On Fri, 21 Dec 2001, Brian Randall wrote:

	Remember, if my C&C is not helpful to you, ignore it in it's entirety. :)

	I'll at least take what you say under advisement. :)

  EVA-01 stood in the middle of Tokyo-3, about 1000 meters from the
Angel, now facing him. The black giant squinted, almost curiously, at
the purple giant.

	Woah. Which 'him'?

	'Him' would be Shinji, I guess. Yeah, not that great. This I can
change.

  "Shinji, what's--"

  "Fine. If you're going to be that way, then CHARGE!"

	Oh, this is rich. I like this bit.

	Right out of the manga, more or less. :)

  "RRRGH! Get off, get off my arm, get off getoffgetoff--" The robot's
left hand was clawing ineffectively at the Angel.

	Just one brief question -- if you explained that they weren't robots
in the prior chapter, why keep calling them that here?

	Ritsuko calls them artificial humans. To everyone else, though,
they pretty much are robots. :>

  The Evangelion made feeble efforts to disengage the Angel's grip. The
pounding kept going, and suddenly, the spike sliced straight through the
head of the robot, sending it flying across the city, landing with a
sickening crunch against a building. Blood-like fluid spouted from the
wound.

	The head, or the whole EVA?

	The entire EVA. I'll fix that.

	Telnet: EVA03.NERV.Tokyo3.gov

	... ... ... ...

	Host not found. Unable to negotiate connection.

	*snort*

  Instead, the roars of a robot filled a city.

	The repetition of the 'r' sound (forget the correct term, sorry) is a
slight detractant, here. Especially since we know they're not
robots... well. I'll let that point slide.

	Alliteration? Eh. :)

  What followed next was less a battle and more a brutal thrashing. Both
combatants were tossed around the city by punches, energy blasts, kicks,
and body slams.

	'Energy blasts'? I don't think EVA can do that... or is that a manga
element?

	The Angel's energy blasts. It's not just sitting there taking it,
you know. :)

  It leapt straight at the Angel, spinning in midair to deliver a kick
that sent it hurtling through the air, smashing through some more
buildings. Another pounce, this time to drive its fist into the Angel's
face. And another attack, and another, and another.

	midair, air (repetition)

	Ah. Can change that, yes.

  "Ever seen something that inspires a sense of wonder that overwhelms
you, sweeps you along helplessly?" asked Ritsuko, who suddenly appeared at
Misato's elbow.

  Crunch. Thud. Wham.

  "Yeah," answered Misato, faintly. "That's precisely what's happening
right now, I'm sorry to say. It isn't the nice kind of wonder."

	As that reads, Misato just elbowed Ritsuko... is that right?

	Er, no, Ritsuko appeared right next to Misato's elbow. Is this a
phrase that oblique? I know I've seen it used before.

  She nodded back once more, then turned her head to face the ceiling, and
closed her eyes to rest. He watched her for a few moments longer, before
lying back down.

	Interesting.

	Already changed this part.

concentration on his face had put off any conversation. But, one must ask,
what exactly Shinji was thinking so hard about.

	Is the comma after 'ask' in the final sentence neccessary?

	Style thing.

  "She stopped trying to kill herself then, but according to statements
from her who survived the Impact, she also stopped trying to live. She
ate barely enough to keep the both of us alive. And once I was born, she
stopped altogether. I guess she just gave up and died, then."

	'From her who' I'm guessing there a missing word here -- friends?
Family? Associates?

	D'oh! Missed that. Will fix.

  He stared hard back at her. "Ah. This must not be something you like to
talk about. Sorry."

	Lip service. The boy's a predator, I tell ya...

	Actually, he really is as sorry as he can be. Of course, how much
that is....

  Shinji smiled. She drank more beer.

	Perhaps Misato's action should be in another line? Merely stylistic,
just looks a little awkward the way it is.

	I'll think about this one.

  "--painstakingly mixed! Yes. You're just like everyone else." She
finished with an indignant sniff, then slyly glanced at him to see his
reaction.

	Beautiful.

  She laughed. She laughed, and laughed, and laughed. "Finally! Cracked
that cool exterior of yours! You know, you're kind of cute when you're not
so damn serious."

	Nice.

  But Misato could swear she saw him smile genuinely, if only for an
instant. She was certain of it.

	Perfect.

	I like it.

	Thank you. :)

  Her heart sank. You wanted someone enthusiastic, willing to train,
willing to do a good job. But this wasn't right. There was an edge. This
wasn't enthusiasm, this was battlelust. The look on his face...the kind of
smile she didn't like. Not like the one she saw after dinner--if she'd
really seen it at all.

  "...crush the next Angel. Absolutely."

  No. It frightened her.

	Nice interplat.

End chapter two.

	I'm impressed -- mind if I link you from my webpage?

	Thanks. Sure thing, go right ahead.

Andrew Huang...Shizumaru@KawaiiMUCK
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang/
NAC MAC FEEGLE!

	     .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'