And here we go with the next section....

Disruptor <mathews1@gte.net> wrote:

	Ranma looked at the mirrors and saw past events.  Each event was
pefectly displayed and were of the emotionally painful kind.  As she

perfectly

proceeded, more past events were displayed.  They became more and more
emotionaly painful.  Ranma collapsed to her knees and kept crawling

emotionally

forwards.

This description is not only repetitive ("emotionally painful" twice in
a row) but it fails to convey any actual emotion. Effectively, you're
saying to the readers "This is an emotional scene! Really, it is!" But
just telling us that doesn't do anything to make us *feel* the emotions.
Give us some emotionally-charged descriptions of the thoughts that these
events bring to his mind.

	Ranma reached the door and gasped.  She did her best to keep the tears

>from falling from the emotional torture the mirrors had provided.  After

a moment, she stood up and opened the door.  The next room had four
doors.  Ranma stepped into the room and the door behind him shut.  As it
did so, the other three doors opened up.

HAZID: Stop this! Stop this sacrilege at once!

RANMA: What?

HAZID: DOORS! Jim Morrison, you... you pretender to the throne!

RANMA: Oh, brother.

You use "him" for female Ranma here, while you've used "her" every other
time. While I personally favor "him," it's probably more important to be
consistent.

	"What now?  Which way do I go?"  Ranma asked herself.

	The genie looked at each of the open dooways and tried to figure out

doorways

which one was the right one.  She looked back at the doors she came
through and saw writing on it.   Quickly, Ranma made her way to the
inscription and read it aloud.

	"Choose and proceed.  What does it mean by that/  There's no clue
here."

SOUN: It's simple. Choose the one you want. The daughter behind it will
be your fiancee.

RANMA: Maybe I'll just trade for what's behind the curtain.

BEHIND CURTAIN: OHOHOHO! Ranma, darling!

RANMA: On second thought....

	A strange greenish glow emenated throughout the room. Wthat and with

emanated

With that, and

the mirrors little game still fresh in her mind, Ranma realized

mirrors'	(plural possessive)

	"Face truths about myself and others?  Right," Ranma said panting, as

said, panting as

	Looking around she saw other displays.  Each display showed a piece of
Happosai's history.  But with each appearance, another scen was shown.

scene

	"I get it.  Each event happened at the same time."

	One display showed Genma baptising baby Pantyhose, with that there was

baptizing

Happosai did that, not Genma. (I think you knew that and just wrote down
the wrong name.)

	Happosai was busy training two small girls.  Across Happosai's forehead
was written 'I am Soun Tendo'.  Ranma frowned at that.

	"I wonder what that's about?"

HAPPY: Just an intrusion from OAV continuity. Move along, nothing to see
here.

	Moving on, he saw Happosai and the two girls again.  Looking at the
companion display, he saw his father, and older man, himself, and young

and -> an

Ukyo.  The cart was in the background.

	"I thought Happosai was sealed up in the cave, but this contradicts
it."

HAPPY: This is what OAV continuity leads to. [shakes head ruefully]

	Moving on, he saw what he knew was Miss Hinako and the companion vision
was that of Soun Tendo talking with the mother of Picolet.

This part of the timeline doesn't really work, IMO. Hinako's
chronological age (probably the same as the physical age of her adult
form) would have to be at least twenty-something for her to be working
as a teacher. She couldn't be the same age as Ranma and his
contemporaries, as you're indicating here.

	"Could the old perv being active have some reason Pops and Mr. Tendo
are acting like idiots?"

SOUN: No, I'm afraid not, son. We were idiots to begin with.

GENMA: You're not helping, Tendo.

	Ranma shook her head and entered the door that opened up.  Inside was a
bust of Elvis Preseley with a statue of Hazid kneeling before it.

Presley

	"What?"

	Ranma took a look around and saw Hazid's head by itself.  The turban
was removed and the top of the head was transparent, allowing the genie
to see the brain.  Fighting back the bile, Ranma approached and looked
at the brain.

HAZID: Ahem. Look at my brain if you must, but do please stay out of my
gall bladder.

 She noticed about four artieries distortred, as if part

arteries

distorted

of the pathway was blocked and the resulting bubles were not only

bubbles

pushing against the brain but the sides of the skull as well.  Dark
splotches were apparent on the brain where the bubbles were pushing
against the brain.

	Taking another look at the display with Elvis, Ranma muttered, "Great. 
I'm dealing with a brain damaged Elvis worshiper."

brain-damaged

RANMA: And just think of all the Elvis worshippers WITHOUT brain damage
I could have been dealing with!

	Ranma tentatively reached out for his male forem, but stopped.

form,

	Each finger had the nails longer and more clawlike.  He realized that

Each finger's nails were longer and more clawlike.

or

Each finger had longer, more clawlike nails.

or

Each finger had nails that were longer and more clawlike.

or... um, you get the point.

he now looked like the image from his dream.  Sighing he entered the

Sighing, he

next room and saw a kitten sitting in the midle of the room.  Ranma

middle of it.

(spelling, and already talking about the room.)

backed up againt the wall in near panic, before he realized that he

against

	The now female genie, watched as her clothes shifted back into her

The now female genie watched

or

Now a female genie, she watched

	As she went on, she saw that the names and birthyears were getting even

birth years	(2 words)

	"I don't get this," Ranma said, as she slowly reahed out and touched

reached

	"You have traveresd the maze of your own mind and found the truth about

traversed

yourself."

VOICE: Please visit our souvenir shop on your way out.

	"The magic in the rooms force people to make the comclusions as fast as

forces	(magic is a singular, collective noun)

conclusions	(off-color jokes suppressed)

possible.  Sometimes it takes using a sledgehammer to drive the point

Sometimes it takes a

or

Sometimes one must use a

home."

	"How long...?"  Ranma began.

MAN: That's rather a personal question.

RANMA: *WHAP!* I meant how long have I been in the maze, y'idjit! Now
I've gotta do that whole scene over again!

The temple keeper fits pretty well into my idea of an Annoying New
Character. He's got no particular motivation as far as we're shown, he's
completely trustworthy, and he's always right. Given the role he's
obviously meant to play here, I'm not sure how much you can solve this,
but I'd suggest that you develop a reason for his doing what he's doing,
preferably one that leaves open the possibility of him making mistakes
and/or acting outside of Ranma's best interests in some circumstances.

As a glimpse into Ranma's mind, this wasn't bad... I wouldn't say there
were any Earth-shaking revelations, but it's hard to find those for a
character who's already been explored as much as this one has. It
would've been helped by better descriptions of Ranma's thoughts and
feelings, preferably worked into the narrative rather than a lot of long
*I'm talking to myself* passages. The best I can suggest is to pick up a
good novel or two and see how they do it. Any published book that's even
partly character-based is going to have a decent quantity of these kind
of passages. See also the section on emotions in the Descriptions book
from Writers' Digest, which I think you mentioned you have.


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