I was going to reply to this earlier, but it got drowned out in an earlier deluge of email. ^^;
First of the general comments: Even with the spoilers and stuff, this seems more like just another take of the first episode of NGE... really, the references I made seem more like spoilers in this fic than you did. ^^;
ffml-bounce@anifics.com wrote:
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O-kay... Anoo, Gater's-san? What's this for? oo;
************************************************
Title: Upon Bladed Wings
Author: Jonathan "Katarn" Gaters
E-mail: KatarnX2B@NetZero.net
HP: http://members.nbci.com/katarnx2b/
Genre: Action, Drama
Part: Prologue
************************************************
*****WARNING****WARNING****WARNING****WARNING****WARNING****WARNING*****
Contains spoilers for much of the series, as well as graphic, violent,
and adult content. Rated PG-13. You may now finish skipping this.
*****WARNING****WARNING****WARNING****WARNING****WARNING****WARNING*****
Really? After half-reading and skimming through it, It seems more like a retake of the first episode more than anything else. Well, if you're talking about the 'Shinji"' one... I really don't think he's much of a spoiler either unless you explain outright what he is.
Come to think of it, 'Shinji"' seems more like a makeshift schizo prose... well, he didn't even seem that schizo... he's more like Shinji simply scolding himself for his second nature wussiness and all. ^^;
All thoughts are in script format. A name with a " or ' after it
is another aspect of that person's personality they're conversing with.
Just trying new styles out.
All good... but I have to comment on the little glitches in formatting here that needlessly distracts to the story.
Misato growled and sent the car swerving from one side of the
road to the next. "I'M NOT A SECRETARY!! I'M A CAPTAIN IN THE UN FORCES
AND HEAD OF THE TACTICAL OPERATION AND PLANNING DEPARTMENT OF THE
SPECIAL ORGANIZATION NERV!!!"
(sigh) No wonder third impact happened. ;P
Shinji: I wonder if I got in a car with a schitzo?
Shinji": Of course you did!
Shinji: I meant another one.
Shinji": I don't know... You're on your own for this one.
Shinji: A lot of help you are!
Shinji": Hey, if you need to do something insane or violent, I'll be
right there!
Shinji: Where else would you be?
Shinji': Good point.
Oh. Three of 'em. Ok... you win... he's a schizo here.
Shinji peered through the refractive lenses, his gaze sweeping
the horizon. All Shinji could see was mountains, the trail of
destruction left by the "Angel", the afore mentioned Angel, and nothing
else. Of course, there was that immense, orange and white robot that
just emerged from the ground; can't forget that!
"What is that?" Shinji queried.
"That's Unit-Zero."
Okay... somehow I don't remember Unit-Zero in the first ep. Altaverse?
"And I guess that's what you plan on attacking that 'Angel'
with, right?"
"You catch on quick!" that annoyingly sweet voice again.
said the annoyingly sweet voice.
Or something else... dunno what you're trying to accomplish there.
Shinji was planning on "discussing" that little action with
Misato (now that they were out of the car)
I don't think you'd be needing that (), IMO.
"FUCK!" screamed Shinji with what little breath remained in his
lungs. "That was an en-two mine!"
Shinji: Lookit me, I'm the 'manga' Shinji!
Shinji': That'd be me.
Shinji": And who am I?
Shinji: You're the gay one that fell for <spoiler>.
Shinji': Save Her.
Shinji: I can't.
Shinji": Fight.
Shinji: I won't.
Shinji': Help her. She needs you.
Shinji: But... my father...
Shinji: Tasukete... tasukete... taskete onigai!!!
Shinji': Wuss.
"Poor Shinji," said the tech beside Ritsuko.
"Don't say that." Ritsuko replied with a cold voice. "That's not
Shinji anymore. He's *fallen*..."
Ok... further on general comments...
The whole thing seemed more like a setup and retake of the entire first ep... spoilers within are more on those who never watched the first eps rather than those who were already familiar with EVA (really, the first ep is something most of the EVA community is already familiar with really).
So that's it... it's a retake of the first ep of EVA. For EVA fans who's already familiar with it, the schizo effect, IMO, isn't much of a lead-in for most said EVA fans. It's something they're very familiar with from the start... what's so _different_ about this fic that'll lead them in to read it and not think this as a rehash of the first anime episode in pseudo-script and prose form.
I'm not quite exactly sure what your premise it yet... what this schizo Shinji is capable of, or what is his impact as this fic further pans out. It has potential... all you need is to draw out that potential so that it'll pique the reader's interest enough to read on. You've partly succeeded... I'm interested how you'll be able to pan this out and revise this enough to render it great enough. ^^ In other words, a fic with potential, all it needs is some spit and polish... cheers!
Abra Cadabra
[Let it be done] - Arabic
Don't mind the numbers at the top. I just put those there to keep it
within 72 ASCII character spaces.
^^; That answers one of my questions.
Ja!
Abdiel
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