Greg Housley wrote:

This is a repost, and I really need some responses here!!! Is anybody reading this? I'm hoping for some feedback to help encourage or improve my writing style, so please take the time to read, and then pretty please take the time to respond!

    And thusly I am summoned.

    Mmm. People tend to frown on that kind of thing. Keep in mind that the traffic for the FFML will be somewhat erratic compared to its norm, since a lot of people are home from their winter breaks and such.

    Note that anything I say is merely my opinion, and only that.

dis*claim  \dis-'klAm\  vb  : DENY (as in I -deny- any rights or ownership to the characters or situations herein), DISAVOW (i.e. - I -disavow- any responsibility for the creation of the material this piece of fiction is based on)--     Dis*claim*er  n : Ranma 1/2 is the sole creation of Rumiko Takahashi and her creation is used/misused/abused without permission. The rights of Ranma 1/2 belong to Mrs. Takahashi and Viz Video, of which I'm intentionally infringing on. ~~~~ I'm poor, and extremely bored, also I'm a big fan so don't sue me, else I may have to cause you bodily harm. Ahem anyway.... Sorry I hate disclaimers...

    Heh. Clever.

~the seprent's proposal~

Chapter one: ~The Presence~



         School had finally let out at Furinkan and Ranma couldn't help but idly wonder, as he walked casually balanced atop the fence on his way home, how he would spend this school break.

    Smooth, but not actually a great hook. Not that every opener _has_ to bee a hook.

         Akane walked just beneath him to the side, in her own quiet thoughts, pointedly avoiding eye contact with Ranma whom in turn seemed to be mimicking this gesture with minimal difficulties. She was still angry with him from his earlier comment that she should invent martial arts food poisoning after trying repeatively to feed him some lunch she had prepared. Of course her anger wasn't quite as bad as it had been after she had then proceeded to give him a black eye. She could still see him, out of the corner of her eye, dabbing at the purple tender flesh that had swollen around his eye. It almost caused her to smirk, though she forced herself to be content with the smile she held on the inside for now.

    Mmm. Bit wordy, maybe?

         Ranma for his part, was roused from his thoughts when he noticed a repressed smile from Akane form under the mask of anger she was trying hard to hold. It caused him to bite down on his lower lip. What an uncute tomboy she was, he thought. She actually seemed to enjoy the fact that she had hit him. What in the world could cause someone to make deadly toxic food, and then beat someone for not wanting to eat it, how stupid could she possibly be? He sniffed loudly when he caught her eyes drift over to him again, and proceeded to hop down from the fence and without even a note of ackowledgement proceeded to walk in the opposite direction.

    Repetition -- proceeded

         Akane, slightly caught of guard, turned to watch him leave, her forced mask of anger now a look of puzzlement. She almost called to him but grew angry at the idea of letting him get to her. Let him do whatever he wants, she thought bitterly.

    Interesting.

         "What now Ryoga?" Ranma asked flatly having had this drill a thousand times before.

    Commage, both in dialoge and prose.

         "What now?" He asked incredilously as he began to throw a barrage of punches that Ranma easily blocked. "How dare you mock Akane!"

    ... Uh... okay.

         Ranma, realizing Ryoga's reference was to his earlier comment about her cooking, felt his anger begin to surge. "For someone who's as eternally lost as you are, how the hell is it that you always seem to know what Akane and I are doing, P-chan?"  He taunted.

    Yeah.

         "You shut up!" Ryoga roared. "I'd die if Akane tried to feed me her homecooking!"

    Actually, Ryouga can stomach it.

         "You know what I mean!" Ryoga stopped his attack to square off with Ranma in the park they had found in the midst of their battle. "For what you said to Akane, I'm gonna beat the hell out of you Ranma." He spoke cooly.

    Ranma." He -- Ranma," he (?)

         "DIE!!!" Ryoga cried out as he bounded at full speed at Ranma, dipped down just beneath him, and sent out an explosion of rubble with his breaking point. Ranma leaped up only a fraction sooner than the blast and rebounded off a nearby oak tree sending several furious punches into Ryoga's chest with his chestnut fist. Ryoga rolled onto his back using his legs to kick Ranma into the air. Leaping back to his feet, he managed to meet Ranma where he land and attempted to punch him in the face. Ranma swept under the punch and rotated his leg sweeping Ryoga's feet out from underneath him. Using the momentum of the sweep, Ryoga pulled his arms and legs in tight and rolled backwards in the air initiating a perfect backflip. Ranma, wasting no time hurled into Ryoga with a flurry of punches and kicks forcing Ryoga to take the defensive as he staggered backwards from the onslaught. Finally Ranma managed to back Ryoga into a tree but he didn't count on him acting so quickly and payed for it with a severe blow to the gut. Leaping backward with several backflips Ranma came to a silent stand off against Ryoga as each measured his opponent in hopes for an opening. Ranma began to feel his arm hairs prick up as Ryoga's ki level began to soar.

    1: Commage.

    2: That is one big paragraph.

         Changing tactics Ranma began to leap through the trees to find more certain ground. Ryoga gave a close chase by ground as he played target practice with Ranma's agile form. Finding a nice clearing Ranma jumped down from the trees and back onto the ground only to have to dodge three more ki attackes.

    Commage.

         "Why you!!!" Ranma found just enough time to bring his confidence up another notch and began to swiftly meet each of Ryoga's ki balls with his own canceling each one out. Ryoga sensing the defeat in this tactic, halted his attack and felt his depression sink lower as he geared up for his next one. Ranma could feel the hair on the back of his neck now as he watched Ryoga surround himself with a menacing blue glow. "Oh shit..." Was all the thought Ranma had time for, before a gigantic heavy blue ki lashed upward into the sky from Ryoga. The pressure from all about Ranma began to increase to agonizing amounts as the ki attack began to peak, and out of a fit of desperation he had an idea surface.

    Commage.

    'antagonizing' amounts of ki?

         Ranma sent a chilled upward punch into the heavy laden ki, forcing the ki to disperse into a depression ki tornado. Ranma bounded back in time to see the highly pressurized ki twister sweep Ryoga up and begin to crush him from all sides. Ryoga let out a startled yell as he felt his body being crushed to death.

    Wouldn't the funnel be oblique if he had done that? And if so, Ryouga would be riding up, where ti widened, so it wouldn't crush him... would it?

         Ranma stared in horror at the results of his counter-attack, and hurriedly tried to think of a way to quickly save Ryoga.

    'hurriedly' and 'quickly' in the same sentence.

         "Nice ki wave you got there Ranma." He heard a familiar voice comment flatly. Ranma shot an evil look at the panty looting old freak Happosai, as he stared from Ranma's side at the crushing tornado rampaging through the central most part of the park. Trees began to uproot themselves as the tornado began to build momentum, and suddenly Ranma figured it out. Quickly snatching the old man's panty loot Ranma tossed it as hard as he could into the crushing blue ki twister. "HEY WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU"RE DOING!!!" The old man screamed as he ran at amazing speeds into the tornado.

    Ranma." He -- Ranma," he (?)

    Not exactly a bad plan.

         "RANMA I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" He screamed out above the loud thundering of the twister. A large Ki built from anger and perversion,

    Ki -- ki

         Still, he decided to leave the old man where he was, he was pretty sure, despite his martial arts abilities, he didn't want to be anywhere near the old man when he shook off his daze.

    And surrounded by his precious darlings, of course...

         With only a moments more thought on the situation he decided to continue towards his originally intended destination. He shifted Ryoga onto his back and carried him piggy-back style, Ranma couldn't help but snicker at the pun, to Dr. Tofu's clinic.

    moments -- moment's

         The journey in turn wasn't long and went without any other further interruptions. He reached Dr. Tofu's at a quarter to five and was greeted by a rather surprised Tofu. "Ranma how are you doing, it's been a while! Whoa that's a nice shiner you have there." Ranma flushed with renewed anger having completely forgotten about the black eye.

    Commage.

         "Yeah well thats part of the reason I'm over here doc."

    Commage.

         "Oh? You and Akane been fighting again Ranma, or was it with that boy you have draped over your back?"

    Commage.

         "well it's a little of both actually. I came to get the eye examined but this idiot jumped me and I was forced to give em a beatin. Ya give both of us a look?"

    beatin. -- beatin'. (suggested)

         "Sure, set him over here on the examining table." Tofu instructed and Ranma was quick to comply. It wasn't long before Tofu had Ryoga down to a pair of boxers and was giving him a thorough examination. "This is amazing Ranma, I've never seen anything like it before!" Tofu declared. "It's simply horrible where did you learn a technique like this?"

    table." Tofu -- table," Tofu

    Commage.

         "Hryu Shoten Ha, Ranma? You've mastered that technique?"

    As a note, shouldn't that be 'hiryu'? As in, 'flying dragon'?

         "Yes precisely. And you've somehow managed to inflict multiple bruises all over his body."

    Bruises? No big deal...

         "With time and rest, yes, I'm sure he'll make a full recovery, he just needs to take it easy for a while and take this tonic once a day." Tofu produced a small vile from underneath one of his cabinets and handed it to Ranma. "This should help his ki heal faster." Ranma accepted the medicine graciously and pocketed it while Dr. Tofu began to reclothe Ryoga "Have him take only a couple drops by mouth from the vile everyday until it's gone, the lid also serves as a dropper so try and get a fairly accurate dosage, okay?"

    vile -- vial

         "Sure, thanks doc."

    doc -- Doc (?)

         "Now, about you, have a seat over here." Ranma obediently seated himself at the indicated table and Tofu began to feel up his torso and abdomen area. "You have an incredible resilience." He commented as he felt through the more painful areas of where Ryoga had managed to get in a few good blows, "Though not as good as his I might add." He seemed so involved in his examination the idle chat almost seemed completely seperate from his line of thought. "Had it been you in that repelling blast of yours I'm not so sure that you would have faired quite so well." Ranma shuddered at the thought. "You seem to be alright enough, Ranma, I'd just suggest that you get some ice on that black eye of yours and take it easy for the rest of the evening.

    faired -- fared

         "Not a problem Ranma, I've always felt a certain responsibility toward you and Akane, you two kinda remind me of myself when I was young and training hard. Now I'm going to go make me some dinner so I'm leaving Ryoga here's care to you. Make sure you give him some of those drops before the nights out, and two more tommorow and so on, okay?"

    nights -- night's

         "Oh Ranma one more thing!" Dr. Tofu called as Ranma snatched up Ryoga and began to head out the door.

    Commage.

         "Alright doc," Ranma agreed. "Though I'll probably end up having to walk him here," He added wryly as he made his way out the door.

    Is Ranma divinity? If not, then He -- he

         The trip back proved to be rather peaceful, with the sun just starting to sink below the horizon and the sky begining to come ablaze in colors of reds oranges, and pinks. It all felt nice for a change, no problems no worry's save the baka draped across his back. Ranma simply took his time enjoying the moment, trying hard not to think about Akane and how she was sure to react when she saw Ryoga unconscious. It was bad enough that she was still mad about his earlier comment on her food, he didn't need her hastling him on Ryoga as well. It was -his- fault after-all, not Ranma's. Stupid senseless baka!

    worry's -- worries

         Slowly, steadily, he began to resume his walk home gingerly picking up his pace every few steps. The thing that stood just beyond his wall of senses began to match his pace just as he was sure it would.

    Commage.

         He tried hard to get a fix on it but was interupted by a passing van as it splashed water from a puddle in the road onto him and his charge. His stalker momentarily forgotten Ranma began to curse under her breathe as she turned around to snatch up the fallen piglet from the sidewalk. "Aww geez, now what?" she groaned as she held the piglet out at arms length. "I can't take you home like this! If I bring Akane's precious -P-chan-" Ranma-chan spat the name bitterly. "home like this, she'll kill me for sure!" She let a defeated sigh escape her lips when she suddenly remembered her follower. It was gone!

    Commage.

         "Er well, actually I just stopped in to see if I could get some hot water, I uh don't really have time to visit, I'm pretty beat." It was easy to see Ukyo's excitement deflate but she simply shrugged.

    Commage.

         "Sure Sugar, I was just warming some up in the back for my cooking, you can have that if you want, though theres not much. I'm a little busy myself so you'll have to get it yourself."

    Commage.

         "Uh yeah sure, thanks Ukyo!"

    Com....

    You get the idea.

         "Yeah, he's gonna be staying here a while if you guy's don't mind."

    guy's -- guys

         "Not at all Ranma, we'd love to have him over. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes."

    Kasumi: We're having pork chops. I think Ryouga can help me in the kitchen.

    Ranma: ... Right. Um. I'm going to go to the Nekohanten...

         Once Ranma reached her room she found an extra futon and layed it out to set Ryoga down on. She produced the small vile that Dr. Tofu had givin her and twisted the cap off. Careful not to suck up too much medicine with the dropper Ranma gently pulled open Ryogas mouth and counted two drops before she screwed the cap back on and repocketed it.

    vile -- vial

         "No, too powerful, it's....too powerful!" Ryoga moaned from out of his slumber. Ranma stood up and turned out the lights as she walked out and shut the door behind her. She felt pretty bad about the whole mess, but wasn't sure how to make of things yet.

    how to make -- what to make (?)

         "Dinners ready!" Kasumi called. Ranma's ears perked up at this, she hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast due to Akane trying to force her homemade toxin down her throat all lunch period. Quickly she bounded down the stairs and into the dining room to take her seat at the table.

    Dinner -- Dinner's  -- But for Kasumi, would she say the entire thing?

        "You're right Tendo, how could we be so foolish to -fill ourselves up- so soon before your two wonderful daughters brought out such delicious looking dishes they must have worked so hard on." The two men gave sheepish apologetic laughs at each other.

    sheepish -- sheepish and -- sheepishly (?)

         "Ranma!.." Akane threatened.

    The trailing periods are extraneous, I think.

         "If you want me to try it Ranma I'll try it!" Akane challenged.

    ...

         "Oh my." Was all Kasumi could say as she watched the turmoil unfold before her.

    my." Was -- my," was

         "AHHH No NOOOO!" A scream came from Ranma's room as she swept past the door. She came to a quick halt and poked her head through the cracked opening. "It's crushing me!"

    Hmm.

         "I feel fine," He replied. "That was some trick you pulled earlier, Ranma. I felt like I was gonna die."

    He -- he

         "The doc said that the depression tornado somehow ripped your natural aura or outer ki er somethin. Something to do with your ki. He gave me this medicine to give you." Ranma finished by fishing out the vile from her pockets. Ryoga took it and looked it over.

    vile -- vial

         Ryoga handed the vile back. "You better keep it, I'll probably end up losing it." Ranma took the small bottle back and slipped it back in her pocket. She lifted herself off the roof and began to walk off.

    vile -- vial (lather, rinse, repeat)

         It wasn't long before the two had made their way back into the house and passed out on their futon's.

    futon's -- futons

The next day started as usual... Sorta...


         "Comon boy, wake up! It's the start of a new day, and as a martial artist it's important you don't sleep it away!" Genma yelled at the sleeping female form of his son. "Comon, Ranma! It's bright and early, why just look out the window boy, the day is practically screaming with possibilities!" Genma heard the door behind him slide open as three sleepy-eyed figures blinked at him from the hallway.

    Extra newline? Missing scene divider?

         "Gwha wha what the hell do you think you're doing. pop?!!" He screamed as he leaped to his feet.

    . pop? -- , Pop?

         "Shhhhh~, boy don't wanna wake the rest of the house-hold."

    boy -- Boy,

         "Yeah yeah, frought with peril, I've heard this a thousand times, so whats it got to do with -me- gettin up at four in the mornin huh?"

    frought -- fraught

         "Whatever pop, I'm up now, so I'll see you in the back at the pond if you're still serious about this."

    pop -- Pop

         "A chance counterattack that nearly killed Ryoga from my understanding of it." said Genma. Ranma grunted. "Which tells me one thing Ranma!" His voice raised as he reached his point. "I've focused too much time on skill and strength with you and not enough on discipline!"

    it." said -- it," said

         "Try nothing on discipline pop," Ranma retortred flatly. "Running me all over japan, selling me off when you were hungry, then stealing me back. Engaging me to whoever felt right at the time. Not to mention knocking me into a spring that totally altered any notions I may have had at leading a normal life."

    pop -- Pop (Lather, rinse... you know the drill.)

    japan -- Japan

    That's pretty articulate for Ranma.

         "What'd you say!" Ranma warned.

    Doesn't sound like a warning.

         "You heard me boy, why you didn't even bother to become a boy before you went to bed last night! I've even seen you galavanting around in girls clothing too! Thinking of ending your engagement with akane for Ryoga?" Genma taunted.

    Ugh.

    me boy, -- me, Boy,
    girls -- girls'
    akane -- Akane

         "Where are you going?" She asked puzzled.

    She -- she

         "I'll come with you." She offered helpfully.

    She -- she

        "Have some breakfast Akane." Kasumi beamed.

    breakfast Akane -- breakfast, Akane

        He began to follow the property damage along their course straying only once or twice when the damage was far enough apart to not immediately pick up on, which was rare. Ryoga was apparently -very- unhappy at getting lost. Ranma could sympathize. Ryoga had probably gotten lost looking for the bathroom and was now walking aimlessly over japan without breakfast or a toilet. Poor guy.

    japan -- Japan

         It wasn't until he felt himself get drenched that she realized where she was. She glowered at the old bat who seemed to take a secret glee at hosing down the local cursed populace and wondered silently how it was that a ninety plus woman with squinty eyes and nothing but a bucket and spoon could get the best of every martial artist in the area. dismissing the matter she realized suddenly that Ryoga's trail was gone, and then realized why. "Oh that's just great!" She found herself yelling, and then proceeded to gather Ryoga's clothing where it was bunched up and soaked on the sidewalk. "It's gonna be twice as difficult to find him now!!"

    Wasn't Ranma still a girl from that morning?

         She hung her head in defeat yet couldn't bring herself to give up. She took only several steps before she felt ~it~ again. The presence. The feeling she had gotten earlier yesterday just after her fight with Ryoga. Something was watching her she was sure. What was odd she realized was that this thing must've seen her transform twice now. It seemed to dissappear yesterday after she transformed then and now seemed to reappear after it happened again. She wasn't sure how this connected, but felt that it must. Shrugging off the feeling she resumed her search of the lost piglet making sure to make careful note of any changes in the presence that seemed to hover about her without making itself known.

    'only several'. Clumsy.

         She wasn't sure -how- she was going to find the idiot now that he was a pig, but she knew she had too, since he was her responsibilty until he healed properly. A fat lot of resting he's doing, walking all over japan, she thought bitterly.

    japan -- Japan (Lather... you know the drill.)

         "Yeah I think it is." another confirmed.

    is." another -- is," another

         "Hey Ranma!" The first voice called out. Ranma turned at her name to see two of Akane's friends Yuka And Sayuri, running to her.

    friends Yuka And Sayuri -- friends, Yuka and Sayuri (capitalization, commage)

         "You really ought to keep him on a leash." said Sayuri.

    leash." Said -- leash," said

         "Yeah we see him wandering around a lot!" Added Yuka.

    lot!" Added -- lot!" added

         "A leash huh?" Ranma-chan mused holding the pig up at eye-level. P-chan for his part tried to bite Ranma in the nose.

    'in' the nose or 'on' the nose?

         Ranma picked herself off the ground mumbling inaudibly for her own benefit as she watched Akane continue her jog down the street. She remembered ryoga and managed a shrug. At least this way he won't get lost, she mused.

    ryouga -- Ryouga

         As she continued her walk back to the dojo she found her thoughts would keep drifting back to that presense. Twice now it had appeared suddenly. Then, Suddenly it would dissappear. She was pretty sure it was nobody she knew. No, if it was, they wouldn't waste their time poking around. They'd simply do whatever it was they were going to do. Not hang around just out of sight and try to spook her. The thought occured to her again about whether Ryoga had felt it too, and decided to ask him about it later.

    Suddenly -- suddenly

         "Nihao, Ranma!" Ranma had only enough time for a quick shudder before she felt a harsh imapct and then a tight embrace. "Ranma date with Shampoo today, yes?"

    Shudder?

         "S-Shampoo, Hey leggo!" She protested but unfortunately her protest fell on deaf ears.

    She -- she

         "All Shampoo need do is finish delivery for great grandmother and then her and Ranma go on date!"

    Not 'Airen'?

         "That's not funny, Ranma!" Mousse yelled. "I'll make you pay for stealing Shampoo's He~~art." He screamed as he made a lunge for Ranma, which Ranma simply avoided by hopping off Mousses head sending him into the dirt. Mousse hit the ground with a gasp and quickly leaped back to his feet. "That's it, I've had enough!" He shouted, pointing straight at his adversary. "Now I'm going to make you suffer." Shampoo watched Mousse through narrowed eyes as he made threatening gestures at her. "Now DIE!!!" Mousse charged at his opponent and found a bombori firmly planted on his head for his effort.

    He~ -- he~

         "Stupid Mousse, next time you wear glasses." Mousse leaped up again    and glomped onto Ranma-chan.

    again ~ and (check spacing)

         "Really really Mousse, We go make many babies, Hiya!!!" Ranma began laying it on thick, and found herself laying face down on the pavement for the second time that day.

    We -- we

         She looked down at Mousse, unconscious and face down in the dirt, and sighed. "Why are things always like this?" She muttered, and with a slight shrug she continued on her way home.

    this?" She -- this?" she

         When at last Ranma woke up she stood herself up in the tub and began to wipe down with a dry towel. Quickly reclothing herself she couldn't help but notice how refreshed she felt after that afternoon doze. She casually stepped out of the bathroom and paced herself down the stairs humming softly a sweet tune as she approached the kitchen.

    'she'? Sounds like a dream sequence.

         Kasumi was busy with an early start on dinner and steadily working on chopping at a bit of vegetables. When she looked up to see Ranma she smiled cheerfully. "Afternoon little sis," She beamed at Ranma. Ranma smiled back.

    sis," She -- sis," She

         "Alright thanks!" Ranma walked to the back den where at the door leading out to the dojo, a small cat paced back in forth rubbing at the wall. Ranma scooped the cat up and nudge it's nose with a friendly smile. "Does little Akane want outside?" She asked in a childs voice, and giggled at the small mew she recieved in response.

    childs -- child's

         It was only several feet to the dojo but Ranma took her time breathing in the fresh air and enjoying the fragrance of the afternoon blooms as they spread in varying colors all about the many gardens planted around the rim of the house and dojo. As she reached the dojo she peered through the window and caught sight of the two sparring martial artist.

    'only several'. Clumsy.

         "Spying on Ryoga again lil sis?" She teased. "I swear Ranma you're just like a little school girl." With that anology Nabiki left a blushing yet inarguative Ranma to herself, and proceeded to slip in through the back door. Ranma-chan sighed, and then pushed herself in through the door to the dojo.

    sis?" She -- sis?" she (You know the drill.)

         "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" The loud scream echoed throughout the walls of the household as Ranma thrust herself up to a sitting postion in her bath water. She sat silently gasping for air as she tried in vain to calm her heart which beat so hard it hurt. She could hear running footsteps outside the door.

    I skimmed through the rest of the dream sequence, I'm afraid. Was a tad predictable. :/

         Akane approached the furo skeptically and leaned in to test the water. "That's because the waters cold you moron!" She stated bitterly. "Ranma did you go to sleep in the bath again? Honestly, and you wonder why the waters gone cold! How long were you in here?"

    waters -- water's

         Akane spun around on her heels. "Honestly! Putting such a scare into the entire family over some stupid dream! I don't -even- want to know what it was about!" Ranma looked over as the family one by one followed Akanes lead out and gave a sheepish smile as they did. She felt her face warm as she began to blush profusely.

    Akanes -- Akane's

         They squared of again, but this time Ryoga and Genma took opposite sides forcing Ranma to divide her attention. She smiled in spite of herself, was this the best they could think of? Still, it was a start. She was curious to see how this played out. After-all she was starting to enjoy this. In the last moments before the next attack she realized that in this sandwich-like attack she could be caught from a crouch -or- a jump. Options began to play out in her head as she heard the first rustle of grass. Their footsteps began to fall faster and faster as she tried to figure out from their form, what they intended. She realized she need to go up. -Way- up. It was a quick plan to throw them off and get clear of this sandwich attack once in for all. Just as the very air began to part before her, sending a speeding fist into her face an idea hit her first, and she wasted no time. Aiming her arms at the ground she performed a mokotakabisha while leaping straight up. The added boost lifted her clear of the two approaching martial artist only hundredth's of a second before feeling their attack. As had happened last, Ryoga leapt after but without the added boost Ranma had used he fell short from any contact and watched as she came down several hundred feet from him. Genma was quick to Ranma as she touched the ground and laid into her with a fierce and calculated attack. Jabbing, and punching as he forced Ranma back. Ranma was able to block the majority of his blows but the suddeness of his attack had caught her off-guard enough to slip in a couple of punches, one directly to her face. Her head snapped back and her knees buckled as the severity of the blow knocked her to the ground. Genma tried to stomp at her but she managed to roll from his kick and catch him by the foot pulling it out from under him. He hit the ground just as Ryoga managed to arrive and dive at Ranma with two outstretched fingers. "Bakusai Tenketsu!" He yelled as the breaking point errupted just beside Ranma's head, sending a pile of rock and debris into the air, Ranma's face catching the brunt of the force. The blow did, however manage to jolt Ranma up enough to catch her footing and kick Ryoga straight into the gut where he had fallen from the blast.

    That's a lot of paragraph.

         "Had enough, boy?" She herad her father question behind her crumpled form. She was forced to smile. Idiot, she thought. I'll show him! I'll show him -AND- Ryoga.

    boy -- Boy (when used as a proper name. You know the drill.)

    herad -- heard

         Wearily she stood up and for the first time she tasted the metallic taste of blood fill her mouth. She smiled again and could feel her ki level rise. The two martial artist waited, each a measure of patience as they waited for the battle to resume.

    repetition -- taste

         She had never truly realized it before, but upon reflection she could see that she had always enjoyed these sort of battles. The battle against Herb. The battle against Saffron, and Pantyhose Taro. The battles that truly tested her limits were the ones she lived for, they -were- her. The feeling must have escaped her each time she faught such powerful duels because of Akane. It seemed most of the time she -ever- had any real opponent to battle it was to protect Akane. In this sense of needing to protect she lost some of the flavor that she would have otherwise have savored in such crucial battles.

    Right, this is after volume 38...

    So Akari, must have been hit by that 'fall off the face of the Earth' syndrome she develops so often.

    Poor girl.

         The metallicy taste welled up in her mouth again, and she wondered if there was any internal damage. She spit the bloody substance again, and let her ki rise even more. She was going to give them the beating of their lives.

    metallicy -- metallic

         Ryoga smacked his fore-head. "What kind of attack is that?!!" He screamed.

    fore-head -- forehead

         Akane looked after for a moment silently hoping Ryoga would be all right.

    So... Ranma gets attacked by Ryouga, defends himself, and then takes care of Ryouga.

    Akane labels this Ranma picking on Ryouga.

    Ranma beats Ryouga within an inch of his life while Akane's actually _watching_, and she seems completely unconcerned, outside of Ranma taking him to see Tofu.
    The way the rest of this has been going, I'd sooner have expected her to insist on taking Ryouga there herself and tell Ranma to get lost.

         Ranma raced across the rooftops with the lost boy drapped across her back for the second time. She felt a tinge of guilt at his situation. If she hadn't pulled that counter-attack yesterday this wouldn't have happened, she kept thinking. Ryoga moaned something incoherrent in her ears and she tried her best at soothing tones. "It'll be alright Ryoga," she said. "We're almost there! I know Doc Tofu can help!"

    drapped -- draped

         She sailed over the last building landing with in-human ease onto the pavem ent just outside Dr. Tofu's clinic and raced for the entrance. "Please be here, please be here, please be here!" She chanted silently to herself as she reached the front doors. It was to her relief when the front doors swung open with minimal effort.

    in-human -- inhuman
    pavem ent -- pavement

         "I think it was working fine doc, and no he's unconscious -again-. You see we were having another friendly spar-" Dr. Tofu noticed Ranma's slouch and poked her in the ribs."

    ribs." -- ribs.

         "Friendly spar huh?" He asked humorlessly.

    huh?" He -- huh?" he (etc.)

         "I'll be fine doc, just tell me what's wrong with Ryoga?"

    doc -- Doc (etc.)

         Ranma dug through her pockets and produced the small vile, and handed it to Dr. Tofu who took the vile and stuck it on a shelf. "I'm afraid this won't be much good anymore," He stated as he began reading through the labels of a collection of bottles gathered in his bottom cupboard. "Ah here we go," He said as he pulled another vile out and blew the dust from it. "This is a special chinese herb that works soley on someones ki, it's much more potent than that other medication, and much more rare. You'll need to give this to him twice a day for five days, the rest of the healing will have to come from him. Till then he needs to avoid all forms of fighting of any kind. Any exertion of his ki can further his condition, and possibly cause irreperable damage? Do you understand me, Ranma?" Dr. Tofu asked seriously. Ranma nodded. "Now I mean this, this isn't a game, if he tries this move of his again until he's completely healed, he could kill himself. Any other form of fighting could cause permanent damage to his ki, and if he uses his ki for any extended amount of time this could also kill him. You have to understand that this is extremely important."

    chinese -- Chinese (etc.)

         "Pretty bad, you're ki is severely torn and if you don't restrain yourself from fighting for at least a couple of weeks you could die."

    you're -- your

         "You've fractured two of your ribs, this is also a serious injury, though not as serious as Ryoga's, you'll still need to restain yourself from fighting for a while or risk crippling yourself. You'll also need to wear a brace."

    Didn't he already mention the need for a brace?

         "That stupid tom-boy, what would I care what she thought?!" Ranma retorted quickly, not at all convincingly.

    tom-boy -- tomboy

         "Sit down Ranma, dinner is Ready," Kasumi invited.

    Ready -- ready

         "I didn't feel like waiting two weeks." Ranma responded.

    weeks." Ranma -- weeks," Ranma

end chapter one.

Well thats chapter one, what did you think? I'm really anxious for any sort of feed-back so please don't hesitate to write me. If you actually liked this, and are curious where I'm taking it, the more responses I recieve determines the pace of my next chapter so PLEASE RESPOND!! Any help anyone is willing to provide for personal pre-reading is also appreciated, as I feel I need to improve my writing style. so just hit the ol' reply button and let me know your thoughts!

    I can't really see where it's going.

    Other than a small number of reccuring errors, it looks okay, though the story thus-far isn't really my cup of tea...

-Greg-