)

  Will fix. I _always_ make that darned error.

}     The darkness encroached further, the woman before him staring from a } pinpoint of light in a vast sea of black, as his hand fell away. A slow } rushing noise filled his ears, and he dimly heard his voice, slowly and } thickly, so different as to be someone else's... "Gotta protect... what } I... love..."
And ever after, his ghost haunted the restaurants of Nerima.

  Rumor has it that if you leave him dim-sum, or an okonomiyaki, he'll watch over the building for a week, and if you horribly burn things that never belonged in the kitchen in the first place, he'll still do it. But he'll moan and complain about it the whole while.

}     Ran-oh-ki winced, turning his head about and sniffing in worry. His } partner was in pain, and only getting worse.

"In" should be "a", I think. ;)

  Heh. Under _normal_ circumstances, perhaps. (I almost took this one seriously!)

}     Tsunami stared into the distance, seemingly distracted by something, } while everyone else had simply lapsed into silence, ignoring everyone. } Perhaps waiting for him to make the next move, he thought.

You really need to make clear who "he" is.  Unless Tsunami's
changed genders, that is.

  Was trying for stylism. It failed. Will adjust accordingly.

}     Yosho's eyes widened in shock. Tenchi, as Yosho had known him, was } strong of will, and not one to so casually back down from something he } had chosen to fight for. That the boy would simply throw away everything } -- his attack on Yosho, their argument, his position of superiority -- } was staggering. That he threw himself to the ground, and used the name } that he had... "Tenchi. Stop."

"Position of superiority"?  Since when?

  ...

  I have no idea. I really don't.

  Will change to 'the backing of the Emperor'

}     It galled him, churning his stomach. Tenchi remained where he was, } speaking loudly enough to be heard from his awkward position. "This one } humbly begs an answer of you, Yosho-sama."

... I am suddenly reminded of the whips'n'chains nature of
Jurai romance.  This isn't about to go yaoi on me, is it?

  I'm reasonably sure that's just fanfic convention.

  Where 'reasonably sure' means 'very hopeful', of course.

  And no. It's not about to go yaoi suddenly. It'll be gradual, and over the course of several chapters. Why do you ask?

}     Yosho blinked, trying to focus his thoughts from the frantic and } confused jumble that they had assumed with the knowledge of his } inevitable return to Jurai. He had spent hundreds of years on earth } avoiding that return. To no avail, now.

"years on Earth"  (should be capitalized)

  Sounds like a novel. Will adjust.

I'd suggest dropping the "or his own past" -- implied as is.

  Fixed.

"My father wishes me" (no capital.)

  Heh. Caught that one a moment ago.

}     Then, too, she remembered the first incident clearly from the second } instance her hand had been forced.

That's a wee bit incoherent, I think.

  Well. A little, yeah. Will reword.

"Tenchi had been dying", I think.

  Fixed.

}     Washuu grimaced, explaining, "It's not that easy. Not everyone is in } the form that Ranma and Yosho are --
"shape" or "condition", rarely "form" in this context.

  Really? Well, it's intentional as a pun, since Ranma's mostly masu. ;)

  I'll leave it as-is.

}     Pausing to gather herself, the woman explained, "Ranma-dono... had a } disagreement with Ryouko." She sighed, kneeling at Ranma's side, and } patting his head affectionately. "I'm... I am afraid that Ryouko was not } careful... and Ranma-dono has... died. He pushed himself too hard, On-- } He pushed himself too hard, Washuu-chan."

" -- he pushed himself" (no capital)

  Are you sure? It's not shifting tack midsentence, it's ending once sentence abruptly, and begining a new one.

}     "Washuu-chan?" the other woman asked, cocking her head to one side. } Cologne merely watched, wondering what knowledge she could glean from } the pair.

This is a bit strange.  The first paragraph makes it seem
like Tsunami knows about Ranma's situation, the third
implies differently.

  Well. You could read that into it, I guess, and Cologne might, too...

  But really, she's asking Washuu if she's alright, not about Ranma's condition. Hm.

  I'll think about it.

"Yeah... yeah, I did."  (Need a comma.)

  Whoops.

That last bit is awkward. I'd suggest making it just
"fighting back more than a week of".

  Bah. You people are no fun.

WASHUU:  Behold... talking mimes!

  "I AM A TALKING BOMB! I will detonate in..."

  Wait, you said MIME. Nevermind.

}     Cologne shrugged thoughtfully. "Perhaps something to eat would be in } order. Do you like ramen?"

WASHU:  Banana ramen?  No, wait, sorry, that's not my dialogue.

  This banana fixation worried me, my friend.

}     Ryouko stalked towards the young man and the two women chatting with } him before the door to the building. Washuu had said to find Ranma, and } he was _probably_ in that building, but... "Excuse me," she said, } probably a little more brusquely than she had intended. Calming herself, } she tried again, "Excuse me, do you know where 'Ranma' is?"

Why is 'Ranma' in single quotes?

  Because she's pronouncing the name. I had intended to use it to denote her unfamiliarity with him and his name.

  I'm reasonably sure I've seen it used elsewhere to good effect, I guess I didn't, though. Will remove.

}     The boy stared at her, hard, and she was unable to meet his eyes, } gazing imperiously over his shoulder. "Well," she began slowly, "I, uh, } thought you were stronger than you were."

Why is he looking over his shoulder?  Weren't they facing off?

  Well, you'll notice if you read it, that Ranma's staring at HER, and she's staring over HIS shoulder... but then, that's probably one of those, "It's obvious to me because I wrote it," things. Bleah.

  I can probably make this clearer, though.

}     He furrowed his brow, and she looked away, idly toying with the same } strand of hair again. He sighed, deciding she had opted to leave him } alone with his thoughts, and watched as a van pulled up to the compound, } the tires scraping against the sidewalk before it came to a halt.

That's an awfully... safe parking job for Seta.

  He's not thinking about it much. :)

}     Yosho blinked, and the men embraced, pounding each other on the } back. "Man," Seta commented, pushing Terry away to look at him more } clearly, "I haven't seen you since I dropped out of the circuit!" He } shook his head, stepping back and grinning. "How have you been, Terry? } Did you finally win?"

Heh.

  Based off of rumors that Seta was in some Street-Fighter-type circuit in his younger days.

}     Ranma grinned slowly. "You're on."

This was a good scene.

  But isn't anymore, because I forgot to rust-proof it! Curse me!

}     But this story writes itself, so this is what you get for now. } Please find it in your hearts to forgive me. ^_^;;;

Only if you release the next chapter soon. :P

  Or Rursus Iterum. Maybe.

Good fic.  I had much less to say about the second half of
the fic, as it was quite solid.  The Washuu/Ryoko scene was
done very well, in my opinion; it captured the complicated
relationship between the two.

  Well, I got a few complaints about that one, but hoped I could pull it off adequately. :)

  Thanks for taking the time to C&C. Now when is YOUR next fic going to come out?

Bjorn