Colleen Morgan <minty@clockworkgirl.com> wrote:

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Ms Takahashi, and the inspiration is

>from Richard Calder. Have pity on me.

Pity? What is this thing you call pity? ^_^

He was supposed to have killed her by now.

The phrasing here, to me, implies that it's someone else's expectation,
as opposed to something that he himself feels a need for. You say "I'm
supposed to out the garbage" because parent/sibling/significant other
will get on your case if you don't, not because you're tired of the
smell. As this isn't the case here, you might want to use "He should
have killed her by now" or something like that.

He knew it truly, knew it in his heart of hearts. She gazed up him,
the adoration not quite covering up the confusion. Ranma stroked her hair,
lapped the sweat from her neck. She was sitting on his lap, girlishly
cooing in his ear as he slowly thrust into her. He could hear the
couple in the room next to them arguing. They never did that anymore.

AKANE: Idiot. They obviously DO argue. What did you think you were
hearing -- a recording of them?

RANMA: I meant that you and I don't argue anymore, Akane. But of course
you just gotta be difficult, don't you?

AKANE: As if I'd ever want to argue with an idiot like you/

RANMA: Oh yeah? Well, that goes double for me! So there!

(Suggest 'He and Akane never did that anymore' to remove the ambiguity.)

In fact, Akane rarely spoke at all. She drank his blood when he
offered it to her, but spent the rest of the time smiling at dust motes in
sunbeams. He suspected it was related to blood intake. The more she drank, the
more active she was. They were killing someone almost every day now. He
wondered where she put it all.

AKANE: The blood bank, of course. I'm vorking on a chreestmas club
account. AH! AH! AH!

Is there such a thing as wistful fucking?

Yes, otherwise known as jerking off. :-)

When he closed his eyes,
just smelled her, just felt her on top of him, around him, it still felt
right. It was still Akane, and she knew it was him doing this to her. The
same person that slapped him, smiled at him, his secret lust coming to

person that had slapped	(presumably she doesn't do it anymore? Use "had"
when something occurred before the current moment in narration)

fruition.

That last clause doesn't quite seem to match up.

Ranma liked to win. At first he thought he won this too, he

he had thought he'd won	(see above)

too; he
or
too. He
(run-on)

got the girl, he could be smug.

Another run-on.

He learned what bittersweet meant. He

He had learned

She shuddered on top of him, and Ranma opened his eyes. The room was
getting blurry, he was nearing his limit for blood loss. Akane was

Run-on.

beautiful in the half-light, her skin flushed and slightly
glowing. She fragmented into shards of oily rainbow light. He felt a
tear travel down his cheek, then lost consciousness.

Glad to see this story exploring Ranma's feelings on the whole business,
something I thought was missing from the first go-around. The writing
seemed a bit choppy, like you were throwing out a lot of thoughts in
rapid succession where it might have been better to go into a bit more
depth on some of them. But if the forest was a bit disjointed, you had
some very nicely expressive writing in the trees. :)

In other words, I need pre-readers. Anyone?

Can't promise promptness, but I'll give it a go.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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